How Porous Are Your Boundaries?

Boundaries often get a bad rap, as if they’re not a good thing, as if they prevent us from genuine connection.

Is that really true?

First off, let’s define what we’re really talking about.

A boundary can be physical like a fence or a wall, even your skin is a natural physical boundary.

Boundaries can also be set by social or cultural standards. For example, in Japan, people greet one another with a bow, rather than in the United States where we often shake hands or hug.

Boundaries – in terms of dictating behavior- also differ in public versus private spaces, and vary depending on the types of relationship you have with someone.

I might sidle up close to my child or spouse, rub their back in a way I would never touch a colleague or stranger.

Much of this we pick up from our culture and family, although there are nuances to that, right? We all know friends and family who may not enjoy being physically touched.

Boundaries imply limit – physical and emotional.

The physical ones are often more obvious and straight forward, while the relationship or interpersonal ones can sometimes me murkier.

And when it comes to these, sometimes things can get unclear.

Why?

There are many reasons.

One is that we might not know what we want.

In order to have more clarity, we need to be willing to do a self-inventory. That way we can be more aware of what feels supportive to us personally, both physically and emotionally.

It also requires the ability to communicate our needs to others in clear and loving ways.

This can sometimes feel difficult.

After all, if you’re a sensitive person, you don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings or make them feel bad.

The goal therefore, is to state your needs as clearly as possible. Not by saying what you don’t want, but by saying what you do want and by being okay at holding any hurt feelings that might arise.

Why is this important?

When we don’t advocate for ourselves, we can feel taken advantage of, resentful, misunderstood, or at a more extreme level, violated.

Anyone who cares for you would never want you to feel these ways!

But they don’t know if you don’t tell them!

Another aspect of boundaries in interpersonal relationships is around how we live with each other. What are the “rules.”

You can think about it like a set of regulations that you often see when you check into a hotel. What you can and cannot do.

The same could be said about how we live in relationship with one another.

If it’s really important to me that the bed is made every morning, for example, then I need to communicate that to my partner.

Another aspect of this is with children, creating a schedule or structure for how your day with your child goes.

Establishing clear ways of being allows everyone to feel safe.

In truth, the idea of boundaries as limitations is actually one of life’s funny ironies.

We all want freedom and the ability to do whatever we want when we want, and we can assume that boundaries will prevent that from happening. But it’s in having structure around behavior, having clarity of where the end points are, that provides parameters and support which ultimately enables us to do everything we want and feel safe.

Want to do a deeper dive into emotional boundary setting? Here’s a great blog:

https://positivepsychology.com/great-self-care-setting-healthy-boundaries/

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Feel the Presence of God with You Always

When you were a child, did you have an imaginary friend? Someone you held tea parties with, read to in bed, played hide and seek with, or blamed for the mess in your room?

According to WebMD, around 65% of children under the age of seven have them, so if you did, you’re in the majority!

Naturally, there are social and emotional reasons that children have imaginary friends. It’s good company. It’s also a way to try out new social behaviors, or process feelings. An imaginary friend can offer support, too. After all, it’s YOUR special friend, someone who loves you, won’t leave, and doesn’t judge.

Honestly, it sounds pretty good!

Which got me thinking about it in a different way.

Before you roll your eyes, hear me out.

What if God, or the presence of love, or your guardian angel was, in fact, your imaginary friend?

Someone who goes EVERYWHERE with you! You are NEVER alone. You have this loving presence beside you all the time.

Frankly, I’m really liking this idea.

AND it reminds me of the poetry of the Sufi mystic Hafiz. Frequently, in his lines, he refers to God/love/unity consciousness as the Friend.

Like in this example from the poem entitled, Cast All Your Votes for Dancing. Here is an excerpt:

So, what do you say?

Are you willing to consider the idea of having God, your guardian angel, a guide, or the presence of love be YOUR imaginary friend?

I know I am.

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The Key to Having a Lasting Romantic Relationship

February is the month for lovers, for love, for reminding us of what our hearts yearn for.

