The Key to Having a Lasting Romantic Relationship
February is the month for lovers, for love, for reminding us of what our hearts yearn for.
Are you like me? Have you always been a romantic, from the time you were little?
I completely bought into the fantasy. You know it, right? Get rescued from your unhappy situation when you meet the love of your dreams, and live happily ever after.
As part this, I was HOOKED on the idea of falling in love even though I had NO idea of what love actually was.
I harbored this romantic dream for years.
February is the month for lovers, for love, for reminding us of what our hearts yearn for.
Are you like me? Have you always been a romantic, from the time you were little?
I completely bought into the fantasy. You know it, right? Get rescued from your unhappy situation when you meet the love of your dreams, and live happily ever after.
As part this, I was HOOKED on the idea of falling in love even though I had NO idea of what love actually was.
I harbored this romantic dream for years.
Unfortunately, it wasn’t until I was ready to release this myth that I could actually experience true love.
I had to face my own unhappiness and learn to love myself. And surrender the idea of romance and relationship to God.
That’s when I learned the secret I wish I’d known when I was 13: Be Friends First.
I know it sounds simple and I suppose it is, but simple can be true, and simple can be real, and simple can lead you everywhere you want to go.
What do I mean when I say be friends first? Well…
Hot and heavy is short lived.
When we get honest with ourselves, we know it’s true. Sex is great but that intense physical attraction isn’t sustainable in the long run.
Shared interests is. Having fun together is. Enjoying one another’s company is.
Not long ago I was talking to a friend who’s always looking for love and is chronically disappointed.
This was my advice to him. Be friends first.
Because even if your sex life is INCREDIBLE, it isn’t happening 24 hours a day (be honest).
BUT you are in an emotional relationship with someone 24 hours a day. And it makes a huge difference when that person is your confidante, best friend, most fun playmate and lover.
Don’t believe me? Look around.
Who do you know that’s in a romantic relationship and is happy, fulfilled, growing?
My guess is, they are couples who really value one another, genuinely care about each other and relish spending time together.
So, the next time you find yourself looking for Mr. (or Mrs. Right), think about being their friend first.
Take it slowly.
Get to know one another and allow that love to grow naturally.
You might just be amazed.
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Image by Matheus Ferrero on Unsplash
The Key to a Great Relationship – Don’t Go To Bed Angry
The first time I got married, I was pretty young, naïve and foolish. I didn’t genuinely understand what it meant to share a life with another person (although I was convinced I did.)
I was, however, absolutely certain of one thing.
I wanted to do my marriage differently than my parents had. I’d witnessed the hostility, anger, frustration, hurt and dysfunction first hand. I definitely did not want that. But let’s face it, my mom, dad and stepdad were my role models so naturally, I ended up re-enacting what I’d experienced even when it was the last thing I’d wanted.
Meanwhile, my heart craved something else entirely.
Something other than what I was creating. My heart longed for intimacy, love, connection, to be understood. All these desires sounded romantic and simple… but somehow, they eluded me.
What I had and what I wanted were miles apart only I pretended that wasn’t the case and acted as if everything was perfect.
Until it all came apart.
Looking back I see that the main challenge, the thing that successfully unraveled my relationship, wasn’t any one singular event. In fact it was the opposite. It was the small, ever day, ordinary moments that poked the holes.
What am I talking about?
The first time I got married, I was pretty young, naïve and foolish. I didn’t genuinely understand what it meant to share a life with another person (although I was convinced I did.)
I was, however, absolutely certain of one thing.
I wanted to do my marriage differently than my parents had. I’d witnessed the hostility, anger, frustration, hurt and dysfunction first hand. I definitely did not want that. But let’s face it, my mom, dad and stepdad were my role models so naturally, I ended up re-enacting what I’d experienced even when it was the last thing I’d wanted.
Meanwhile, my heart craved something else entirely.
Something other than what I was creating. My heart longed for intimacy, love, connection, to be understood. All these desires sounded romantic and simple… but somehow, they eluded me.
What I had and what I wanted were miles apart only I pretended that wasn’t the case and acted as if everything was perfect.
Until it all came apart.
Looking back I see that the main challenge, the thing that successfully unraveled my relationship, wasn’t any one singular event. In fact it was the opposite. It was the small, ever day, ordinary moments that poked the holes.
What am I talking about?
Here’s a scenario:
It’s a Friday night and we’re watching a movie, one of those heart wrenching, soul mate tearjerkers. Of course, I start crying. My husband rolls his eyes and snorts, implying that I’m pathetic.
I instantly feel hurt and naturally reject him back, turning away from him in bed, holding my wounded-ness like a cloak around me.
I could have told him how I felt.
Instead, I justified my silence with thoughts like: he doesn’t understand or care. Rationalizations that were probably untrue but re-enforced my pain and hurt.
When they occur, these moments seem trite and inconsequential but added up over time, they erode emotional trust. One day, a decade later, I looked up and realized I was standing on the opposite bank of an emotional gulf from my partner.
How did that happen?
It was all the little hurts – me nagging about the laundry, him disappointing me by working on Saturdays, me criticizing him for paying a monthly gym membership he’d never use, him not getting me a card for my birthday… and on and on and on.
