Holidays with Healthy Boundaries: 3 Tips

Thanksgiving’s passed and Chanukah, Yule (or the winter solstice), and Christmas are around the corner. This time of year typically means lots of social gatherings. Which, although fun, can also be tense.

And the best way to deal with family and friends, is to have clear and firm boundaries.

What’s that?

An emotional boundary is about knowing what is and is not acceptable behavior for you.

Many of us grew up in families where boundaries were unclear or non-existent. So, as adults, we’ve either never had them or have had to learn how to create healthy ones.

Once you’ve established what your boundaries are, it’s then a matter of stating them aloud to friends and family.

Let’s say that an aunt who you’re somewhat close to wants to visit for 10 days. You’re finding yourself dreading it because it’s too long, you have a ton to do and it’ll be draining. Instead of saying yes out of guilt or obligation, you can simply explain that you host houseguests for a maximum of 5 nights (or whatever feels reasonable to you.)

Here’s another example.

Your close friend is chronically late and you’re always waiting 30+ minutes every time you agree to get together. Explain to him that this is hurtful, not to mention disrespecting of you, and an utter waste of your time. If he doesn’t value you enough, perhaps it’s time to find some new friends. 

After all, we teach people how to treat us.

As Eleanor Roosevelt so eloquently put it, “No one can make you feel inferior without your permission.”

Ready to have super clear boundaries? 

Here are 3 ways to help:

1. Tune in to You

Sometimes we’re really clear about what’s okay and not okay. Other times, it’s only after we’ve experienced something negatively when we realize that it didn’t feel good. 

Either way, take note and make changes.  

If it’s true that we teach people how to treat us, then we need to know exactly how we want to be treated! And then be explicit. 

2. Speak Up

Sometimes when we ask for what we need, we feel like we’re being selfish, or even a bitch. But establishing clear boundaries isn’t about being selfish. It’s about positive self-care AND ultimately, about being your best self.

Think about it. When you feel taken advantage of, are you in a good mood or a bad mood?

How about when you feel supported?

See what I mean?  

By expressing your needs, you’re putting it out there so that everyone knows and it’s transparent. 

And don’t be shy to ask for help! Many of us givers get stuck doing all the work. Ask some of those kids or cousins to don the latex gloves and scrub those pots!

3. Foster Respect

Boundaries are ultimately about respect. It’s me respecting your needs and you respecting mine.

It’s about honoring one another – our emotional and physical space.

And isn’t that a nicer way to live when we all feel respected?

Heck ya!

In this most wonderful holiday season, when excitement and cheer are abounding, be sure to also take good care of yourself with those clear boundaries. So that come January, you don’t feel drained and resentful, but instead, recharged and nourished.

Need a bit more?

Check out my latest audio course: 10 Strategies for Mastering Uncertainty on Insight Timer.

3 Practices for Everyday Gratitude

November is a great month to remind us of what we have, especially for those of us who live in the United States.

Thee first Tuesday is election day, when we get to give thanks that we live in a democracy and have the freedom to vote!

Then a week or so later, it’s the 11th, which marks the end of World War I across the world, and is celebrated here as Veteran’s Day. It’s a day to reflect on our painful past as well as to honor the men and women who have fought valiantly.

And then, of course, is Thanksgiving. 

Thanksgiving is, really a holiday of gratitude! A time to say thank you for all that we have.

Whether you have a gratitude practice or not, this time of year always super charges it or, if you’ve lapsed, gives you renewed inspiration to start again.

Here are 3 easy ways to incorporate gratitude into your day:

 1. Start the Day With A Thank You

When you begin the day, offer up a prayer of thanks. It can be for anything like - for your sleep, for the sunshine, for the opportunities this day will bring you.

I remember hearing Louise Hay talk about how every morning she thanked her bed for a wonderful sleep!

2. Express Thanks At Least Once During the Day

When I worked as a school administrator, much of my day was spent walking around and thanking the kids. For small acts like: opening the door, speaking kindly, cleaning up. It was my absolute delight to “catch them being good.”

Who can you thank? The bus driver, the wait staff, the customer service rep?

A simple thanks costs you nothing but is so rewarding to the one who hears it. 

3. Bed Time List

Right before you go to bed, reflect on your day. What are 3 things you’re grateful for that happened today? Think big, think small. Think profound. Think ordinary.

I especially love this habit. Maybe you are like I used to be, lying in bed thinking about all the things I didn’t get done. When I began this practice, it totally shifted that place of lack. And I was able to feel gratitude for everything I had accomplished and all that had transpired.

Enjoy your Thanksgiving! Eat lots of yummy things and sneak in a little extra gratitude, today and every day.

AND if you haven't already checked out my NEW course on Insight Timer - 10 Strategies for Mastering Uncertainty- now's your chance! Click Here

3 Tools to Manage Your Life Like A Boss

Feeling stressed or crazed because there's too much to do and not enough time to get it all done?

Our 24/7 world is taking a toll.

But if you’re ready to work smarter rather than longer or harder, I have 3 simple ways you can begin to do that RIGHT NOW.

Sound good?

1. The One Thing

This particular one has been my mantra for the past few years. It’s based on Gary Keller’s bestselling book of the same name.

He asks you to answer this question (and I’m paraphrasing), “What’s the 1 thing that if you do it, it will change your business/life?”

It might sound crazy, but I dare you to try it. 

When I did, I got an answer and it’s been the SAME for 3 years now!

What I like about this is that it gives you a focus, an orientation so you're 100% clear about where you’re going.

2. Take Action

Alright, so now that you know that ONE thing you need to do to move the needle in your life -be it your relationships, health, finance or in your business- the next question is, what action or actions can you take to move toward that goal?

