Even though I created my goals for 2014, last week I decided to take up Robert Holden's suggestion and choose one word for my new year. One word to focus on and intend. One word to be my guide for 2014. The word that came to me was trust. When I think about trust, there are lots of ways to define and interpret it. For a long time, I have thought about relationships as truly being about trust. Because without it, how can you feel safe, allow yourself to be vulnerable or rely on another person? And as I delve into that idea that relationships are 'built on trust' then it is reasonable to extend that to life. If life is about relationships, then it is also about trust.
Growing up I had little trust. I was a pretty afraid kid. Life was scary, adults were often unpredictable and the world over all seemed like an unsafe place. This made me feel guarded and cautious, reluctant to trust. In the 40+ years I have been walking around in my body, I have shifted a lot of those old beliefs but some are more deeply rooted or perhaps hold on more stubbornly to my psyche. I have learned to reach out and trust loved ones, and allow myself to 'need' other people. I have also, with the help of affirmations, begun to shift my view of the world so that instead of expecting the worst, I say things to myself such as, "only good lies before me. I am safe. The Universe loves and supports me."
But the hardest for me to trust was God. In the late 1990s, I had an astrologer who I called fairly regularly. I was trying to figure out a direction for myself and often relied on his advice and clarity. In one of our sessions, he suddenly began telling me how much I was adored and protected by God. He went on to say, "God loves you so much and you are so divinely supported. It's like an energetic hammock that you could lie back into."
It was a great image and the idea of it thrilled me but at that time, 15 years ago, there was no way I was believing him. I had recently started to meditate and I would sit in front of my altar, hear Dale's words about relaxing into the hammock of support and would sit totally rigidly, not able to lay back at all, too afraid to let go and relax.
Since that time, my life has changed dramatically and I have courageously started many new projects including moving, creating a school, raising children... My life totally fell apart and I have rebuilt it differently. Now I want to relax into that hammock of God, knowing that I am completely loved and supported. And what I have come to see is that trusting God is the same as trusting myself. As I open more to me, I open more to the God within me and allow that inner knowing to guide and advise me. This is what I feel is my work for 2014, to try and get out of my own way, and trust that I am totally taken care of and supported and believe it to be true. Then I can spend every day in the hammock. Sounds pretty good- like life is one big vacation- and I am ready!