Living Regret Free? Here's How

When I was 28, I moved back to the United States after living in Asia for over 6 years. I came with my toddler and my new husband, and that was about it. Money was tight.

That summer while living on the west coast, I’d planned on visiting my family in New York but had put off the trip until December when I was sure life would be more financially secure.

My Nana turned 91 that August and I wanted to see her again as well as enable her to hold her great granddaughter whom she’d met a year earlier.

But I never got the chance.

In October my father called to tell me that Nana had gone into the hospital, complaining of shortness of breath and had passed away peacefully. I was in shock. My Nana, gone?

I’d lost a friend of mine recently. She’d had a brain aneurism and died instantly. Linda’s death was so sudden and seemingly random. And I’d struggled to put it together but Nana. Nana had been there my entire life. She’d been the sun in my gloomy life with her consummate smile and cheerful disposition. Now she was gone.

And then I felt it, regret.

If only I’d gone to see her in July. If only I’d seen her one last time. If only I’d told her how much I loved her.

Okay, I knew she was old. But somehow it never dawned on me that I wouldn’t see her again, that she wouldn’t be there for me. Nana had always been my constant. She’d visited my sister and me, every week when I was growing up. Regardless of where we’d lived, she’d shown up with laughter, food and hugs. That was Nana, loving and feeding us, always.

I felt awful. Not so much because she was gone, because I knew that was an inevitability. And I also knew she wasn’t really gone, because she wasn’t a body. I felt awful because I hadn’t said goodbye.

That’s when I decided that I would do my best to live my life with no regrets.

And all these years later I still do.

It works like this:

When I’m about to make a decision, I ask myself this question. “If you don’t do this will you regret it?"

The answer helps shape my actions.

Here’s an example. Not long ago I went back to school to get a Master’s Degree in Social Work. After I was done, I was pretty burned out. Working full time, having an internship and going to class every week for nearly two years was exhausting. It would have been really easy to be satisfied with that and not have pursued getting licensed. Being licensed was another 2-year commitment, more classes AND a rigorous exam.

The thought gnawed at me that I needed to get licensed but I just didn’t want to do the work. This went on for a few months and then I asked myself the question.

“Will you regret it if you don’t get licensed?”

And my answer was, “yes.”

So I sucked it up, jumped through the hoops of completing the paperwork, finding a supervisor, and started.

I use my regret question with big issues like that one but also with small ones too.

It’s a way to keep me moving through even some of the small tasks that I “don’t feel like doing” because they might be uncomfortable or if I’m in a situation that might never come around again.

Like if I go to South Beach and they’re offering para-sailing and I don’t go because it costs too much. I’ll use my question to confirm my decision. Because I don’t want to get home only to discover that I really wish I’d gone.

My regret question is especially prescient when a decision is related to a loved one.

Over the years I’ve come to realize the importance of communicating how much I love and cherish those around me and I want them to know it.

Let’s say I have a disagreement with my husband. I can hold on to that grievance and brood or I can elect to talk about it with him and process it.  Why? Because I don’t want any unsaid words to cause regret.

I want him to always know how much I love and care about him.

After all, life is fleeting and we don’t ever really know how long we’re here. We can pretend that it’s “if we die” but the reality is it’s “when.” Being cognizant of that helps me live more authentically and clearly. Because my goal is to come to the end of my life and to honestly be able to say to myself that I have no regrets.

How about you? Would this work in your life?

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Is the Answer Yes or No?

Is your answer YES to life or NO?

How many times in your day do you find that you say yes to life? Maybe you get invited to lunch with a friend or it's a beautiful day out, perfect for a walk on the beach. Is your response a resounding yes? I hope so. I know for me sometimes I say yes and sometimes I don't. And there may be a reason why I'm not saying yes. These are some of my personal selections. Do any of these sound familiar? "I don't have time. Today's my chore day. I have to work. Maybe another time." Or my absolute favorite, "I don't feel like it." (Usually this one is reserved for me and I come up with a more lofty excuse to say out loud.)

 Life is always offering us opportunities to expand and to grow. To reach out of our comfort zone or complacency and connect more deeply be it with one another, with nature and even with ourselves. Invariably when we do this, what happens? We feel more fulfilled and engaged. So why is it that we don't always do it?

Sometimes we simply can't because we do legitimately have prior commitments. I have appointments to keep, deadlines to meet, tasks to complete. We all do. And yet it's important to remain vigilant to our own choices - how we may or may not be limiting ourselves. It can be insidious. Work and "busy" can take over pretty fast. 

Lately I've been watching my pattern of saying yes to life or saying no. And here is what I am observing. In general, when I say yes and then do it (have a meeting, teach a class, complete my to do list, go birdwatching, work out, play...) I feel great! I truly do feel more engaged and present in my life. I feel alive and happy. When I say no because I don't think I have time or maybe feel too stressed or simply don't want to, here's how I usually feel - worse.

This got me thinking about my life in general and it seems to me that essentially, in each moment, we are being asked to open, open to life, open to love, open to the moment. Feel the sun on my face, hear the sounds of the lawnmowers in the distance, smile at the cashier at the bank. Or not. It is always my choice, to open to what is happening right now or to close off, hunker down, disconnect.

That is my practice for right now, to recognize that in EACH moment, I am being asked to open. And then to become the witness as much as the actor and simultaneously open to possibility as well as observe my choice.

Ultimately our lives are filled with the choices we make in each moment - to open or close. All of us know people on both sides of that spectrum. People who say yes and lots of people who say no. Most of us are somewhere in the middle. Yet we all know that when we do open, it feels natural. We are connecting to who we truly are. We just seem to need a moment to moment reminder.