5 Ideas for Managing This Anxious World

Worried about the next snowstorm hitting your city or that your flight will be delayed? You’re not alone. In fact, every single one of us experiences anxiety. But when we constantly avoid socializing, excessively sweat before a presentation or are unable to sleep because our minds won’t stop, then anxiety may be taking us over.

According to the National Institute of Mental Health, 40 million Americans or 18% of our population is suffering from this level of anxiety making it the top mental illness diagnosis. Anxiety is clearly the malady of our modern day life.

What Exactly is Anxiety?

Anxiety, as I mentioned earlier, is a normal human response to uncertainty and we experience it often in our lives at work, in school (such as before tests), when we make decisions or if something unexpected arises.

Anxiety becomes a problem when our feelings and thoughts prevent action or cause symptoms that render us unable to cope. These include constant worry, panic, fear and apprehension. There can also be physical symptoms such as sweating, heart palpitations, high blood pressure, and restlessness.

Why Are We So Anxious?

Our modern world is exciting and fast. Thanks to technology we’re also hyper connected and constantly exposed to vast quantities of information. It’s simply too much to process.

In addition, anxiety is effortlessly fed by looming uncertainties like the slow economic recovery, rising terrorism, constant environmental stressors, and managing life’s increasingly complex responsibilities.

If we’re forward thinking, we easily become habituated toward worry, fear and anxiety. What’s going to happen? How am I going to manage it? What if I get Ebola?

To cope with anxiety, many people take Benzodiazepine medications such as: Xanax, Ativan, Valium or Klonopin. These pills target the gamma-aminobutyric acid or GABA, a neurotransmitter chemical, enabling the user to feel more relaxed, and less anxious. They can be addicting and often, when a pill wears off, can make a person feel even more anxious.

What Else Can We Do?

Here are 5 Easy Ways to Address Anxiety Without Medication

1.     Manage It

The number one thing we can do to help ourselves deal with anxiety is to change our thinking.

Let’s reframe anxiety and accept that it exists, that we will feel it and experience it. Anxiety will never go away because we are hard wired to have it. Instead, we have to manage it and recognize it as a warning.

What Does Anxiety Want to Teach Me Right Now?

Do I need to make sure my car is filled with gasoline before the storm? Should I double check my alarm clock so I won’t be late for the meeting? Anxiety is a natural warning system but it doesn’t have to become a way of life.

2.     Be Present

Often we fall into anxious thoughts because we’ve moved ourselves out of the present moment and into a future scenario.  We imagine terrible suffering and awful possibilities. To quote Mark Twain, “.. life does not consist mainly -- or even largely -- of facts and happenings. It consists mainly of the storm of thoughts that is forever blowing through one's head.”

Instead, if we can bring our attention back to this moment, most of the time, nothing awful is happening. It’s all in our heads. When I find my mind careening forward and painting scary scenarios, I remind myself to come back to now, back to this present moment.

Then I ask questions like:

Am I safe right now?

Am I supported right now?

Are my children okay?

Am I healthy?

And nearly all the time, the answer is yes.

3. Foster Healthy Mind Habits

Left to its own devices, our minds wander, projecting lots of “what if” scenarios or telling us scary stories and other negative things like: “They don’t like me.” “I’ll lose my job.” ”He’s talking about me.” “They’ll never hire me.” “I won’t have enough money.”

Catching ourselves thinking like this is the first step.

Then we can begin to change those thoughts and shift into healthier patterns. Choosing positive self-talk, reassuring words and kind messages instead. Phrases like:

“I’m doing a good job.”

“I can ask for help if I need it.”

“I’m an excellent money manager.”

4.     Limit News

We can also support ourselves by limiting our exposure to the news. Today we can see what is happening across the globe and sometimes that level of knowledge can feed our anxiety. Learning about a military coup or suicide bomber can fuel our fear and propel us into anxiety when, in all likelihood, that occurrence will have no real impact on our lives. Especially avoid watching the news before bed.

5.     Exercise

The research that exercise reduces stress and anxiety is overwhelming. We all know it immediately makes us feel better, boosts our immune system and releases endorphins. And yet, when I’m in an anxious state, it can be hard to get myself motivated.

So the best strategies to ensure that exercise is part of your life are to:

• Create a regular routine.

  • Maybe it’s a walk with friends once a week or an evening yoga class. For me it’s running 4-5 times a week.
     
  • Creating a routine can help us stay exercising even when anxiety appears.
     

• Have a buddy.

  •  Initially it was really hard for me to be self-motivated to exercise.
    I relied on my husband to get me going. He loves working out and was like a cheerleader for me.
     

  • Another way to have accountability is to meet someone at the gym or studio. Knowing someone is waiting can get you there when you feel unmotivated.

So the next time you find yourself feeling anxious and stressed, try incorporating some or all of the above. If you need more help, reach out to a friend, coach or therapist. There’s no reason to feel oppressed by this life. It’s here for you to be lived and enjoyed to the fullest. So get out there, have fun and live anxiety free!

What do you do for anxiety?

Leave a comment below!

And get my blogs straight to your inbox today, FREE!

3 Reasons Why Lying Doesn’t Work in Relationships

I read an article over the weekend in which the author encouraged us to lie, especially to our loved ones. I had to re-read his words because I could not believe it. His premise was that in order to keep the peace, we lie to one another and not reveal our true thoughts.

One of his arguments was that we can’t always say exactly what we’re thinking.

At times we have to be mindful and discerning about how we speak to people.

This isn’t lying – it’s phrasing things so that another can more easily hear it. After all, none of us enjoy being criticized or put down. And those forms of communication are totally ineffective anyway. So instead of saying to my friend, “you don’t do anything anyway so why not.” I might re-phrase it to “you have the time since you don’t have a lot of commitments.”

