How Porous Are Your Boundaries?

Boundaries often get a bad rap, as if they’re not a good thing, as if they prevent us from genuine connection.

Is that really true?

First off, let’s define what we’re really talking about.

A boundary can be physical like a fence or a wall, even your skin is a natural physical boundary.

Boundaries can also be set by social or cultural standards. For example, in Japan, people greet one another with a bow, rather than in the United States where we often shake hands or hug.

Boundaries – in terms of dictating behavior- also differ in public versus private spaces, and vary depending on the types of relationship you have with someone.

I might sidle up close to my child or spouse, rub their back in a way I would never touch a colleague or stranger.

Much of this we pick up from our culture and family, although there are nuances to that, right? We all know friends and family who may not enjoy being physically touched.

Boundaries imply limit – physical and emotional.

The physical ones are often more obvious and straight forward, while the relationship or interpersonal ones can sometimes me murkier.

And when it comes to these, sometimes things can get unclear.

Why?

There are many reasons.

One is that we might not know what we want.

In order to have more clarity, we need to be willing to do a self-inventory. That way we can be more aware of what feels supportive to us personally, both physically and emotionally.

It also requires the ability to communicate our needs to others in clear and loving ways.

This can sometimes feel difficult.

After all, if you’re a sensitive person, you don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings or make them feel bad.

The goal therefore, is to state your needs as clearly as possible. Not by saying what you don’t want, but by saying what you do want and by being okay at holding any hurt feelings that might arise.

Why is this important?

When we don’t advocate for ourselves, we can feel taken advantage of, resentful, misunderstood, or at a more extreme level, violated.

Anyone who cares for you would never want you to feel these ways!

But they don’t know if you don’t tell them!

Another aspect of boundaries in interpersonal relationships is around how we live with each other. What are the “rules.”

You can think about it like a set of regulations that you often see when you check into a hotel. What you can and cannot do.

The same could be said about how we live in relationship with one another.

If it’s really important to me that the bed is made every morning, for example, then I need to communicate that to my partner.

Another aspect of this is with children, creating a schedule or structure for how your day with your child goes.

Establishing clear ways of being allows everyone to feel safe.

In truth, the idea of boundaries as limitations is actually one of life’s funny ironies.

We all want freedom and the ability to do whatever we want when we want, and we can assume that boundaries will prevent that from happening. But it’s in having structure around behavior, having clarity of where the end points are, that provides parameters and support which ultimately enables us to do everything we want and feel safe.

Want to do a deeper dive into emotional boundary setting? Here’s a great blog:

https://positivepsychology.com/great-self-care-setting-healthy-boundaries/

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Feel the Presence of God with You Always

When you were a child, did you have an imaginary friend? Someone you held tea parties with, read to in bed, played hide and seek with, or blamed for the mess in your room?

According to WebMD, around 65% of children under the age of seven have them, so if you did, you’re in the majority!

Naturally, there are social and emotional reasons that children have imaginary friends. It’s good company. It’s also a way to try out new social behaviors, or process feelings. An imaginary friend can offer support, too. After all, it’s YOUR special friend, someone who loves you, won’t leave, and doesn’t judge.

Honestly, it sounds pretty good!

Which got me thinking about it in a different way.

Before you roll your eyes, hear me out.

What if God, or the presence of love, or your guardian angel was, in fact, your imaginary friend?

Someone who goes EVERYWHERE with you! You are NEVER alone. You have this loving presence beside you all the time.

Frankly, I’m really liking this idea.

AND it reminds me of the poetry of the Sufi mystic Hafiz. Frequently, in his lines, he refers to God/love/unity consciousness as the Friend.

Like in this example from the poem entitled, Cast All Your Votes for Dancing. Here is an excerpt:

So, what do you say?

Are you willing to consider the idea of having God, your guardian angel, a guide, or the presence of love be YOUR imaginary friend?

I know I am.

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The Key to Having a Lasting Romantic Relationship

February is the month for lovers, for love, for reminding us of what our hearts yearn for.

Are you like me? Have you always been a romantic, from the time you were little?

I completely bought into the fantasy. You know it, right? Get rescued from your unhappy situation when you meet the love of your dreams, and live happily ever after.

As part this, I was HOOKED on the idea of falling in love even though I had NO idea of what love actually was.

I harbored this romantic dream for years.

Unfortunately, it wasn’t until I was ready to release this myth that I could actually experience true love.

I had to face my own unhappiness and learn to love myself. And surrender the idea of romance and relationship to God.

That’s when I learned the secret I wish I’d known when I was 13: Be Friends First. 

