Managing My Anxious Mind

I'm about to go on a trip which involves a training and certification. I decided to do this something like three years ago but really committed to this timeline about 10 months ago. So, I've known I'm going for awhile. But as the days get closer and the actuality of me boarding a plane and attending the seminar get nearer, my anxiety kicks into full gear. 

I watch as I get edgier and more short with my loved ones, less patient than I normally am. I notice how my body becomes restless and I wander around doing errands, distractedly. And I feel it in my chest, like a tightness. 

I have been dealing with my anxious mind all my life. When I was younger, I used drugs but mostly food to make the discomfort go away. I would stuff my face full of candy or baked goods to manage the tension. That stopped over 20 years ago but the anxiety never left. Instead, most days I manage pretty well. I exercise, meditate, use positive affirmations. But sometimes it is just there no matter what. 

I used to think it was just me but then I read that the #1 diagnosis for people seeking psychotherapeutic assistance is anxiety. So perhaps it is our society, we are creating anxious people. Part of it is certainly our 24 hour world. We feel like we are accountable every second of every day. We can also be easily overstimulated by the media and technology, bombarded with information. And the speed of change continues to accelerate. It can feel hard to hold on. 

Recently I have been exploring the Enneagram as a way to learn more about myself and manage my anxiety. The enneagram is a set of nine distinct personality types, with each number signifying one type. Although we often can identify with some aspects of all nine Enneagram types, one typically feels most congruent. This is your basic personality type. It took me awhile to figure out which one I was - a 6 - and I later discovered that this is a common trait of sixes! 

Some interesting facts I learned was that the 6 is one of three (5, 6 & 7) enneagram types that are considered the thinking ones (in the head) as well as the "anxiety" personalities. The way the Enneagram people talk about it, is that sixes (I) respond to the my separation from One-ness by feeling anxious (or dread). My personality is simply wired to feel anxious. Instead of feeling worse when I discovered this, I actually felt better. It wasn't just ME, it was how I was showing up, it was my personality. And there are loads of other sixes out there who feel similar to me. Phew, that was a relief. Ironically, I find solace in that.

About a year ago I started receiving daily enneagram messages from the Enneagram Institute for my number. These messages have helped to remind me that, yes, I do feel anxious and yes, it is part of my programming but they also provide insight and tools to remind me that firstly, I am NOT my personality and secondly, that I can do something about it.

For example, here was mine from yesterday when I was worried about getting all my chores done, packing, etc., etc. "Remember there is nothing unusual about being anxious. Learn to be more present to your anxiety, to explore it, and to come to terms with it. (Understanding the Enneagram, 341)." Instead of it being bad, it is okay, normal.

And then today's was the perfect affirmation to remind me that my anxiety is not real. "Deep down, Sixes remember that the universe is benevolent and supports them completely. (The Wisdom of the Enneagram, 259)."

So as I embark on my trip, I will breathe knowing that anxiety lives in me, in my personality but is NOT who I am. And as I breathe that in, the anxiety really does dissipate. Knowing that my true nature never feels anxious. What a relief! Now I can smile and, hopefully relax.

Allowing People to be Themselves

What happens when someone you love acts in a way that is disappointing, frustrating or (in your opinion) wrong? How to respond... This is something I have been struggling with lately. One way to respond is to judge his or her actions and make them wrong. This goes something like, "I can't believe you did that! How could you have been so (mean, thoughtless, self-centered)? This technique may feel good in the moment, allowing me to feel right or better than or maybe even righteous. Inevitably, though, this way never seems to help and in fact usually makes the problem worse.

Another way is to avoid seeing the person with whom you have a conflict. Stop calling or visiting. It can help diffuse feelings, and gives me some space to process, forgive or whatever it is that needs to unfold for healing to take place. But this isn't a lasting solution. It is a temporary hiatus unless I never want to see that person again. 

So there must be another way. That is the road of acceptance and forgiveness, a road not always easy to travel. If I decide I'm willing to try, then what might it look like? Well, first it involves letting go of my need to feel better than or right. Even when I'm upset, I have to allow for the possibility that greater things are at play than I can see. How do I really know God's plan? How do I really know what anyone needs for their own learning to take place? I can't. And so this step requires my humility and surrender in allowing life to unfold regardless of what I "think" is right or wrong.

Ultimately I have no control over how other people behave and so I have to trust that just as I am, they are exactly where they need to be learning the lessons they need to learn. Then I also have to stop judging others and their process. Instead, I have to open my heart and accept them, accept every part- the ones I love and the ones I don't like so much, recognizing we all are human, flawed and growing. When I can get to this place, that tightness in my chest eases up and I can breathe more easily and feel more relaxed and joyful knowing that all is well and as Bob Marley said, "every little thing is gonna be alright."

Letting Go and Trusting

Even though I created my goals for 2014, last week I decided to take up Robert Holden's suggestion and choose one word for my new year. One word to focus on and intend. One word to be my guide for 2014. The word that came to me was trust. When I think about trust, there are lots of ways to define and interpret it. For a long time, I have thought about relationships as truly being about trust. Because without it, how can you feel safe, allow yourself to be vulnerable or rely on another person? And as I delve into that idea that relationships are 'built on trust' then it is reasonable to extend that to life. If life is about relationships, then it is also about trust. 

Growing up I had little trust. I was a pretty afraid kid. Life was scary, adults were often unpredictable and the world over all seemed like an unsafe place. This made me feel guarded and cautious, reluctant to trust. In the 40+ years I have been walking around in my body, I have shifted a lot of those old beliefs but some are more deeply rooted or perhaps hold on more stubbornly to my psyche. I have learned to reach out and trust loved ones, and allow myself to 'need' other people. I have also, with the help of affirmations, begun to shift my view of the world so that instead of expecting the worst, I say things to myself such as, "only good lies before me. I am safe. The Universe loves and supports me."

