Finding Real Belonging
Feel like you don’t belong in your family? In society? In the world?
Me too.
I used to think it was just me. That something was terribly wrong with me. I was flawed, broken because I felt disconnected. Everyone around me seemed content, loved, successful. They were all normal and happy. Why wasn’t I?
Then I convinced myself that there must be a place, an actual physical place, where I could feel all of that- where I genuinely belonged.
So I went looking. First I crossed the country, from Boston to Portland. Then I went to Asia- Hong Kong, Singapore, Malaysia. I even tried the Middle East and Europe.
I thought I’d found it in Bali, but no…
It took fifteen long years for me to clue in.
Feel like you don’t belong in your family? In society? In the world?
Me too.
I used to think I was the only one who felt like this. Something was terribly wrong with me - I was flawed, broken because I felt disconnected. Everyone around me seemed content, loved, successful. They were all normal and happy.
Why wasn’t I?
Then I convinced myself that there must be a place, an actual physical place, where I could feel all of that- where I genuinely belonged.
So I went looking. First I crossed the country, from Boston to Portland. Then I went to Asia- Hong Kong, Singapore, Malaysia. I even tried the Middle East and Europe.
I thought I’d found it in Bali, but no…
It took fifteen long years for me to clue in.
The place I was looking for was inside of me, it was me.
True belonging is about connecting to your heart, to your core, to the YOU within you.
I finally had to stop “searching” and dive in.
If feeling alone and alienated resonates with you, here are the steps to your salvation:
1. Be Present With You
Stop running away from yourself. Happy, sad, angry, suffering. Be okay with whatever you feel right now. There’s so much power in moving into the pain or discomfort. That’s where true healing lies. In seeing what’s really real for you every second of every day.
A super powerful way to dive right into this is to do mirror work. Look at yourself in the mirror and say, “I love you. I really, really love you.”
The first time I did this, I started sobbing. Now I smile.
2. Connect
Even though peace and abiding happiness come from within you, we are social creatures. How can you feel more connected to like-minded people? Is there a faith based organization or spiritual center that you resonate with nearby? Is there a book group or club doing things you enjoy?
3. Seek Refuge
In Buddhism, you often hear the phrase, “Seek refuge in the Buddha, dharma and sangha.”
I love the word refuge because to me, it’s a place of safety, a place to lick your wounds, replenish and be refilled.
I interpret this Buddhist phrase to mean that:
- First we find our salvation and our home through connection to God-the Universe-Oneness (Buddha).
What path speaks to you? What form of the divine can you connect to?
Is it Buddha, Tara, or any one of the Hindu gods or goddesses? Jesus or Virgin Mary? Is it the great earth Mother? Nature? Or simply that which is un-nameable? The great unknown?
- Second, commit to a practice. This is dharma. The way of right action and right living.
Find a teaching- book, lectures, etc. where the words resonate with your beliefs. There are countless paths and ways: Bible, Talmud, Koran, A Course In Miracles, Upanishads, Bhagavad Gita, Buddhist scripture, Wiccan, Pagan, Celtic, Native American...
Maybe you want a teacher who speaks to you.
Here are some resources to check out:
- Hay House Radio (or their website)
- Lion’s Roar (for Buddhist teachers)
- Oprah’s Super Soul Sundays
- Krista Tippet’s Podcast, On Being
- Third, connect to others who are on a similar path.
This is sangha, or satsang. It is spiritual community. Seek out your spirit brothers and sisters. It’s hard to do this work, and we all need love and support. This is where community comes in.
Truly, we are spiritual beings having a human experience. This is why the world feels unnatural because we don’t really belong here. And yet, here we are, contracted to experience human existence in all its messiness and glory.
Isn’t it time to fully embrace it and genuinely live it open heartedly and unapologetically?
I say yes. And welcome to the club.
Where will you start? Share your ideas just below the blog!
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What The Eclipse Taught Me About Faith
The week before the eclipse life felt tense, unsettled, frustrating. Curiously, the eclipse seemed to clear the air! So why not use it as a reset?
Because, more than anything, the eclipse experience reminded me to have faith.
What is faith?
Faith is a decision to believe in something you cannot verify.
For me, it is an act of letting go of fear, of control, of a desired outcome, and relaxing into a space of grace, of knowing that all is well, that I am safe and life is good.
I’d heard about the eclipse for months but had blown it off until a few weeks ago when my husband was eager to go. Since we waited so long to make plans, the closest motel we could find was 3 hours from the path of totality in Oregon.
The week before the eclipse life felt tense, unsettled, frustrating. Curiously, the eclipse seemed to clear the air!
So why not use it as a reset?
Because, more than anything, this eclipse experience reminded me to have faith.
What is faith?
