How Porous Are Your Boundaries?
Boundaries often get a bad rap, as if they’re not a good thing, as if they prevent us from genuine connection.
Is that really true?
First off, let’s define what we’re really talking about.
A boundary can be physical like a fence or a wall, even your skin is a natural physical boundary.
Boundaries can also be set by social or cultural standards. For example, in Japan, people greet one another with a bow, rather than in the United States where we often shake hands or hug.
Boundaries – in terms of dictating behavior- also differ in public versus private spaces, and vary depending on the types of relationship you have with someone.
Boundaries often get a bad rap, as if they’re not a good thing, as if they prevent us from genuine connection.
Is that really true?
First off, let’s define what we’re really talking about.
A boundary can be physical like a fence or a wall, even your skin is a natural physical boundary.
Boundaries can also be set by social or cultural standards. For example, in Japan, people greet one another with a bow, rather than in the United States where we often shake hands or hug.
Boundaries – in terms of dictating behavior- also differ in public versus private spaces, and vary depending on the types of relationship you have with someone.
I might sidle up close to my child or spouse, rub their back in a way I would never touch a colleague or stranger.
Much of this we pick up from our culture and family, although there are nuances to that, right? We all know friends and family who may not enjoy being physically touched.
Boundaries imply limit – physical and emotional.
The physical ones are often more obvious and straight forward, while the relationship or interpersonal ones can sometimes me murkier.
And when it comes to these, sometimes things can get unclear.
Why?
There are many reasons.
One is that we might not know what we want.
In order to have more clarity, we need to be willing to do a self-inventory. That way we can be more aware of what feels supportive to us personally, both physically and emotionally.
It also requires the ability to communicate our needs to others in clear and loving ways.
This can sometimes feel difficult.
After all, if you’re a sensitive person, you don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings or make them feel bad.
The goal therefore, is to state your needs as clearly as possible. Not by saying what you don’t want, but by saying what you do want and by being okay at holding any hurt feelings that might arise.
Why is this important?
When we don’t advocate for ourselves, we can feel taken advantage of, resentful, misunderstood, or at a more extreme level, violated.
Anyone who cares for you would never want you to feel these ways!
But they don’t know if you don’t tell them!
Another aspect of boundaries in interpersonal relationships is around how we live with each other. What are the “rules.”
You can think about it like a set of regulations that you often see when you check into a hotel. What you can and cannot do.
The same could be said about how we live in relationship with one another.
If it’s really important to me that the bed is made every morning, for example, then I need to communicate that to my partner.
Another aspect of this is with children, creating a schedule or structure for how your day with your child goes.
Establishing clear ways of being allows everyone to feel safe.
In truth, the idea of boundaries as limitations is actually one of life’s funny ironies.
We all want freedom and the ability to do whatever we want when we want, and we can assume that boundaries will prevent that from happening. But it’s in having structure around behavior, having clarity of where the end points are, that provides parameters and support which ultimately enables us to do everything we want and feel safe.
Want to do a deeper dive into emotional boundary setting? Here’s a great blog:
https://positivepsychology.com/great-self-care-setting-healthy-boundaries/
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Image by Jeremy Bishop on Unsplash
Holidays with Healthy Boundaries: 3 Tips
Thanksgiving’s passed and Chanukah, Yule (or the winter solstice), and Christmas are around the corner. This time of year typically means lots of social gatherings. Which, although fun, can also be tense.
And the best way to deal with family and friends, is to have clear and firm boundaries.
What’s that?
An emotional boundary is about knowing what is and is not acceptable behavior for you.
Many of us grew up in families where boundaries were unclear or non-existent. So, as adults, we’ve either never had them or have had to learn how to create healthy ones.
Once you’ve established what your boundaries are, it’s then a matter of stating them aloud to friends and family.
Thanksgiving’s passed and Chanukah, Yule (or the winter solstice), and Christmas are around the corner. This time of year typically means lots of social gatherings. Which, although fun, can also be tense.
And the best way to deal with family and friends, is to have clear and firm boundaries.
What’s that?
An emotional boundary is about knowing what is and is not acceptable behavior for you.
Many of us grew up in families where boundaries were unclear or non-existent. So, as adults, we’ve either never had them or have had to learn how to create healthy ones.
Once you’ve established what your boundaries are, it’s then a matter of stating them aloud to friends and family.
Let’s say that an aunt who you’re somewhat close to wants to visit for 10 days. You’re finding yourself dreading it because it’s too long, you have a ton to do and it’ll be draining. Instead of saying yes out of guilt or obligation, you can simply explain that you host houseguests for a maximum of 5 nights (or whatever feels reasonable to you.)
Here’s another example.
Your close friend is chronically late and you’re always waiting 30+ minutes every time you agree to get together. Explain to him that this is hurtful, not to mention disrespecting of you, and an utter waste of your time. If he doesn’t value you enough, perhaps it’s time to find some new friends.
After all, we teach people how to treat us.
As Eleanor Roosevelt so eloquently put it, “No one can make you feel inferior without your permission.”
Ready to have super clear boundaries?
Here are 3 ways to help:
1. Tune in to You
Sometimes we’re really clear about what’s okay and not okay. Other times, it’s only after we’ve experienced something negatively when we realize that it didn’t feel good.
Either way, take note and make changes.
If it’s true that we teach people how to treat us, then we need to know exactly how we want to be treated! And then be explicit.
2. Speak Up
Sometimes when we ask for what we need, we feel like we’re being selfish, or even a bitch. But establishing clear boundaries isn’t about being selfish. It’s about positive self-care AND ultimately, about being your best self.
Think about it. When you feel taken advantage of, are you in a good mood or a bad mood?
How about when you feel supported?
See what I mean?
By expressing your needs, you’re putting it out there so that everyone knows and it’s transparent.
And don’t be shy to ask for help! Many of us givers get stuck doing all the work. Ask some of those kids or cousins to don the latex gloves and scrub those pots!
3. Foster Respect
Boundaries are ultimately about respect. It’s me respecting your needs and you respecting mine.
It’s about honoring one another – our emotional and physical space.
And isn’t that a nicer way to live when we all feel respected?
Heck ya!
In this most wonderful holiday season, when excitement and cheer are abounding, be sure to also take good care of yourself with those clear boundaries. So that come January, you don’t feel drained and resentful, but instead, recharged and nourished.