You Want Me?

A few weeks ago I watched Annie Hall, the Woody Allen movie starring Diane Keaton and Woody Allen. I hadn't seen it in over 30 years and probably laughed harder and appreciated it more this time around.

 The movie essentially is a study in Alvy Singer's (played by Woody Allen) rejection of the women in his life because he can't possibly fathom why they would want to be with him let alone love him. 

He even likens it to the old Groucho Marx joke, " I don't care to belong to any club that will have me as a member."

In the film, we watch as Alvy systematically sabotages his relationships only to then regret it after they're over.

But then something weird happened. I actually started to see this same pattern playing out with people I knew in my everyday life. Twice I witnessed one partner goading the other, speaking harshly almost like the desire was to reject, push away, or create cause for a break up.

And that got me thinking. Is this problem really pervasive? Because obviously it wasn't just a pretense in a movie. It was happening in real life, right in front of me.

If it is pervasive, then what's at the root of it? Why would someone intentionally sabotage a relationship? 

The answer that came to me was deservability.

If we don't think we deserve love then we want to reject it.

I know this situation well. In college I was in a long term relationship with a man who I deeply loved. More importantly, he genuinely loved me. But I wasn't ready to receive that love. I didn't think I was worthy of it, that I deserved it. I was fat, directionless, semi-unmotivated, passive aggressive. Why, would a handsome, smart, ambitious guy like that really love me?

So you know the story. We broke up, went our separate ways, created lives, etc. It took me at least a decade to realize that he loved me at a level that I simply could not receive. 

His capacity to love me was larger than my ability to accept it.

If you're reading this and thinking- I might be pushing away my partner because I don't think I deserve to be loved. Maybe it's time to change. 

The question to ask then is: "Are you ready to receive love?"

Then it's time to claim it definitively. Yes, I deserve to be loved. As much as I love others, I deserve to be loved. 

There's an affirmation Louise Hay shares where she compares being loved to breathing. She says:

"We do not have to earn the right to breathe. It is God given because we exist. So too is the right to love and be loved. The fact that we exist means that we are worth loving."

So, what do you think? Just because the club wants you is that a bad thing or could it be the opportunity you've been waiting for all this time?

Can you relate to this? Have you ever pushed love away?

Leave a comment with your story.

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Is This Really the World of Dating?

My friend Heidi posted a link to a Huffington Post article, My “Naked” Truth yesterday. It's Robin Korth’s account of dating a man who enjoyed her “head and heart” but not her body.

He told her he couldn’t get turned on by her physically because she was “too wrinkly.”

After reading the piece, I found that I couldn’t stop thinking about it.

First it just made me sad that this is where we are in the United States in 2014. That despite all of our technological advances we are still so emotionally immature towards one another as individuals and as one gender relating to another. It also implies that we are woefully unaware of the power of words to harm one another and the pain that judgment brings.

Brené Brown tells us, the primary shame trigger for women is our bodies.

We women are all intensely aware of what we look like and are usually our own worst critics. So for Dave (the guy in the article) to not understand how hurtful his words and rejection of Robin’s body were to her is just plain stupid.

As my husband said to me after I read him the article, this is about objectifying women. Wanting the woman to live up to an image he has rather than the ability to actually see, love and accept what is right in front of him.

It made me sad too that this is the world of dating for older women.

I was reminded of some of the comments my father used to make about women. “She’s too overweight” or “she looks my age.” He often dated women decades younger than he was. Perhaps they were more nubile but what did they have in common?

Then one day I wondered, “What was he bringing to the table?”

The spare tire encircling his waist, his gray, balding head, wrinkles. Why was it okay for him to be imperfect, old, saggy and not her? It shouted of being a double standard. Yet most women are used to this and maybe that’s the worst part of all. That, having been objectified or pummeled by societal expectations of beauty for so long, we think it’s okay for men to have false expectations.

Fortunately, Robin provides us with a silver lining in her article.

Instead of accepting Dave’s words and allowing herself to be shamed, she took her power back. And she’s absolutely right. We all deserve to be loved exactly for who we are, what we look like clothed and naked, and for all of our opinions, beliefs and quirks.

That love starts with us, with us accepting ourselves exactly as we are from head to toe.

