Wait for the Answer?

I don’t know about you but when I have a question or am unclear about something, I always want it resolved immediately. Yup, you can call me impatient. I want to know, to be clear, sure, certain.

Part of why I’m like this is because I’m an action oriented person and can only act once I know what to do. When I don’t know it’s like being on an airplane circling the airport in a holding pattern. I don’t like that feeling on in-action, confusion, or lack of clarity. It is uncomfortable.

Lately, though, I’ve been toying with this idea of allowing for space.

What I mean by that is to ask a question and be okay with not immediately knowing the answer, being okay with allowing room for possibility and for answers to percolate up rather than be instantaneous.

It’s almost like being more patient with life, allowing it to unfold rather than be pushed along.

I suppose being comfortable with space means that I’m okay with uncertainty or not knowing. And when I think about it from that perspective, it’s about trusting. Trusting that an answer will be revealed. Maybe not on my timeline or schedule, maybe not even my predicted outcome but an answer that is divinely perfect.

What’s interesting is that as I allow myself to relax into that space, I find ironically, that I’m less anxious!

And I actually forget I’ve even asked a question! It’s like being in a space where life is okay no matter what. Where I don’t have to be so vigilant and work so hard. Where I can relax and enjoy myself more, knowing that it’s all fine.

As I think more about this idea of space, I realize that here –in the in between place- is where all the answers lie, where creativity lies, the place of pure potential. And thinking about that makes me feel excited to be in that space- the birthplace of creativity.

So instead of feeling worse, anxious or stressed, I actually feel more excited, more alive, more in harmony with life and divinely guided. Who would’ve thought!

What do you think? Are you willing to allow for more space in answering your questions?

Let me know your thoughts by leaving me a comment.

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Three Things of You

When I was in my early 20s, I was walking down the street one day when an interesting idea came to me. I’d been contemplating self evolution (as usual) and had the realization that each of us has 3 components to our beings:

The physical, the intellectual and the emotional (now I would add a 4th- spiritual).

Of these three aspects of self, we all have an affinity toward one as the area in which we feel most comfortable. So, for example, an athlete who works out daily and relishes in his routine is clearly most at ease in the physical realm.

I, on the other hand, am most relaxed in the emotional realm and love to talk about how I feel, to understand what I’m sensing and process that. Lots of people prefer the intellectual realm – those who love ideas and enjoy analysis and debate.

We all have one area of preference, then a secondary one in which we are also at ease or, at the very least, neutral and then one that we may try to avoid because it feels so incredibly uncomfortable.

For me, my painful realm is the physical.

And at 24 or so, when I had this realization, I was struggling with my weight and hating my figure. My body was the enemy, why would I even want to be in it? It was fat, bloated, uncomfortable, embarrassing. I tended to just ignore it.

After I started thinking about these three aspects of self, I realized that in order to be balanced, I had to move into the area of discomfort- for that is where the opportunity for growth lies- AND in doing that we heal ourselves.

You can imagine that I did this kicking and screaming.

The last thing I wanted was to be in my body, to make it real and feel it. But I did.

Perhaps because I was willing to do this it helped me let go of my eating disorder, I don’t know. But what I do know is that being in my body changed me.

It’s kind of a funny thing. All the time I thought it would be scary and painful but once I made the commitment to do it, (it was a gradual process) my life indeed became more balanced.

I was able to actualize ideas and thoughts rather than just have them spin around and around in my head.

Being in my body grounded me and allowed me to be even more present.

Twenty years later I’m definitely more balanced and have worked hard over that time to be in my body, do physical exercise and engage on a physical level.

I still work at it. My mind plays tricks on me and the wall of resistance is there. I’ve just gotten better at not listening to it and doing it anyway.

Here’s a great example. In my early 20s, I wanted to exercise to help me lose weight but I mostly didn’t. I thought about it all the time but just never actualized it. One day my father said to me, “you’d already be done with your run if you’d just gone and done it instead of constantly thinking about it.”

But that’s where I was then. Now, I just go and do it. I still don’t relish it, I still have to force myself BUT exercise helps me be in my body. I feel so much better emotionally too when I exercise (who would’ve thought!)

Think about yourself. What is your primary and secondary area of strength and which one is your challenge area?

What is the one you avoid out of fear or old beliefs? Maybe you hear stories in your head like, “I’m not smart” or “I’m a bad student.” Maybe it’s “People always tell me I’m cold or heartless.” Or perhaps it’s “Hike that hill? No way, I’m terrible at physical exercise.”

Here’s an email message I got the other day that inspired this blog:

One way to work on yourself is by being present in the body. Another way is by expanding the heart. A third way is by quieting the mind. The wise person finds a way to work on all three at the same time. (Understanding the Enneagram, 327)

Isn’t that what I was just saying?