Try and think of 3.

It’s okay if you only think of 1. 

Because when you’ve completed it, then you can do another one!

Here's an example: Let’s say you’ve decided the 1 thing you have to do is find a life partner. 

As you dive into that, you may discover that what you really want is to feel loved, connected and happy. So, instead of making your one thing finding a partner, it shifts to being happy.

So, what's an action step you can take right now to help you to feel more connected, loved and happy?

See how it works?

3. Prioritize

I’m a firm believer in less is more and that if you focus on the few key things, the rest takes care of itself. 

Some people call this the 80/20 rule. I’ve found that it’s more like 90/10. Either way, here’s how I’ve learned to deal with this.

After you’ve decided on the 1 thing and the action(s) you need to do, make a list of everything else that has to get done. I have a business list and a personal list. Because let’s face it. This modern life has a lot of demands.

Once you’ve got it all written down – and that’s important – WRITE IT DOWN, now start prioritizing. 

What has to get done first, second, third?

Years ago, I worked with a coach who wanted me go one step farther. I had to label everything that was priority as 1, then 2, etc. Then I went back through the list and put an a,b,c, etc. next to each number so I knew which one I had to do asap. 

Her system was super efficient and rocked which is why I pass it on to you.

It helps you see the major things that simply must get done.

But I digress...

Come back to the basics. If you only get 1 thing out of this email, do the first one. Choose the ONE thing that’s gonna make the biggest difference in your life.

And don’t act like you don’t know what it is, cuz you do. HINT: It may be the elephant in the room.

And I promise, that if you do, if you focus on that 1 thing, your life will begin to change in remarkable ways.

Try it and let me know how it goes.

AND if you haven't already checked out my NEW course on Insight Timer - 10 Strategies for Mastering Uncertainty- now's your chance! Click Here

Feeling Flawed? Think Again

“No amount of self-improvement can make up for a lack of self-acceptance.” – Dr. Robert Holden.

When I first heard Robert say this, I gasped.

And then I let it seep into my being. Because even though I was a life long self-improvement addict, I knew, not only was he right but that it was time for me to change.

How about you?

Been on the constant merry go round of self-improvement too?

Ready to get off and try another way?

Here are 3 easy to apply ways to move right into self-acceptance:

1. Open the Door

As the shame researcher Brené Brown has taught us, shame – or the qualities of ourselves that we hide– needs three things to survive:

• Silence

• Judgment

• Secrecy

We hide away all the aspects of ourselves we don’t want anyone else to see and pretend they aren’t there. Except we KNOW they are and we judge ourselves because of it.

After I read her book, Daring Greatly (which I highly recommend), I realized that we're ALL carrying around the SAME things that we’re ashamed about:

For women, the #1 shame trigger is our bodies (duh!)

For men it’s not being “manly” enough.

And the list goes from there. Lots of versions of not enough.

That got me thinking... why should I hide all these things away when everyone else has them too?

So now I let it all hang out. 😁

Shed the light on all the ways you think you’re less than. And be okay with ALL of it – how much you weigh, how “intelligent” you are, how socially awkward, how nerdy, how quirky...

Which leads me to number 2.

2. Embrace It All – the Good, the Bad & the Ugly

When you open the door, you get to see everything that you’ve been ignoring or not wanting anyone else to know about you. All those deep, dark secrets.

But as I just said, we seem to erroneously believe that we are alone having these awful fears of rejection, abandonment, being laughed at.

But all humans have them.

And the faster we can learn to love every aspect of us, not just the ways we are healthy and successful, but also the ways we are mean, petty, flaky, irresponsible and self-defeating, the faster we can open up to really loving and accepting ourselves.

In other words, truly open up to love.

Which means it’s time to affirm a new way of being.

3. Self-Acceptance Affirmation

To support yourself as you move into self-acceptance and self-love, try this affirmation:

“I love and accept myself just as I am. Right now, this moment.”

No matter what.

Oops, I just forgot to mail that letter.

Darn it, I ate another donut.

Didn’t get to the gym today.

Avoided making that call.

Whoever you are being in this moment, love it. Love you. Accept you.

You are made in God’s image. Whole. Perfect. Loved. Love.

When we can remember that, all judgment, silence and secrecy can melt away and we can truly bask in the light and love of who we really are, divine beings.

I see you loved, lovable and the embodiment of love.

I cherish everything about you and embrace you.

AND if you haven't already checked out my NEW course on Insight Timer - 10 Strategies for Mastering Uncertainty- now's your chance! Click Here

Time To Rage

Everywhere I look, women are getting beaten up. I suppose it was the week, between the Kavanaugh hearings in Washington DC, reading about Tara Fares’ brutal murder in Baghdad, the fifth such killing of outspoken women in Iraq in recent months. And then my own daughter feeling bullied at school.

Something in me just snapped.

Yes, these injustices have been going on for millennia, but it’s clearly time for a tidal shift.

And that means that all of us, YOU and I and the millions of other women around the world need to stand up and express ourselves, especially our anger.

If you’re ready, here are 3 tips:

1. Give Yourself Permission

As women we're socialized NOT to be angry. Or at least, not to show it. So instead, we swallow it down, right? You can feel it locked in your throat can’t you?

All of those unsaid words eat away at us. They manifest as depression, angst, sorrow or frustration, right?

What would it look like if you actually allowed yourself to rage and didn’t care?

Give yourself permission right now to be angry.

2. It’s Okay Even If You Cry

I don’t know about you, but when I’m red hot mad, it often involves tears. I just never knew that it was so common!

According to Rebecca Traister’s book, Good and Mad: The Revolutionary Power of Women’s Anger, when women get angry, we cry. She explains that it’s socially more acceptable for us to cry, and in most instances, it’s worked better for us in getting what we want because tears evoke compassion from men.