I know it sounds simple and I suppose it is, but simple can be true, and simple can be real, and simple can lead you everywhere you want to go.

What do I mean when I say be friends first? Well… 

Hot and heavy is short lived. 

When we get honest with ourselves, we know it’s true. Sex is great but that intense physical attraction isn’t sustainable in the long run. 

Shared interests is. Having fun together is. Enjoying one another’s company is. 

Not long ago I was talking to a friend who’s always looking for love and is chronically disappointed.

This was my advice to him. Be friends first.

Because even if your sex life is INCREDIBLE, it isn’t happening 24 hours a day (be honest).

BUT you are in an emotional relationship with someone 24 hours a day. And it makes a huge difference when that person is your confidante, best friend, most fun playmate and lover.

Don’t believe me? Look around.

Who do you know that’s in a romantic relationship and is happy, fulfilled, growing?

My guess is, they are couples who really value one another, genuinely care about each other and relish spending time together.

So, the next time you find yourself looking for Mr. (or Mrs. Right), think about being their friend first.

Take it slowly.

Get to know one another and allow that love to grow naturally.

You might just be amazed.

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Your Time to Vision

Now that you’ve landed on a word to be your guidepost for the year, it’s time to REALLY vision into how you want 2024 to unfold.

We can choose to be intentional AND allow the universe to support and provide us with mystery, too.

My all time favorite tool for doing this is to create a vision board. It’s such a great way to launch the year with intention, guidance and inquiry.

In fact, doing this activity has become one of my family’s New Year’s traditions! The fireplace is roaring, the Christmas lights (and music) are blasting, and I’m typically on the rug, ripping, cutting and gluing, making a giant mess!

Normally I’m extremely intentional about creating a vision board, thinking about the different areas of my life and how I want to experience them. I’ll have imagery for my spiritual development – perhaps a picture of a book, goddess or teacher. I’ll have a picture of a place I want to visit (typically someplace where I can ski). For years I had African animals – elephants, giraffes… I find images of things I’d like to accomplish – pictures of art, words that are inspiring…

But a few years ago, I began doing my vision boards slightly differently. I call it a Soul Vision Board!

Essentially, I incorporated a new collage technique I learned from a friend called SoulCollage® and use it to make my vision board.

Soul Collage is an intuitive, contemplative way to collage using ONLY imagery (no words). With this technique, you typically make a set of cards, then read/interpret them- eliciting meaning from the images you’ve assembled.

Adapting this idea to a vision board, I allow my intuition to guide me RATHER than control it by looking for specific images and words. Instead, I choose pictures that catch my eye. I don’t worry about finding the “right” word or picture but relax into the process, trusting that the images (and words) I find are the perfect ones.

Here’s how to do it:

1. Before you begin, take a moment to think about the year ahead. How do you want to feel? To experience it?

2. Allow yourself to browse images, choosing things that appeal perhaps from an emotive, metaphoric, or unconscious space, as opposed to being so concrete. If you feel inclined, add words that speak to you, too.

3. Once you have a pile of stuff, follow the basic vision board instructions.

4. After the collage is assembled, step back and take in the whole board. What is it telling you about how you want to live your year?

Perhaps what you’ll hear isn’t so much about WHAT you will specifically accomplish, instead it may be more about HOW you will experience your everyday life.

How does that sound?

I’m excited to see how this new technique influences your year.

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How to Solve Your Problems

I admit it. We think the idea of life is to NOT have any problems. 

But seriously, when has that ever been true for you?

There's always something, right?

So what do we do about this?

First (of course) we have to get past the feelings of “ugh, I don’t want this problem! I’ll just pretend I don’t have it, ignore it, push it away…

Then we have to acknowledge that the problem is lingering at the edges of our awareness, pressing in on us.

And finally make the decision to deal with it.

That’s when the fun really starts!

I say fun because that’s where the opportunity for growth and learning lie, yay!

Let’s say your problem seems small, even petty. You’re bickering with a colleague. Your neighbor’s lawn is always full of litter and totally bugs you. You can’t seem to resolve a minor conflict with a family member. In the scheme of problems, yours is trite. It isn’t about Covid, or world peace, or a life threatening illness.

And because it’s small, it’s easy to judge it and yourself. Why aren’t I over this little issue yet?

Sound familiar?

Here’s an example.

The other day a woman shared about her anxiety having to go to the store to buy a new smartphone. Immediately I wanted to judge her. Who on earth has anxiety about buying a new phone? I kept listening though as she went on to explain how she allowed herself to experience her anxiety and then remember that she was always supported by God/universe to make perfect decisions.