Read Robin's article and tell me what you think! (click here)

If you’re a woman, have you ever had something similar happen to you?

If you’re a man, how can you relate to what Robin experienced?

Leave a comment below! Let’s start a dialog.

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Wait for the Answer?

I don’t know about you but when I have a question or am unclear about something, I always want it resolved immediately. Yup, you can call me impatient. I want to know, to be clear, sure, certain.

Part of why I’m like this is because I’m an action oriented person and can only act once I know what to do. When I don’t know it’s like being on an airplane circling the airport in a holding pattern. I don’t like that feeling on in-action, confusion, or lack of clarity. It is uncomfortable.

Lately, though, I’ve been toying with this idea of allowing for space.

What I mean by that is to ask a question and be okay with not immediately knowing the answer, being okay with allowing room for possibility and for answers to percolate up rather than be instantaneous.

It’s almost like being more patient with life, allowing it to unfold rather than be pushed along.

I suppose being comfortable with space means that I’m okay with uncertainty or not knowing. And when I think about it from that perspective, it’s about trusting. Trusting that an answer will be revealed. Maybe not on my timeline or schedule, maybe not even my predicted outcome but an answer that is divinely perfect.

What’s interesting is that as I allow myself to relax into that space, I find ironically, that I’m less anxious!

And I actually forget I’ve even asked a question! It’s like being in a space where life is okay no matter what. Where I don’t have to be so vigilant and work so hard. Where I can relax and enjoy myself more, knowing that it’s all fine.

As I think more about this idea of space, I realize that here –in the in between place- is where all the answers lie, where creativity lies, the place of pure potential. And thinking about that makes me feel excited to be in that space- the birthplace of creativity.

So instead of feeling worse, anxious or stressed, I actually feel more excited, more alive, more in harmony with life and divinely guided. Who would’ve thought!

What do you think? Are you willing to allow for more space in answering your questions?

Let me know your thoughts by leaving me a comment.

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Three Things of You

When I was in my early 20s, I was walking down the street one day when an interesting idea came to me. I’d been contemplating self evolution (as usual) and had the realization that each of us has 3 components to our beings:

The physical, the intellectual and the emotional (now I would add a 4th- spiritual).

Of these three aspects of self, we all have an affinity toward one as the area in which we feel most comfortable. So, for example, an athlete who works out daily and relishes in his routine is clearly most at ease in the physical realm.

I, on the other hand, am most relaxed in the emotional realm and love to talk about how I feel, to understand what I’m sensing and process that. Lots of people prefer the intellectual realm – those who love ideas and enjoy analysis and debate.

We all have one area of preference, then a secondary one in which we are also at ease or, at the very least, neutral and then one that we may try to avoid because it feels so incredibly uncomfortable.

For me, my painful realm is the physical.

And at 24 or so, when I had this realization, I was struggling with my weight and hating my figure. My body was the enemy, why would I even want to be in it? It was fat, bloated, uncomfortable, embarrassing. I tended to just ignore it.

After I started thinking about these three aspects of self, I realized that in order to be balanced, I had to move into the area of discomfort- for that is where the opportunity for growth lies- AND in doing that we heal ourselves.

You can imagine that I did this kicking and screaming.

The last thing I wanted was to be in my body, to make it real and feel it. But I did.

Perhaps because I was willing to do this it helped me let go of my eating disorder, I don’t know. But what I do know is that being in my body changed me.

It’s kind of a funny thing. All the time I thought it would be scary and painful but once I made the commitment to do it, (it was a gradual process) my life indeed became more balanced.

I was able to actualize ideas and thoughts rather than just have them spin around and around in my head.

Being in my body grounded me and allowed me to be even more present.

Twenty years later I’m definitely more balanced and have worked hard over that time to be in my body, do physical exercise and engage on a physical level.

I still work at it. My mind plays tricks on me and the wall of resistance is there. I’ve just gotten better at not listening to it and doing it anyway.

Here’s a great example. In my early 20s, I wanted to exercise to help me lose weight but I mostly didn’t. I thought about it all the time but just never actualized it. One day my father said to me, “you’d already be done with your run if you’d just gone and done it instead of constantly thinking about it.”

But that’s where I was then. Now, I just go and do it. I still don’t relish it, I still have to force myself BUT exercise helps me be in my body. I feel so much better emotionally too when I exercise (who would’ve thought!)