Even after finishing the article I was far from convinced of the merits of lying. In fact, I think the opposite is true. In all relationships, and especially love ones, we need honesty.

Am I alone in thinking this?

Here’s why honesty matters

1.     Trust

How do you have a relationship without trust? I need to trust that my lawyer or accountant is ethical, does things legally and has my best interests in mind. Likewise, I need to trust that my employees are truthful with me, don’t steal or reveal trade secrets.

As we need trust in our business relationships, we need it even more in our intimate ones.

I want to know that what you promise to do, what you say, you genuinely mean. Then I can count on you, physically and emotionally. I used to have a relationship in which I could not rely on my partner. He was never there for me. He would always say yes or be indecisive but then when the day rolled around, would be unavailable. Guess what happened?

2.     When You’re Trustworthy, I Open Up More

We all crave intimacy. We all want to be known and understood. This only happens when we feel emotionally safe with another person. I allow myself to be vulnerable because I know my husband will support me. If I share a deep fear or angst with him, he doesn’t belittle me or make me wrong. Instead he listens deeply, and encourages me. This kind of sharing can only happen when we’re truthful. If instead of listening to me, my husband cracked a joke or placated me with a platitude, I would cease opening up to him. And eventually we would grow farther and farther apart.

3.     A Genuine Sounding Board Not A Yes Man

Think about it. Do you have respect for people who always tell you what you want to hear? It may feel nice at first but isn’t it so much more refreshing when someone is honest? When they question your judgment or actions?  We all need people in our lives who can be the voice of encouragement or concern – who take on either role. It gives us clarity and truthful feedback. This only comes with honesty, trust and rapport.

What works for you in your relationships? Do you find that you tell little lies often for fear of hurting someone’s feelings or because you don’t know how to be truthful? Or do you feel that your relationships are built on trust and honesty?

Tell me what works for you. I’m all ears.

Leave me a comment below.

Get my blog in your inbox! Sign up today - it's FREE!

What’s Motivating You?

It’s still January and not too late to start those resolutions. So…

How do I get motivated?

Motivation or why we do things is super interesting to me.

I’ve spent a lot of time and energy researching it because I’ve wanted to inspire and motivate – in the classroom, with my clients and with myself.

Recently I was watching Tony Robbins do a Ted Talk. In it, he identified 6 key factors that motivate human behavior.

They are: certainty, uncertainty (or variety), significance, love/connection, growth and contribution.

His 6 characteristics allow us to dig a little deeper into motivation and get into the why behind it.

If we can identify the why, we can better understand our needs, our thoughts, emotions and ultimately our behavior.

So, let’s walk through these.

Certainty

People who are motivated by certainty crave safety and security. They prefer routine and want life to be predictable and ordered. They’re uncomfortable with change or stretching out of their comfort zones. Is that you?

Uncertainty/Variety

Those who like uncertainty or variety need change, and stimulation. They are easily bored, crave new-ness, and adventure. If you are one of these people, it’s hard to sit at a desk all day doing the same thing. Perhaps these folks find work as tour operators, are self-employed or are entrepreneurs specializing in startups.

Significance

For those seeking significance, they strive to be accomplished, knowledgeable, and worthy of respect. Many people crave to feel important, or relevant and play it out in a myriad of ways. They become an expert in a field, enjoy being the life of the party or crave to be in charge – the boss.

Love/Connection

Love and connection satisfy the need for belonging.  As humans, we all want to be loved and feel connected to others. If love and connection are your primary motivators, you seek out a partner, friendships, to be part of a community- at work, socially or perhaps in a church or temple setting.

Both growth and contribution are ways that we self-actualize.

Tony Robbins says that the previous four (certainty, uncertainty, significance and love/connection) are all on the level of personality. Where as these two, growth and contribution, are on the level of the soul.

Growth

Each of us craves growth. It's the natural order of life to grow, learn and evolve. If you’re primarily motivated by growth think of what you fill your life with – books, online courses, goal setting, seeking out teachers and mentors. Perhaps even travel.

Contribution

Lastly, contribution is the ultimate aspect of self-actualization. Stepping out of ourselves and helping others is the most rewarding endeavor. Taking care of another human being, fills us with happiness, peace and love. Recognizing that there is more to do than taking care of me helps me remember that, in truth, we are all one. I can help others and make the world a better place – for that person and for myself.

When we explore why we do things, why we make certain decisions, we can trace them back to our motivation. It’s as if our motivation is calling the shots – giving us the feelings and the words to take action.

Am I calling this person because I want to feel significant or am I doing it because I want to be connected? Maybe I’m trying to contribute?

Am I moving back in with my parents because I need to feel secure or is it so I can grow by going back to school?

When we uncover what those underlying motivations are, it can help us more easily accomplish our goals and objectives.

Sometimes we don’t want to do things and the best way to get unstuck is to understand what’s behind it, what’s motivating you.

So here’s an example. When I found myself at 22 living in Hong Kong, working at a job where I felt neither significant nor connected, but had a constant routine that made me feel like a slave to my desk, I realized I had to make a change. And the things that stood out to me at that time were:

1.     Variety

I needed a job where I didn’t have to do the same thing all day long. I needed to move around and do different tasks.

2.     Connection

There I was living in a foreign country and I knew next to nothing about Chinese culture and had hardly any friends. I yearned to feel plugged in.

3.     Contribution

I wanted to make a difference. To have a job that could help others.

So, what happened?

I became a teacher and it met all of those requirements!

In delving in to our motivations, we can better understand ourselves and move in the directions that feel most fulfilling and rewarding to us. Give it a try!

What’s motivating you?

Let me know by leaving me a comment below.

Sign Up today!

Are Your Beliefs Holding You Back?