Whereas if we’re just raging, we’re likely to be dismissed as that “angry bitch” or worse.

I think there’s another reason we cry. Because we’re tapping into the collective pain of women who have been subjugated, raped, tortured and abused for thousands of years. And that pain causes us pain too.

Tears or not, I don’t think we have a choice anymore, but to show our anger.

Because anger is a kind of fuel – if used properly. It can propel us into action.

What are you angry about? Allow yourself to really feel it.

Yell. Scream. Do what you have to.
And then think about a concrete action you can take so that your daughters and granddaughters don't have to experience the same thing.

3. It’s Okay Even If You’re Conflict Averse

I was raised to be the good girl, to make peace. I HATED it when my sister and mom argued. It stressed me out.

So, imagine how awful it was for me to run a school and have to deal with upset parents? I ALWAYS wanted to avoid the conflict or have my partner handle it.

But alas, we have to fight our own battles.

I worked on reframing arguments and clearing old wounds and all of that helpful stuff. But the best tool I found for managing this is a Louise Hay affirmation. Here it is:

“Out of this situation only good will come. I see this being resolved for the highest good of everyone involved. I am safe.”

Sometimes I will say this statement, like it’s on repeat in my brain. Over and over again. And you know what’s really cool about it? It actually works! Every time I’ve used it, the outcomes have been incredibly satisfying for all parties!

So what do you say? Ready to express all of you?

It’s time for us to individually and collectively stand up for ourselves. The world desperately needs the women to stand up and take our power.

I’m ready. Are you?

Scared or not, we have to do this.

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Ready For A Miracle?

As you know, I’m a big fan of the book, A Course in Miracles (ACIM), which is often described as a self-study curriculum designed to help the reader experience personal transformation.

In Chapter 1, it literally defines miracles. (Isn’t that so cool!?) There are 50 points, or ways that miracles are described. I've chosen my top 5 to share here:

1. Miracles occur naturally as expressions of love. The real miracle is the love that inspires them. In this sense everything that comes from love is a miracle. (3)

That last sentence is balm to my heart, the gentle reminder that love heals all.

I recently listened to a podcast in which they quoted from Martin Luther King’s 1967 speech to the 11th Convention of the Southern Christian Leadership Conference. In it he said,

“…I know that love is ultimately the only answer to mankind's problems. And I'm going to talk about it everywhere I go. I know it isn't popular to talk about it in some circles today. And I'm not talking about emotional bosh when I talk about love; I'm talking about a strong, demanding love. For I have seen too much hate. I've seen too much hate on the faces of sheriffs in the South. I've seen hate on the faces of too many Klansmen and too many White Citizens Councilors in the South to want to hate, myself, because every time I see it, I know that it does something to their faces and their personalities, and I say to myself that hate is too great a burden to bear. I have decided to love. If you are seeking the highest good, I think you can find it through love."

Talk about a miracle worker.

2. Prayer is the medium of miracles. It is a means of a communication of the created with the Creator. Through prayer love is received, and through miracles love is expressed. (11)

In other words, don’t underestimate the power of prayer! Everything is mind, and everything is being created by mind. So, use your thoughts, and prayers to open up to the Oneness, and co-create exactly what you want life to be, full of peace, love, solidarity, kindness, and respect.

3. Miracles are teaching devices for demonstrating it is as blessed to give as to receive. They simultaneously increase the strength of the giver and supply strength to the receiver. (16)

If this isn’t a universal spiritual principle, what is? In every major world religion, from Christianity to Buddhism, we hear this, right? And yet, it’s good to be constantly reminded.

4. Miracles reawaken the awareness that the spirit, not the body, is the altar of truth. This is the recognition that leads to the healing power of the miracle. (20)

Part of our job is to always remember that we are spirit beings having a human experience. We feel trapped and limited when that thinking is reversed. This definition of a miracle is an invitation to remember who you truly are.

5. A major contribution of miracles is their strength in releasing you from your false sense of isolation, deprivation and lack. (42)

The core of our pain is that we feel alone, lost, or disconnected. When we remember that this is absolutely NOT true, it invites us to reconnect to the One-ness, the refuge of being part of it all.

As ACIM reminds us, “If you knew Who walked beside you at all times; On this Path that you have chosen; You could never experience fear or doubt again.”

So what do you say? Ready to embrace your new role as a miracle worker?

Say yes!

Not only will it transform your life but the entire world, and we really need that right now. I can’t even go outside because the smoke from the wildfires is so thick!

Not only is your soul shouting for this shift, so is our planet. It’s time for us to up-level our collective consciousness!

Will you help?

I’m all in and right here with ya.
So stay in touch!

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Life Lessons From the Boat

Ever been on a sports team? Softball? Basketball? Frisbee?

People make light of sports but being on the crew team in high school changed my life.

Even though I’d been active as a child both at summer camp and with dance lessons, I was intimidated by sports at boarding school. All the kids were EXPERTS having played squash, tennis, or field hockey forever.  There was no way I could compete with that level of mastery.

But sometime mid-winter of my junior year, my mother encouraged me to try out for crew.

So I signed up, sat at an ergometer machine – which I had NO idea how to use- and a month later, found myself at spring training at Rollins College in Florida.

After a week of blisters, jogs, and sweaty workouts in the boats, I was the only one cut from the team.

Feeling completely rejected, I signed up for lacrosse and was busy trying to learn how to cradle the ball one afternoon when my crew coach approached.

Shockingly, a girl had quit the team and I was on!

My coach, Mark McWhinney with me at graduation.

