Embrace These Days of Awe

We are in the midst of the Days of Awe as they are known to all of our Jewish brothers and sisters. This 10-day period commences with Rosh Hashanah and ends on Yom Kippur.

This is the Jewish New Year and as such is a deep time of reflection, a turning within, as we shed the old year and turn to look at the new.

One of the main themes of the Days of Awe is the idea of atonement.

Apart from the name of a well-known book and film, what does this actually mean?

In the Jewish tradition, atonement is an act of reconciliation, the desire to make amends or reparations for a wrong-doing. This is a time to forgive and ask for forgiveness.

Jews believe that God has a book in which s/he is writing down all your good and bad deeds. This is done during the Days of Awe, so if you are willing to seek forgiveness, God may look favorably upon you.

In Christianity, we also see this word, atonement.

It largely refers to the idea of reconciliation with God. In the Christian concept, man has sinned (think Adam and Eve) and it was Jesus who sacrificed (and was resurrected) that atoned for the sins of the world. This act cleaned the slate and made everything right again with God.

But it is the definition found in A Course in Miracles that I most resonate with.

Here, atonement means to undo erroneous thinking.

This is because we have forgotten who we really are. We falsely believe that we are separate – a body and an ego - and not spirit. We think that we are distinct and apart from God. But the truth is that we are all spirit. Our true relationship is – that we are not separate from God. In other words, at-one-ment.

“You are the work of God, and His work is wholly loveable and wholly loving. This is how a man must think of himself in his heart, because this is what he is.” (ACIM, p.9)

Embrace this idea and see yourself as inherently loveable AND loving.

Atonement is the act of forgiving - both oneself and others. As it says in A Course in Miracles, “the forgiven are the means of atonement.” We forgive ourselves because we have forgotten who we truly are and we forgive all of our brothers and sisters for the same reason.

Have fun with this! Embrace these Days of Awe. Seek to forgive and start your new year fresh and free. And always remember your true nature, divine, perfect and at-one with God.

Let me know how it goes! Feel free to leave a comment below.

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Set Yourself Free: 2 Great Tools To Forgive

There are a lot of misconceptions about forgiveness.

People often think if they forgive, then it excuses behavior or absolves someone. But that isn’t true. Forgiveness is not the same as forgetting

When I hold on to resentment, anger or a grievance, who suffers? I do. I feel it. Maybe the person with whom I have a conflict isn’t even aware of how I feel. Perhaps they don’t even know they’ve slighted me.

Forgiveness is an act of generosity. It is the willingness to let go of a wrong, release a past hurt or an unmet expectation.

Holding on to a grievance keeps us stuck in the past and feeling like a victim. Instead, if we come from a place of love, forgiveness can set us free, allow us to live in the present and open up to joy.

When we're on a spiritual path, we choose to lead from the heart and not the head.

We want to be loving, kind, generous and magnanimous. If we hold anger, resentment or unresolved feelings, it prevents us from accessing that place of compassion and empathy.

On a soul level, we forgive because we know that duality doesn’t really exist. There is ultimately no separation between you and me.

We are all one. So as I forgive, I heal myself.

When you decide to come from a place of love, the next question is how.

Forgiveness.

If you’re ready, even willing to undertake this process, here are 2 great tools:

1.  Ho’oponopono

This is a traditional Hawaiian process that has been translated as “to make right” and is often used in conflict resolution. The idea it is that we are making right with our life, our relatives – both past and present- and cleaning the karmic slate.

This technique is simple to do and requires that you walk through 4 basic steps.

• “I’m Sorry” – You can think about a person, situation or issue and seek repentance
• “Please Forgive Me” – The next step is to actively ask for forgiveness
• “Thank You” – In the third step, we recognize our gratitude for the situation and the learning opportunity
•  “I Love You” – Lastly, we remember to return to love, to come back to the source of all and access that place

2.     The Four Most Important Things

In 1994, Ira Byock, a hospice doctor, wrote a book about living that encourages forgiveness. Having been a hospice social worker myself, I immediately saw the importance, power and relevance of doing this work.

As Dr. Byock suggests, don’t wait until your loved one is at death’s door to say what you need to, do it now.

His list looks like this:

• Please Forgive Me
• I Forgive You
•  I Love You
•  Thank You

When I learned about his book, I was working at hospice and a few months later, my sister, who had metastasized breast cancer, was told by her oncologist that her liver was shutting down. I was now no different than the caregivers I’d been counseling and knew that I wanted to do forgiveness work with her.

In early June, I flew up to Washington DC determined to say these four statements.

I love you was easy. I did genuinely love my sister. We’d had our ups and downs as most siblings do, and despite her eccentricities, I really loved her.

Thank you was also effortless. I had tremendous gratitude for her, especially throughout our early years when we'd frequently moved- different schools, new friends. Throughout it all, Melissa was my constant companion. 

Third, I asked her to forgive me. I hadn’t always been the kindest or most loving big sister. I’d lied to her, excluded her from playing with my friends, even bit her on the back once. I wanted her to know that I was sincerely apologetic for being mean.