But the hardest for me to trust was God. In the late 1990s, I had an astrologer who I called fairly regularly. I was trying to figure out a direction for myself and often relied on his advice and clarity. In one of our sessions, he suddenly began telling me how much I was adored and protected by God. He went on to say, "God loves you so much and you are so divinely supported. It's like an energetic hammock that you could lie back into."

It was a great image and the idea of it thrilled me but at that time, 15 years ago, there was no way I was believing him. I had recently started to meditate and I would sit in front of my altar, hear Dale's words about relaxing into the hammock of support and would sit totally rigidly, not able to lay back at all, too afraid to let go and relax.

Since that time, my life has changed dramatically and I have courageously started many new projects including moving, creating a school, raising children... My life totally fell apart and I have rebuilt it differently. Now I want to relax into that hammock of God, knowing that I am completely loved and supported. And what I have come to see is that trusting God is the same as trusting myself. As I open more to me, I open more to the God within me and allow that inner knowing to guide and advise me. This is what I feel is my work for 2014, to try and get out of my own way, and trust that I am totally taken care of and supported and believe it to be true. Then I can spend every day in the hammock. Sounds pretty good- like life is one big vacation- and I am ready!

The When Problem

It's so easy to get caught in the when dilemma. You know exactly what I mean. The when problem goes like:

"I'll be happy when I have a Mercedes."

"I'll be happy when I have a 4-bedroom house."

"My life will be good when I find the partner of my dreams."

"I'll be fulfilled when I have a better paying job."

"I'll feel content when I find a new teacher - she will give me the answers I seek."

Sound familiar? All of us do it, it's a natural response to our world and the constant media assault and societal pressure that we should be more, do more, have more. That who we are right this moment is not enough. But isn't it?

I spent many years rejecting the acquisition of stuff, choosing to follow a spiritual path thinking that meant one of deprivation. In part I felt the need to do this as a response to the materialism I saw around me and the realization that more stuff did not equal more happy. It actually seemed to equal more stress. So the "I'll be happy with the new car, house..." I got over actually in my twenties while living in Hong Kong, watching people obsess over status, and name brands. 

But the when challenge is insidious and as I got over one hurtle, it simply presented another because there are loads of 'when' paradigms. So I gave up the materialism ones but got hung up on being the seeker or the student. Then my when statements were more like:

"Once I learn from this teacher, then I'll be happy."

"When I take this course I will know the answers."

Then Robert Holden popped those for me in his course (and book) Be Happy. He said, "you're walking down the hall and on one door it says, 'Course on Happiness' and on the other door it says, "Happiness." In that moment I was busted. I realized that, being the dutiful student, I would have chosen the course door forgetting all the while that what I was really seeking was the experience of happiness. He went on to say that as long as you are a seeker, you will never find, ouch, busted again.

And what I was reminded of by him is that happiness and joy are our innate essence. We don't have to do anything, have anything or be anything other than who we are in this moment. We simply have to choose to connect into it. It is available to us all the time. It's a vibration and we carry it with us always. 

Because I like imagery, the best way for me to imagine it is that our happiness is like the shining sun residing right in the center of the chest. But fog and rain, snow and clouds can cover it over seeming to block it out. We easily get distracted by all this gray, blustery weather that are our thoughts and emotions. They take us away from the shining sun underneath. But if we can shift our focus and remember that just like the weather, even when it's pouring outside, the sun is still up there shining, our joy is shining from within us too. And as we choose to focus on that, the gray clouds of mind will dissipate and we can allow ourselves to be illuminated from within by the glory of who we really are - happy and joyful - right now, not when.

What do YOU want in your New Year?

Hello everyone! Tomorrow is New Year's Eve. Are you ready? Okay, okay, so I don't mean party plans, champagne purchases and designated drivers. I mean, are you ready to start your year with clarity, with purpose and with intention?

This is the perfect time of year to release that which you no longer want and get clarity about what you want to attract (all that we desire). Want to know how? Let's start with letting go...

This is my board from 2013

There are lots of ways to do this. If you like fires, have a roaring bond fire. Write down anything you're ready to let go of or release and then one by one throw those words or phrases into the fire! If you can't go to the beach, don't have a fireplace or suitable backyard, try a barbecue or a burning bowl! You can even do it with firecrackers by thinking about what is leaving you as you light it and then watch it blow up in front of your eyes!

Now how about attracting the good stuff. I really love vision boards. A few years ago we started doing this as an annual tradition with our children. Last January, my 19 year-old took hers back to college with her while mine sits on my desk at work. A vision board can be anything that inspires you- words, pictures, objects. People go about them in different ways. Some like to start with a list of goals for the new year- "what I see for myself." Others are more organic and surf the internet, browse magazines or newspapers for words and images that appeal.

Last year I learned about a similar concept to the vision board from Robert Holden. It's a compass to orient you. In a workshop I attended, he handed out these paper compasses. So last year, that was the theme I used, placing joy at the center of the compass, reminding me of where I always want to be. Then I oriented mine so spirit was in the north, fun and grounding in the south, family and emotional needs in the west and intellectual pursuits in the east. This year, I think I might allow it to be more flowing but I will start with making a list of goals for myself because even though I want my board to be more free-flowing, I will choose precise and specific objectives for myself this year just as I do every year. 

Actually, if this is something you already do, a great way to check in is to review the list from last year and see all that has been accomplished, all that has manifested in 2013. Celebrate and honor it! That list can often help dictate 2014 too because sometimes goals continue or deepen. 

Having a vision board enhances that goal/objecive list, provides visual imagery to it and is a constant reminder, when you see it, of what you want. When we decide how we want our lives to be, the universe helps make it happen. It's so much better than letting life happen to us and way more fun not to mention satisfying. An expression I heard Marci Shimoff say that I just love is that we have to set our intentions - that's our goals, our objectives, then we put our attention to these things by making a vision board and by writing them down and seeing them often and finally we breathe in and allow for no tension- letting the universe (or God) support us in manifesting our dreams.