Think about yourself. What is your primary and secondary area of strength and which one is your challenge area?

What is the one you avoid out of fear or old beliefs? Maybe you hear stories in your head like, “I’m not smart” or “I’m a bad student.” Maybe it’s “People always tell me I’m cold or heartless.” Or perhaps it’s “Hike that hill? No way, I’m terrible at physical exercise.”

Here’s an email message I got the other day that inspired this blog:

One way to work on yourself is by being present in the body. Another way is by expanding the heart. A third way is by quieting the mind. The wise person finds a way to work on all three at the same time. (Understanding the Enneagram, 327)

Isn’t that what I was just saying?

Identifying your area of strength and also what to work on can help you better understand yourself. Moving into the discomfort even though it feels scary at first, is so rewarding and ultimately incredibly balancing. As you brave it, you’ll find yourself feeling even more like you!

So try it and let me know how it goes. What’s your area of strength? Tell me about it in a comment below.

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Keeping Yourself on Track

It’s so easy to look at other people and feel like they’re way more motivated than I am. Other people seem to get so much done while I can often feel like it takes me ages. Ever feel like that?

Over the years, my self-motivation has definitely ebbed and flowed. There’ve been times when I’ve been really unmotivated. Mostly during those times I was an avoider- checking out and not wanting to deal with my life- with the stress and with pushing through.

Nowadays I really work on finishing what I’ve started. Why? Because I had the realization that it isn’t until I actually finish something that I have a breakthrough. So if I say yes, I do my best to accomplish it.

In thinking about staying on track, I realized there are a few strategies I use that might help you! Here are some of the ways I keep myself motivated – even when I don’t want to!

Shakti’s Top 5 Strategies for Staying Motivated

1.     Schedule Yourself & Make Sure to Take Breaks

These days I schedule my whole week and what I plan to do each day. Some mornings I look at my list and think, “ugh, I don’t really want to work on my website today.” But then, because I’ve scheduled it, I start doing it and soon my resistance clears and I find I’m enjoying myself! I can’t work for too many hours in a row without taking a break though. Not only do my legs need a re-adjustment but so does my brain. Breaks help keep the creative juices flowing.

2.     Be Realistic About What You Can Get Done

When I first started scheduling myself, it was a little like lesson planning. I always overdid it. Fortunately I knew ahead of time that I might not get everything done so I wasn’t upset- more like –“oh, so this is how much I can reasonably get done in 4 hours.” Now I schedule more realistically.

3.     Go the Distance

Think marathon, not sprint. Many people start strong only to peter out and then drop out. When I want to quit, I often think about Aesop’s fable, The Tortoise and the Hare. The tortoise was so slow and plodding but won the race. My inclination is to be more like the hare and run and leap and fly and then crash. Knowing this about myself, I recognize when I have creative bursts and take advantage of them just as I give myself down time when I need it but I’m always on the look out for that finish line. It helps me get back up- knowing that’s the goal- and I’m gonna get there.

4.     Ask for Help

When you feel like you’re flagging or down, discouraged or wanting to quit- reach out. There are sooo many people around you all the time who love and support you and truly want you to succeed. So don’t be afraid to reach out. Friends can lend moral support, help with chores or provide ideas. Colleagues can provide guidance and assistance. We often forget that we are not alone- all we have to do is ask and it is given.

5.     Celebrate the Small Victories

A successful strategy I used while going through social work school, was to focus ONLY on what was right in front of me – my current 2 or 3 classes- and their work load. This helped me avoid the pitfall of overwhelm if I looked at everything I would have to do. Chunking it down to 12 weeks made the workload doable and felt manageable. When a semester was over, I celebrated! And before I knew it, I was done!

Alright, so there’s my 5 tips. Let me know if they help YOU!

Leave me a comment BELOW. Tell me what helps you stay motivated.

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The Ugly Twins – Guilt & Shame

Probably two of the most painful culprits in the emotional arsenal are guilt and shame. These two can seriously wreak havoc on us. It wasn’t until I read Brené Brown's work that I fully understand the difference between them AND how to let go of one and positively utilize the other.

