How Porous Are Your Boundaries?

Boundaries often get a bad rap, as if they’re not a good thing, as if they prevent us from genuine connection.

Is that really true?

First off, let’s define what we’re really talking about.

A boundary can be physical like a fence or a wall, even your skin is a natural physical boundary.

Boundaries can also be set by social or cultural standards. For example, in Japan, people greet one another with a bow, rather than in the United States where we often shake hands or hug.

Boundaries – in terms of dictating behavior- also differ in public versus private spaces, and vary depending on the types of relationship you have with someone.

I might sidle up close to my child or spouse, rub their back in a way I would never touch a colleague or stranger.

Much of this we pick up from our culture and family, although there are nuances to that, right? We all know friends and family who may not enjoy being physically touched.

Boundaries imply limit – physical and emotional.

The physical ones are often more obvious and straight forward, while the relationship or interpersonal ones can sometimes me murkier.

And when it comes to these, sometimes things can get unclear.

Why?

There are many reasons.

One is that we might not know what we want.

In order to have more clarity, we need to be willing to do a self-inventory. That way we can be more aware of what feels supportive to us personally, both physically and emotionally.

It also requires the ability to communicate our needs to others in clear and loving ways.

This can sometimes feel difficult.

After all, if you’re a sensitive person, you don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings or make them feel bad.

The goal therefore, is to state your needs as clearly as possible. Not by saying what you don’t want, but by saying what you do want and by being okay at holding any hurt feelings that might arise.

Why is this important?

When we don’t advocate for ourselves, we can feel taken advantage of, resentful, misunderstood, or at a more extreme level, violated.

Anyone who cares for you would never want you to feel these ways!

But they don’t know if you don’t tell them!

Another aspect of boundaries in interpersonal relationships is around how we live with each other. What are the “rules.”

You can think about it like a set of regulations that you often see when you check into a hotel. What you can and cannot do.

The same could be said about how we live in relationship with one another.

If it’s really important to me that the bed is made every morning, for example, then I need to communicate that to my partner.

Another aspect of this is with children, creating a schedule or structure for how your day with your child goes.

Establishing clear ways of being allows everyone to feel safe.

In truth, the idea of boundaries as limitations is actually one of life’s funny ironies.

We all want freedom and the ability to do whatever we want when we want, and we can assume that boundaries will prevent that from happening. But it’s in having structure around behavior, having clarity of where the end points are, that provides parameters and support which ultimately enables us to do everything we want and feel safe.

Want to do a deeper dive into emotional boundary setting? Here’s a great blog:

https://positivepsychology.com/great-self-care-setting-healthy-boundaries/

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Image by Jeremy Bishop on Unsplash

The Key to a Great Relationship – Don’t Go To Bed Angry

The first time I got married, I was pretty young, naïve and foolish. I didn’t genuinely understand what it meant to share a life with another person (although I was convinced I did.)

I was, however, absolutely certain of one thing.

I wanted to do my marriage differently than my parents had. I’d witnessed the hostility, anger, frustration, hurt and dysfunction first hand. I definitely did not want that. But let’s face it, my mom, dad and stepdad were my role models so naturally, I ended up re-enacting what I’d experienced even when it was the last thing I’d wanted.

Meanwhile, my heart craved something else entirely.

Something other than what I was creating. My heart longed for intimacy, love, connection, to be understood. All these desires sounded romantic and simple… but somehow, they eluded me.

What I had and what I wanted were miles apart only I pretended that wasn’t the case and acted as if everything was perfect.

Until it all came apart.

Looking back I see that the main challenge, the thing that successfully unraveled my relationship, wasn’t any one singular event. In fact it was the opposite. It was the small, ever day, ordinary moments that poked the holes.

What am I talking about?

Here’s a scenario:

It’s a Friday night and we’re watching a movie, one of those heart wrenching, soul mate tearjerkers. Of course, I start crying. My husband rolls his eyes and snorts, implying that I’m pathetic.

I instantly feel hurt and naturally reject him back, turning away from him in bed, holding my wounded-ness like a cloak around me.

I could have told him how I felt.

Instead, I justified my silence with thoughts like: he doesn’t understand or care. Rationalizations that were probably untrue but re-enforced my pain and hurt.

When they occur, these moments seem trite and inconsequential but added up over time, they erode emotional trust. One day, a decade later, I looked up and realized I was standing on the opposite bank of an emotional gulf from my partner.

How did that happen?