But the last one – telling her that I forgave her- I could not say out loud.

I did, of course forgive her, because she'd also been a challenging sister, but the words wouldn’t come out. Each time I imagined saying “I forgive you,” they got caught in my throat as I heard her ask, “for what?”

A week later, I flew home, and back to school and work.

Walking into the hospice office, I went directly to my supervisor. “I’m trying to do the forgiveness work with my sister, Melissa. I asked for forgiveness, told her thank you and I love you but I couldn’t tell her, 'I forgive you'.”

My supervisor patted my hand. “You’ll know what to say.” She looked away and then back at me.

“Maybe you need to forgive her for being sick.”

I stared at her, stunned. I hadn’t even thought about forgiving Melissa for that. I wasn’t angry and didn’t blame her.

The next visit-which turned out to be the last- I was ready. I lay down next to her and said, “I just want you to know that I forgive you for getting sick.” The look of anguish in her eyes told me that my supervisor had been absolutely right.

Melissa had so much guilt about leaving me alone to deal with my parents’ old age and dying. Now she could go in peace.

Words have power.

Use these tools to help you resolve any ill will or past grievance you have with anyone. Set yourself free and live from a place of love and lasting happiness. Forgiveness is the key to true spiritual evolution. Unlock the door now.

Are you ready? Leave me a comment below!

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Where Is Your Soul Sister?

Have you ever had the experience of meeting someone and, after a brief period of time, it’s as if you’ve always known them?

Or perhaps you have a good friend you haven’t seen in years (or decades) and as soon as you’re together, it’s like no time has passed?

Don’t you love when that happens?

I have a soul sister like that and I’ll call her Natalie.

Last year I stayed in a town just a few hours from where she lives. I hadn’t talked to her in awhile but we’d stayed in touch on Facebook. I messaged her letting her know I was nearby.

Natalie immediately called and said she was on her way to this very same town as her daughter was participating in a state event!

Meant to be?

I was a little nervous to see her again. Even though we’d reconnected via social media and the phone in the last few years, I hadn’t seen her or physically been with her in almost 20 years.

The last time we were together, we’d had a falling out.

Maybe it was disappointment at some of my life choices or that I’d backed out of a plan we’d made together. Either way, I felt stifled and judged and in need of some space and time. I’d relocated, moving a thousand miles away, so it became easy to stop communicating with her.

And, as often happens in life, I got busy and left her behind to drift out of my life.

We’d patched things up since then, talking over the phone about what had transpired, but I was still anxious to see her in person.

When I arrived at the park that Saturday to meet her and her family, my body thrummed with excitement and tension. I walked around the crowded fields glancing at the people camped out everywhere and then I spotted her.

She looked exactly the same.

Natalie stood to greet me and it was as if time stood still. I walked up to her and we embraced – tears sprang to my eyes. Holding her was like being home. It was so familiar and nothing had changed.

Well, that isn’t true.

So much had changed.

We both had partners, and children, and more wrinkles. We’d both been working on ourselves too. But instead of growing apart as is so often the case, she was right where I was.

The tension that had existed after that rough phase was long gone.

Once again we were in alignment just like it had been years earlier, when we’d lived together in our early 20s, trying to understand ourselves and our lives and this crazy world we live in. Now we were more mature, had learned a bit and were simply in another phase of existence.

I marveled at how comfortable it was to be with her and I cursed myself for waiting so long to reconnect. I could have had this person in my life all these years and I hadn’t because of distance and pettiness and misunderstanding.

In general, I strive to live without regret.

One of the top regrets of terminally ill and dying patients, is not having spent more time with the people they love, both family and friends. I knew this and yet somehow had allowed it to happen with Natalie, until now.

Instead of punishing or berating myself, I simply accepted what was – that she was back in my life now.

I accepted my past choice of pushing her away and felt grateful that we could resume a close friendship going forward because that was all that mattered.

It’s been a year since I saw her and I look forward to being with her again soon. To hang out and laugh, walk along the seashore or help her weed her garden. I don’t actually care what we do together, just being with her eases my heart as only a soul sister can.

Connections like these are little miracles in our lives.

But they need to be nurtured and cherished. It’s so easy to fall away from people we love because we feel hurt or wronged by a decision they make or a partner they choose. Through my actions (or inaction), I lost 20 years of a close friendship. Thankfully it wasn’t too late.

When we can look beyond our judgment and reconnect the thread that binds us, we know that these soul sisters and brothers are always a part of us and our journey.

Think back to the people who are special to you in your life.

Is there anyone you yearn to find or connect with again?

Someone you loved that fell away due to a misunderstanding or argument?

Thanks to the Internet and social media, it’s even easier than ever to find a loved one. Just remember that reconnecting may involve some forgiveness work or at least being open to another’s point of view. But it’s worth it.

Rekindle those heart relationships.

Seek them out and you’ll be amazed at how full and rich your life can feel.

Tell me your story - leave a comment below.