So, what are you waiting for? 2014 is just about here, are you?

A Prisoner to Anger?

Recently I found myself irritated and annoyed by someone in my life. I was struggling with acceptance and found myself aggravated and put out. My mind was on a circular track, like a broken record stuck in a groove, repeating over and over again, allowing me to wallow in my negativity. 

Later that day, I went to a discussion group. We read and talked about passages reminding me that I am not my mind. I am not even my thoughts! The conversation gave me objectivity and helped me break out of my negative pattern. I began to let it go. As I sat there contemplating my own process, I started to see how my anger and frustration were holding me prisoner in my mind. It had control over me because all I could think about and fixate on was feeling wronged. Then I thought, "do I really want to give this person that power over me?" Wow. Of course the answer was a resounding, "NO!"

Toward the end of the discussion, another member shared that he also was trapped in resentment. Those weren't his words, exactly. What he said was that he wasn't able to get passed a person who'd wronged him. It sounded like it had happened a long time ago. 

Of course the first words that came to my mind were, "you have to forgive him, the person who wronged you." But the gentleman wasn't hearing this. I looked at him and could see that his anger had distorted his facial features. Listening, it became clear that he'd allowed the bitterness to even define him. Who was he if he wasn't betrayed?

This man was mirroring my own inner conflict. I saw in front of me how the anger we hold onto, really holds us. Just as I'd been locked in a prison cell all day with my obsessive thoughts, I could see this man was too. For him though, it had been years. 

There is a quotation often attributed to the Buddha or Pema Chodrun but the origin is actually from Alcoholics Anonymous, "Anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die."

What I felt inside myself on Monday and what I saw with this gentleman, was that quotation playing out exactly. We are the ones who feel the anger so ultimately it is punishing us. When we forgive, we set ouselves free. It's the irony of forgiveness. Our egos resist it so much, "we've been wronged! She's hurt us!" But the reality is that we are the ones who go on hurting ourselves over and over again by holding onto that pain. So I am resentful. How does she know? She has no idea. She doesn't feel my anger, only I do.

When we forgive, it doesn't mean that we forget or even deny that another person hurt us. It doesn't remove their responsibility, minimize or justify their actions. We can release the emotions without excusing the wrong. Forgiveness allows for an internal peace, helping us go on with life.

Sometimes when we've been holding anger for so long it can be hard to forgive. Louise Hay recommends that even if we're not ready to forgive we can be "willing to forgive." The Universe will support even our willingness and help us get there. Along with the mental health benefits of releasing resentment are the physical health benefits. As the Mayo Clinic reports, forgiveness allows for less anxiety and stress, lower blood pressure and reduced risk or alcohol or substance abuse.

So don't think about forgiveness as something we do for another person, think about it as a gift we give to ourselves. Be willing to walk over that proverbial bridge to the other side, the side of healing, love and empowerment. As Louise Hay says, "I forgive and I set MYSELF free." 

A Life of The Mind? What About A Life of the Heart?

Growing up in New York City, I was surrounded by intellectuals and an analytical culture. Both my father and stepfather relished doing the Times crossword puzzles every day. My father even undertook the Sunday diagram-less ones, sketching them out onto graph paper. He was stingy by nature but never scrimped when it came to learning. He'd pay for any course I wanted to take to "better myself." Meanwhile, my mother and stepfather spent every evening discussing politics and theatre. Naturally, as a teenager that's what I emulated. For "light reading" I chose novels like Sophie's Choice and The Sound and The Fury. In high school, I following current events so I could sound knowledgeable but towards the end of my college years, I began to wonder about all of this critical analysis and the pursuit of a 'life of the mind.'

My first inclination that maybe this wasn't the exact path for me was when I took a class on Eastern philosophy and religion. One student presented an argument juxtaposing 'critical anlysis' or breaking things down in order to understand them, to a Buddhist concept of embracing the whole. I suppose that conversation planted a seed because after that I was never quite the same. Yeah, I could banter and hold my own dissecting a film or criticizing a political perspective but I'm no intellectual, not in the way many of my family members were, and I started to see that I was moving in a different direction anyway. After all, wasn't I more than just my mind?

As I let go of the obsessive need to follow the daily news and began my own inner journey, reading books and finding teachers, I kept encountering this idea, to live from the heart. I didn't know what that meant or how to do it- so I went searching. One of the things I learned was that the mind isn't in fact all there is. It's just a muscle that likes to think it's in charge. It'll boss you around forever if you let it. It can create countless fantasies, both good and bad, is a master at imparting fear and loves to judge BUT if you tame it, it can be an amazing machine. 

When we choose to approach the world from the place of the heart, we allow ourselves to open up to the experience rather than the constant narration our head's telling us about what we 'should' be seeing or doing. We defer judgment or rationalization and allow ourselves a more holistic and accepting view. People often say the heart is the home of intuition, the place where your true self lives. I would argue it is also the place of knowing. 

So to live from the heart isn't about not using the critical mind, being lazy or for people who are intellectually inferior. In fact, it is quite the opposite. Leading with your heart invites a person to tap into innate knowing as well as honing the mind to do the heart's bidding. Then we can live from a place of purpose and fulfillment instead of criticism and arrogance.

I know sometimes now when I go out to dinner with my family or intellectual friends in New York, they think I'm weird. Instead of tearing down the latest production of Macbeth, I prefer to talk about the talent. Or better yet, important subjects like the meaning of happiness or success. I'm sure that after some of these evenings my friends go home scratching their heads but at the end of the day, I feel peace and clarity, am not relying on Xanax or Ambien to alleviate my anxiety and sleep like a baby, contented. 