Since it’s the middle of January I’ve still got resolutions on my mind. Last week I wrote about turning those resolutions into goals and then taking action by identifying the: what, why, how and when. If you need help with that, download my FREE Goals and Action Step worksheets HERE

But if you’ve already done that and are still struggling to get going, it may be time to dig a little deeper and uncover any negative beliefs that might be getting in your way.

What is a belief?

Stated simply, a belief is an idea or concept that we believe is true about ourselves, others or the world at large.

The first time I heard that definition, I was at a weekend workshop about money and wealth lead by Harv Eker and a light bulb went on. I suddenly realized my beliefs weren’t set in stone. They were just ideas I had decided were true for me. Instantly I got that I was in control AND could change them! It was exciting, thrilling and aweing.

If you’re like I was before I attended that workshop, you probably haven’t spent a lot of time thinking about your beliefs. But here’s the thing, what we believe is dictating how we feel, what we think and how we show up in our lives.

So it’s time to dig in and figure yours out.

How are your beliefs hindering you?

• Is the Universe benevolent or dangerous?

• Do you deserve success?

• Are you loveable?

Your answers to these 3 basic questions can help you identify some core beliefs that may be keeping you stuck.

For example, I used to think that the world was an unsafe place. This belief was developed over years, starting from when I was a young girl. My sister and I went to boarding school the year I turned 8 (and she 7). I had to take care of her. I was scared all the time. Every weekend we traveled from a small town in Connecticut to Manhattan. I constantly felt afraid and alone.

My belief that the world is an unsafe place arose as a response to what I was experiencing.

I decided that I had to be vigilant because no one would be there for me, that there was danger everywhere. These beliefs got solidified over the years every time I was unsupported or rejected.

Since I took that money workshop, I’ve come to see how this basic core belief has severely hindered my ability to trust, take risks, make deep connections, and instead propelled me to hide or check out using food, drugs or alcohol.

Changing Your Beliefs

So, I decided to shift my belief. I wanted to have hope and not fear, feel supported not threatened, be accepted not rejected.

I worked on this using self-reflection and awareness. When I noticed that my body felt anxious or my mind was tense or nervous, I calmed myself with breathing, meditation and positive self talk using affirmations such as: “I am safe in the Universe and all life loves and supports me.”

I also talked about what I was experiencing and feeling with a life coach. I wanted to understand where this belief came from and actively pull it out by its emotional roots. When that process was completed, I had to replace it with a new belief.

If you’re ready to dig in, start by answering those 3 Core Questions from above:

• Is the Universe benevolent or dangerous?

• Do you deserve success?

• Are you loveable?

If you answered any of these in the negative, take a closer look.

Why is it that way?

What happened in your past that lead to this belief?

Are you ready to let those old stories about who you were go?

What can you tell yourself instead?

The process of delving into this might seem scary but it will change your life. The only thing limiting you is you and that starts with your beliefs. So jump in, have fun and reach out if you need any help!

Let me know how it goes by leaving me a comment below or sending me an email.

And if you haven't joined our online community, here's your chance.

Sign Up Today, it's Free!

Nail Your New Year’s Resolutions In 4 Easy Steps

On some level, I think all of us dread one thing about the New Year… resolutions. What we think are lofty or even good for us can soon feel obligatory and for some, even oppressive.

This is why I’ve taken a new attitude on the resolution. We all know that after a few glasses of champagne on December 31st, it’s easy to make loads of promises we may or may not keep, right? So here’s my idea:

Turn those resolutions into goals and create action steps using this 4-Step Process.

Step 1.    Choose a few resolutions/goals that you really want.

I’ll use an example that many Americans decided on New Year’s Eve - to lose weight.

The first thing I’m going to do, though, is qualify it. What does lose weight mean to me? Do I want to lose 10 pounds or 100 pounds?

Look at your resolution. If it’s too general, make it more specific. I’m going to turn – to lose weight – into:

My Resolution/Goal is: To lose 20 pounds

Step 2.    Why did you choose this resolution/goal? Examine your motivation, reason or rationale.

For Step 2, I need to decide on my why. Why weight? Why 20 pounds?

Ask yourself why you want to make this change in your life. The truth is that if we don’t have a good reason, we aren’t going to do it. So dig in, find out what your motivation is!

My answer is because I feel unhealthy.
I can’t fit into my clothes and I’m tired all the time.
I want to both feel good and look good!

Step 3.     Implementation – Now that you’re clear about the what (resolution/goal) and the why, the next piece to answer is the how.

a.     How are you going to achieve this goal?

b.     What specific actions will you take?

c.      Do you need to enlist anyone’s help?

Step 3 is critical because this is what needs to occur in order for you to get results. These are the actual steps you will want to take in order to achieve the goal. So in my example, I have to figure out what I’m going to do to really lose 20 pounds. Here are some of my ideas:

Stop drinking sugar drinks (like soda)

Cut out junk food – no fast food, chips or donuts

Walk after dinner with my partner (here I’m enlisting help)

Drink more water

Step 4.     Create a timeline – Chunk out your action steps and put dates to them.

The last step is putting it all in motion because it won’t get done if we don’t plan and make time for it, right? Think about your entire year and the benchmarks you want to see over that time. It can be monthly or quarterly. Then think about each and every week, every day and what’s going to happen.

For my resolution, I have a year to lose 20 pounds and I want to do it slowly so I will keep it off.

For Step 4, I have to put my ideas from Step 3 into a timeline.

Weekly:

Starting today, I will stop drinking soda but allow myself one a week.