Before I knew it, I was rowing every day, working out and traveling to regattas on the weekends. I’d be lying if I claimed crew wasn’t stressful. The next year, despite having chronic bronchitis, I rowed in the varsity boat and ended the season an undefeated New England champion.

But – winning or losing- crew taught me so much about life.

Rowing’s one of those weird sports. When you watch from the sidelines, it looks so graceful and elegant, boats gliding along in the water. But inside, it’s an entirely different perspective. All you see is the back of the person in front of you, and you just grind away, in absolute agony, praying that you’re almost done.

That was my first lesson, you can do more that you think you can.

I never considered myself terribly strong or capable. In fact, if you’d told me my senior year that my team was going to be undefeated, I would have laughed and said, “No way!”

Because at boarding school, all I ever felt was inadequate. Everybody there was way smarter than me, more athletic, and clearly capable of handling the stress so much better than I was. The recurring image I have when I think about my time there, is of me treading water, trying desperately to keep my head above the water.

But clearly I was capable of so much more. Yes, there were races where my legs hurt so bad that I thought I couldn’t keep going, that I simply had to stop. And yet I didn’t.

Why not? Because I’d be letting all of my teammates down.

Sometimes it takes a willingness to sacrifice yourself to a larger goal.

Which brings me to the second thing I learned: it isn't about me.

I had to surrender myself to be a part of the boat.

In this way, crew is the ultimate team sport. If everyone sitting in that shell is not completely in sync with one another, the boat isn’t balanced, someone will catch a crab, and you can actually grind to a halt.

Instead, when you, as one of nine people, work in complete harmony with each other, listen and feel, and do your job perfectly, the boat practically levitates off the water.

It’s true. And when you feel that, it’s magic.

With good coaching, preparation and concentration, it’s amazing what can be accomplished.

This was the third lesson, the power of preparation.

My coach was serious. Daily, we were on the river, doing drills, mock racing and working out in the boathouse. Every day we were required to give 100%.

When we’d arrive at regattas, he wouldn’t allow us to socialize, we were there to “work.” No chatting with the other teams, heck, we could barely talk to our families! As a team, we were required to wear our uniforms- clean and crisp, white and blue. Then, when we were ready to race, we had a specific routine about how we put the boat in the water and even how we carried our oars.

The preparation we undertook was extremely physical but it was also mental.

In fact, before a race would start, we’d often do a guided visualization. One Saturday afternoon, we were huddled by the side of a lake at St Andrews School in Delaware. Our coxswain laid out the race, first by telling us what lane we were in, who was next to us, etc. I closed my eyes and saw us right in the middle. Blow by blow, she led us through the race.

A half hour later, we were in the boat and the gun went off. Because I sat in the bow, I had the most expansive view, and what transpired was exactly what we had visualized. Not only did we win, but the way the boats spread out… it was uncanny. 

At another regatta in Philadelphia, I sat under a bridge, waiting for the race to start. Cars whizzed by overhead. I was so nervous. This was a giant regatta, high stakes. That’s when I realized I’d stopped breathing and the race hadn’t even started!

This was yet another lesson, to breathe.

Breathing is critical. It oxygenates your body and keeps your muscles from cramping.

I’d stopped breathing because I was so scared. I had to consciously force myself to inhale and exhale and then BANG! We were off.

To this day, I remind myself to breathe.

Sports can really make a difference in life. Despite feeling less than and not terribly capable or athletic, even I succeeded at it. Of course I had supportive teammates and an excellent coach.

In many ways my years at boarding school were some of the hardest of my life, but crew really saved me. Not only did it teach me so many life lessons, it got my off campus every weekend, allowed me to feel successful AND be a part of a team.

What about you? What’s your sport or what great advice did you receive from a coach?

Leave a comment under the blog!

And it isn’t too late! What fun activity can you get involved with today? Pickleball? Tai Chi? Horseback riding?

Having fun and staying active keeps us young. So go have some fun today!

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3 Ways To Tackle Fear of the Future

Afraid of what's to come?

You aren't alone.

The other day, I was talking with a 20 year-old who's moving to Nepal for 6-months. She’ll live with a family, learn the language, and be fairly isolated (as most host families don’t have internet.)

“Sounds like when I lived overseas!" I replied, laughing. "Those were the days of snail mail and expensive phone calls.”

But I also knew her fear – the fear of going someplace completely foreign, being thousands of miles away from friends and family- being alone.

She admitted that when she’d first learned about the trip something inside of her urged her on. The more she learned, the more she wanted to do it, until she was actually facing getting on the airplane.

Has that ever happened to you?

Your soul, intuition, inner guidance knows exactly what you need but then another part of you – your ego, learned self…- gets afraid?

As the Buddhist nun, Pema Chodron reminds us “fear is a natural reaction to moving closer to truth.”

So when you feel that inner battle about doing what’s right, here are 3 ways to help:

1. Acknowledge Your Mixed Feelings

When we allow ourselves to honor the inner conflict, we create room for possibility. 

It’s okay to have mixed emotions about something, even something you’re SUPER excited about!

With every growth opportunity, comes a death, a death of an old way of thinking or being.

When I was a junior in college, I was doing way too many drugs and had fallen into a co-dependent relationship. One day, I heard a voice tell me that I was killing myself with drugs. I knew it was true and I had to stop. Next thing I knew the voice was also reminding me that I’d lost a sense of myself that I needed to reclaim.

I decided to study in Italy for the semester.

My inner knowing knew exactly what I needed but absolutely NO part of me wanted to go. In fact, I cried on the flight to Rome.

BUT being away gave me exactly what I needed, the time and space to live cleanly and come back to myself.

2. Do It Anyway

Just because you’re of two minds about something doesn’t mean you should hold back.