You - The Only Relationship That Really Matters

I woke up this morning, checked my email and found one from my 19 year-old daughter, Ayu, with the subject line PLEASE READ. Of course it was the first thing I did. 

My gorgeous daughter, Ayu.

About a month or so ago, she and I'd been on the phone when she'd started crying telling me about the inner work she'd begun, trying to understand herself better and address her "issues." In the journal entry/email she'd forwarded to me, I could see her honesty right there on the page. She was indeed delving into areas of discomfort like self esteem, body image and negative habits. But what she said that really got my attention was:

People my age are obsessing about their relationships with other people: friends, lovers, family, professors, coworkers, etc. But the relationship I am most interested in right now, is my relationship with myself. Sure, we go through rough patches. Sometimes I’m a little more judgmental than I should be, and sometimes I get mad at myself. But hey, that’s normal. What’s important is that I’m in a committed relationship with myself, and I’m willing to do whatever it takes to make it work, because I’m worth it.    

And I realized that she was absolutely right, our relationship with ourselves is the only one that really mattters.

Recently I was working with a woman who just retired. She'd been looking forward to this for quite a while but was being undermined daily by her high level of anxiety. In our talks, she realized that throughout her life, she'd allowed herself to be so "busy" she never had time to deal with herself. Suddenly, her all consuming job had dropped away and she was left face to face with herself.

Why is it that we spend so much time, like Ayu says, focused on our relationships with others or like the retired woman, on our jobs while avoiding our relationship with ourselves? Is it that we are afraid? What do we think we might find? If I look in the mirror of my soul, what will I see?

I first started doing this internal work in my early twenties, when I was trying to release myself from an eating disorder. It was through this inquiry that I began to see my eating was just a symptom of something deeper. As I delved into that, I learned that I ate to give myself love, to be nurtured and to quell my anxiety. But inner work, the real work of our lives- to understand and love ourselves- is on-going. I have heard it described like peeling away the layers of an onion, spiraling back around again and again. 

We are all afraid of what we are going to see when we look into the mirror of our souls but the truth is, if we are wounded, what we see is a little girl (or boy) desperate to be loved. As we open our hearts with compassion and love to that "inner child" we allow ourselves to be healed. The old wounds fall away and our true beauty shines through. We release the pain and it sets us free.

It's easy to avoid ourselves and focus instead on a family member, job or numbing out with drugs, alcohol or too much TV. We're all inclined to run away from understanding who we truly are and what we are doing here. But if we can pause long enough to be with ourselves, we might discover that contrary to what we were taught or what was modeled for us, we are all profound, capable of loving and of being loved and can be our own best friends. This is truly the relationship that matters most and deserves our total commitment.

Piglet and the Art of Gratitude

When I was a little girl, I loved Winnie the Pooh. He was the character from the A.A. Milne books that I most identified with and consequently, had a small, stuffed doll in his likeness. His simplicity and unfailing kindness always cheered me. I cherished my Pooh bear and every summer when my sister and I went to sleepaway camp, I'd bring him with me. For years, my closest friend at Echo Camp for Girls was Darcy and she favored Piglet. So, you can imagine that we paraded around pretending to be and/or carrying our totems as we went on overnight trips or talked late into the nights. 

In my twenties, I read The Tao of Pooh which brought me back to that wise and silly bear and gave me an even deeper understanding and appreciation for his timeless lessons. So I was surprised recently when I stumbled upon this A. A. Milne quotation, "Piglet noticed that even though he had a Very Small Heart, it could hold a rather large amount of Gratitude.” I never really thought all that much about Piglet but after reading that, I realized he could not be underestimated. After all, many of us may think we have small hearts. Piglet can serve as our inspiration in knowing that size is irrelevant when it comes to gratitude.

Seven days ago, I accepted my friend Gretchen's challenge to think of 5 things I am grateful for each day for a week with no repeats. Everyday I dutifully made my list, shared it on Facebook and Twitter, invited my friends to join. What was fascinating for me in this week was to realize just how much I am grateful for. The first "obvious" ones were the biggies that I think about a lot like my family, my health, and my career. But as I started to dig in, I noticed that everything from the shoes I wear to the face cream I apply I am grateful for. Then I also realized the gratitude I have for nature- for the sunsets, the rain, and the incredible array of animals in our world like Orca and Humpback whales, sea turtles, and Sandhill cranes. 

In the mornings I experienced how, especially if I was tired or dragging, simply naming the 5 things I was grateful for changed my focus. Very quickly I'd be transported from feeling bad, thinking about lack or negativity, to an uplifting freer place. My breaths would deepen and I'd look around with smiling eyes, immediately reminded of all the good surrounding me in this moment. 

Practicing gratitude is something found not just in children's books but in many spiritual practices. In an interview on UC Berkeley's Greater Good website, Brother David Steindl-Rast, a Benedictine monk, author and leader in the gratitude movement discusses its power, not only to the individual practicing it but to society and ultimately the world at large. He says, "...grateful individuals live in a way that leads to the kind of society human beings long for. In many parts of the world society is sick. Keywords of the diagnosis are: Exploitation, oppression, and violence. Grateful living is a remedy against all three of these symptoms. Exploitation springs from greed and a sense of scarcity. Grateful living makes us aware that there is enough for all. Thus, it leads to a sense of sufficiency and a joyful willingness to share with others. not only to the individual practicing gratitude but to society and ultimately the world at large..."*

Sometimes it's easy to read quotations from great thinkers like Brother David, Maya Angelou or Eckhart Tolle and feel intimidated, like they can do this because they are so much more advanced. This is when I remember Winnie the Pooh, the most simple of bears and his friend Piglet who is a rather timid little fellow, always afraid but wanting to be brave. If he can acknowledge that his heart is small but can hold a lot of gratitude, then so can you and so can I. It's easy to underestimate the capacity of the heart but it will grow. I promise. 