I will pack lunch instead of buying it except on Fridays when I'll treat myself to lunch out (but not fast food)

Walk after dinner at least 3 times a week – on Mondays, Wednesdays and Thursdays

Everyday, I will drink 8 glasses of water

This week I will buy a water bottle I love and carry it everywhere 

Over the Year (Quarterly):

By March 1, I will have lost 5 pounds or I'll start walking 5 times a week

By June 1, I will have lost 10 pounds or I'll stop drinking soda altogether

By September 1, I will have lost 15 pounds or I'll pack my lunch everyday

After school or work today, sit down with those resolutions. Choose the ones that really matter and then walk them through this 4-Step process. What can you start doing this week to make your life better? Change is doable but we need a plan and a timeline. Once you design action steps that work for you, you’ll be amazed at the results! So, grab a paper and pen or sit down in front of your iPad and have fun!

Let me know how it goes. Leave me a comment below.

And join our growing community! It's free.

Time to Manifest! Make A 2015 Vision Board

For the past several years, our family has had a New Year’s tradition. We decided to make our own because -here's my confession- I always hated New Year’s Eve. From the time I was a teenager, my sister and I would look at each other mystified. All everyone seemed to do was get drunk and then watch a stupid ball drop. What was the big deal?

So a few years ago, we modified our evening to make it work for us. As a family, we enjoy a celebratory meal, something special, because it is a holiday after all. We even have a bottle of champagne or Prosecco along with sparkling apple cider, (known in our house as kids champagne.) After our leisurely meal, we all gather in the living room and get to work making… vision boards.

What is a Vision Board?

It is a pictorial representation of your year, what you would like to manifest or be inspired by in the upcoming year.

We buy poster board, and canvas panels, glue, sparkly markers, have lots of magazines and scissors and start cutting out images, words, and phrases that speak to each of us.

Often before I start, I spend some time making a list of goals and intentions I’d like to manifest for my year. I think about every aspect of my life from my career, to my health, finances, family, spirituality and, importantly, fun!

Then I tease out each idea. For example, if I want to be more successful in my career, I try to specify what that means. I qualify it by stating a certain amount of money or a specific number of transactions, appointments, sales or closings.

With these clear ideas in mind, I get to work digging for words, and pictures that will best remind and inspire me. Maybe for my above goal, I’ll put the phrase “cash in the bank” as a reminder or find a photo of someone shaking another person’s hand to represent a sale. Perhaps I really want to see humpback whales this year on vacation, so I’ll look for a picture of them to add to my board.

Other than that, the look, design and outcome are all up to you and your creativity!

It’s an opportunity to both have fun with your family and work toward manifesting your dreams in 2015.

If you’re in Vero Beach, join us on Saturday, January 3rd as we’ll be making vision boards together! Click here for more information. Otherwise, here’s what you’ll need:

Supplies for Vision Boards:

•  Poster Board or Canvas Panels (These are canvas-coated cardboard and can be found at Michael’s)

• Rubber Cement – This is the best glue even though it’s smelly, because it dries flat

• Magazines -  A wide variety is best

• Photographs – Take some time before New Year’s Eve to print any photos you’ll want to add

• Scissors – One for each person is ideal

• Anything Else Fun – Markers, stickers, glitter, ribbon, stencil lettering, craft paper...

This is a great activity with people of all ages. Kids especially enjoy it and are incredibly creative.

When you’re done, post your boards below so I can see them!

Happy 2015!

And if you aren't part of our community, sign up today!

What’s Your One Word for 2015?

Last year, right after 2014 had just begun, I was listening to Dr. Robert Holden on Hay House radio. He shared an idea he’d been doing for awhile of choosing one word for his new year. Then he would meditate on it, delve into it, and explore it for the next 365 days.

Inspired, I decided to do the same, choose one word for the year.

My word for 2014 has been trust.

Over the past twelve months, I’ve allowed myself to simply be with this word and see what happens. At one point, around March, I had a serious crisis with trust. I became super afraid of the future, and about what might happen. That experience invited me to go deeper with trust and prompted me to create a visual representation to both remind and inspire me to open up more to trust.

As part of my pictorial representation, I have a few quotes from Rumi. Here’s one of them:                                  Knock, and He’ll open the door.
Vanish, and He’ll make you shine like the sun.
Fall, and He’ll raise you to the heavens.
Become nothing and He’ll turn you into everything.

When I see this, it helps remind me to let go and… trust.

2014 is coming to a close and as I reflect on my relationship with trust, I am pleasantly surprised to realize that I’ve embraced trust at a deeper level than ever AND am experiencing it in a new way.

In fact, I don’t even think about trust (or lack of it) in the same way. The constant uncertainty or questioning I always had before has slowly fallen away. Now trust is a given, it just exists. It’s my divine right. I know the outcome is assured and I trust that my life will unfold in the right and perfect way.

But over the past 12 months that wasn’t always the case. I’ve felt insecure and scared, uncertain and fearful.

To me, trusting in life is trusting in the unknown. Often when I have those hiccups of faith, those moments of anxiety or lack in trust, they occur right before some kind of transition or change. Maybe it’s me moving into doing something new, taking a risk or challenging myself. Each time, it’s like I have to jump into the void. I see myself standing on a cliff having to leap off into the unknown. So of course my visual representation depicts a cliff with the word trust spanning it.

Over a decade ago, I had an astrologer tell me that I was so taken care of, I could relax back into the hammock of God’s love, that this energetic web would completely support me no matter what. Of course at the time, there was NO WAY I was doing that-- relaxing, trusting. The world was too unsafe and uncertain.

I couldn’t trust any living person, how could I trust something I couldn’t even see?

Yet it was almost like my astrologer planted a seed, a reminder of what was there for me. Over the years, I’ve allowed myself to try it out, to lie back into that energetic hammock and feel supported.

Fifteen or so years later, I’m capable of doing this more and more, especially after this year, my year of exploring trust. And you guessed it. I can look at my picture of trust, hanging over my desk, and see the golden hammock.

Today I do feel that trust. I know that I am being held and supported, that only good lies before me, that I am loved and guided. My only job is to show up, be present and loving.