Faith is a decision to believe in something you cannot verify.
For me, it's an act of letting go of fear, of control, of a desired outcome, and relaxing into a space of grace, of knowing that all is well, that I am safe and life is good.
I’d heard about the eclipse for months but had blown it off until a few weeks ago when my husband was eager to go. Since we waited so long to make plans, the closest motel we could find was 3 hours from the path of totality in Oregon.
We decided to book it anyway and drive from Washington on Monday morning as far south as we could get.
As Monday grew closer, reports about the number of people descending on Oregon circulated. The governor had called up the National Guard. It would be a traffic nightmare.
Then we heard no one was allowed to watch from the side of the road. Now where would we go? None of this helped my anxiety.
Getting ready on Sunday morning for our 36-hour road trip. I sat to meditate and got a gentle reminder. It was a voice I often hear, kind, wise and loving.
It said, “Relax. Everything always works out perfectly.”
Up until that moment, my entire week had been emotional, angsty, difficult so it was the exact reminder I needed.
Driving east, we encountered no traffic and decided to stop and walk around a picturesque mountain lake before heading into town.
That night at the motel, I got confirmation from an Oregon rancher I’d contacted that we could park on his land. Relieved that we had a destination and wouldn’t be hassled by police, we left early Monday morning, hoping to make it all the way to totality.
Again there was no traffic.
In less than 3 hours, we arrived in time to enjoy the sun rise over the high desert, the smell of Juniper in the breeze.
Before I knew it, the eclipse began.
A quick hour passed and then came the 90 seconds of totality. The temperature dropped, the sky darkened to resemble twilight. The sun was a ball of white wavy lines dancing and swirling around the shadow of the moon. It was nothing I’d imagined.
And then it was over.
The bright sun and warmth returned and soon and we were on our way home, ambling along small highways and by-ways, following rivers and canyons. In the afternoon, we crested Mt Rainier and stopped to take in the Cascade range, the fields of wild flowers and the snowy glacier.
Even though it took 9 hours, it was an absolute joy ride.
Back at home, feeling refreshed and renewed, I’m reminded to have faith.
Like me, use the eclipse as a reset.
Remember that everything is possible when you bring to mind 3 things:
1. Relax
When you relax, it stops the mind whir.
It cancels out anxiety.
It brings you back to the breath. And you come into the moment.
2. Affirm that everything always turns out perfectly
When I start to get anxiety about a situation- be it financial, professional or logistical- one of the ways I deal with those negative feelings and mind chatter is to look at the past.
Whenever I have dealt with a similar situation it has easily been resolved.
~My bills always get paid.
~I consistently arrive at my destination safely.
~I’ve successfully done (a similar task) in the past.
Simply because this is a“new” situation does not mean it will be any different.
3. Go for It
This is the reminder to do whatever it is that you’re afraid to do
-with confidence
-with eyes wide open
-with certainty that the outcome is assured
Usually what happens is better than you even expected!
How does faith or lack of faith show up in your life?
Try using these 3 steps to help you move into the future with greater confidence, assurance and ease. Life certainly feels more exciting and vibrant when we jump in and stretch ourselves.
Let me know how it goes!
Or share your eclipse story with me and leave a comment below!
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Live a Passion Filled Life In 3 Simple Steps
Have you ever met someone and been truly inspired?
That happened to me with my first yoga teacher, Jayanta. His classes immersed us in bhakti or devotion. With every pose that we did, it wasn't about sweating or getting a work out, it was prayer in motion. It was an act of connecting to the divine and expressing that love through movement.
Recently I reconnected with him, and it inspired me to remember to infuse life with love and embrace prayer in action.
Because everything we do – from brushing our teeth, to mowing the lawn, to making a phone call - is an opportunity to share the love of God and to celebrate being alive.
Have you ever met someone and been truly inspired?
That happened to me with my first yoga teacher, Jayanta. His classes immersed us in bhakti or devotion. With every pose that we did, it wasn't about sweating or getting a work out, it was prayer in motion.
It was an act of connecting to the divine and expressing that love through movement.
Recently we reconnected and it inspired me to remember to infuse life with love and embrace prayer in action.
Because everything we do – from brushing our teeth, to mowing the lawn, to making a phone call - is an opportunity to share the love of God and to celebrate being alive.
Each person is an incarnation of the beloved. God is in all of us, shining forth. So as you go about your day, see if you can embrace this essence of prayer-filled living.
It’s simple and requires only 3 things:
1. Awareness
Awareness is the choice to be present in all things.
I once had a friend who told me to be proud of whatever job you have, do it with gusto and put in 100% effort. He said, “even if I was a garbage man, I’d do it to the best of my ability.”
I’ve never forgotten his words. He was suggesting to be fully present and aware in everything you do. Do it with pride, care and diligence.