With this, I invite you today to undertake Gretchen's gratitude challenge. Do it for 1 week, and see how you feel. Feel your heart and experience how it will grow and expand. Watch how your mouth turns to smile more readily and see how you feel lighter. Before you know it, you may even find yourself humming while you hunt for acorns.

*Read More Here from Brother David

I Am Here To Be Seen

In 2011, I signed up to attend a 5-day professional training called "Coaching Happiness" with Dr. Robert Holden. I arrived in New York City in November, a year after my father and younger sister had died. A year of grieving that had left me emotionally spent. It was time for some happiness in my life after so much sadness. I was excited about the workshop but nervous too. I had been reading Robert's book, Be Happy and knew right away that his message was for me. My husband had bugged me to sign up for the workshop. "It's gonna sell out." They were only taking 100 people. So instead of procrastinating like I usually do, I went onto Hay House and booked it.   

Robert Holden with me in November, 2011

The workshop was held in a hotel in Times Square, not exactly my normal hang out when in New York. But I was reminded of something my friend Jeff had said to me a year or two earlier. His office is in Times Square. When I asked him how he coped with all the annoying tourists he smiled. "I like it actually, it's invigorating. Sometimes I just come out and walk around, breathe it all in." 

Okay, I thought, I will try to channel my inner enthusiast instead of donning my grouchy New Yorker face. Almost immediately, I made friends. The seminar had a relaxed and festive atmosphere and the audience, 90% women, were clearly excited to be there. One of the activities we did as a group, one we did every day was a greeting. It's of African (Bantu) origin and the concept is that we bring each other into existence by seeing one another. Two people participate by holding hands, facing each other, and looking into one another's eyes. One person starts by saying, "I am here to be seen." The person listening then responds, "I see you."

So we began. I was initially nervous and tended to allow my partner to go first, taking the lead. It was easy for me to see my partner and hold a space of patience and loving kindness but it was harder for me to utter the words, "I am here to be seen." Sometimes they felt like they got caught in my throat and my eyes all almost got watery. Nevertheless, I participated, repeating the exercise 5-6 times every morning with different partners. 

By the fourth day, heading into the seminar, I was feeling tired and emotionally raw. Sitting on the bus watching the gray streets go by, my mind was already anticipating the upcoming seminar. "I don't want to do that exercise this morning," I heard my inner brat whining, "I don't want to be 'seen' today. I just want to be left alone."

Then my wise self, observing the mental commotion reflected, "isn't that interesting, what you said, you don't want to be seen." Well, that started a whole internal dialog and a realization of how I have spent a good part of my life hiding in the wings, afraid to go on stage and "be seen."

Gretchen Laporta, Valentina Savelyeva and Louisa Nedkov from November, 2011

At the workshop, I participated in the morning greeting (I am here to be seen) after which we were asked to make groups of 4 and share how we were feeling and what we were experiencing. I decided to out myself. So I told everyone in my group the story of my ride into the seminar. My self disclosure seemed to surprise some of the listeners (maybe because I had acted my part so well) but everyone was loving and supportive. It was a cathartic moment for me, to realize consciously that I have been hiding.  

I decided it was time to come out. Not just to that group at the workshop but in my life.

This week Brene Brown tweeted, "So excited to finally launch The Daring Way™ - it's all about showing up, being seen, and living brave! And that got me thinking again about being seen. I'd been reading her book, Daring Greatly, in which she says "Courage starts with showing up and letting ourselves be seen." 

In September I launched my own coaching and therapy business, Decide Differently. I watched how the fear arose as I transitioned from being an educator, which I had been for over two decades, to a new field, where I felt like a fledgling. The mind chatter of "who are you to tell people what to do" and "why would anyone listen to what you have to say?" haunted me but I did it anyway and am even outing myself more with this blog!

Because the truth is that I have a lot to say and to share, we all do. I agree with Brene. When we "out ourselves" when we allow ourselves to be seen, when we invite ourselves to show vulnerability, we are alive. We are pushing beyond the comfort, beyond the known, we are allowing people to see all of us, the parts we like and the parts we like not so much. And this, too, also comes back to the happiness course I did two years ago. As Robert says, "Happiness is when we dare show people our original face."

Even though sometimes I don’t want to be seen and I still want to hide, I am recognizing it more and more and working with myself lovingly, gently, and encouragingly, just exactly as I would a small child in one of my classrooms. "You can do this, there's nothing to be scared of. We are all here to support and love you." And what I realize is the power that being seen has. It gives us the gift of feeling alive and connected, experiencing the love and joy that are all around us and within us. 

So thank you Robert and thank you to all of the brave men and women who shared that 5-day coaching happiness workshop with me. I am a different person because of all of you and I know you see me. 

Who Would've Thought My Dog Would Be My Teacher?

Nearly 10 years ago when I was splitting up with my husband at the time, I was worried about my kids and how the transition would affect them. My older daughter, Ayu, had been bugging me for ages about getting a dog. I always put her off. We travelled a lot and I couldn't imagine how that would work. But when things began to fall apart with her Dad, I started to reconsider. Maybe it was time to get a puppy. Maybe that would help the kids, give them a new focus, but what kind? I quickly realized I needed a dog that didn't shed a lot. I had a hard enough time keeping the house clean with two small girls. I also wanted something small, thinking we could bring a little pet onto an airplane with us. Somehow we settled on a dachshund. 

The next thing I knew, Ayu was talking to a friend who was enthusiastically saying, "I have a client who just had puppies!" Kumari is an animal communicator and one of her doggies had had an unexpected litter. She contacted the human owner to enquire if she'd generously give us one. Jan agreed with the caveat that Kumari "interview" them all to see which one wanted to come to Florida. The dogs, you see, lived in Los Vegas and I was planning on opening a school so our puppy had to like kids and be okay with coming to school with us everyday.

