When Self-Doubt Rears Its Head

After traveling for two weeks, it was time to fly home. Vacations are like a suspension of “regular life” and then, inevitably, I must come back. I refer to this as re-entry.

Re-entry started for me at the airport, waiting to board my flight. My mind churned with the various tasks I needed to do -- the work, the chores, the responsibilities. I pushed them away, banishing them to the back of my mind. After all, I wasn’t home yet.

But on Monday morning, they came crashing back.

I had to manage my internal dialog so I wouldn’t get overwhelmed. I made a list and got to work.

But the biggest challenge I was facing was self-doubt.

After being away, and feeling removed from everything, I had begun questioning myself. Was I doing the right thing? Should I just give up writing my book and building my business?

One of the voices in my head was telling me all the “have-tos” and “shoulds” I needed to do. These felt heavy and burdensome until I realized who was dictating them. My life is in my control. I get to choose what I want to do or not.

The only one putting pressure on me was me.

That felt better.

What did I really have to do? I completed the pressing tasks and attempted to relax and schedule out the rest. But I still had to face the self-doubt I’d allowed to creep in.

Being a Libra and a six on the Enneagram, I wrestle a lot with self- doubt.

I question my decisions and often weigh things out. I look at problems from other people’s perspectives, often seek their advice and am quick to question my own. I’ve been working hard on this quality –- of listening to my own inner guidance -- and there’s only one sure way for me to do that, through prayer and meditation.

This morning’s meditation began with my Course in Miracles lesson, “My thoughts are images that I have made.” I don’t think I could’ve asked for a better lesson for today. It was exactly what I was struggling with.

I was suffering from my own thoughts of self-doubt.

Then I asked God to guide me. What would you have me do today? And the answer I received was this:

Love and accept yourself, even your self-doubt.

I’d fallen into the place of feeling like I needed some kind of confirmation or validation from the world. We often seek success, fame, acknowledgement or note because we want to be deserving of love. What I was reminded of this morning is that I don’t.

I am loved simply because I exist.

I don’t have to be or have or do anything. I am loved because I am here.

I felt the thin veil that was restricting me fall away as those words washed over me. I am loved because I exist. I am love. I love me.

If you’ve ever allowed self-doubt to crowd your mind or make you feel uncertain or confused, tell yourself that you are not your thoughts. Be like a mindful gardener and pull out those thoughts that cause harm.

I was reminded this morning that my only real job is to be the presence of love. But that has to start with me –- with self-love -- with totally accepting myself and every aspect of who I am.

Have you ever felt self-doubt?

How has it affected you?

Share your story below. I’d love to read it.

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You Want Me?

A few weeks ago I watched Annie Hall, the Woody Allen movie starring Diane Keaton and Woody Allen. I hadn't seen it in over 30 years and probably laughed harder and appreciated it more this time around.

 The movie essentially is a study in Alvy Singer's (played by Woody Allen) rejection of the women in his life because he can't possibly fathom why they would want to be with him let alone love him. 

He even likens it to the old Groucho Marx joke, " I don't care to belong to any club that will have me as a member."

In the film, we watch as Alvy systematically sabotages his relationships only to then regret it after they're over.

But then something weird happened. I actually started to see this same pattern playing out with people I knew in my everyday life. Twice I witnessed one partner goading the other, speaking harshly almost like the desire was to reject, push away, or create cause for a break up.

And that got me thinking. Is this problem really pervasive? Because obviously it wasn't just a pretense in a movie. It was happening in real life, right in front of me.

If it is pervasive, then what's at the root of it? Why would someone intentionally sabotage a relationship? 

The answer that came to me was deservability.

If we don't think we deserve love then we want to reject it.

I know this situation well. In college I was in a long term relationship with a man who I deeply loved. More importantly, he genuinely loved me. But I wasn't ready to receive that love. I didn't think I was worthy of it, that I deserved it. I was fat, directionless, semi-unmotivated, passive aggressive. Why, would a handsome, smart, ambitious guy like that really love me?

So you know the story. We broke up, went our separate ways, created lives, etc. It took me at least a decade to realize that he loved me at a level that I simply could not receive. 

His capacity to love me was larger than my ability to accept it.

If you're reading this and thinking- I might be pushing away my partner because I don't think I deserve to be loved. Maybe it's time to change. 

The question to ask then is: "Are you ready to receive love?"

Then it's time to claim it definitively. Yes, I deserve to be loved. As much as I love others, I deserve to be loved. 

There's an affirmation Louise Hay shares where she compares being loved to breathing. She says:

"We do not have to earn the right to breathe. It is God given because we exist. So too is the right to love and be loved. The fact that we exist means that we are worth loving."

So, what do you think? Just because the club wants you is that a bad thing or could it be the opportunity you've been waiting for all this time?

Can you relate to this? Have you ever pushed love away?

Leave a comment with your story.

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Acceptance - What Does That Mean?

Most mornings I meditate for 20 minutes or so. Lately I've been enjoying a CD created by Deepak Chopra and Adam Plack called The Soul of Healing Affirmations and have incorporated it into my daily practice. At some point during my meditation- first thing, maybe mid way or towards the end- I feel inspired to listen to a selection. I have the album on shuffle figuring that the Universe will play me the affirmation I need to hear. Each are about 3 minutes long. I love listening to Deepak Chopra's voice. it's deep and calming and his pronunciation of Sanskrit words always brings a smile to my face. (No matter how hard I try, I just cannot seem to get the American twang out of mine!)

So today's was A for acceptance. It starts out, "Today I will accept myself just as I am." What's interesting about this statement emanating from my iphone today was that yesterday while I was working, I had a little confidence crisis. The old tapes were playing in my head and I couldn't seem to shut them up. "Who cares what you have to say? You're nothing, nobody, not good enough." Sound familiar?

So this morning when I heard that first line it was like, "oh right, that's it, that's all I have to do." 

And that's when the magic really happens. I hear, "Today I will accept myself just as I am." I breathe in and my entire being just relaxes, as if my insides have been working so hard trying to be someone else and now they're off the hook, they can just be them.

I breathe and it's like the sun opens up in my chest and fills my whole body with light. I feel utterly happy, blissful, magnificent. Like anything could happen and it would flow down my back like water off a duck.  

So what exactly is this thing acceptance anyway? For me it is the abandoning of the self improvement hamster wheel and the "shoulds." It's not taking that voice in my head seriously. It's allowing myself to relax and surrender into this moment, to just be in it and it feels so free. 

Deepak then goes on to suggest that "I will see the world just as it is." Because that is the second step of acceptance. The first is to accept ourselves, to quiet the inner critic. Then we have to dissolve the judge who is constantly looking outside at everything that is wrong with the world and all the people in it. So that's the other half of self acceptance, accepting everbody and everything else just the way they are. When we allow ourselves to do this, we are set free. Life feels harmonious, everything seems lighter and the seriousness just melts away.