Now I have to choose a word for 2015.

I have so enjoyed my exploration into trust. It has opened up a new way of being for me and I can honestly say that trust is a permanent part of me. I carry it with me always, like I own it.

Since I more fully understand the power of choosing a word and its significance in my life, I have to find THE word for 2015. Simultaneously, I know I don’t really have to go in search of it, because just as trust showed up loud and clear as my word for 2014, I know the right and perfect word will appear any day now.

This new word will invite me to contemplate it for the upcoming year with thoughtfulness, intention and insight. And I’m looking forward to it!

Do you know what your word for 2015 is?

If so, share it with me! If not, sit with this idea and ask, “What’s my word for 2015?” Invite your word to come to you. How will you then spend your year exploring and delving into it?  

Let me know, I'm all ears! Leave me a note below.

And sign up today for our news and blogs, FREE!

3 Strategies for Negotiating Divorce, Children & the Holidays with Compassion

The holidays, for all that we look forward to them, can also bring out stress, tension and emotional tests. And when we add divorce into the mix, things can get even more challenging.

My parents split up when I was a young girl and although I looked forward to presents and special holiday treats, underneath that excitement was always a layer of sadness. Because I knew that one of my parents would be spending the holidays alone.

That knowledge made my heart hurt.

These days I observe my own children navigating a similar landscape. I watch as they jockey between houses and allegiances. It seems even more complicated than when I was little. Do my girls spend time with my created family, their stepsister and our extended relatives or go to their Dad’s and be with their half brothers and stepmom?

My solution has always been to attempt to bring everyone together.

It worked for me growing up. My father started coming to my mother’s house, bringing my nana and aunt, around the time I entered high school. I was secretly relieved because it meant that no one was alone.

Now that I’m the parent, I’ve tried to remedy our holiday situation by offering to do the same thing, have everyone come to my house. But maybe that isn’t the right solution because something different may stress my kids out. Perhaps they feel pulled by other dilemmas such as wanting to be in two places simultaneously?

So here’s what I’ve come up with:

1.     Listen to the Kids

Growing up, I never had any say in where I spent my holidays. My parents made all the decisions and I went along. Truthfully, I never questioned it. That’s just how it was.

But what if I’d been asked? Would that have helped? This idea hit me over the head like a ton of bricks the other day, a big a-ha. What do my kids want? Why don’t I ask them? Giving children say helps them feel less like victims and invites them into the discussion. Of course it also depends on how old they are but even elementary school aged children can be surprisingly astute.

Divorce is hard to navigate for everyone, not just the parents but the kids too. After all, they’re the ones that get shuttled back and forth. So ask them how they want to spend the holidays. They might have the perfect answer!

2.     Lay It Down

Obviously we all got divorced for reasons. During holiday times, it’s easy for some ill will to flair up. Decide, for the sake of the season and the kids, if it’s possible to lay those feelings aside. Just for now, to make things work harmoniously for the children. Think about it, not as giving those feelings up, but as putting them aside for the moment.

3.     Remember the Goal

Holidays are supposed to be a time of gratitude and love, about giving and receiving. If we can orient ourselves back to this place, it can help us better see how to navigate the situation.

The goal is to recognize and honor each person involved and create plans that are in everyone’s highest and best good. Maybe that sounds lofty but it’s also do-able when we can do two things: Be willing to talk about a workable schedule and possibly compromise. That’s when we have to remember the goal. It may mean releasing some control and finding common ground. But in the end, it will be worth it when the holiday is peaceful, enjoyable and stress-free.

We all want the holidays to be special. We strive to create quality time together that’s fun and joyful. By inviting participation in establishing a schedule that best honors each person’s needs and wishes, gives everyone the opportunity to work together. And that feels so much better than having no say. 

How do holidays work in your family? Leave a comment below!

And stay in touch! Sign Up Today - FREE

Feeling Afraid? Try Acknowledging It

When I was in my early 20s, I was offered a job in sales and design for a manufacturer in Hong Kong. My office was in a factory located in an industrialized and severely polluted part of the territories. After arriving and settling in, I quickly realized that it wasn’t the job for me.

They hardly had anything for me to do and had hired me primarily as a favor to my mother. Every day I sat at my desk in a windowless room pretending to work. It was pretty awful.

About six months later I mustered up the courage to quit.

I made a list of what I felt like I needed in my life. Things like: sunshine, variety, more than 2 weeks vacation, connection. Between my list and my language limitations -not speaking Cantonese- I decided I should become a teacher. In fact, it met all of my requirements!

And of course that’s what happened.

I was offered a position at an international high school. I was thrilled, my first real job. I excitedly began prepping for my English literature and language classes until the night before school officially began. That’s when it dawned on me.

My job was public speaking all day, every day and I panicked.

As a child, I'd loved performing but that had all changed in high school. I had a crisis in confidence resulting from being socially ostracized. Now I was shy and scared, and most importantly, had lost my voice.

I quickly ran out of my apartment and down to the lobby then took off walking. My building was located on a cliff overlooking the harbor and was dark and quiet. As I walked, my mind whirred.

“What am I going to do? I can’t believe this. How could I have been so stupid? I can’t public speak all day everyday.” That freaked out voice went on and on until another voice interjected.

This new voice said to me, “It’s just fear. Can you do it anyway?”

Recently I’d read William Faulkner’s acceptance speech. The one he had given upon receiving the Nobel Prize for Literature in 1950. He’d spoken about the pervasive fear in the United States caused by the Cold War and the impending doom of nuclear annihilation that hovered over us. He went on to say: “[the young writer] must teach himself that the basest of all things is to be afraid; and, teaching himself that, forget it forever…”

Huh. I began to reason with myself. Fear is just an emotion. Was I going to let it stop me from teaching? Could I go through with it anyway, even though I was scared?