Rudy Dog

Kumari went to work talking to the litter and one male, Roo, excitedly responded, "Yes, yes, I want to go to school." So within a few short weeks, I was at the Atlanta airport picking up a 4-month-old brown, shorthaired dachshund. 

The first time Ayu saw him, she cried. He was so tiny and squirmy but super friendly and loving. We brought him home and it was just like having a baby, up every few hours taking him out. We quickly figured out that for all his cuteness, dachshunds were astoundingly stubborn and willful.

Then school started. Rudy, (we changed his name to Rudy after the spiritual teacher, Swami Rudrananda who went by Rudi) came to school with us everyday. At first, he barked at nearly every adult, not exactly the most welcoming mascot. But he also immediately loved the kids and became quite protective of them. He would wander from classroom to classroom checking on the students, lay on a bean bag and allow kids to read to him, hunt for dropped sandwiches under the picnic tables, and participate in PE, running enthusiastically like he was one of the pack. 

This past August he started acting strangely. He was protecting his left paw, wouldn't put weight on it, and was sleeping a lot. His vet, Sandy, prescribed anti-inflammatories and pain pills. Finally one night in early September, he cried all night. In my gut I knew something was terribly wrong. He was getting worse not better. In the morning I called Sandy who explained that his problem was neurological. "If he has to see anyone, it's gonna be the best." She made a few phone calls and got me in with a Board certified neurologist. I would have driven to Canada to take Rudy to the doctor, that's how desperate I felt. Instead I just had to go to Melbourne, about an hour away. Rudy sat on my lap the whole time. He was just like a sick infant wanting my touch, to be comforted and held.

Dr. Bichsel took one look at him and knew what was wrong but did an examination anyway. He came back to tell me, "your dog needs surgery. He is in excruciating pain from nerve root damage. I think he has a herniated disc but we must be sure by doing a myelogram. If you do not do surgery, I recommend you consider putting him down, his pain is too great."

I was in shock. My dog wasn't even 10, I wasn't ready to put him down but what if the surgery didn't work? In desperation I called my husband. Through tears I told him what was happening. He, naturally, was much calmer. "We have to do the surgery. Rudy has too much life left in him."

"Okay," I told the vet tech, "let's do it" and like that, they whisked him away from me and into the back. I sobbed the entire ride home. I felt so guilty that Rudy'd been in excruciating pain and I hadn't known. I cried because I felt like I didn't get a chance to say goodbye and he could die on the operating table. 

After the surgery, they called to tell me everything had gone well. Every day after that, they checked in and gave me a progress report. First Rudy was on morphine, then a fentanyl patch. He was getting hyperbaric oxygen treatments and physical therapy. Meanwhile, I had sunk into a depression, I wanted my dog back. Rudy had weaseled his way into my heart and I loved him like the member of my family he is.

Rudy's staples. 

On Monday I was ready to pick him up only the doctor said, "I think we should keep him a few more days." I wasn't able to get him until Wednesday. When they brought him into the room he started yelping so happy to see me. He had an 8-inch opening down the back of his neck held together with metal staples. I quickly dubbed him my Frankenweenie. "He is urinating and defecating on his own," they assured me. I paid, brought him to the car and drove home. 

Once at the house, I carried him outside to pee and he fell over. Not only was he unable to walk but he couldn't even stand. I was scared and called our vet. "Sandy, I don't know what to do. He can't even stand on his own."

She came over the next day and showed me how to stabilize him. "Situate his legs so he is upright and if he has to go, he will." She got him into position and he peed, then he attempted to move away from her, went a step and collapsed but his movement gave me optimism. "He's still wonked out on pain killers. Once they wear off, he'll be able to walk." 

I held on to her words like a promise and kept seeing him running freely in the yard, chasing squirrels.  

Despite it all, his pain, his inability to walk, Rudy personified love. He would look at me, love and gratitude emanating from his eyes. Here I was feeling horrible, like a bad mother, a bad owner, unaware, having hurt him (unintentionally) and all he had for me was love. Love and gratitude. Those looks pierced my heart. Maybe it's the simplicity of being a dog- they don't have all the other trivial thoughts that we have like, "what am I gonna wear today" or "I have to flat iron my hair, pay bills, run errands." Their lives are simple and it seems to me they think more with their hearts than with their heads. Most importantly, they don't beat themselves up over and over again for screwing up. 

One of Rudy's naughty traits is that he loves to dig in the garbage. The other day, my husband came home and Rudy was his usual thrilled self, greeting him with eagerness, chatter, tail wagging and playful pitter patter. Then he noticed Rudy had been in his trash can. He bent down, picked up the tissue, and looked at Rudy who promptly bolted out the door. Clearly Rudy knew what he'd done was wrong but does he constantly say to himself, "I'm a bad dog, I shouldn't go in the trash?" No. He forgets after that moment and moves on.

We rehabbed Rudy for three weeks and he has since recovered nearly 100%. He can walk, run, chase lizards and squirrels. He still limps slightly, which impedes his ability to go on long walks. He can no longer jump or go up and down stairs and that means he won't be able to go back to school to resume his full time job there. So now we have to see what his next task will be. I know that he continues to be my teacher. Reminding me that love is the only thing that matters and that forgiveness is the only way to treat each other and ourselves. He has become my constant companion, following me around like a shadow. When I do take him to school, he's treated like a celebrity, and he loves seeing the kids. I worry a little that he'll feel like he's lost his purpose but I don't think he has. So I hold open the door of possibility, waiting to see what his next job will be and if it turns out that it is simply to be my teacher than so be it. I am the greater for it.  