Are you like me? Have you always been a romantic, from the time you were little?

I completely bought into the fantasy. You know it, right? Get rescued from your unhappy situation when you meet the love of your dreams, and live happily ever after.

As part this, I was HOOKED on the idea of falling in love even though I had NO idea of what love actually was.

I harbored this romantic dream for years.

Unfortunately, it wasn’t until I was ready to release this myth that I could actually experience true love.

I had to face my own unhappiness and learn to love myself. And surrender the idea of romance and relationship to God.

That’s when I learned the secret I wish I’d known when I was 13: Be Friends First. 

I know it sounds simple and I suppose it is, but simple can be true, and simple can be real, and simple can lead you everywhere you want to go.

What do I mean when I say be friends first? Well… 

Hot and heavy is short lived. 

When we get honest with ourselves, we know it’s true. Sex is great but that intense physical attraction isn’t sustainable in the long run. 

Shared interests is. Having fun together is. Enjoying one another’s company is. 

Not long ago I was talking to a friend who’s always looking for love and is chronically disappointed.

This was my advice to him. Be friends first.

Because even if your sex life is INCREDIBLE, it isn’t happening 24 hours a day (be honest).

BUT you are in an emotional relationship with someone 24 hours a day. And it makes a huge difference when that person is your confidante, best friend, most fun playmate and lover.

Don’t believe me? Look around.

Who do you know that’s in a romantic relationship and is happy, fulfilled, growing?

My guess is, they are couples who really value one another, genuinely care about each other and relish spending time together.

So, the next time you find yourself looking for Mr. (or Mrs. Right), think about being their friend first.

Take it slowly.

Get to know one another and allow that love to grow naturally.

You might just be amazed.

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Your Time to Vision

Now that you’ve landed on a word to be your guidepost for the year, it’s time to REALLY vision into how you want 2024 to unfold.

We can choose to be intentional AND allow the universe to support and provide us with mystery, too.

My all time favorite tool for doing this is to create a vision board. It’s such a great way to launch the year with intention, guidance and inquiry.

In fact, doing this activity has become one of my family’s New Year’s traditions! The fireplace is roaring, the Christmas lights (and music) are blasting, and I’m typically on the rug, ripping, cutting and gluing, making a giant mess!

Normally I’m extremely intentional about creating a vision board, thinking about the different areas of my life and how I want to experience them. I’ll have imagery for my spiritual development – perhaps a picture of a book, goddess or teacher. I’ll have a picture of a place I want to visit (typically someplace where I can ski). For years I had African animals – elephants, giraffes… I find images of things I’d like to accomplish – pictures of art, words that are inspiring…

But a few years ago, I began doing my vision boards slightly differently. I call it a Soul Vision Board!

Essentially, I incorporated a new collage technique I learned from a friend called SoulCollage® and use it to make my vision board.

Soul Collage is an intuitive, contemplative way to collage using ONLY imagery (no words). With this technique, you typically make a set of cards, then read/interpret them- eliciting meaning from the images you’ve assembled.

Adapting this idea to a vision board, I allow my intuition to guide me RATHER than control it by looking for specific images and words. Instead, I choose pictures that catch my eye. I don’t worry about finding the “right” word or picture but relax into the process, trusting that the images (and words) I find are the perfect ones.

Here’s how to do it:

1. Before you begin, take a moment to think about the year ahead. How do you want to feel? To experience it?

2. Allow yourself to browse images, choosing things that appeal perhaps from an emotive, metaphoric, or unconscious space, as opposed to being so concrete. If you feel inclined, add words that speak to you, too.

3. Once you have a pile of stuff, follow the basic vision board instructions.

4. After the collage is assembled, step back and take in the whole board. What is it telling you about how you want to live your year?

Perhaps what you’ll hear isn’t so much about WHAT you will specifically accomplish, instead it may be more about HOW you will experience your everyday life.

How does that sound?

I’m excited to see how this new technique influences your year.

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