And the answer was, “yes, I can” and that’s exactly what I did.

In that moment, I realized that I was bigger than my fear. I had allowed myself to recognize it, and then put it aside.

Shortly after this, I saw a film that reconfirmed what I had experienced. In the movie, one of the characters quotes a Spanish proverb.

Translated it was: “A life lived in fear is a life half lived.”

Sitting in that movie theatre, I resolved that I would not live a half-life. I wanted to live a full, rich, complete life; truly experience being alive. And if that meant learning how to deal with fear, then that’s what I was going to do.

That was more than two decades ago but I still feel the same way today. Of course, fear keeps knocking and every time, I have to pay attention.

And in that time here’s what I‘ve learned:

Just because I experience fear, it doesn’t mean it has to control me.

If I acknowledge it, then I can manage it. When I try to push fear away or drown it by eating too much, drinking or avoiding, it comes back even stronger. Instead, when I recognize the fear and face it, just like I did on that dark cliff in Hong Kong, then I can disable it. I relegate it to the back seat instead of allowing it to be the driver. This way fear becomes my fellow traveler and not my boss.

What have you found helpful in managing fear?

Leave a comment below!

And sign up to receive more news from Shakti!

Finding Peace Amidst Crazy

It’s really easy to get sucked into busy. I watch people race around corners, speed talk into their phones, order lunch while texting.

And I confess, I’ve been addicted to busy too.

Not long ago I was a single mom of two, and then started a business. If that wasn’t enough, a few years after that I went back to school and then… Yes, the list continues but not for long because soon I’d blown my adrenals; too much stress.

Guess what that felt like?
Like having a constant panic attack.

Instead of feeling no energy, I felt even more anxious, stressed out and crazed. Fortunately, I had a health practitioner who diagnosed it and I didn’t end up on anti-anxiety medication, just adrenal supplements. Almost immediately I felt calmer.

But here’s the thing.

A pill helped me feel better BUT I had to change my lifestyle AND confess that I was addicted to busy.

Busy is very alluring. After all, busy made me feel important. I had calls to make, appointments to attend, people waiting for me, more emails in my inbox than I could read. I mattered. I had value. I was doing, doing, doing until I dropped.

So now what? How to manage busy with balance?

Well, balance is a word that didn’t feel like it fit at all in my modern world. But when I started inserting small acts of self-care, rest and pleasure, it was easier for me to begin to release busy.

If you’re willing to try and alleviate busy, just a little bit, here are some easy ideas to slot right in:

1.     Heading to Work? Try Breathing.

• Turn off the radio, close that magazine or newspaper and breathe.
• Do it for 5 minutes and count your breaths. Inhale ONE, exhale TWO until you get to ELEVEN. Then start over.
•  Ignore the people staring at you or driving by.
• Focus on your breath. If you lose count, start over.

This will clear your mind and allow you to feel more focused when you get to work.

2.     Stop at Lunchtime. Take 20 minutes -Go Sit Outside, Preferably by Water.

•  Eat an apple or a yogurt (something satisfying but healthy-ish).
• Don’t look at your phone. In fact, don’t even bring it.
• Just listen to the water, look at it and stop.

If you do this, you’ll be amazed at its ability to recharge you.
The afternoon will be more productive, feel less stressed and fly by.

3.     Fun. When’s the last time you had fun? What does fun even mean to you?

• Throw a Frisbee in your back yard or a nearby park with a spouse, friend or child.
• Dance around the living room to your favorite upbeat song.
• Play a board game like Clue, Pictionary or Twister instead of a computer one.

4.     On Your Way Home? Instead of listening to the news or going through the home To Do List or menu planning -

• Put on some uplifting music. Something that will kick you into happy.
• How about Beethoven’s 9th Symphony and soar with Ode to Joy?
• If classical music isn’t your thing, try some banjo picking blue grass or choral South African rhythms.
• Find something that will instantly put a smile on your face and make your heart sing.

When you get home, you’ll feel clear and ready for the next task.

5.      One Minute Mantra – Do this ANYTIME.

• Try it first thing when you wake up or at any point throughout the day.
• Pick an affirmation that will calm you down.
• It could be “I am safe” Or “I easily and effortlessly get everything done.”
• Maybe it’s “Creativity flows through me” or I am surrounded by love.”
• Take one of these or find a saying that feels good to you.
• When your mind starts with “I can’t….” or “I have too much to do…” and you feel the anxiety rising, embrace your statement.
• Just repeat it over and over. Instantly the anxiety should lessen.

Let me know how it goes and if busy feels suddenly less so.

Leave me a comment telling me which of these 5 YOU liked the best!

And sign up to stay in the know.

A Life Lesson from my 14-Year Old

Last week my 14-year old was being just that, a 14-year old. When I’d ask a question, I’d get a grunt or if I was lucky a one word answer. I knew in my heart that it wasn’t about me but as the days wore on and the behavior stayed the same I watched my tolerance expire.

Finally, I just couldn’t take it anymore.

Fortunately, I didn’t lose it in front of her, yell or express my frustration. Instead, I called a friend. “I need help. My daughter won’t talk to me and I’ve reached the end. I don’t think I can take another day of this.”

In our conversation, what ended up emerging wasn’t my daughter’s behavior but rather my response to her behavior. After all, I want to show up and be loving, supportive, kind, empathetic. Don’t you?

Instead I felt frustrated, irritated and annoyed. And that made me feel embarrassed.

What I wanted was to be able to keep riding it, let it wash over me like a wave, knowing that it was just temporary. I wanted to allow her the freedom to be where she was and how she was without being affected by it. But sometimes, in the moment, that’s hard to realize and easy to fall into defeat.

So why did my response bother me?

Underneath my disappointment about not showing up as a loving presence, was the fear that I was being a bad parent AND that behavior would have lasting effects.