Losing Everything But Winning in the End

So my hard drive died. At first I just thought my computer was frozen. After all, I have a Mac, they never die. In fact, they hardly ever even freeze up! I spent the entire day trying various protocol to get it started before I finally gave up and brought it to a shop. Once there, the technician opened the back of my computer, which I had never seen before! The circuitry was a work or art and reminded me a bit of looking into the sky on a clear night up into the Milky Way. He popped out my hard drive. Five minutes later he came back, "we're gonna have to use your back up." 

"Nooooooooo," I screamed in my head. Attempting to appear sane, instead I muttered something like, "really? But it's been a while since I backed up... there's stuff on there I really don't want to lose." 

"Well, I can run it all night and see what happens but it's making a clicking noise," there he trailed off..."there is another possibility but it's expensive." 

"What?" I eagerly retorted, desperate to retrieve my data.

"We could send it to a lab, you know one of those places where there's no dust. The techs wear masks and gloves and open up your hard drive to extract the data. But it's in the thousands." 

My sister, Melissa

"Okay," I heard my self saying. Because here's my confession. For over a year I have been working on a memoir about my sister and me. I had done a ton of work on it over the summer and the thought of losing all of that was, well, I wasn't even willing to entertain.

Somehow I had become complacent about backing up. Maybe it was because I had a Mac, I don't know. Maybe it was because of Time Machine I thought it was backed up and kind of forgot about doing it regularly.

So, off my hard drive went, to the lab via the "economy" route which meant 5-7 days (of agonized waiting) for a mere $700-$2700 price tag. On Monday, two days after he sent it out, I called Michael. 

 "Any news?"

"Well, we have installed a new hard drive and restored your computer from the back up but from the lab? No. We probably won't hear until Thursday or Friday."

"Okay, PLEASE call me as soon as you hear anything. 

In the meantime I picked up my computer thinking (erroneously) that the last time I had backed up was May. Try January. JANUARY!!!!!!!!! 

I avoided even looking at the manuscript. This was even worse then I had expected. Okay, yeah I lost photos, music, emails, most of which I could replace through colleagues and family but not by blood, sweat and tears, not the words I had written since January? 

So of course I waited AND remained optimistic that, okay, I 'd have to pay, but I'd get my stuff back. On Friday Michael called, left a message. "The lab was unable to extract any data from your hard drive. They're sending it to me as I like to return people's property even though it's only useful as a paper weight."

At first I was numb, completely in shock. The government can extract data off of intentionally destroyed computers, how come they can't get anything off of mine? Why was this happening?

I was sooooooooooooooooooooooooo mad at myself because, naturally it was completely avoidable, duh. The "if only I'd backed up" sentence was on repeat in my mind. I then contemplated giving up. Maybe I wasn't supposed to do this thing anyway. The thought of having wasted all that time, of having written 115 pages and now having only 75 (mostly an outline.) I was bereft. Maybe I was being punished for being bad - but then that would mean I believed in a vengeful God, which I don't. So why then was the Universe challenging me? I was so close to done and now to have to start over?  

After allowing myself to feel all my emotions, anger, sadness, grief, mourning, frustration, I have now come to acceptance. For whatever reason, I am being asked to do it again. As my friend Gina said to me Sunday night, "you will make it better." Her encouraging words helped me muster up the courage to print out what I had and start working on it again. And maybe what I am beign asked to do is to go deeper.  

My sister died in 2010 of breast cancer and I was with her at the end. Our lives together had been challenging and working on the book for me was a way to release and process my sadness and grief at losing her but to also tell her story (and mine). The act of writing it had been cathartic and incredibly painful and the idea of having to go back into it, to revisit it and go even deeper felt daunting and scary. Yet when I really sat with trying to understand the lesson in losing my work, it was the only answer I was left with. "Tell her story, Shakti, tell your story, but really get dirty doing it." 

So, here I go, jumping into it again (and in my extreme paranoia, backing up daily). As I venture in and choose to open up my heart even more to the memories and to our love, I recognize that I am winning because this is the only journey there is, to open up to love. So no matter what happens, if I end up losing it all over again after I have finished it, it won't matter because it is the process that's the goal. The teaching lies in the journey. So word by word I will begin walking through it again. Wish me luck. 

Living with Anxiety: 5 Ways to Cope

 Seems like every time I turn on the news, the world gets more crazy. Recently it's the government shut down, unsettling not just to Americans but financial markets the world over and the furloughed workers... no paychecks but bills constantly piling up. Sounds stressful.

It isn't just them either. Perhaps I have a job but find an abnormal growth on my neck or a typhoon is bearing down on close relatives. How do we live with this level of chaos? It's hard not to let anxiety creep in, take over and steer life. Anxiety is caused by big events but also the little ones too. I have to get to work on time, my car won't start, I forgot my computer cord at home... sound familiar?

What do we do? Do we allow ourselves to get sucked into the vortex of chaos, stress out and be overwhelmed by anxiety? It's an option, for sure but the price is pretty high, especially on our bodies: increased heart problems, stroke, thyroid and adrenal troubles, challenges sleeping, alcohol/drug addiction, obesity. Truthfully, it's hard not to get affected. After all, life's often crazy and chaotic. It's easy to get sucked into it despite our best efforts.

