Top 5 Regrets of the Dying

When I worked as a hospice social worker, I frequently sat with people who were actively dying, and talked about their lives, what brought them joy, and what they were afraid of.

So, the findings in the book, Top 5 Regrets of the Dying: A Life Transformed by the Dearly Departing, by hospice nurse, Bronnie Ware weren’t a big surprise!

Can you guess what the #1 regret was?

Not being brave enough to live a life true to yourself.

In other words, not following your dreams.

Take a moment and ask yourself, will this be one of your regrets?

If the answer is YES, what needs to change so you can move more courageously towards being authentic and true to yourself and your unique calling?

The world desperately needs what you have to offer.

How about #2?

This regret was the wish to not have worked so hard.

Every single male patient Bronnie nursed said this statement! Holy smokes!

They regretted focusing their time and energy more on work, missing out on mile stones, anniversaries, plays and other events shared with their partner and family.

Certainly in the United States, we are a work centered culture. Saying, “I have to work,” is a free pass that gets you out of ANY situation – a funeral, a hospital visit, even a wedding.

But is working, working, working really how you want to spend this one wild, exciting life?

The #3 regret isn’t such a surprise.

It’s about being emotionally honest and expressing how you really feel. 

Is this something you struggle with, too?

Do a quick internal inventory. Where are you not being emotionally honest and with whom?

How could you change that right now?

Interestingly, Bronnie draws a correlation between suppressing your emotions and getting physically ill…

The #4 regret is over not being better at nurturing friendships!

If you’re like me, you’re probably guilty of this one.

Life gets busy and we get caught up, forgetting to reach out and stay connected. Dr. Vivek Murthy, our current Surgeon General, suggests we dedicate 15 minutes each day to reaching out to someone -friend/family- who does not live with us, and connect! EVERY DAY!

The final regret is wishing to have been happier in life.

Bronnie said this one was surprisingly common.

In part it’s because we all say we want to be happy, but how many of us have actually stopped to consider what happiness means to us, and how we would experience it?

All the research tells us that true happiness, joy, is our original nature. We’ve simply tuned away from it, caught in status quo, in the familiar and comfortable instead.

This, coupled with fear of change, can keep us stuck. However, if you think about a smiling baby, what you’re seeing is your true nature reflected back to you- pure joy.

The invitation here is to do an honest inventory regardless of how old you are, or when you think you might die.

Life is happening right now, this moment.

Don’t you want to feel alive, engaged, happy, and authentic?

Orient yourself towards living a regret free and fulfilling life.

The next blog will offer you a 6-step approach to healing regret!

Stay tuned!

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 Image courtesy of Pexels on Pixabay

Before I Die, I want to...

Is there anything you want to do before you die?

I found myself contemplating this question recently as I watched a TED video of the artist Candy Chang. She shared about creating an interactive chalkboard mural in New Orleans entitled; “Before I Die, I want to…”

The wall invited people to write what they want to do before they die.

I ask my clients that same question because it’s too easy to speed through life. You’re in the fast lane with your great job, family, home. But is it actually what you want?

What would you like to do, see, become?

I don’t ask to be morbid. I ask to ensure that your compass is set straight. Orienting you toward what you really want.

I learned this firsthand in 2010, when I worked as a hospice social worker.

I was challenged to look death, life and pain square in the face. My patients were facing imminent demise and they all had at least one regret. The most common of these are:

1.  To have lived a life more true to myself, not the life others expected of me

2. To have not worked so hard

3. To have boldly expressed my feelings

4. To have stayed in touch with my friends

5. To have been happier

Working at hospice taught me compassion and reminded me of the promise I’d made to myself as a twenty year old.

Back in college, my friends and I often read Henry David Thoreau. One summer, we even drove to Concord in the wee hours to skinny dip in Walden Pond.

I floated in that warm, velvety water, gazed up into the star studded sky and swore that I would “live deliberately.” I wanted to learn life’s essential lessons because I knew more than anything that I did not want to “come to die and discover that I had not lived.”

In 2010, I made a renewed agreement with myself to do just that.

What about you?

This is YOUR life to live. Be sure that you do everything you want.

How can you listen and respond to your heart’s desires?

1.  Make a list of everything you want to do, experience, feel, become before you die

Some people call this a bucket list. Maybe for you, it’s simply a To Do List.