Here’s how the unconscious thought went, “because I’m being a bad parent, I’ll never have a good, loving relationship with her.”

Talk about projection! Wow.

Once I got clear about my underlying fear and could satisfactorily let it go, I instantly felt calm, refreshed and no longer annoyed. In fact, I actually forgot that her behavior had been bothering me at all.

And guess what happened?

The next day my daughter was Miss Chatty in the car!

I’m constantly amazed at the truth of this. Every time I let go and shift my behavior, the whole dynamic changes.

So often we feel out of control or feel the need to change someone else or their behavior.  But the ultimate lesson is that we can only control us or in my case, me. And when I do, when I own my reactions, face the triggers and release them, I free myself. And then, like magic, everything else changes.

Do you have a teenager? Have you experienced this?

Tell me about your journey in a comment below.

And sign up to join our growing community!

Who Are You?

In the last 40+ years I’ve asked myself this question, Who Am I?" countless times. Sometimes when I hear it I see the caterpillar from Alice in Wonderland, smoking his hookah and looking sagely down at Alice. He pointedly and stiltedly inquires, “whoooo are youuuuu?”

Sometimes I hear Roger Daltrey’s voice belting it out “tell me who, who, who are you...”

When you’re asked, "who are you?" what’s the answer?

Is it an automatic default with responses like: “I’m a woman (man), a wife (husband), a daughter (son), a mother (father), a student… “

It’s pretty common to identify with roles we play in our lives because, to a large extent, they define us or we allow them to define us.

Once I really committed to a spiritual path though, this question seemed to haunt me. I say this because it was like I had to go deeper with it, deeper than the external roles I play and that I thought defined me.

I am a body- a female, blonde, tallish… or am I?

Am I really a body, separate from everything? But I am more than just a body.

I’m a soul, a part of the one-ness of the Uni-verse.

I’ve been tricked into thinking I’m a body. But who I am, my soul, is eternal, never dies.

There’s a famous Indian saint named Sri Ramana Maharshi who is often quoted as asking his students that question, “Who Are you?"

I used to imagine him asking me that question and staring at him blankly, feeling completely empty and void of a single idea.

Apparently, though his goal in asking the question wasn’t necessarily to get an answer but to encourage self-reflection.

In other words, to go deeper.

Not to have it be a ‘mind’ exercise but to really contemplate our basic consciousness, our true nature or essential being. And as we do this, we see that we are not a role, not a body, that we are part of the whole, infinite one-ness or God, the Uni-verse or whatever word you like.

In fact, it isn’t actually a question at all but a statement, “I am…”

And therein lies its power.

If we know that we are part of God, that we co-create our world, then “I am” becomes how we define the vastness and greatness of who we are. The limits, definitions or roles are simply ways we make ourselves smaller, not believing that we are indeed capable of greatness.

As Marianne Williamson so eloquently stated in A Return to Love:

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people will not feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It is not just in some of us; it is in everyone and as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give others permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.

So, the next time you hear the question, “Who are you?” what will you say?

Write your answer below!

And if you haven't already, sign up to receive these blogs directly in your inbox!

You Said NOTHING?

Sometimes life can feel like an endless To Do List. This weekend, while I contemplated relaxing, got eaten up instead with household chores, entertaining and childcare.

Suddenly it's Monday again! The have-tos start as soon as the alarm goes off and the week can easily be absorbed with task fulfillment and checked boxes.

When this happens, my life begins to feel like a treadmill.

I walk, run, sprint but am on this endless go round. That’s when a little thought enters my mind and suggests it might be time to stop and do... nothing.

That's right, I said it, do nothing.

This is like the antithesis of the American way now. In fact, think about how we meet and greet people. More and more often we say, "Hey, how ya doin'?" or  "What did you do over the weekend?" We're conditioning ourselves to be rewarded by accomplishments, achievements, lists completed.

Isn't it a little embarrassing to walk into work after a long weekend and in response to "What did you do?" your answer might be "nothing." Do we not want to admit that? If we do we might be perceived as lazy, a slacker or even an avoider.

And it isn’t just weekends, Americans take less time off than any other workers in developed nations.

Not only do we have less vacation days than other countries -on average Americans get 10 paid days per year and 6 paid holidays versus a minimum of 20 in the EU. Studies also indicate that 51% of American workers don't even use all of their vacation time. What's more 61% actually work while they're on vacation. So even when we do finally take a few days off, it’s pretty common to be on the phone or checking email. Like we just can’t turn off or unplug.

For the past year, I've consciously made an effort at being less of a Do-er. Trying to slow down and check out.

To transition myself, I’ve been actively working on two concepts:

The first one is busyness.

Somehow because Americans have become these formidable Do-ers, we derive our self worth from that: doing- accomplishing, achieving, crossing all the items off the to-do list. When I’m trapped in that cycle I never have enough time. There's always too much to do. I run from task to task feeling rushed and anxious, knowing I'll never get it all done. 

My first step was getting off the busy ride.

I decided it was okay not to get everything done. I was going to survive if I sent that email tomorrow, went to the post office on Friday or delayed a meeting until next week. The sky didn't fall, the business didn't close, and no one seemed put out.

Slowing down and being more realistic with my "have tos" has made my life feel increasingly peaceful and less stressful. In fact, I’m even learning how to say no! As in, it's ok not to do everything!

The second lesson as I keep moving away from busy is toward relaxing.

At first I implemented this just with my schedule. I started limiting the hours that I worked in a day adding more down time, exercise time, and trying to find a balance that felt good to me. I no longer wanted to feel like my life was so heavily lopsided by work.

It's been about a year since I've implemented this and overall, I accomplish as much if not more than I did rushing and feeling stressed. But I don't feel nearly as much anxiety, worry or tension.

Now the next phase is relaxing even more into the flow.