You’re being called to move, to take action, to be brave. So go for it. As a coaching friend of mine likes to say, “just f*cking do it!”

We never lose when we try to expand who we are as human beings. It doesn’t mean it’s always easy, but it’s most always worth it.

3. Stay Open Minded

One common way to manage anxiety is to decide in advance what might happen. But how do you really know?

Instead of allowing fear to sabotage your plans by naming all the things that could go wrong, think about the vast world of possibility.

It’s often the case that we don’t know what we don’t know.

Haven’t you ever looked back at something with absolute awe, almost in disbelief because you never could have imagined that particular outcome?

This is exactly what I’m getting at – sometimes from the present vantage point, we can’t even fathom the end result because it isn’t even in the radar at all.

Instead, allow yourself to stay open and know that only good will come.

So whether you’re about to embark on a new job, trip or relationship, I invite you to honor everything you feel, stay open and go for it!

Life is an exciting adventure – isn’t it? Enjoy this day and all its special gifts.

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Open to the Divine Mother

I got a message recently from a woman asking me about the Divine Mother. She worried that there might be a way to be rejected by her.

I define the Divine Mother as the feminine face of God.

I see her as a timeless earth goddess whose lap I can crawl into any time and she’ll hold me and nourish me like a baby.

This woman’s message reminded me that allowing ourselves to be loved can feel scary. Especially when we’ve been betrayed, hurt or feel scarred by the earthly mother’s or female mentors we’ve had.

If this is resonating with you but you want to open up to the love of the Universal Mother, here are a few ways to help.

1. Practice Unconditional Receiving

Find a place to sit comfortably or even lie down.

Imagine yourself opening up to receive all the blessings of goodness, peace, abundance, happiness, health and love that is in the universe. 

Keep breathing it all in. Try practicing this for 5 minutes every day, then see if you can do it for 10.

When we close ourselves off to receiving, nothing can come in.

2. Feel Nature

For the past year or so, I’ve been reconnecting to the Earth as a sacred being. She, who embodies that unconditional love of the Mother. She who constantly gives and asks nothing in return.

How can you feel that love and allow the great Earth to hold you?

Maybe it’s going for a swim in the ocean or a lake. It could be standing on a clearing (or even a rooftop) and feeling that breath of wind caress your face. You can lie down in a field, park on beach and simply release all your tensions into the earth. She will hold you always.

3. Who's Your Mother?

What is an image of the Mother that appeals to you? 

Sue Monk Kidd, the author of Secret Life of Bees went on a quest to find what the Divine Mother looked like to her and discovered it was the black Madonna (Virgin Mary).

If you’re background is Christian (or Catholic), a similar image might appeal to you.

Practice yoga? Maybe your image in one of the thousands of Hindu goddesses.

Loved Greek mythology as a kid? Perhaps you can relate to an image of Diana, the huntress or Athena, the goddess of wisdom.

Maybe it's an African image.

Right now, I’m looking for one that embodies the three aspects of the feminine: the maiden, the mother and the crone or wise woman. I’ll let you know when I find her (or make her.)

Many of us never experienced unconditional love as children so it’s hard to trust that God, or the Divine Mother will love us too.

But here’s the thing, she will because she already does.

So try these 3 ways to allow yourself to open up and feel that love. As the Indian guru Amma says, “when we take one step toward God (or the divine mother,) she takes 100 steps towards you.” Check out her whole answer here.

The Divine Mother loves you and holds you close. Relax into that space and allow yourself to receive.

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What Mr. Rogers Taught Me

A few days ago I saw a preview of the new documentary about Fred Rogers called, “Won’t You be my Neighbor?” Instantly, I remembered being a small child, excited to turn on our old black & white TV and see Mr. Rogers smiling face as he invited me into his living room. With fondness, I recollected watching him take off his “street clothes” and put on his sweater and tennis shoes.

Then when I was about 11 or 12, I was rummaging through my father’s stack of albums and pulled out Mr. Rogers Neighborhood. I started belittling him, saying his show was for babies. It was stupid. And then my father’s stern voice rang through the hallway. “Mr. Rogers is an exemplary human being. His show is intelligent, thoughtful and fun. And his message is one of universal love.”

That shut me up.

Mr. Rogers’s show was a daily reminder of kindness, friendliness and playfulness in the midst of what was a chaotic time in my life. And indeed the makers of this new documentary clearly feel we can use a dose of kindness today (certainly in the United States) and to remember how to be good neighbors.

If you’re moving down memory lane with me, here are my top Mr. Rogers takeaways:

1. Listen

Mr. Rogers was always curious and enjoyed learning about new people and new places. As a child, I was really quiet. I think I didn’t speak often in part because the world felt scary and overwhelming but also because I wanted to understand.

It wasn’t until years later, while reading M Scott Peck's, A Road Less Traveled, that I began to understand the power of listening.  That’s when I realized listening was a honed skill. Before that, I’d always felt “less than” because I wasn’t butting in to every conversation with my smart ideas.

And then I remembered Mr. Rogers, how he observed and listened, even to his puppets.

2. Say Hi & Be Neighborly

It used to be that everyone knew each other. I used to walk through my grandmother’s apartment complex as a little girl, watching as she greeted everyone – young and old. Introducing me, smiling, offering help. In an effort to resurrect civility, I’ve decided to be a welcome wagon in my own neighborhood and bring a gift to all my new neighbors who have moved in recently.

We all crave community and miss the days when friends would just pop over unannounced. What can you do to reach out a friendly hand?

3. Smile

Every day Mr. Rogers greeted me with a genuine smile on his face. Whether he was in a bad mood or not, he smiled.

Have you ever tried to be grouchy and smile at the same time? It doesn’t work. Try it right now. Allow yourself to feel pissy about something and then smile as you talk about it out loud.