We didn’t talk about these small upsets and instead went to bed hurt and angry.
Needless to say, our relationship gradually splintered apart and I decided that I was done. Done with power and control masquerading as love. No more partners. Now I’d take care of myself and my girls. I wasn’t ready for another relationship and I certainly didn’t want one that wasn’t really about love.
It was time for me to learn how to be loving.
That started with me learning how to love myself. I also had to understand how to make room for other people and that meant surrendering my need for control. Most importantly, I had to give up criticism.
It took time and frankly, I was skeptical that real love even existed.
Then I got surprised. Love came to me, as it usually does, when I least expected it.
This time my partner and I agreed to do things differently.
Consequently, he and I talk about everything. We're open about our feelings and even about how we want to be with each other. This led us to creating agreements that govern our relationship. One of these is to not go to bed angry.
I’ll admit, sometimes this is really hard to do.
Especially when I feel hurt or wronged. In those moments it’s hard to be emotionally vulnerable. It’s much easier to fall into blame or feel like a victim. But I value what we have together and I remember how going to bed angry whittled away my previous relationship.
I know it’s worth speaking up because then those little things won’t accumulate. They won’t slowly push me away emotionally so I stop opening up and sharing.
Instead, when I do finally speak my words of upset, those words of truth, the opposite occurs.
I feel even more seen, heard and loved. I am honored and taken care of because I choose to share my vulnerability instead of holding in the hurt.
It’s been eleven years and I can honestly say that my current husband and I are even closer today than we were all those years ago. A big reason why is because we consistently try to honor this agreement and not go to bed angry.
So the next time you feel hurt, disappointed or upset with your partner, try talking about it.
Tell him or her how you feel. See if your partner can understand your point of view and perhaps offer some insight into theirs. It may bring you to a new level of intimacy with one another and deepen the bond you have.
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Yes My Family Can Drive Me Crazy
Ram Dass says, “if you think you’re enlightened go live with your family for a week.” Most days I’m thankful for the lessons I’ve learned from my loved ones. But some days, I’d rather be left alone.
Recently I had an opportunity to examine my own judgment from a situation that occurred. In my opinion, one of my family members, let’s call him Dave, had intentionally hurt another human being. I was deeply bothered by this.
The act seemed selfish and irrational and I was having a really hard time getting beyond it.
The phrase that kept repeating in my mind was, “ you can’t just kick people to the curb.”
Ram Dass says, “if you think you’re enlightened go live with your family for a week.” Most days I’m thankful for the lessons I’ve learned from my loved ones. But some days, I’d rather be left alone.
Recently I had an opportunity to examine my own judgment from a situation that occurred. In my opinion, one of my family members, let’s call him Dave, had intentionally hurt another human being. I was deeply bothered by this.
The act seemed selfish and irrational and I was having a really hard time getting beyond it.
The phrase that kept repeating in my mind was, “ you can’t just kick people to the curb.”
I actually got angry about it and purposefully distanced myself, choosing not to be around Dave. Then unexpectedly, he pulled into my driveway embodying everything that I felt like I didn’t stand for, selfishness, inauthenticity, and selling out. I struggled to plaster a smile on my face and couldn’t wait for him to leave.
5 minutes later I walked into my house ranting. “How could he… this is why I am the way I am…”
The knowing voice inside kept reminding me that I had to let it go.
This was his choice. It was his life. I had to forgive Dave but it was hard! I was clinging intensely to my own self-righteousness.
The next morning in my meditation, I received a teaching to release judgment for the day. I decided to embrace this lesson and have a judge free day.
There would be no “I like.”
No “What is he thinking?”
No “that was a silly choice…”
And I did!
It was wonderful. I felt free and light, clear and present. Later in the afternoon, I thought about Dave and suddenly realized I wasn’t angry anymore. It had floated away during my judge free day because after all, that’s what it was, my judgment of his behavior, my righteousness and desire to make his actions wrong.
Then something amazing happened.
Dave approached me having realized he was not proud of his behavior. We had an amazing heart to heart talk. I was able to say through love what I had observed and how it made me feel. And Dave could hear me because I wasn’t judging him, making him wrong or angry.
Because I forgave him, healing took place.
This never would have happened if I hadn’t released my own anger, judgment and righteousness. I felt so much gratitude for the entire event. Because what I was reminded of is that we never know the big picture, God’s plan. Maybe Dave needed that experience to finally stop a life long pattern. Maybe the (in my opinion) wronged person needed to learn something too. I’ll never know. I’m just grateful that I was able to show up open heartedly when the moment arose and love my family member completely.
Have you ever felt frustrated by a member of your family? What happened?
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Never Do THIS in Your Romantic Relationship
Have you ever gotten into a fight and been so angry with your partner that you wanted to walk out the door? Your whole body is tense, heart is pumping, mind whizzing and you're just plain seething mad? How then do you lie down in bed together? Do you turn over, back towards your partner and sleep as close to your side of the bed as possible? Do you choose not to sleep in the bedroom but opt instead for the couch?
