How Porous Are Your Boundaries?
Boundaries often get a bad rap, as if they’re not a good thing, as if they prevent us from genuine connection.
Is that really true?
First off, let’s define what we’re really talking about.
A boundary can be physical like a fence or a wall, even your skin is a natural physical boundary.
Boundaries can also be set by social or cultural standards. For example, in Japan, people greet one another with a bow, rather than in the United States where we often shake hands or hug.
Boundaries – in terms of dictating behavior- also differ in public versus private spaces, and vary depending on the types of relationship you have with someone.
Boundaries often get a bad rap, as if they’re not a good thing, as if they prevent us from genuine connection.
Is that really true?
First off, let’s define what we’re really talking about.
A boundary can be physical like a fence or a wall, even your skin is a natural physical boundary.
Boundaries can also be set by social or cultural standards. For example, in Japan, people greet one another with a bow, rather than in the United States where we often shake hands or hug.
Boundaries – in terms of dictating behavior- also differ in public versus private spaces, and vary depending on the types of relationship you have with someone.
I might sidle up close to my child or spouse, rub their back in a way I would never touch a colleague or stranger.
Much of this we pick up from our culture and family, although there are nuances to that, right? We all know friends and family who may not enjoy being physically touched.
Boundaries imply limit – physical and emotional.
The physical ones are often more obvious and straight forward, while the relationship or interpersonal ones can sometimes me murkier.
And when it comes to these, sometimes things can get unclear.
Why?
There are many reasons.
One is that we might not know what we want.
In order to have more clarity, we need to be willing to do a self-inventory. That way we can be more aware of what feels supportive to us personally, both physically and emotionally.
It also requires the ability to communicate our needs to others in clear and loving ways.
This can sometimes feel difficult.
After all, if you’re a sensitive person, you don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings or make them feel bad.
The goal therefore, is to state your needs as clearly as possible. Not by saying what you don’t want, but by saying what you do want and by being okay at holding any hurt feelings that might arise.
Why is this important?
When we don’t advocate for ourselves, we can feel taken advantage of, resentful, misunderstood, or at a more extreme level, violated.
Anyone who cares for you would never want you to feel these ways!
But they don’t know if you don’t tell them!
Another aspect of boundaries in interpersonal relationships is around how we live with each other. What are the “rules.”
You can think about it like a set of regulations that you often see when you check into a hotel. What you can and cannot do.
The same could be said about how we live in relationship with one another.
If it’s really important to me that the bed is made every morning, for example, then I need to communicate that to my partner.
Another aspect of this is with children, creating a schedule or structure for how your day with your child goes.
Establishing clear ways of being allows everyone to feel safe.
In truth, the idea of boundaries as limitations is actually one of life’s funny ironies.
We all want freedom and the ability to do whatever we want when we want, and we can assume that boundaries will prevent that from happening. But it’s in having structure around behavior, having clarity of where the end points are, that provides parameters and support which ultimately enables us to do everything we want and feel safe.
Want to do a deeper dive into emotional boundary setting? Here’s a great blog:
https://positivepsychology.com/great-self-care-setting-healthy-boundaries/
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Image by Jeremy Bishop on Unsplash
The Hazards of Busy & 4 Ways to Remedy it
I love being an American but one thing that’s been vexing me lately is how work and career have taken over our lives. It’s as if we are no longer human beings but human doers. The overriding message is that when I’m not “doing”, I’m nothing.
In essence, we’ve allowed work and success to define who we are.
I love being an American but one thing that’s been vexing me lately is how work and career have taken over our lives. It’s as if we are no longer human beings but human doers. The overriding message is that when I’m not “doing”, I’m nothing.
In essence, we’ve allowed work and success to define who we are.
It's even worse nowadays because work has become chronic overwork. In the last few weeks, I’ve read three articles about people cracking because work essentially overtook their lives.
One was continually being hospitalized for having seizures. Another, a young man just beginning his career in finance, couldn’t take the pressure and jumped off a building. A third up and quit her job and moved to Europe.
The expectation to overwork is even being written into contracts. The assumption being that you’ll be available to answer emails late into the night, work weekends and even be reachable for holidays.
How is this okay?
What can you do instead?
We need to create healthy boundaries in order to have a more balanced life. Here are four easy ways to begin doing that.
1. Take Care of You First
Many of us, because we are so busy working or taking care of others, have forgotten or simply don’t know what this means.
But the truth is that we are not just automatons trudging to do a job. We have a physical body that needs care, exercise and healthy food, an emotional body that needs camaraderie, attention and love, an intellect that craves stimulation and a soul that yearns for peace and stillness.
Cheryl Richardson’s book The Art of Extreme Self Care is a great tool to use to delve into this idea more deeply.
But you can also start by making a list of things you love to do and then begin scheduling them into your life.
Maybe it’s signing up for that yoga class you’ve been “meaning” to do for months, or taking a nice hot bath after a long day. Perhaps it’s scheduling a massage or a pedicure.
How can you make time for you?
2. Check Back In With Your Dreams
Where are they and where are you? Are you moving towards your dreams or have you gone far afield?
Think for a moment about your work environment. Is it feeding those dreams and inspiring you? Or did you move into a career for other reasons? If so, how can you shift or adjust your life to bring your dreams and present reality more into alignment?
If you work as a copy editor but really yearn to write, can you carve out a few evenings a week to make time for your novel? Could you get up an hour earlier and spend that quiet time writing?
If you loved art in college but find your job works your intellect and not your creativity, could you find a local studio that offers a class? It may feel like more work but will actually energize you, feed you and feel rewarding.
It will also open you up to your creativity and help you brainstorm how to find a job that better aligns with you.
3. Start Saying No
If you’re in your first job ever, it can be hard to say no BUT once you have established your talent, capability and are sought after, it’s time to add a little enjoyment into life.
Because your life isn’t simply about working more.
How can you begin to reign in crazy overwork?
Perhaps you can hire someone or delegate tasks to another colleague or assistant. One of the suggestions I give to my clients is instead of adding yet another task to your To Do List – ask yourself: Who can do this instead of me?
Recognize what you are excellent at, where you shine and what tasks you do the best. Everything else gets delegated.
Value you – because if you don’t, no one will.
4. Schedule Fun
What do you really love to do?
Now that you’ve answered that question, when are you going to do it? Schedule fun days into your calendar. They are imperative.
If you love to sail, how can you get back on a boat? You don’t have to own one, lots of captains need crews. Check out your local marina and get involved.
Doing things you love and experience as fun, will clear your mind, work your body and help you show up back at work revitalized and refreshed!
In truth, I think this is the lesson that corporate America needs to learn. When people have time to be human and live balanced rich full lives, they’re actually better employees. Their creativity and productivity improves. This has certainly been my experience.