life coaching

The Power of Visualization

The Power of Visualization

My 15 year-old daughter is taking a standardized test in English and as I think about preparing her for it, I’m reminded of an exam I took not so long ago. It was for Psychopathology, a required class for my graduate program in Social Work. We were essentially required to memorize the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM), read scenarios and apply diagnoses. 

All of us students were struggling. 

On the last day of class, we showed up on Saturday morning for our final. Before our professor passed out the exams she said, “I want you to close your eyes.”

 Being the dutiful student I am, I complied.

 She then went on. “Imagine yourself in a library. See the rows of books and all the information. This is what is within your brain. It has all the knowledge and answers. Allow yourself to access this, remembering it is here for you as you read each question and answer it.

As I listened to her words, I saw myself in the library. I observed how my mind was made up of all this information, of the countless hours I’d spent studying notecards, discerning the differences between types of schizophrenia and personality disorders, between major depression and dysthymia, and on and on.

I took a deep breath acknowledging that all the answers would revel themselves to me. Then I opened my eyes and took the test.

 

3 Reasons Why Lying Doesn’t Work in Relationships

3 Reasons Why Lying Doesn’t Work in Relationships

I read an article over the weekend in which the author encouraged us to lie, especially to our loved ones. I had to re-read his words because I could not believe it. His premise was that in order to keep the peace, we lie to one another and not reveal our true thoughts.

One of his arguments was that we can’t always say exactly what we’re thinking.

At times we have to be mindful and discerning about how we speak to people. 

This isn’t lying – it’s phrasing things so that another can more easily hear it. After all, none of us enjoy being criticized or put down. And those forms of communication are totally ineffective anyway. So instead of saying to my friend, “you don’t do anything anyway so why not.” I might re-phrase it to “you have the time since you don’t have a lot of commitments.”

Even after finishing the article I was far from convinced of the merits of lying. In fact, I think the opposite is true. In all relationships, and especially love ones, we need honesty.

Am I alone in thinking this?

What’s Motivating You?

What’s Motivating You?

How do I get motivated?

Motivation or why we do things is super interesting to me.

I’ve spent a lot of time and energy researching it because I’ve wanted to inspire and motivate – in the classroom, with my clients and with myself.

Recently I was watching Tony Robbins do a Ted Talk. In it, he identified 6 key factors that motivate human behavior. 

They are: certainty, uncertainty (or variety), significance, love/connection, growth and contribution.

His 6 characteristics allow us to dig a little deeper into motivation and get into the why behind it.

Time to Manifest! Make A 2015 Vision Board

Time to Manifest! Make A 2015 Vision Board

For the past several years, our family has had a New Year’s tradition. We decided to make our own, because- here's my confession- I always hated New Year’s Eve. From the time I was a teenager, my sister and I would look at each other mystified. All everyone seemed to do was get drunk and then watch a stupid ball drop. What was the big deal?

So a few years ago, we modified our evening to make it work for us. As a family, we enjoy a celebratory meal, something special, because it is a holiday after all. We even have a bottle of champagne or Prosecco along with sparkling apple cider, (known in our house as kids champagne.) After our leisurely meal, we all gather in the living room and get to work making… vision boards.

What’s Your One Word for 2015?

What’s Your One Word for 2015?

Last year, right after 2014 had just begun, I was listening to Dr. Robert Holden on Hay House radio. He shared an idea he’d been doing for awhile of choosing one word for his new year. Then he would meditate on it, delve into it, and explore it for the next 365 days.

Inspired, I decided to do the same, choose one word for the year.

My word for 2014 has been trust.

Over the past twelve months, I’ve allowed myself to simply be with this word and see what happens. At one point, around March, I had a serious crisis with trust. I became super afraid of the future, and about what might happen. That experience invited me to go deeper with trust and prompted me to create a visual representation to both remind and inspire me to open up more to trust.

3 Strategies for Negotiating Divorce, Children & the Holidays with Compassion

3 Strategies for Negotiating Divorce, Children & the Holidays with Compassion

The holidays, for all that we look forward to them, can also bring out stress, tension and emotional tests. And when we add divorce into the mix, things can get even more challenging.

My parents split up when I was a young girl and although I looked forward to presents and special holiday treats, underneath that excitement was always a layer of sadness. Because I knew that one of my parents would be spending the holidays alone.

That knowledge made my heart hurt.

These days I observe my own children navigating a similar landscape. I watch as they jockey between houses and allegiances. It seems even more complicated than when I was little. Do my girls spend time with my created family, their stepsister and our extended relatives or go to their Dad’s and be with their half brothers and stepmom?