What happened?

It goes away, right!

Smiling is powerful. It has the ability to not only lift others’ spirits but your own as well.

4. Help is Always Available

One of the things I especially loved about Mr. Rogers’ show was that he answered kids questions about confusing adult things like unemployment, divorce, segregation and even assassination.

He shed light on issues and helped me feel less alone and less powerful. Through him I realized that knowledge is power. I also saw that I never had to be alone with my not knowing. That I could ask for help from caring adults.

One of the new things I learned about Fred Rogers was that he was an ordained minister and I (like many children my age) were his parishioners. I’d like to make his memory proud by continuing his legacy of love and kindness. Care to join me?

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PS - Here's the trailer for the documentary

5 Ways to Embrace Change with Joy & Ease

It's official! On Saturday my youngest daughter graduates from high school! As exciting as this is, it also means that come September, I’m officially an empty nester.

Even though we know that change is a part of life, it can still feel stressful and fraught with anxiety.

Isn't there a way to manage change with awareness and clarity instead?

If you're experiencing change in your life - a big move, new job, relationship or are about to send a kid to college- use these 5 steps, and embrace that transition.

1. Normalize Your Fear

Five years ago I started a new company. My logo and business cards were designed, the website was live, my office was furnished. I distinctly remember standing in my office the day everything felt “official” and I was frozen, scared to death. I was new at being a therapist and coach. I’d transitioned out of education where I was an “expert” but now…

And then I reminded myself that I wasn’t 20. I had 40+ years of life training which counted for a lot! I took a deep breath and jumped in.

It’s completely normal to feel scared when you do something new- whether it’s a move, a budding relationship, job or life transition. Honor those feelings and remember that everyone has them. You are SO not alone!

2. Face Not Knowing

The new always seems alien, hard, daunting. That’s because it’s new! Have you ever noticed that you discount something once it’s done? Like you ran a marathon or rock climbed, no biggie. But that next hurdle, solo camping, or doing a livestream, seems huge and impossible to overcome.

Take a moment to look back on all of your previous successes – graduating from college, launching a business, getting married, taking a trip solo, publishing an article, creating an investment portfolio, having a baby, showing your artwork, competing in a triathlon…

Once those things also seemed hard until you did them.

3. Make A Plan

Establish some intentionality about how you want your “new” to unfold. Here’s what I mean. Let’s say you’re ready for a job transition or have just been offered a new job. Get clear on how you want life to be.

• How much money do you want to earn?
• What’s your schedule look and feel like?
• How about your daily tasks? Invigorating? Inspiring? Challenging?
• What does a great day look and feel like?
• What’s your ideal work-life balance?

Write it down or draw it out then, envision yourself living it.

4. Take Inventory

So often when we find ourselves in a transition, it’s easy to focus on what’s being left behind – a relationship, a house, a stage of life.

Use this in-between time to take inventory.

Celebrate what is passing with a ritual, a ceremony, maybe even a candle lit dinner. Then look ahead to what’s coming. What are the benefits to you of embracing this change? How can it bring more love, happiness and fun into your life?

5. Give Yourself Time

We live in a rush culture where everything has to happen ASAP. As you move through this transition, give yourself time and space to honor it. Sometimes in life it feels like we take two steps forward and one step back. This can be especially true when we’re moving into unknown territory.

Be patient with yourself and allow for the transition to move at it’s own pace.

Sometimes this can feel hard or frustrating but in the end, it’s worth it.

Whether you’re like me and facing an empty nest, or dealing with change in another way, use these 5 tools to help you claim your transition, own it and feel empowered as you walk bravely through it. Your life journey is so worth it – and so are you.

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Be Kind

In today’s bully infested world, kindness is seen as weakness.

You and I both know that simply isn't true.

AND

Who wants to live in a world where we pull each other down and make each other wrong? 

Instead, let's support one another, help us reach up and become our higher selves.

Which is why I'm making a stand for kindness.

Think about it.

How do you feel when you’re mean or cruel to someone?

Now think about how you feel when you’re kind.

Like fear, kindness is contagious.

It can shower the world like water quenching a wild fire.

And, it really is easy.

It starts with a smile.

A caring word to a stranger.

A “thank you.”

That feeling of gratitude in your heart.

Doing something because.

Handing a stranger a tissue.

Holding the door open.

Waving at a car.

Kindness is like a secret weapon. Not only does it impact the receiver, it impacts the giver too.

So today, I have 2 special kindness offerings.

The first is access to a meditation guiding you through the Metta Bhavana, a Buddhist phrase and practice that means loving kindness.

This is a specific Buddhist prayer to help you foster loving kindness. The idea is to cultivate this feeling within your self and then express it to all sentient beings.

The guided meditation follows the steps as I learned them:

1. Focus on yourself. Feel love, compassion and caring for YOU.

2. Now imagine a loved one standing in front of you. Shower this person with that same love, light and healing.

3. Thirdly, envision in front of you a person with whom you have no relationship – think about your postal worker, a shopkeeper or bus driver. Send this same love and healing light to this person.

4. The next person to come before you is someone with whom you have a conflict or issue. Imagine that person standing directly in front of you. See him or her surrounded by love, healing, kindness and light.

5. Lastly, send this beautiful energy out to blanket the entire world.

You can download the meditation here OR listen to it on Insight Timer.

Practicing the Metta Bhavana will help you create and stay in a place of kindness throughout your day. It's a powerful prayer and practice. Every time I do it, it profoundly alters my day.

And as a special bonus, I’ve added a poem for you called Kindness by Naomi Shihab Nye. I heard it over the weekend and learned that it has provided much solace to people over the years. Here is a beautiful link to it, enjoy.