When you choose this attitude, you feel alive, capable, satisfied and attuned to life in a deep and fulfilling way.
2. Practice Gratitude
When I have thanks in the moment for my life, my entire chest expands. I feel spacious, full, rich, content.
Try it right now.
Look around you and think of 3 things you’re grateful for in your life. Inhale that feeling. Don’t you feel bigger and more expansive?
All the research tells us that gratitude is THE fastest way to experience happiness. Gratitude is also an excellent way to feel alive, present and to view the world through the eyes of love.
A wonderful short video to help you experience gratitude was done by Louie Shwartzberg. He uses his exquisite time-lapse nature photography while you listen to Brother David Steindl-Rast , a Benedictine monk, describe exactly what gratitude is. This film is one of my most favorite TedTalks. Check it out here
3. Foster Empathy
Empathy is compassion, or caring about others because you have either experienced a similar pain or can put yourself in that person’s shoes.
An excellent example of empathy at work is Alcoholics Anonymous and the 12-step program. People who are active alcoholics go there for help and support. They are not judged – often for the first times in their lives. Instead, they are embraced and supported by other recovering addicts who know exactly what it feels like to walk into that room, wanting to stop but are scared to death.
We know from studies that it is low and medium income people who are often the most generous donors to charities which may be surprising when you think their incomes aren’t as high as say, a hedge fund manager.
Yet, there have been times in my life when I was one pay check away from homelessness. We can relate, we have empathy.
Infuse this day and every day with the power of love. Allow grace to wash over you and through you as you meet this moment with compassion, awareness, and gratitude.
Life feels so much more fulfilling, rich and satisfying when we choose to see everything as love, as God, as one.
See if you can be the beloved and infuse your life with that love.
Let me know what YOU think! leave a comment below.
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A Love Contract? 4 Ways to Write One
I’d never really though about having a contract for an intimate relationship until I read an article in the New York Times about it.
At first, it seemed crazy to “formalize” love. But then I realized Mandy Len Catron's idea had merit. And, it reminded me that, in essence, my husband and I have this.
Well, not exactly.
We never created a written contract that we sign and annually review, like the one Mandy has. Instead, we have agreements or tenets that define our relationship.
I’d never really though about having a contract for an intimate relationship until I read an article in the New York Times about it.
At first, it seemed crazy to “formalize” love.
But then I realized the author, Mandy Len Catron's, idea had merit. And, it reminded me that, in essence, my husband and I have this.
Well, not exactly.
We never created a written contract that we sign and annually review, like the one Mandy has. Instead, we have agreements or tenets that define our relationship.
Ours are simple:
1. Honor the God in Each Other
This means that we want the best for one another, that we truly see each other, and that we love one another from this higher space.
2. Share Everything
We talk about everything. And this commitment means that we are willing to have the hard conversations and be vulnerable with one another.
3. Don’t Go to Bed Angry
This is the most specific one. It's a reminder to share everything EVEN when talking about hurt feelings is the last thing I want to do.
4. Make Decisions Jointly
When it comes to big decisions, we do our best to consult one another. Having two heads on an issue provides more insight, clarity and thought. It is also a way to respect one another and value each other.
Mandy Len Catron and her partner, on the other hand, have a detailed contract outlining the various facets and complexities of co-habitation. Their contract is annual, up for renewal and revision every year.
And this was what I appreciated the most, its fluidity. Each partner has an opportunity to discuss their needs – be it emotional, physical or sexual. It allows them to talk about all the issues that couples frequently struggle with – money, sex, emotional vulnerability.
I’ve been with my husband for 13 years now and we know each other pretty well. But when I think about starting again, like if we had just decided to get together, I might have embraced the idea of a contract, an agreement that’s more detailed and explicit. It certainly makes sense.
If you feel like you want a contract or even a set of principles upon which to base your relationship, here are 4 ways to get started:
1. Have a Conversation
What’s important to you? What topics would you want to include? Where are each of you willing to compromise?
2. What Are Your Shared Values?
For my husband and me, it was about wanting the best for one another, wanting to support each other in being our highest selves. Everything fell into place after that.
How do you feel about intimacy? Children? Spirituality? Retirement? Politics?
3. Make A Budget
Money creates so much tension and animosity. Decide together what your goals are. What is joint? What is separate? Who pays for what?
4. State Your Needs
Be honest about what you really need from a partner. People aren’t mind readers. Tell your significant other what you need, what you want, and how to best take care of you.
Whether you’re just starting out or have been in a relationship for a decade, these conversations are vital to keep those channels open and help you create a deeper, more intimate, loving and fulfilling relationship.
Let me know how it goes! What would you add to your contract? Jot down your ideas under the blog.