Guilt is the feeling we have when we know we’ve done something wrong or hurt another. We feel bad about our actions. Perhaps I yelled at my daughter in an unkind way or I forgot to leave a tip for the waiter. My action results in me feeling guilty.

Guilt can act as a reminder for right or wrong.

It’s like an internal morality indicator, letting you know if something you’ve done goes against your value system. Brené Brown writes, “[Guilt] is an uncomfortable feeling, but one that’s helpful. The psychological discomfort, something similar to cognitive dissonance, is what motivates meaningful change.”

Overall, when we experience guilt, it can propel us to make amends and change our behavior and so is seen as a potentially positive force.

Obviously taken to the extreme, guilt can be harmful and is especially destructive if we attempt to “guilt” another person, as in making someone feel bad if they don’t do what I want them to do.

Shame, on the other hand, is the internalization of wrongdoing with the interpretation not that my actions were wrong (that’s guilt) but that I’m a bad person because I’ve done this – (yelling, stiffing the waiter.) Then the berating, negative self-talk ensues. “How could I have done that? I’m so stupid, bad, a terrible mother…”

According to Brown, “…shame corrodes the very part of us that believes we can change and do better…” Shame harms us in that moment and her research indicates that, “shame is highly correlated with addiction, violence, aggression, depression, eating disorders and bullying.”

Shame is the voice of “I’m not good enough. I’m not lovable.”

It is who we become when we feel not enough. It is the choices we make to escape, check out, hurt ourselves or hurt others.

Because we’ve all been shamed in our lives and believed it, we now walk around feeling less than, feeling flawed, feeling like we are works in progress instead of wholly loved, talented, incredible beings.

As Brown notes, “Shame is so painful for children because it is inextricably linked to the fear of being unlovable. For young children who are still dependent on their parents for survival- for food, shelter and safety- feeling unlovable is a threat to survival. It’s trauma. I’m convinced that the reason most of us revert back to feeling childlike and small when we’re in shame is because our brain stores our early shame experiences as trauma, and when it’s triggered we return to that place.”

Now that we know more about shame and guilt, we can choose to listen to those old stories about who we are or make new ones. In the 25 years I’ve been working on myself, I see more and more clearly how simple it actually is. In fact, it comes down to one concept – are you ready?

Self-acceptance.

That’s it!

All the words of criticism I heard growing up made me think I wasn’t enough and hell, I wasn’t ever going to be enough. But really, whose words were those? Those were the words my father said to himself, my mother said to herself, my stepfather said to himself, and on and on and on. It really was never about me, I just mistakenly thought it was.

Now I know it isn’t.

As one of my favorite teachers, Dr. Robert Holden says, “no amount of self-improvement can make up for a lack of self acceptance.”

So there it is – self acceptance is the shame-buster.

It starts right here, right now by saying to myself, “Shakti, I totally love and accept you. Right now, just as you are. Just as I am.”

Okay, now it’s your turn. Let me know how it goes.

How have you experienced guilt and shame? Share with me by leaving a comment below! 

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Enough is Enough!

Growing up in a family where conditional love reigned, it was easy to never feel good enough. My role was to be perfect, then I’d receive love. My sister was the "problem child" so consequently, the message I got was that I wasn't allowed to be in need, melting down or falling apart.

I had to be together and became a master at pretending I was when underneath I felt totally insecure and inadequate.

The way I navigated around New York City then was a good analogy for how I managed my life as a teen and young adult. I’d get off the bus at the Port Authority which, in the 1980s, was pretty shady. The area was still chock full of XXX movie theaters, prostitutes, petty criminals and other nefarious types. I’d walk confidently even when I was lost. Part of me knew it was a good coping mechanism, to act like I knew where I was going. Another part of me was simply used to donning the mask-“I know what I’m doing” even when the scared little girl underneath didn’t.

Because of the role I chose to play as a child, I never felt good about me, that I was enough just the way I was.

I had to be who you wanted me to be in order to be loved. I had to be thinner, more organized, responsible.

It felt like there was a hole in the center of me, a hole I was always trying to fill up – with food, with drugs, with boys, with travel. But no matter how much I tried, it was still there until I finally surrendered to God and to me, to accepting me just for me. As I did this, the hole was suddenly filled up with love, love of myself.

Or put another way, the recognition that I was indeed loveable just for being me.