I used to think, "when this is over (fill in the blank), everything will settle down and I can get on with my regularly scheduled life." That was my false belief for years. Until one day it suddenly dawned on me that what I was experiencing was life! Things are going along and then invariably, slam! Something happens - the water boiler explodes, a daughter gets stranded at the airport, the dog breaks his leg, Aunt Helen gets rushed to the hospital. Sound familiar? Of course because we all experience it every day; Life. Somehow the exciting events- the raise, the anniversary celebration, the new car,  never seem to undermine us, only the unexpected ones. So how do we take the upswings, the excitements, as well as the downturns in stride? Here are some ideas to help make life's unexpected ups and downs more accepting:

1. Perpective /Gratitude - Some people say perspective helps. Perhaps another way to think about this is being grateful for what we have in life. "I have a warm bed. I live in a safe community, I have a solid job. I have a supportive spouse. I have a reliable car. I am healthy." When we focus on what we have in our lives, what is good, we can attract more of that to us. We can also feel lucky as so many people struggle to feed their families, to have a roof overhead. So when unexpected things do happen, we feel more of a cushion. It seems small compared to all the good we are experiencing.
2. Breathing - Sometimes when I get really nervous or anxious, I stop breathing. The first time I noticed this was when I was in a crew regatta in high school. My boat was sitting under a bridge on the Stotesbury River in Philadelphia. It was the final heat and our coxswain was trying to get us in position, always a challenge with 8 oars. I was so scared I simply ceased breathing, the worse thing to do while exercising! Suddenly I realized, "I'm not breathing!!!" I then had to consciously think about it, "inhale, exhale, inhale, exhale." before I knew it the gun went off and we were rowing our guts out toward the finish line. Breathing is a great way to help the body relax. Anxiety causes us to create adrenalin and puts us on hyper alert: fight or flight. But most of the time we are not about to be attacked by a lion. Maybe we are stuck in traffic or have a term paper to complete in 10 hours. Breathing can help the body relax and help us to  step out of the freneticism caused by anxiety. It can clear the mind too to think more rationally so as not to just react to the current situation.  
3. Positive Thinking & Affirmations - Many people wake up feeling anxious or dread. Every Monday for the last month or so, that's been me. As if the week is daunting and I think, "Gulp, here I go, into unknown territory. So much to do..." How do I manage those feelings? I talk to myself as Lousie Hay would say, "in kind and loving ways." I use affirmations to help manage my mind talk. I have a great CD of hers entitled "101 Power Thoughts." It's a little intense because she literally powers through this massive list of affirmations. A few years ago when I had a long commute, I would listen to it in the morning and it made a huge difference for my day. One that really stuck with me from those drives was when she says, "my thoughts are my best friends." And my mind responded, "really, since when?" Then I realized, why not? Why should our thoughts be our worst critics? Can't they be our best friends instead? Now when I find myself feeling afraid, feeling dread, I try to channel my inner cheerleader and remind myself that "only good lies before me" that "everything I do brings me joy" and it really helps.
4. Meditation - Of course I also meditate which is my biggest savior. I started meditating in 1997 when a teacher/friend of mine said. "you need to meditate every morning." To which I replied, "I don't have time." She looked at me and said, "Make time." I am grateful to Lily Diamond for that because it has changed my experience of living. Sometimes I describe what meditation does for me as creating space around me so that I don't take the craziness of the world so seriously. Most of the time that works but I am human and sometimes life just seems to push me over the edge and I fall right into the chaos. Many Spiritual teachers talk about not getting sucked into the chaos of the world - the politics, the environmental degradation, the pain and suffering, our own personal challenges. And I think sometimes this can be misunderstood and interpreted as that they don't care, not true. I care deeply about the world so much so that the poverty, clear cuts, and violence I read about have often left me in a heap of tears. I have been physically affected by global tragedies but this response isn't helpful to me or the world. To "live in the world but not of it" allows me to operate from a place of compassion without physically taking on the pain. This is why I love meditation.    
5. Exercise - Anxiety is felt in our minds and in our bodies. One of the best ways to manage it is to do physical exercise, particularly aerobic exercise. Not only does it help to clear the mind, it makes us feel physically better from the release of endorphins. Sometimes when I am really stressed, I go for a run and when I'm done, I feel like a different person!  

We all get to experience this world and we get to decide how that is. Are we going to allow the chaos to unseat us and fill our bodies and minds with anxiety? Or are we going to utilize tools to help us manage our lives and ultimately feel more in control? Of course the choice is up to us. 

Choice Words RSS

Acceptance - What Does That Mean?

Most mornings I meditate for 20 minutes or so. Lately I've been enjoying a CD created by Deepak Chopra and Adam Plack called The Soul of Healing Affirmations and have incorporated it into my daily practice. At some point during my meditation- first thing, maybe mid way or towards the end- I feel inspired to listen to a selection. I have the album on shuffle figuring that the Universe will play me the affirmation I need to hear. Each are about 3 minutes long. I love listening to Deepak Chopra's voice. it's deep and calming and his pronunciation of Sanskrit words always brings a smile to my face. (No matter how hard I try, I just cannot seem to get the American twang out of mine!)

So today's was A for acceptance. It starts out, "Today I will accept myself just as I am." What's interesting about this statement emanating from my iphone today was that yesterday while I was working, I had a little confidence crisis. The old tapes were playing in my head and I couldn't seem to shut them up. "Who cares what you have to say? You're nothing, nobody, not good enough." Sound familiar?

So this morning when I heard that first line it was like, "oh right, that's it, that's all I have to do." 

And that's when the magic really happens. I hear, "Today I will accept myself just as I am." I breathe in and my entire being just relaxes, as if my insides have been working so hard trying to be someone else and now they're off the hook, they can just be them.

I breathe and it's like the sun opens up in my chest and fills my whole body with light. I feel utterly happy, blissful, magnificent. Like anything could happen and it would flow down my back like water off a duck.  

So what exactly is this thing acceptance anyway? For me it is the abandoning of the self improvement hamster wheel and the "shoulds." It's not taking that voice in my head seriously. It's allowing myself to relax and surrender into this moment, to just be in it and it feels so free. 

Deepak then goes on to suggest that "I will see the world just as it is." Because that is the second step of acceptance. The first is to accept ourselves, to quiet the inner critic. Then we have to dissolve the judge who is constantly looking outside at everything that is wrong with the world and all the people in it. So that's the other half of self acceptance, accepting everbody and everything else just the way they are. When we allow ourselves to do this, we are set free. Life feels harmonious, everything seems lighter and the seriousness just melts away.