Boundaries often get a bad rap, as if they’re not a good thing, as if they prevent us from genuine connection.
Is that really true?
First off, let’s define what we’re really talking about.
A boundary can be physical like a fence or a wall, even your skin is a natural physical boundary.
Boundaries can also be set by social or cultural standards. For example, in Japan, people greet one another with a bow, rather than in the United States where we often shake hands or hug.
Boundaries – in terms of dictating behavior- also differ in public versus private spaces, and vary depending on the types of relationship you have with someone.
I might sidle up close to my child or spouse, rub their back in a way I would never touch a colleague or stranger.
Much of this we pick up from our culture and family, although there are nuances to that, right? We all know friends and family who may not enjoy being physically touched.
Boundaries imply limit – physical and emotional.
The physical ones are often more obvious and straight forward, while the relationship or interpersonal ones can sometimes me murkier.
And when it comes to these, sometimes things can get unclear.
Why?
There are many reasons.
One is that we might not know what we want.
In order to have more clarity, we need to be willing to do a self-inventory. That way we can be more aware of what feels supportive to us personally, both physically and emotionally.
It also requires the ability to communicate our needs to others in clear and loving ways.
This can sometimes feel difficult.
After all, if you’re a sensitive person, you don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings or make them feel bad.
The goal therefore, is to state your needs as clearly as possible. Not by saying what you don’t want, but by saying what you do want and by being okay at holding any hurt feelings that might arise.
Why is this important?
When we don’t advocate for ourselves, we can feel taken advantage of, resentful, misunderstood, or at a more extreme level, violated.
Anyone who cares for you would never want you to feel these ways!
But they don’t know if you don’t tell them!
Another aspect of boundaries in interpersonal relationships is around how we live with each other. What are the “rules.”
You can think about it like a set of regulations that you often see when you check into a hotel. What you can and cannot do.
The same could be said about how we live in relationship with one another.
If it’s really important to me that the bed is made every morning, for example, then I need to communicate that to my partner.
Another aspect of this is with children, creating a schedule or structure for how your day with your child goes.
Establishing clear ways of being allows everyone to feel safe.
In truth, the idea of boundaries as limitations is actually one of life’s funny ironies.
We all want freedom and the ability to do whatever we want when we want, and we can assume that boundaries will prevent that from happening. But it’s in having structure around behavior, having clarity of where the end points are, that provides parameters and support which ultimately enables us to do everything we want and feel safe.
Want to do a deeper dive into emotional boundary setting? Here’s a great blog:
https://positivepsychology.com/great-self-care-setting-healthy-boundaries/
Want more tools for your spiritual toolbox?
Sign up today and get them direct to your inbox every Wednesday.
Image by Jeremy Bishop on Unsplash