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Yes My Family Can Drive Me Crazy

Ram Dass says, “if you think you’re enlightened go live with your family for a week.” Most days I’m thankful for the lessons I’ve learned from my loved ones. But some days, I’d rather be left alone.

Recently I had an opportunity to examine my own judgment from a situation that occurred. In my opinion, one of my family members, let’s call him Dave, had intentionally hurt another human being. I was deeply bothered by this.

The act seemed selfish and irrational and I was having a really hard time getting beyond it.

The phrase that kept repeating in my mind was, “ you can’t just kick people to the curb.”

I actually got angry about it and purposefully distanced myself, choosing not to be around Dave. Then unexpectedly, he pulled into my driveway embodying everything that I felt like I didn’t stand for, selfishness, inauthenticity, and selling out. I struggled to plaster a smile on my face and couldn’t wait for him to leave.

5 minutes later I walked into my house ranting. “How could he… this is why I am the way I am…”

The knowing voice inside kept reminding me that I had to let it go.

This was his choice. It was his life. I had to forgive Dave but it was hard! I was clinging intensely to my own self-righteousness.

The next morning in my meditation, I received a teaching to release judgment for the day. I decided to embrace this lesson and have a judge free day.

There would be no “I like.”

No “What is he thinking?”

No “that was a silly choice…”

And I did!

It was wonderful. I felt free and light, clear and present. Later in the afternoon, I thought about Dave and suddenly realized I wasn’t angry anymore. It had floated away during my judge free day because after all, that’s what it was, my judgment of his behavior, my righteousness and desire to make his actions wrong.

Then something amazing happened.

Dave approached me having realized he was not proud of his behavior. We had an amazing heart to heart talk. I was able to say through love what I had observed and how it made me feel. And Dave could hear me because I wasn’t judging him, making him wrong or angry.

Because I forgave him, healing took place.

This never would have happened if I hadn’t released my own anger, judgment and righteousness. I felt so much gratitude for the entire event. Because what I was reminded of is that we never know the big picture, God’s plan. Maybe Dave needed that experience to finally stop a life long pattern. Maybe the (in my opinion) wronged person needed to learn something too. I’ll never know. I’m just grateful that I was able to show up open heartedly when the moment arose and love my family member completely.

Have you ever felt frustrated by a member of your family? What happened?

Leave me a comment below!

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A Prisoner to Anger?

Recently I found myself irritated and annoyed by someone in my life. I was struggling with acceptance and found myself aggravated and put out. My mind was on a circular track, like a broken record stuck in a groove, repeating over and over again, allowing me to wallow in my negativity. 

Later that day, I went to a discussion group. We read and talked about passages reminding me that I am not my mind. I am not even my thoughts! The conversation gave me objectivity and helped me break out of my negative pattern. I began to let it go. As I sat there contemplating my own process, I started to see how my anger and frustration were holding me prisoner in my mind. It had control over me because all I could think about and fixate on was feeling wronged. Then I thought, "do I really want to give this person that power over me?" Wow. Of course the answer was a resounding, "NO!"

Toward the end of the discussion, another member shared that he also was trapped in resentment. Those weren't his words, exactly. What he said was that he wasn't able to get passed a person who'd wronged him. It sounded like it had happened a long time ago. 

Of course the first words that came to my mind were, "you have to forgive him, the person who wronged you." But the gentleman wasn't hearing this. I looked at him and could see that his anger had distorted his facial features. Listening, it became clear that he'd allowed the bitterness to even define him. Who was he if he wasn't betrayed?

This man was mirroring my own inner conflict. I saw in front of me how the anger we hold onto, really holds us. Just as I'd been locked in a prison cell all day with my obsessive thoughts, I could see this man was too. For him though, it had been years. 

There is a quotation often attributed to the Buddha or Pema Chodrun but the origin is actually from Alcoholics Anonymous, "Anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die."

What I felt inside myself on Monday and what I saw with this gentleman, was that quotation playing out exactly. We are the ones who feel the anger so ultimately it is punishing us. When we forgive, we set ouselves free. It's the irony of forgiveness. Our egos resist it so much, "we've been wronged! She's hurt us!" But the reality is that we are the ones who go on hurting ourselves over and over again by holding onto that pain. So I am resentful. How does she know? She has no idea. She doesn't feel my anger, only I do.

When we forgive, it doesn't mean that we forget or even deny that another person hurt us. It doesn't remove their responsibility, minimize or justify their actions. We can release the emotions without excusing the wrong. Forgiveness allows for an internal peace, helping us go on with life.

Sometimes when we've been holding anger for so long it can be hard to forgive. Louise Hay recommends that even if we're not ready to forgive we can be "willing to forgive." The Universe will support even our willingness and help us get there. Along with the mental health benefits of releasing resentment are the physical health benefits. As the Mayo Clinic reports, forgiveness allows for less anxiety and stress, lower blood pressure and reduced risk or alcohol or substance abuse.

So don't think about forgiveness as something we do for another person, think about it as a gift we give to ourselves. Be willing to walk over that proverbial bridge to the other side, the side of healing, love and empowerment. As Louise Hay says, "I forgive and I set MYSELF free."