This process took a while and pressed me to let go of a lot of my old beliefs about myself, my family and how to give and get love. And, like everything, lack still rears its ugly head from time to time. Especially on days when I don’t feel like doing anything (ever have one of those?) The voice inside says, “don’t be so lazy. Do something. Be productive. At the very least go for a run or water the plants…”

Those moments are opportunities to catch myself and remember my new orientation.

I can stop and say, “Can you see what’s going on, how you’re talking to yourself? How does that feel? Is it okay just to be who you are right now, to accept yourself just the way you are right now?”

And to remember that I’m enough just the way I am.

Yesterday I was in the supermarket waiting to check out and was perusing the magazine headlines when my eye came across More. I smiled remembering a conversation I’d had with a friend a few years ago. She’d said, “Why isn’t there a magazine called Enough?” As the words left her mouth, I knew she was right. Because not only do we get messages of inadequacy from our family we get way more from society.

It tells us we need more- more money, more clothing, more furnishings, more beauty, more Botox, more, more, more. When is it enough?

My answer is when we decide.

From decades of self searching, healing and studying, I’ve realized that it all comes down to one simple thing, self-acceptance. The more that I love and accept myself, the more life opens to me, love is attracted to me and I am connected to the divine energy of the Universe.

So what’s your decision, are you enough?

Have you ever felt lacking? Share your story by leaving a comment below. 

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Getting From Almost to Always

Ever noticed how just when you're about to finish something- a project, a goal, the finish line, you want to quit? And it takes as much effort to do that last final push as it did to do all the work to get there combined!

This is something I've seen happen in my life again and again. I notice it when I go for my morning run. Toward the end, I just want to stop and walk and I have to push through and force myself to "finish strong."

Or maybe I spend hours working on an article and then never actually send it to the publisher. Sound familiar? We all do it - in subtle or more obvious ways. And once we know this is a potential pitfall for success, how do we get ourselves to push through?

From a developmental perspective, what's going on is that we're expanding ourselves.

It isn't until the completion of something that we gain a sense of accomplishment, satisfaction and breakthrough. When we prevent ourselves from finishing, we cheat ourselves of that expansion, that new skill acquisition or accomplishment, landing us back where we started.

So, if we know this trait may pop up in our lives, how do we deal with it?

Try these 4 simple steps and see if they help:

1. Finish Big

Set your mind on a big splash at the end. For many joggers, this is a sprint done just as they're approaching the end of a run. Have a party to celebrate an accomplishment or even just do a little happy dance. When we honor ourselves for breaking through, it creates more momentum and motivation to keep doing it.

2. Be Gentle

Sometimes our self talk can be really scolding or harsh. The voice might say something like: "You're so lazy, why can't you just finish that paper?" or "Seriously, you're not gonna send that email after all the work you did?" or "Who do you think you are anyway? Why would someone want what you have to offer?" These self-defeating statements harm us and can prevent us from doing what we know is best for us - because when we stretch ourselves it's scary. Being gentle can really help. Try something like, "I know this is hard but you can do it." or "Maybe you're afraid and that's okay." or "Just run to the end of the road."

3. Ask for help

Maybe it's hard because I'm not really sure what to do. In this instance, I can ask for clarity, guidance or support. Is there a person in my network who can offer assistance? We're often afraid to ask for help because we think we should know how or that we might look ignorant. What I've found when I'm willing to be humble, is that people are so happy to help me and through that process I learn even more AND feel better.

4. Accountability

Often one of the best ways to complete things is to be accountable to someone else. This can be a super motivator for a number of reasons. First, we don't want to look bad or flakey in front of others. We also don't want them to be disappointed or angry. We might even lose a job or not get paid. This is why people hire personal trainers, life coaches and mentors.

So, the next time you get almost done, don't abandon ship, push through it and use these steps to help. You'll be amazed at how great it feels to accomplish what you set out to do and it will energize and motivate you. After all, success breeds success!

How do YOU get from almost to always? Share what works for you!

Leave a comment BELOW!

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What's Fear Got To Do With It?

About 25 years ago when I was just starting to find my career path, I had an interesting experience with fear.