Join me is fostering living kindness within your own being. Both yourself and the world will be grateful.

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10 Ways to Kickstart A Daily Spiritual Practice

We all crave more peace, less anxiety, and definitely less stress.

One of the best ways to do this is to have some kind of daily contemplative practice. Think about this as a time to simply be with you. To touch base with the wise, all knowing self that resides deep within you.

A spiritual practice is something you give yourself so it should feel exciting and fun and definitely NOT like a chore. It’s not another “have-to.”

I often think about this time as refuge – a state I can enter where the craziness of the world is far away- where there is only peace and a sense of calm.

Here are 10 ideas to get you started:

1. Prayer

If you’ve grown up with any kind of formal religion, you know what prayers sound like. But a prayer doesn’t have to be religious. It’s really a call from your heart out into the world.

My prayers are usually for people who are suffering as well as for the planet. But a super terrific prayer to start everyday is one I’ve mentioned before from A Course in Miracles, it says,

What would you have me do today?
Where would you have me go?
What would you have me say and to whom?

2. Affirmation

Starting your day with an affirmation or a list of them is a really powerful practice. You are speaking aloud what you want to manifest in your life. An affirmation can be general or specific.

I consider Louise Hay to be the queen of affirmations. Here is a great video with her sharing about affirmations.

3. Meditation

Meditation has literally transformed my life. I cannot imagine not doing this everyday BUT I do know how hard and scary it can be to start.

And I will admit, that even now, 20 years later, sometimes when I meditate, my thoughts don’t stop leaping around. As you begin or deepen your own time in meditation, remember that it is a practice. It isn’t about perfection.

If you want to start with a guided meditation or visualization, hop onto Insight Timer and have fun exploring not only my meditations but the hundreds of other ones!

4. To Be List

One of my favorite spiritual teachers, Dr. Robert Holden offers this suggestion. Rather than having a To DO list, have a To BE list. Isn’t this a great idea!

How do you want to be today?

• Loving
• Kind
• Generous
• Patient

5. Journal

I have many friends who begin each day writing in their journals. They are literally writing their lives into existence. If this sounds intriguing, get yourself a special notebook, decide your spot and commit to writing – for 5, 10, 20 minutes, whatever it is for you. There’s something transformational that happens when we put pen to paper. 

6. Contemplative Walk

Walking is both meditative and aerobic. Obviously the best places to do these walks is somewhere pretty or serene – such as a park, along the water or in the woods. But you can have a contemplative walk not in nature too. Even on the treadmill. Plug in some soothing music and allow yourself to move.

7. Singing

I recently attended an earth honoring circle where a few women were inspired to sing. If singing helps you connect with your heart space, this might be the practice for you. Find some honoring, uplifting music that speaks to your higher self and belt it out! I am a big fan of kirtan, a form of Sanskrit chanting and love singing those songs.

8. Inspirational Video

If multi-media is more your thing, you may enjoy a video that connects you. One of my absolute favorites is Louie Schwartzberg’s one on gratitude.

9. Yoga Asana

Another way to ease into the day is through yoga, and doing a repetitive asana. One of the most common is the Sun Salutation, which is a series of simple moves designed to help awaken the body.

I have suffered from sciatica for 20+ years and discovered that doing the sun salutation every morning actually kept me pain free. So this is a daily part of my practice. See it performed here.

10. Start Your Day

Okay, I admit it, I hate getting out of bed. And I can be pretty grouchy in the morning. For over 10 years, my husband has lovingly reminded me that how you start your day is how you live your day.

So instead of groaning about getting up, how can you greet your day?

How would you like this day to be for you? Rewarding, satisfying, fulfilling, peaceful?

Whether you choose one of the above or a number of these, deepening your relationship to yourself is what a spiritual practice is all about. Decide what feels right for you and how you want to support yourself in your own evolution. That's what life is all about!

As always, don't be a stranger. Let me know what works for you!

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10 Ways to Love Mother Earth More

Yes Earth Day JUST passed (on Sunday). But it’s never too late to take a stand and care about protecting our planet.

Part of my daily prayer is for our earth – that we may live in peace with all of our human, plant, animal and mineral brothers and sisters. In fact, I pray for us to become stewards of this sacred place that is our home.

Which is why the celebration of the earth is important – to acknowledge the amazing planet we live on.

I’m sure you’re already on board, but- 

here’s a quick list of simple things you can do right now to make a difference.

1. Protect Your Part of the Ocean

Last week I went clamming on the Puget Sound and met a man who’s a 3rd generation shellfish farmer. He’s really active with the slow food movement, eating locally and all that good stuff. When I asked him about his mission now, he said to protect his part of the ocean.

In other words, think globally but act locally.

Sometimes the world’s problems can feel overwhelming. Instead, look locally. What’s a hot button issue in your area?

• Is it trying to eliminate the use of Roundup?
• Bedding oysters to help filter pollution?
• Creating rain barrels?
• Counteracting the infestation of the southern pine beetle?

Pick one.

2. Recycle

Okay, I know. You already do that.

3. Buy Thrifty

I hear vintage is all the rage. And that’s great news because it means clothes are essentially being reused. My family finds incredibly stylish and hip stuff at consignment stores and thrift stores. In fact, on my recent trip to New York City, I found a cashmere sweater for $3 and a Dianne Von Furstenberg wrap dress for $19 at a Goodwill!

If you’ve never been in one, now’s your chance!

4. Ban Plastic Water Bottles & Straws

Plastic is a forever product. Consider getting yourself a cool water bottle that you can refill (for free). Learn more about how plastic water bottles are wasteful from the Water Project, here.

And while you’re at it, lose the straws too.

Over 500 million straws are thrown away every day just in the United States! Yikes!