It wasn’t until later that it hit me.

Whether you’re buying a phone, irritated with your co-worker or bugged by a neighbor, it’s the SAME as wanting to heal the world from Covid, or desiring world peace.

Here’s what I mean.

We judge something as being big or small, worthy of our attention or not. But what if we didn’t?

In A Course in Miracles, the first principle we learn about miracles is that, “There is no order of difficulty in miracles. One is not "harder" or "bigger" than another. They are all the same. All expressions of love are maximal.”

When we think about these “problems” or “challenges” we’re experiencing, the same is true! Every learning opportunity is maximal.

Because EVERY TIME we choose to view the situation differently, we are healed.

Big or small, trite or enormous, every time we ask, “please let me see this person differently.” “Please let me experience this situation differently,” we open the door to love, to expansiveness, to love.

All the rest is simply our judgement and a way of blocking our own learning and opening.

So what do you say? Willing to try?

I am so excited about this – I’m going to use it every time I feel myself get upset!

How about you?

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Overcoming Loneliness: 3 New Mindsets

I was lying in bed thinking about a friend of mine. She's absolutely amazing - beautiful, talented, funny, kind, and single.

Apart from feeling like she wants a partner, it's more the feeling of BEING ALONE that plagues her.

Have you ever experienced that?

I know I have.

And let's be honest. Even if you are in a committed relationship, you can still feel alone. Or lonely. Right?

So what can we do about it? 

Here are 3 beliefs to help when you find yourself stuck in that place.

1. Illusion of Separation

In A Course in Miracles, we are told that the Original Sin is that we have forgotten that we are a part of God! 

So for all of you recovering Catholics and Christians, this new definition might help. 

We believe we are a separate self- a physical body and brain- but in fact we are a thought in the mind of God.

In Hinduism, we also learn that EVERYTHING is part of God. You, me, the rock, the tree, the water... you get the idea.

In essence it is our perception that we are separate that causes us pain.

How can you reconnect and remember that you actually are not a separate body, but spirit having a human experience? 

2. Ask for Help

When you think you are alone, it's easy to feel like you have to do everything by yourself. There is no one you can truly trust or rely on. No one who really has your back. 

It's you against the world.

And yet guidance is there, patiently waiting for us. We simply have to ask. 

Spirit has so much integrity that it does not presume. It won't jump in and volunteer. We have to ask. 

Ma Jaya, my guru, used to say that God waits and waits for us to ask. Happy to help. If we would just do it!

What guidance do you need in your life right now?​ What's preventing you from asking for it?

3. You Are Surrounded By Love & Support

At a workshop I attended years ago, the facilitator said, "In order for us to be in this time/space existence, we have to filter out 99.99999% of what is around us" because we are ALWAYS surrounded by our angels and guides. 

And, we can call on our teachers and ancestors any time, too.

Everything in life wants to support us.

Here is a meme to help you remember:

What would you do if you believed you were never alone?

It's easy to falsely presume that you're weak if you need help. But really it's the opposite. 

It is in opening and receiving true guidance that gives us real, genuine strength.

Why not try it and see how you feel?

I guarantee you'll never feel lonely again!

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How to Live A Guided Life

Tired of feeling alone?

Ready to have some Divine intervention in your life?

Want to feel aligned with Spirit?

You are not alone.

I want that too - even though it’s always been hard for me to ask for help.

Ever since I was little, I always believed I had to do everything myself. 

I never felt like I could rely on anyone to be there for me. Naturally, life kept providing opportunities to prove that this was true (ugh!)

In high school I was alienated from my friend group. In college, I quit drugs on my own. My first pregnancy, I went into labor and spent the entire day by myself. (Long story- but you get the picture.)

Can you relate?

So when I was told by an astrologer years and years ago, that I was so very loved and supported by the universe, I didn't even know what to do with that.

It felt TOOOO scary to trust. I mean, I wasn't willing to trust what I could see, how was I going to trust what I couldn't see!?!

That conversation happened over 20 years ago and really helped me begin to relax into the idea that life loves and supports me. And believing that has has been an ongoing journey.

Last year I decided to take it even deeper by choosing to live a guided life.

What the heck does that mean?

In some ways, it's a surrender. I ask God/Divine/Inner Self... "What would you have me do today?"

And then I wait for an answer.

Sometimes the answer is immediate. Sometimes the day becomes the answer.

Sometimes I don't want to do what it tells me AT ALL and I fight. Because, hey, I'm human, and I can.