I was living in Hong Kong working at a knitwear factory. I really hated my job but being 10,000 miles away from my family and friends, making a change felt scary. (This was pre-internet days.) I finally mustered up the courage to quit after 6 or 7 months but then had to figure out what to do.

After spending a LONG time thinking about it, writing a list of what I needed to have in my life and then realizing I didn't speak Cantonese, I ended up applying for teaching jobs.

Somehow I knew I was going to get one and before the summer was over, had an offer from an international high school teaching English and art. It was my first "real" job where I wasn't answering the phone or running errands. I even had my own mailbox in the office. Best yet, I got to read books all day! The two weeks before school started were great, I organized my classroom and outlined the textbooks, deciding what to do and when.

I was excited until the night before the students arrived and classes actually began. That's when it suddenly dawned on me that my new job was public speaking all day every day and I had a panic attack. I quickly left my apartment, took the elevator downstairs and went out for a walk.

Statistics indicate that people are consistently more afraid of public speaking than dying and that night I was one of them.

In high school, I lost my voice and throughout college tended to hide, was quiet and often sat in the back. I was smart and engaged but was always afraid of sharing my thoughts. At the end of my senior year I had to prepare an oral presentation and teach the class about a specific painting. For weeks I dreaded it and despite encouragement from my closest friend, was petrified. This was ALL I could think about as I walked off my panic attack that balmy September evening. Maybe I should quit, find another job, leave Hong Kong...

And then a new thought hit me and here's what it said: "What you are experiencing is just fear. Fear is an emotion, nothing else. So, can you do this anyway even though you're afraid?"

My logical mind started processing that idea. Just an emotion, huh? Well sure, I can do this anyway, can't I? And I did. 

What I didn't realize then was that was my first attempt at managing fear. I think a lot of people including myself think courage is the absence of fear or that courageous people aren't scared. What I've come to understand is that we are all afraid, it's the human experience. The key is in the managing of it. Or put another way, do you manage fear or does fear manage you?

Sometimes we experience fear and it can prevent us from living fully or genuinely engaging in life. Like my story, I was afraid because I was moving into something I'd never done before. Even though this is a natural response, we can allow that fear to hold us hostage, preventing us from moving through it. I could have impulsively quit my job, not shown up and gone running home instead.

But sometimes fear also serves us well. Like the feeling we have about a place or person. We get a "vibe" and that's a good kind of fear, the kind that acts as a warning, to remind us to be aware. 

Our job is to recognize when fear is helping us and when it might be hindering us.

Either way, it's a warning about change - good or bad. We can embrace fear as our friend and take it by the hand, recognizing its job is to keep us safe. We need to evaluate the situation and determine the best course of action. Is fear protecting me or preventing me from growing? Then we can respond appropriately. "Thanks I'll make a different choice" or "Thanks but I'm going to do this anyway." Which is what I did when I walked into the classroom the next day. I took a deep breath and never looked back.

How do you manage fear?

Leave a comment, I'd love to hear from you!

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Healthy Anti-Anxiety Medication That Works!

Everyone I know is stressed. We all have too much to do. Responsibilities at work pile up- the barrage of emails, phone calls, appointments. Then there's home. Kids need new sneakers, dental appointments, parent/teacher conferences. The list never ends. Home repairs, yoga class, and heaven forbid, an actual date!

If we're not careful life can blur by, our minds a state of chaotic frenzy. The pace of life seems to be increasing too and we move faster and faster. Until what?

No wonder most Americans are stressed. According to the National Institute of Mental Health, the United States is now the most anxious nation in the world.

I used to fall into the crazed trap, running around like a maniac, heart racing, never feeling like I'd ever manage, let alone catch up. Stupidly, I continually added to my To Do List without taking anything off OR asking for help. Then one day I just ran out of steam. It was January, 2011. For seven years I'd been running a school while raising two girls. I went back to school in 2008 which soon involved internships of nearly 20 hours a week. Then I had sick family members to care for and, after I graduated in December, 2010, was simply done.

It wasn't until I finally stopped that I began to see how insane my life had become. Now it was time for me to re-evaluate and redefine how I wanted to show up in the world.

Here's what I decided:

1. Meditation is Key 

I had always been meditating which is probably how I managed to get everything done in the first place but I renewed my commitment to silence and to giving the gift of communing with God to myself. 