What I mean exactly is that I tend by nature to be impatient. I want everything done yesterday. Because of this, I can push, push, push instead of allowing something to unfold.

As part of my year exploring trust, I’ve come to understand that relaxing into life is really an exercise in trust. If I trust that my outcome is assured, or that only good will come to me then I can relax and not worry. I don't have to constantly shore up, fixate or feel the need to do, do, do. I can relax into knowing.

Last week I read a line in A Course in Miracles that says, "who would attempt to fly with the tiny wings of a sparrow when the mighty power of an eagle has been given him?"

And to me, that's relaxing into trust.

Why should I constantly try to flap with these mini wings, pushing with all my might when the Universe (or God or whatever word you like) can do it for me? 

This feels so much better. It doesn't mean I lie on the couch ALL day, reading and watching movies. But it does mean that I smile more, am clear about how to cherish everyday and enjoy the ride that is this amazing journey of life, knowing that it’s all happening in the perfect time.

How do you experience your life?

Do you make time to relax?

Tell me what works for you by leaving a comment below.

Liked what you read?

Join our community, it’s FREE!

Don’t Let Time Pass You By

As most of you know, I’m teaching a happiness workshop this fall. In fact, it started last night and we will be meeting together, exploring what happiness means to us for the next 8 weeks. I am thrilled to be on this adventure!

For the past couple of months leading up to last night I spent a lot of time reading and researching to see what the “experts” can tell us about happiness. One of the books I came upon is called, The Happiness Project written by Gretchen Rubin. In it she describes how she spent a year doing a research project in her life, planning various activities and behavior shifts each month to increase her level of happiness.

One of the truisms she discovered during this year of exploration is “the days are long but the years are short.”

I really resonated with that.

Sometimes a day can feel interminable, never ending especially when I’m stuck doing things I don’t particularly love like housework. But when I look back to even this past year, now that it’s September, I think, “holy smokes, where has the year gone?”

After reading that line, I’ve decided to really make an even greater effort to enjoy my days, relish them, fill them (as much as I can) with all the things that make life worth living.

Things like:

• Appreciating the sunny day

• Noticing the flowers blooming next to my car

• Bending down and taking a few moments to pet my dog

• Relishing time spent with loved ones

• Carving out an hour to be creative – in whatever way that is- dancing, collage, beading, cooking

• Calling an old friend

Because  I don’t want my year to end only to feel like I haven’t fully lived it with passion, determination, fun and caring.

The days are long but the years are short.

So even if the day seems long, what can you do to bring some sunshine into it?

Can you take a 5 minute break and listen to an uplifting song? Can you smile at a stranger for no reason? How about waving at the mail carrier or picking up a chocolate or some flowers for your honey?

Let me know if you have a good idea to brighten up your day.

Leave a comment below.

And join our growing community, sign up today.

Who Just Said That?

Lately I've been hearing people talking about their anxiety. One man I know can't stop thinking about his health. He recently had a check up and was told he has high blood pressure.

Now he's obsessively thinking about the blood pumping through his body. His thoughts make him fearful and anxious, that he's going to have a heart attack or stroke at any moment.

Then a pregnant woman mentioned almost the same thing. Even though this isn't her first child, she's finding herself fixated on the future pain and all of the awful complications that could happen despite the fact that she's already had near perfect birthing experiences.

So what is this?

I like to think about it as our brains highjacking us. When this happens to me, I have to remind myself of a few things.

#1. Like Mike Dooley says, "Thoughts are Things, Choose the Good Ones."

If my thought is causing me worry, fear, anxiety or discomfort then I change it! When I first realized that I had control over this, it was amazingly powerful.

Here's an example of how it manifests in my life. Lately it's been focused on my sinuses. When I'm in negative thinking it sounds like: "My sinuses are never going to clear up. My allergies make my nose run and my eyes itchy. I'm so uncomfortable."

Then I can remember that these are just thoughts and thoughts can be changed. So, I can catch myself and shift it to "I am healthy. My sinuses are healthy and happy." Immediately I begin to feel better.

We forget that we are not our thoughts, not our brains. I like to think of the brain a little bit like a computer. It's a tool that we can control. Most of us don't realize this so we allow IT to control us. BUT we have the choice to think thoughts that we want and eliminate ones we don't.

#2 What We Focus On Expands

This is the power our thoughts have. You know it's true. The more I think "I have no money," the poorer I feel and the less money I actually do have. Instead, when I feel gratitude for what I have in my life, it helps me feel abundant and I attract more money to me.

Think the thoughts you want in your life. Thoughts of success and happiness. Thoughts of safety and perfect health. Mine your thoughts, become aware of what you say to yourself and choose kindness, love and compassion. For then you will have more of these in your life.

#3 We Aren't Our Thoughts

I'm stuck in my negative thought, "Why can't my sinuses heal?" and over and over the tape repeats until finally someone else in my head hears it. Who is that? The other voice who says, "Enough! Change that thought!"

Some people call this Self the eternal observer, the watcher, the aspect of us that is aligned with God. Ever present without beginning and without end, eternal. Some say this is the voice of God or the Universe or whatever label works for you.

When we can silent that small voice (the computer) we open ourselves up to hear from Divine source. This is true guidance, it's pure love and is our essential nature.

The way to hear this voice isn't by making the other voice wrong or bad, it's by going within, getting quiet and recognizing that we aren't that voice (the computer). We are so much more. We can ask for help, to be guided, to be able to hear this voice speak to us. It will for it is always there, waiting.

So the next time you catch yourself stuck in a rut of negative thinking, use these 3 reminders to get you unstuck, back on track and listening to the right voice.

How can this work for you?

Share one of your negative thoughts and how you changed it below in the comments.

And join our community! We'd love you to be a part of it. Simply fill in the boxes - it's FREE