It was all the little hurts – me nagging about the laundry, him disappointing me by working on Saturdays, me criticizing him for paying a monthly gym membership he’d never use, him not getting me a card for my birthday… and on and on and on.

We didn’t talk about these small upsets and instead went to bed hurt and angry.

Needless to say, our relationship gradually splintered apart and I decided that I was done. Done with power and control masquerading as love. No more partners. Now I’d take care of myself and my girls. I wasn’t ready for another relationship and I certainly didn’t want one that wasn’t really about love.

It was time for me to learn how to be loving.

That started with me learning how to love myself. I also had to understand how to make room for other people and that meant surrendering my need for control. Most importantly, I had to give up criticism.

It took time and frankly, I was skeptical that real love even existed.

Then I got surprised. Love came to me, as it usually does, when I least expected it.

This time my partner and I agreed to do things differently.

Consequently, he and I talk about everything. We're open about our feelings and even about how we want to be with each other. This led us to creating agreements that govern our relationship. One of these is to not go to bed angry.

I’ll admit, sometimes this is really hard to do.

Especially when I feel hurt or wronged. In those moments it’s hard to be emotionally vulnerable. It’s much easier to fall into blame or feel like a victim. But I value what we have together and I remember how going to bed angry whittled away my previous relationship.

I know it’s worth speaking up because then those little things won’t accumulate. They won’t slowly push me away emotionally so I stop opening up and sharing.

Instead, when I do finally speak my words of upset, those words of truth, the opposite occurs.

I feel even more seen, heard and loved. I am honored and taken care of because I choose to share my vulnerability instead of holding in the hurt.

It’s been eleven years and I can honestly say that my current husband and I are even closer today than we were all those years ago. A big reason why is because we consistently try to honor this agreement and not go to bed angry.

So the next time you feel hurt, disappointed or upset with your partner, try talking about it.

Tell him or her how you feel. See if your partner can understand your point of view and perhaps offer some insight into theirs. It may bring you to a new level of intimacy with one another and deepen the bond you have.

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3 Reasons Why Lying Doesn’t Work in Relationships

I read an article over the weekend in which the author encouraged us to lie, especially to our loved ones. I had to re-read his words because I could not believe it. His premise was that in order to keep the peace, we lie to one another and not reveal our true thoughts.

One of his arguments was that we can’t always say exactly what we’re thinking.

At times we have to be mindful and discerning about how we speak to people.

This isn’t lying – it’s phrasing things so that another can more easily hear it. After all, none of us enjoy being criticized or put down. And those forms of communication are totally ineffective anyway. So instead of saying to my friend, “you don’t do anything anyway so why not.” I might re-phrase it to “you have the time since you don’t have a lot of commitments.”

Even after finishing the article I was far from convinced of the merits of lying. In fact, I think the opposite is true. In all relationships, and especially love ones, we need honesty.

Am I alone in thinking this?

Here’s why honesty matters

1.     Trust

How do you have a relationship without trust? I need to trust that my lawyer or accountant is ethical, does things legally and has my best interests in mind. Likewise, I need to trust that my employees are truthful with me, don’t steal or reveal trade secrets.

As we need trust in our business relationships, we need it even more in our intimate ones.

I want to know that what you promise to do, what you say, you genuinely mean. Then I can count on you, physically and emotionally. I used to have a relationship in which I could not rely on my partner. He was never there for me. He would always say yes or be indecisive but then when the day rolled around, would be unavailable. Guess what happened?

2.     When You’re Trustworthy, I Open Up More

We all crave intimacy. We all want to be known and understood. This only happens when we feel emotionally safe with another person. I allow myself to be vulnerable because I know my husband will support me. If I share a deep fear or angst with him, he doesn’t belittle me or make me wrong. Instead he listens deeply, and encourages me. This kind of sharing can only happen when we’re truthful. If instead of listening to me, my husband cracked a joke or placated me with a platitude, I would cease opening up to him. And eventually we would grow farther and farther apart.

3.     A Genuine Sounding Board Not A Yes Man

Think about it. Do you have respect for people who always tell you what you want to hear? It may feel nice at first but isn’t it so much more refreshing when someone is honest? When they question your judgment or actions?  We all need people in our lives who can be the voice of encouragement or concern – who take on either role. It gives us clarity and truthful feedback. This only comes with honesty, trust and rapport.

What works for you in your relationships? Do you find that you tell little lies often for fear of hurting someone’s feelings or because you don’t know how to be truthful? Or do you feel that your relationships are built on trust and honesty?

Tell me what works for you. I’m all ears.

Leave me a comment below.

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