2. Start scheduling them right now!

Some are simple and easy, like phone calls to old friends, a visit to a relative. How about a romantic date?

Others might take some planning and saving. Could you go on a camping trip with the kids? How about an inexpensive cruise? Would you be willing to go back to school? How about writing that book?

Think about this as a way to re-orient yourself by making time for the things that really matter to you. After all, life is happening right now.

Those dreams live inside of you and yearn to be expressed. Take advantage of today and carpe diem! Please don’t be one of those people who come to die only to discover that they never really lived.

Be bold, be brave – get out there and enjoy!

Tell me ONE thing you're going to do THIS week!

Leave me a comment below.

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Where Is Your Soul Sister?

Have you ever had the experience of meeting someone and, after a brief period of time, it’s as if you’ve always known them?

Or perhaps you have a good friend you haven’t seen in years (or decades) and as soon as you’re together, it’s like no time has passed?

Don’t you love when that happens?

I have a soul sister like that and I’ll call her Natalie.

Last year I stayed in a town just a few hours from where she lives. I hadn’t talked to her in awhile but we’d stayed in touch on Facebook. I messaged her letting her know I was nearby.

Natalie immediately called and said she was on her way to this very same town as her daughter was participating in a state event!

Meant to be?

I was a little nervous to see her again. Even though we’d reconnected via social media and the phone in the last few years, I hadn’t seen her or physically been with her in almost 20 years.

The last time we were together, we’d had a falling out.

Maybe it was disappointment at some of my life choices or that I’d backed out of a plan we’d made together. Either way, I felt stifled and judged and in need of some space and time. I’d relocated, moving a thousand miles away, so it became easy to stop communicating with her.

And, as often happens in life, I got busy and left her behind to drift out of my life.

We’d patched things up since then, talking over the phone about what had transpired, but I was still anxious to see her in person.

When I arrived at the park that Saturday to meet her and her family, my body thrummed with excitement and tension. I walked around the crowded fields glancing at the people camped out everywhere and then I spotted her.

She looked exactly the same.

Natalie stood to greet me and it was as if time stood still. I walked up to her and we embraced – tears sprang to my eyes. Holding her was like being home. It was so familiar and nothing had changed.

Well, that isn’t true.

So much had changed.

We both had partners, and children, and more wrinkles. We’d both been working on ourselves too. But instead of growing apart as is so often the case, she was right where I was.

The tension that had existed after that rough phase was long gone.

Once again we were in alignment just like it had been years earlier, when we’d lived together in our early 20s, trying to understand ourselves and our lives and this crazy world we live in. Now we were more mature, had learned a bit and were simply in another phase of existence.

I marveled at how comfortable it was to be with her and I cursed myself for waiting so long to reconnect. I could have had this person in my life all these years and I hadn’t because of distance and pettiness and misunderstanding.

In general, I strive to live without regret.

One of the top regrets of terminally ill and dying patients, is not having spent more time with the people they love, both family and friends. I knew this and yet somehow had allowed it to happen with Natalie, until now.

Instead of punishing or berating myself, I simply accepted what was – that she was back in my life now.

I accepted my past choice of pushing her away and felt grateful that we could resume a close friendship going forward because that was all that mattered.

It’s been a year since I saw her and I look forward to being with her again soon. To hang out and laugh, walk along the seashore or help her weed her garden. I don’t actually care what we do together, just being with her eases my heart as only a soul sister can.

Connections like these are little miracles in our lives.

But they need to be nurtured and cherished. It’s so easy to fall away from people we love because we feel hurt or wronged by a decision they make or a partner they choose. Through my actions (or inaction), I lost 20 years of a close friendship. Thankfully it wasn’t too late.

When we can look beyond our judgment and reconnect the thread that binds us, we know that these soul sisters and brothers are always a part of us and our journey.

Think back to the people who are special to you in your life.

Is there anyone you yearn to find or connect with again?

Someone you loved that fell away due to a misunderstanding or argument?

Thanks to the Internet and social media, it’s even easier than ever to find a loved one. Just remember that reconnecting may involve some forgiveness work or at least being open to another’s point of view. But it’s worth it.

Rekindle those heart relationships.

Seek them out and you’ll be amazed at how full and rich your life can feel.

Tell me your story - leave a comment below.

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