2. New Email Attitude

In Authentic Success, Robert Holden says, "you're inbox will be full even when you're dead." When I read that, a light bulb went off. "Wow! Now I won't feel pressured to read and answer everything." I unsubscribed from lists significantly reducing the quantity of emails I received. Then I scheduled times to actually read them rather than constantly being distracted by the inbox throughout the day.

3. Self Love is ALWAYS the Answer

I observed how many of my tasks were oriented towards others and felt obligatory rather than celebratory. Much of what I was doing was about getting attention and love (notice how much I got done today? Aren't you impressed? See how much I love you- I did this and this and this...) I made a list of everything I did and re-prioritized based on ME and what I now wanted in my life.

4. 80/20 Yeah, Baby

There is simply no way to get everything done and it is super easy to fall into overwhelm. In my attempt to avoid that awful place, I now try to choose wisely. I look at everything that purportedly needs to get done and pick the MOST important tasks.

5. Play Time

Schedule time just to have fun, whatever that means to you (because there's always more to do). For me, that's getting into a good novel, being in nature,  doing art work or traveling. Play is re-energizing and allows for creative flow. 

6. Leave Work AT Work

This is my super biggy. It's about reclaiming balance so that work doesn't consume and take over (you know it will). Conscientiously CLOSE your computer. Don't answer the phone. Take the evening to unwind, have a conversation with your daughter or husband. Maybe even enjoy a glass of wine! 

These 6 life style modifications have enabled me to live more joyfully, less stressed and are great healthy alternatives to medication! 

Let me know what YOU think. What's your way of de-stressing? Share in the comments. I SO want to know what works for you.

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Never Do THIS in Your Romantic Relationship

Have you ever gotten into a fight and been so angry with your partner that you wanted to walk out the door? Your whole body is tense, heart is pumping, mind whizzing and you're just plain seething mad?

How then do you lie down in bed together? Do you turn over, back towards your partner and sleep as close to your side of the bed as possible? Do you choose not to sleep in the bedroom but opt instead for the couch? 

What's it like for you in the morning after a night like that? Are you still angry? Angrier? Hurt? Upset?

Then what happens? Is there any resolution or does life move on, the origin of the fight forgotten (or buried) and it's back to the daily routine.

How about trying something different?

How about NOT going to bed angry? 

I know it's hard. Especially if you're a big cry baby like me. Once I start, it can be impossible to hold back the emotional flood. Sometimes it's so bad that the words can't even come out. I hiccup and choke, then there's the constant stream of snot. Not pretty BUT effective. 

Here's why we have to talk - because when we fight with someone we love what we really feel underneath is hurt. Hurt that they can't see our point of view, hurt that they might think badly of us, maybe even mad at ourselves for hurting them and that hurts. It's the sting of disappointment.

Lately when these episodes have come up for me, it's been around my partner's inability to see my side of a story or believe my viewpoint. This can be super frustrating partly because I hate feeling misunderstood. And if I'm not careful, I quickly fall down the rabbit hole of victim - "why can't anyone understand me" or my defenses go up and it's "f*** you then."

But if I can take a step back and instead of feeding my need to be right, I can say. "You know, I'm feeling attacked right now by your response" or "I really feel like you cannot hear me right now."

Then I have to also attempt to recognize my role in it. Am I being genuine or unrealistic? Am I just picking a fight because I'm in a bad mood? Between these two strategies, I can usually de-escalate myself and the situation.

Choosing to talk instead of avoiding (and staying mad) is the brave path. We have to swallow our pride, overcome feeling wounded and speak up. YOUR relationship is worth it. Every time I do this, it strengthens my marriage. Otherwise those unsaid words and hurt feelings build up. And brick by emotional brick, they create a wall between you and the one you love most. So, be brave and open up. Share when you're angry and resolve it. Be willing to talk about the fight, own your part. Help your partner own theirs and go to bed in peace.

Can you relate to any of this? Share with me!

Tell me what you found successful. How do you overcome anger and conflict? Leave a comment!

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It's All About Trust

A few months ago, right around the New Year, I wrote about Robert Holden's idea of choosing one word to be your guide for the year. A word that you could contemplate, evaluate and ideally embrace this year, 2014.

My word is trust.

Four months into my exploration with this word, I have come to see its many manifestations in my life.