I Used to Binge, Now I Don’t. Here’s What I Learned.

I Used to Binge, Now I Don’t. Here’s What I Learned.

From my earliest memories food was always there. I see my nana serving meatballs, me polishing off an entire plate of food and getting fifty cents, walking to the new Haagen-Dazs for a vanilla cone. Food was there when people weren’t. Food was there when we had to move again. Food was there and eventually it began to keep love out.

I used to be the kind of person who lived to eat.

Feeling Afraid? Try Acknowledging It

Feeling Afraid? Try Acknowledging It

When I was in my early 20s, I was offered a job in sales and design for a manufacturer in Hong Kong. My office was in a factory located in an industrialized and severely polluted part of the territories. After arriving and settling in, I quickly realized that it wasn’t the job for me. They hardly had anything for me to do and had hired me primarily as a favor to my mother. Every day I sat at my desk in a windowless room pretending to work. It was pretty awful.

Finding Peace Amidst Crazy

Finding Peace Amidst Crazy

It’s really easy to get sucked into busy. I watch people race around corners, speed talk into their phones, order lunch while texting. And I confess, I’ve been addicted to busy too.

Not long ago I was a single mom of two, and then started a business. If that wasn’t enough, a few years after that I went back to school and then… Yes, the list continues but not for long because soon I’d blown my adrenals; too much stress.

Guess what that felt like? Like having a constant panic attack. Instead of feeling no energy, I felt even more anxious, stressed out and crazed. Fortunately, I had a health practitioner who diagnosed it and I didn’t end up on anti-anxiety medication, just adrenal supplements. Almost immediately I felt calmer.

A Life Lesson from my 14-Year Old

A Life Lesson from my 14-Year Old

Last week my 14-year old was being just that, a 14-year old. When I’d ask a question, I’d get a grunt or if I was lucky a one word answerI knew in my heart that it wasn’t about me but as the days wore on and the behavior stayed the same I watched my tolerance expire.

Finally, I just couldn’t take it anymore.

Who Are You?

Who Are You?

In the last 40+ years I’ve asked myself this question, "Who Am I?" countless times. Sometimes when I hear it I see the caterpillar from Alice in Wonderland, smoking his hookah and looking sagely down at Alice. He pointedly and stiltedly inquires, “whoooo are youuuuu?”

Sometimes I hear Roger Daltrey’s voice belting it out “tell me who, who, who are you...”

When you’re asked, "who are you?" what’s the answer?

A Real Ghostwriter

A Real Ghostwriter

As many of you know, I’ve been working on a memoir about my life and my sister, Melissa’s life for a while now. In fact, I’m coming up on the 1-year anniversary of my computer crash and losing a huge chunk of that manuscript. An error which cost me a few months of time spent re-writing what I’d been too remiss to save. I was determined last fall though to complete an initial manuscript and move on to the next phase, whatever that was.

You Said NOTHING?

You Said NOTHING?

Sometimes life can feel like an endless To Do List. This weekend, while I contemplated relaxing, got eaten up instead with household chores, entertaining and childcare.

Suddenly it's Monday again! The have-tos start as soon as the alarm goes off and the week can easily be absorbed with task fulfillment and checked boxes.

When this happens, my life begins to feel like a treadmill.

I walk, run, sprint but am on this endless go round. That’s when a little thought enters my mind and suggests it might be time to stop and do... nothing.

Happiness Is...

Happiness Is...

After spending the first 8 months of 2011 grieving and trying to get my life back together after losing both my sister and father in 3 months, I realized it was time for me to focus on me. Having been a pleaser and caretaker most of my life, this task felt daunting and I didn’t even know where to begin.

But as most things go, the Universe helped me out. A friend lent me a book about happiness by Dr. Robert Holden and immediately I knew I wanted to learn not only more about his ideas BUT also how to facilitate this work. Next thing, I was signing up to attend his happiness coaching certification in New York. I was ready finally to learn precisely how to be happy.

Turns out that there are different kinds of happiness (who knew?)

Don’t Let Time Pass You By

Don’t Let Time Pass You By

As most of you know, I’m teaching a happiness workshop this fall. In fact, it started last night and we'll be meeting together, exploring what happiness means to us for the next 8 weeksI am thrilled to be on this adventure!

For the past couple of months leading up to last night I spent a lot of time reading and researching to see what the “experts” can tell us about happiness. One of the books I came upon is called, The Happiness Project written by Gretchen Rubin. In it she describes how she spent a year doing a research project in her life, planning various activities and behavior shifts each month to increase her level of happiness.