5. BYOBags

Since we’re talking about plastic, let’s bring our own bags to the store, yes?

Plastic bags are a menace to the environment. Because they are light and easily air born, many end up in the oceans and are accidentally ingested by wildlife, others clog rivers and streams.

It is estimated that over 100 billion single use plastic bags are thrown away every year in the United States!

To date, Hawaii and recently, California, have banned them. They are joined by 130+ communities across the other states as well as 19+ countries from Australia and Bangladesh to Ireland and Wales.

6. Compost

Apparently compost with manure is SO powerful, it not only increases the yields from your soil by up to 50% it’s also fantastic in helping to capture carbon in the soil! Talk about a win-win.

Make your own, or spread some healthy compost (with manure) all over your property. I plan to.

7. Plant Bee Attracting Plants

We all know the bees are at high risk. And people are taking action. In fact, many city dwellers have become beekeepers. On a trip to St. Paul, Minnesota, I looked out the window of my inn and right below me, the neighbor was tending her hive!

Bees need food. And many of these are beauiful flowering plants! Here’s a list of great plants and shrubs that you and the bees will love

There are ideas EVEN if you don’t have a garden!

8. Car Free

One of the many things I admire about Millennials is their preference to NOT own a vehicle.

These days, especially if you live in or around a city, you don’t really need one. Not only are there public transportation, shared bikes and even walking as possibilities but there are so many ride sharing companies -from Uber and Lyft to ZipCar and Turo! 

AND if you must have a car, can you commit to ONE day a week of not driving?

9. Carbon Offsets 

If you haven’t heard of this before, in a nut shell, it’s a way to offset the amount of carbon you put into the atmosphere through driving and plane travel, etc. by donating money to plant trees or preserve forest.

Here’s  great article if you want to learn more. 

10. Eat Local

Farmers markets are popping up in more and more cities and towns as we become increasingly interested in what we are eating. It’s now common to find locally produced meats, cheeses, milk and eggs as well as honey and veggies.

If you don't already visit a local farmer's market, here’s a great site to find what's happening in your local area. Just pop in your zip code.

Surprisingly, taking care of the earth can be fun and exciting! Try one or all of these, or commit to adopting ONE NEW ONE this year! Which will you pick? Leave me a note below.

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How To Do Your Job

Okay, I admit it. My husband is a New England Patriot fan.

So, naturally I watch a lot of football. And I particularly enjoy spotting their coach, Bill Belichick in his frayed hoodie, staring at his players, showing no emotion, but always reminding them to “do their job.”

His signature phrase "do your job" has become ubiquitous in NFL circles. I frequently hear announcers and players of other teams using it. “He needs to do his job... I just have to do my job.”

It's even seeped into everyday chat. In fact, someone on a radio news show just said it!

And that got me wondering, what does it mean exactly?

For Bill Bellichik, it’s obvious. He wants his players to run their routes – consistently, timely, one could argue, perfectly.

But what does it mean as a human being, to do your job?

Here’s what I’ve come up with – The 4 Agreements.

I’m a big fan of Don Miguel Ruiz’s book of the same name. And when I think about doing my job as a person, this is my clear default.

As a refresher, here they are:

1. Be Impeccable With Your Word

In other words, speak mindfully. Be aware of everything you say as a reflection of who you are.

We’ve all had those moments when we’ve been out of integrity and got caught saying something cruel about another person. I remember the last time that happened to me, how horrible I felt for being a gossip and I decided then and there that I’d stop.

Your word is your honor. Being impeccable with your word reminds you to take responsibility for everything you say. It reminds you to respect yourself as well as everyone else.

I’m doing my job when I hold my tongue, when I speak with integrity and clarity. When I take responsibility for my words and deeds.

2. Don’t Take Anything Personally

We all are creating our own realities, in every moment of every day. And these realities bump into one another. Sometimes it’s a wonderful, harmonious experience and sometimes it’s horrific. My state of mind, mood and disposition fluctuate moment to moment, as does yours.

An easy way to imagine this is to think about a toddler. In the morning, she is loving and playful. The next hour, she’s irritable and grouchy. As her mother or caregiver, do I take on her moodiness personally and blame myself? No.

I recognize she’s a child and is experiencing life in her terms. Now we just have to extrapolate that to everyone else.

And doing this with each person and experience you have in life is a powerful practice.

It really helps to foster detachment and reduces daily drama. Plus, it will open you up to experience more clarity and drive.

3. Don’t Make Assumptions

What is an assumption? An assumption is when you think you know but you haven’t received confirmation.

• I thought our appointment was for today.
• Don’t you like sugar in your coffee?
• I was pretty sure you were paying that bill.

Assumptions invariably lead to whoops!

When I make assumptions it’s because I’m being lazy and not asking clarifying questions, not calling to confirm. That’s when errors, hurts or worse can happen.

I’m doing my job effectively when I’m sure.

4. Always Do Your Best

Here’s a way to think about this: Are you showing up and giving the best of your ability in this moment?

Bear in mind that the moment is constantly changing- day-to-day, year to year. So “best” is fluid and ever evolving.

Then in reflection, when you stand back and ask about a specific moment in time, “Did you do my best – in that meeting, confrontation, essay?”

If the answer is “yes”, move on. Don’t dwell on it, judge it or criticize. If, however, you feel like you could have done more, look at that and act accordingly.

I truly believe that if you’ve shown up and done you’re best, you’ve done your job.

I’ll never be a professional football player, that’s certain. But when I think about doing my job – as a human being- these 4 guidelines are what come to me again and again. They remind me to live my life- words and actions- with integrity, honor and dignity.

How about you? How can you live the 4 agreements in your life? Let me know by leaving me a note below.

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