If any of this resonates with you, and you're thinking you want to give this a try,

I've made a meme of the 3 easy steps for you.

Why not give it a try and see what happens?

I challenge you to do it just for the next week!

What do you say?

Here's to manifesting every dream you have, not only for you but for the entire world!

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Time For A Miracle

This week, I thought I'd share a question I received from a student who is taking my Insight Timer course on mastering uncertainty. 

She asks, how can she befriend fear when she has real life problems of paying her rent and health insurance for herself and her small child?​

My heart went out to her. Because life can sometimes feel really hard.

But how do we manage fear when it can feel so paralyzing?

When I get stuck in fear, it's as if all the doors shut, the windows are locked and I feel trapped and desperate, as if there are NO answers or ways to move. 

So what helps?

Of course breathing. 

Breathing helps immediately ground me back into my body and slows me down. It helps create a crack in the doorway back to the present moment and out of the whirlwind of future focused anxiety.

The goal is to return to the present, to the place of receiving, of openness, right? Because in that space and place, we can receive guidance.

Recently, I also learned a wonderful new affirmation that can both remind us and support us to move out of fear and open again to opportunity, the flow, love... whatever word you like.

Here it is:

​According to A Course in Miracles, a miracle occurs when we choose love instead of fear - in any relationship or situation. When we choose love, it allows us to be in that flow of GRACE.

So if you find yourself tensing up, procrastinating or avoiding doing what you have to do, use this affirmation, breathe and see how things change!

Ready For A Miracle?

As you know, I’m a big fan of the book, A Course in Miracles (ACIM), which is often described as a self-study curriculum designed to help the reader experience personal transformation.

In Chapter 1, it literally defines miracles. (Isn’t that so cool!?) There are 50 points, or ways that miracles are described. I've chosen my top 5 to share here:

1. Miracles occur naturally as expressions of love. The real miracle is the love that inspires them. In this sense everything that comes from love is a miracle. (3)

That last sentence is balm to my heart, the gentle reminder that love heals all.

I recently listened to a podcast in which they quoted from Martin Luther King’s 1967 speech to the 11th Convention of the Southern Christian Leadership Conference. In it he said,

“…I know that love is ultimately the only answer to mankind's problems. And I'm going to talk about it everywhere I go. I know it isn't popular to talk about it in some circles today. And I'm not talking about emotional bosh when I talk about love; I'm talking about a strong, demanding love. For I have seen too much hate. I've seen too much hate on the faces of sheriffs in the South. I've seen hate on the faces of too many Klansmen and too many White Citizens Councilors in the South to want to hate, myself, because every time I see it, I know that it does something to their faces and their personalities, and I say to myself that hate is too great a burden to bear. I have decided to love. If you are seeking the highest good, I think you can find it through love."

Talk about a miracle worker.

2. Prayer is the medium of miracles. It is a means of a communication of the created with the Creator. Through prayer love is received, and through miracles love is expressed. (11)

In other words, don’t underestimate the power of prayer! Everything is mind, and everything is being created by mind. So, use your thoughts, and prayers to open up to the Oneness, and co-create exactly what you want life to be, full of peace, love, solidarity, kindness, and respect.

3. Miracles are teaching devices for demonstrating it is as blessed to give as to receive. They simultaneously increase the strength of the giver and supply strength to the receiver. (16)

If this isn’t a universal spiritual principle, what is? In every major world religion, from Christianity to Buddhism, we hear this, right? And yet, it’s good to be constantly reminded.

4. Miracles reawaken the awareness that the spirit, not the body, is the altar of truth. This is the recognition that leads to the healing power of the miracle. (20)

Part of our job is to always remember that we are spirit beings having a human experience. We feel trapped and limited when that thinking is reversed. This definition of a miracle is an invitation to remember who you truly are.

5. A major contribution of miracles is their strength in releasing you from your false sense of isolation, deprivation and lack. (42)

The core of our pain is that we feel alone, lost, or disconnected. When we remember that this is absolutely NOT true, it invites us to reconnect to the One-ness, the refuge of being part of it all.

As ACIM reminds us, “If you knew Who walked beside you at all times; On this Path that you have chosen; You could never experience fear or doubt again.”

So what do you say? Ready to embrace your new role as a miracle worker?

Say yes!

Not only will it transform your life but the entire world, and we really need that right now. I can’t even go outside because the smoke from the wildfires is so thick!

Not only is your soul shouting for this shift, so is our planet. It’s time for us to up-level our collective consciousness!

Will you help?

I’m all in and right here with ya.
So stay in touch!

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