For one, I will confess to not being terribly trusting - of myself, of others, of the future. All of this lack of trust is from my past, from not feeling supported or nurtured, and from thinking the world is an unsafe place. I have worked on this for a decade but am determined to shed my lack of trust this year. And this resolution has gotten me thinking about all the ways it manifests in my life.

Whether we want to believe it or not, trust defines our lives. It is how we view everything and our place in it.

Do I trust myself and my inner knowing? 

What about the future?

Is the Universe benevolent and supportive?

Can I open up and trust my partner?

As I do this exploration, I am reminded of how trust transformed my love life.

When I was in my mid 30s, my marriage fell apart. I was as much to blame as my husband. I was naive and hadn't spent enough time nurturing our connection together. Instead, I allowed life to constantly get in the way and focused too much of my attention on my career and my children. 

After that, I decided I was done with relationships and would devote my life to God (and my kids). I wasn't going to pursue another love partner. But, as the Universe typically works, we find love when we least expect it. This time, though, he and I were determined to do things differently, and as part of that made a commitment of total honesty and truth to one another. It was the first time in my life that I allowed myself to open up to someone and show them ALL of me - the parts I liked and was proud of, and the parts I disliked and was ashamed of. And here's what happened, I didn't get rejected. In fact one night he told me, "when you share like that with me, it makes me love you even more."

What!?!?!?

Yup. 

As he and I walked through this new love I started to see that as I opened up and trusted him, I trusted myself more, I trusted God more. It was like this relationship was the gateway to trust and all the lines ran parallel. I opened to him, and everything else expanded.

In sharing this story, I am describing what Brene Brown writes in Daring Greatly about our willingness to be vulnerable. That's why we're afraid of trust - because it means we have to be vulnerable and we might get hurt. We are exposing ourselves. But, as she writes, "we need to feel trust to be vulnerable and we need to be vulnerable in order to trust."

Relationships are a great place to start. So try it. Choose one thing to share with your partner. One fear or desire. Maybe it's something you never told anyone before. How will you say it? Is there a good time? You'll know.

And then, tell us what happened! Leave a comment about your story or let me know what you thought of mine!

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The Best Lesson I Ever Learned About Relationships

I've always been a romantic from the time I was a little girl. I bought it all, thinking that I'd be rescued from my unhappy situation, that somehow I'd meet the love of my dreams, and live happily ever after. As part of my fantasy, I was hooked on the idea of falling in love even though I don't know that I had any idea of what love actually was.

For years I harbored my romantic dream. My life's journey took me through many cities and some wonderful relationships. I have to admit, I have been pretty darn lucky!  But it wasn't until I was ready to give up entirely that I finally got it. My fantasy had finally popped and I was face to face with my own unhappiness and was now a single mother. I decided I was officially done with romance, done with relationships, done with love.

It seems that I have an ironic agreement with God. I always think I know what's best. I try and try and try then invariably fail. After that I give up totally, put my life in God's hands and (ironically) God then provides it.

And here is the secret I wish I'd learned when I was 13: be friends first. 

I know it sounds super simple and I suppose it is but simple can be true and simple can be real and simple can lead you everywhere you want to go.

So, what do I mean when I say be friends first? Here is what I mean - 

Hot and heavy is short lived. 

When we get real with ourselves we know it's true. Sex is great but that intense physical attraction isn't sustainable in the long run. 

Sharing interests is. Having fun together is. Enjoying one another's company is. 

Not long ago I was talking to a friend of mine who is always looking for love and is chronically disappointed. This was my advice to him. Be friends first. Because even if your sex life is INCREDIBLE, it isn't happening 24 hours a day (be honest) BUT you are in an emotional relationship with someone 24 hours a day. And it makes a HUGE difference when that person is your confidante, best friend, most fun playmate AND lover.

Don't believe me? Look around. Who do you know that's in a romantic relationship and is happy, fulfilled, growing? My guess is it's couples who really value one another, genuinely care about each other and relish spending time together.

So, the next time you find yourself looking for Mr. (or Mrs. Right), think about being his or her friend first. Take it slowly. Get to know one another and allow that love to grow naturally. You might just be amazed.

What have you found successful in your relationships? Leave a comment, let's start a dialog!

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