What's it like for you in the morning after a night like that? Are you still angry? Angrier? Hurt? Upset? Then what happens? Is there any resolution or does life move on, the origin of the fight forgotten (or buried) and it's back to the daily routine.
Have you ever gotten into a fight and been so angry with your partner that you wanted to walk out the door? Your whole body is tense, heart is pumping, mind whizzing and you're just plain seething mad?
How then do you lie down in bed together? Do you turn over, back towards your partner and sleep as close to your side of the bed as possible? Do you choose not to sleep in the bedroom but opt instead for the couch?
What's it like for you in the morning after a night like that? Are you still angry? Angrier? Hurt? Upset?
Then what happens? Is there any resolution or does life move on, the origin of the fight forgotten (or buried) and it's back to the daily routine.
How about trying something different?
How about NOT going to bed angry?
I know it's hard. Especially if you're a big cry baby like me. Once I start, it can be impossible to hold back the emotional flood. Sometimes it's so bad that the words can't even come out. I hiccup and choke, then there's the constant stream of snot. Not pretty BUT effective.
Here's why we have to talk - because when we fight with someone we love what we really feel underneath is hurt. Hurt that they can't see our point of view, hurt that they might think badly of us, maybe even mad at ourselves for hurting them and that hurts. It's the sting of disappointment.
Lately when these episodes have come up for me, it's been around my partner's inability to see my side of a story or believe my viewpoint. This can be super frustrating partly because I hate feeling misunderstood. And if I'm not careful, I quickly fall down the rabbit hole of victim - "why can't anyone understand me" or my defenses go up and it's "f*** you then."
But if I can take a step back and instead of feeding my need to be right, I can say. "You know, I'm feeling attacked right now by your response" or "I really feel like you cannot hear me right now."
Then I have to also attempt to recognize my role in it. Am I being genuine or unrealistic? Am I just picking a fight because I'm in a bad mood? Between these two strategies, I can usually de-escalate myself and the situation.
Choosing to talk instead of avoiding (and staying mad) is the brave path. We have to swallow our pride, overcome feeling wounded and speak up. YOUR relationship is worth it. Every time I do this, it strengthens my marriage. Otherwise those unsaid words and hurt feelings build up. And brick by emotional brick, they create a wall between you and the one you love most. So, be brave and open up. Share when you're angry and resolve it. Be willing to talk about the fight, own your part. Help your partner own theirs and go to bed in peace.
Can you relate to any of this? Share with me!
Tell me what you found successful. How do you overcome anger and conflict? Leave a comment!
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The Best Lesson I Ever Learned About Relationships
I've always been a romantic from the time I was a little girl. I bought it all, thinking that I'd be rescued from my unhappy situation, that somehow I'd meet the love of my dreams, and live happily ever after. As part of my fantasy, I was hooked on the idea of falling in love even though I don't know that I had any idea of what love actually was.
For years I harbored my romantic dream. My life's journey took me through many cities and some wonderful relationships. I have to admit, I have been pretty darn lucky! But it wasn't until I was ready to give up entirely that I finally got it. My fantasy had finally popped and I was face to face with my own unhappiness and was now a single mother. I decided I was officially done with romance, done with relationships, done with love.
I've always been a romantic from the time I was a little girl. I bought it all, thinking that I'd be rescued from my unhappy situation, that somehow I'd meet the love of my dreams, and live happily ever after. As part of my fantasy, I was hooked on the idea of falling in love even though I don't know that I had any idea of what love actually was.
For years I harbored my romantic dream. My life's journey took me through many cities and some wonderful relationships. I have to admit, I have been pretty darn lucky! But it wasn't until I was ready to give up entirely that I finally got it. My fantasy had finally popped and I was face to face with my own unhappiness and was now a single mother. I decided I was officially done with romance, done with relationships, done with love.
It seems that I have an ironic agreement with God. I always think I know what's best. I try and try and try then invariably fail. After that I give up totally, put my life in God's hands and (ironically) God then provides it.
And here is the secret I wish I'd learned when I was 13: be friends first.
I know it sounds super simple and I suppose it is but simple can be true and simple can be real and simple can lead you everywhere you want to go.
So, what do I mean when I say be friends first? Here is what I mean -
Hot and heavy is short lived.
When we get real with ourselves we know it's true. Sex is great but that intense physical attraction isn't sustainable in the long run.
Sharing interests is. Having fun together is. Enjoying one another's company is.
Not long ago I was talking to a friend of mine who is always looking for love and is chronically disappointed. This was my advice to him. Be friends first. Because even if your sex life is INCREDIBLE, it isn't happening 24 hours a day (be honest) BUT you are in an emotional relationship with someone 24 hours a day. And it makes a HUGE difference when that person is your confidante, best friend, most fun playmate AND lover.
Don't believe me? Look around. Who do you know that's in a romantic relationship and is happy, fulfilled, growing? My guess is it's couples who really value one another, genuinely care about each other and relish spending time together.
So, the next time you find yourself looking for Mr. (or Mrs. Right), think about being his or her friend first. Take it slowly. Get to know one another and allow that love to grow naturally. You might just be amazed.