Still ruminating over the 5 biggest regrets of the dying?
Good!
Now let’s focus on HOW to release regret, because, we all have them. The trick is to not allow them to keep you stuck in the past.
If you’re ready to move forward and heal, here’s what writer and life coach, Martha Beck has to share.
Her six steps to dissolving regret.
1. Get Beyond Denial
Bad sh*t happens to everyone. The question is, how do you remember it? Are you holding onto it, wishing it hadn’t happened? Are you angry or sad about it?
Beck describes this as, “unproductive regret,” a way to avoid taking action and moving forward. She says,
If you're prone to unproductive regret, please hear this: Everyone agrees with you. That thing you regret? It really, really, really shouldn't have happened. But. It. Did. If you enjoy being miserable, by all means, continue to rail against this fact. If you'd rather be happy, prune the "shouldn't haves" from your mental story, and move on to...
2. Separate Regret Into its Basic Emotions
According to Beck, we experience four basic emotions: sadness, anger, happiness, and fear. Regret is a mixture of sadness and anger. The ratio of these two varying with each scenario. Sometimes, however, we ignore one emotion even though we’re experiencing both. Denying either keeps you stuck in unproductive regret.
Here’s how to work with it:
Separate the 2 emotions, exploring one at a time.
Try it. Let’s do sadness first.
Think of something that happened that you regret, then finish this sentence: "I'm sad that __________." Repeat this phrase until you’ve exhausted all the sad things related to your particular regret.
For example, if you regret falling out with your friend, you might say: "I'm sad because I miss her." "I'm sad that I can no longer see her." "I'm sad that she is no longer a part of my life…”
Once you've listed all the reasons you feel sad, it’s time to address anger. "I'm angry because ________." Again, keep at it until you’ve run out of reasons.
Continuing with our example: "I'm angry because I worked hard at this relationship and now it’s over." "I'm angry because I feel disrespected.” "I'm angry at her family for not supporting our relationship.” Say these aloud OR jot them down even the ones that are irrational!
This process might feel uncomfortable, but stay with it!
Once you have your list of why you’re sad and angry, go to step 3!
This is where we shift from unproductive regret to productive regret. Who knew there was such a thing!?!
3. Grieve What You Lost
Regret is really a form of grief. It’s just a stuck kind. Allow yourself to mourn what you lost, whatever it was: a loved one, your health, a job, a dream, even a possession.
Anyone who has ever experienced grief knows that it comes in waves. Sometimes they feel enormous and wipe you off your feet. But typically, over time, they lessen and lessen until eventually you come to a place of peace. It’s not the same place you were before, it’s a new one.
4. Reclaim Your Dreams
Here’s the thing, we won’t ever change the past, but we can change our relationship to it.
One way we do that is to distill the qualities of what we thought we lost and channel them into something new.
Marth Beck says,
“I've been coaching long enough to brazenly promise that if you decide to reclaim the essence of anything you regret losing, you'll find it—often sooner than you think, in ways you would never have expected.”
5. Analyze Your Anger
In step 3, we were invited to step into the sadness related to regret. What about the anger?
I love how Beck describes this process:
“The anger component of regret is every bit as important and useful as your sadness. Anger is a bear, but if you pay attention, you'll hear it roaring useful instructions about how you should steer your future. Don't fear it, run from it, tranquilize it, try to kill it. Just leave the kids with a sitter, team up with a sympathetic friend, spouse, therapist, or journal, and let your angry animal self bellow its messages. There will be a lot of meaningless sound and fury, but there will also be information about exactly what needs to change in your present and future so that you'll stop suffering from old regrets and create new ones. Basically, your anger will roar out this next instruction...”
6. Open to Love
What if all of your regrets were really showing you your life’s orientation? As in, how many times you followed fear instead of love?
Beck shares that,
“the ultimate lesson of regret, the one that will help guide you into a rich and satisfying future, is this: Every time life brings you to a crossroads, from the tiniest to the most immense, go toward love, not away from fear. Think of every choice in terms of "What would thrill and delight me?" rather than "What will keep my fear—or the events, people, and things I fear—at bay?"
This is where regret is most useful – as a flashlight, a motivation. It’s the self talk, the reminder, “don’t do that, you’ll regret it…” or the opposite, “do this, or you’ll regret it.”
This is exactly how I use regret on a daily basis, kind of like a litmus test. If I find myself dragging my heels about something, I’ll ask, “will you regret it if you don’t do this?” And then I have my answer.
Turns out that if we’re willing to be more aware, we can use regret as a way to steer our lives, and live with clarity, meaning, passion and authenticity.
Are you ready?
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Image courtesy of Kati on Pixabay