Identifying your area of strength and also what to work on can help you better understand yourself. Moving into the discomfort even though it feels scary at first, is so rewarding and ultimately incredibly balancing. As you brave it, you’ll find yourself feeling even more like you!

So try it and let me know how it goes. What’s your area of strength? Tell me about it in a comment below.

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Keeping Yourself on Track

It’s so easy to look at other people and feel like they’re way more motivated than I am. Other people seem to get so much done while I can often feel like it takes me ages. Ever feel like that?

Over the years, my self-motivation has definitely ebbed and flowed. There’ve been times when I’ve been really unmotivated. Mostly during those times I was an avoider- checking out and not wanting to deal with my life- with the stress and with pushing through.

Nowadays I really work on finishing what I’ve started. Why? Because I had the realization that it isn’t until I actually finish something that I have a breakthrough. So if I say yes, I do my best to accomplish it.

In thinking about staying on track, I realized there are a few strategies I use that might help you! Here are some of the ways I keep myself motivated – even when I don’t want to!

Shakti’s Top 5 Strategies for Staying Motivated

1.     Schedule Yourself & Make Sure to Take Breaks

These days I schedule my whole week and what I plan to do each day. Some mornings I look at my list and think, “ugh, I don’t really want to work on my website today.” But then, because I’ve scheduled it, I start doing it and soon my resistance clears and I find I’m enjoying myself! I can’t work for too many hours in a row without taking a break though. Not only do my legs need a re-adjustment but so does my brain. Breaks help keep the creative juices flowing.

2.     Be Realistic About What You Can Get Done

When I first started scheduling myself, it was a little like lesson planning. I always overdid it. Fortunately I knew ahead of time that I might not get everything done so I wasn’t upset- more like –“oh, so this is how much I can reasonably get done in 4 hours.” Now I schedule more realistically.

3.     Go the Distance

Think marathon, not sprint. Many people start strong only to peter out and then drop out. When I want to quit, I often think about Aesop’s fable, The Tortoise and the Hare. The tortoise was so slow and plodding but won the race. My inclination is to be more like the hare and run and leap and fly and then crash. Knowing this about myself, I recognize when I have creative bursts and take advantage of them just as I give myself down time when I need it but I’m always on the look out for that finish line. It helps me get back up- knowing that’s the goal- and I’m gonna get there.

4.     Ask for Help

When you feel like you’re flagging or down, discouraged or wanting to quit- reach out. There are sooo many people around you all the time who love and support you and truly want you to succeed. So don’t be afraid to reach out. Friends can lend moral support, help with chores or provide ideas. Colleagues can provide guidance and assistance. We often forget that we are not alone- all we have to do is ask and it is given.

5.     Celebrate the Small Victories

A successful strategy I used while going through social work school, was to focus ONLY on what was right in front of me – my current 2 or 3 classes- and their work load. This helped me avoid the pitfall of overwhelm if I looked at everything I would have to do. Chunking it down to 12 weeks made the workload doable and felt manageable. When a semester was over, I celebrated! And before I knew it, I was done!

Alright, so there’s my 5 tips. Let me know if they help YOU!

Leave me a comment BELOW. Tell me what helps you stay motivated.

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The Ugly Twins – Guilt & Shame

Probably two of the most painful culprits in the emotional arsenal are guilt and shame. These two can seriously wreak havoc on us. It wasn’t until I read Brené Brown's work that I fully understand the difference between them AND how to let go of one and positively utilize the other.

Guilt is the feeling we have when we know we’ve done something wrong or hurt another. We feel bad about our actions. Perhaps I yelled at my daughter in an unkind way or I forgot to leave a tip for the waiter. My action results in me feeling guilty.

Guilt can act as a reminder for right or wrong.

It’s like an internal morality indicator, letting you know if something you’ve done goes against your value system. Brené Brown writes, “[Guilt] is an uncomfortable feeling, but one that’s helpful. The psychological discomfort, something similar to cognitive dissonance, is what motivates meaningful change.”

Overall, when we experience guilt, it can propel us to make amends and change our behavior and so is seen as a potentially positive force.

Obviously taken to the extreme, guilt can be harmful and is especially destructive if we attempt to “guilt” another person, as in making someone feel bad if they don’t do what I want them to do.

Shame, on the other hand, is the internalization of wrongdoing with the interpretation not that my actions were wrong (that’s guilt) but that I’m a bad person because I’ve done this – (yelling, stiffing the waiter.) Then the berating, negative self-talk ensues. “How could I have done that? I’m so stupid, bad, a terrible mother…”

According to Brown, “…shame corrodes the very part of us that believes we can change and do better…” Shame harms us in that moment and her research indicates that, “shame is highly correlated with addiction, violence, aggression, depression, eating disorders and bullying.”

Shame is the voice of “I’m not good enough. I’m not lovable.”

It is who we become when we feel not enough. It is the choices we make to escape, check out, hurt ourselves or hurt others.

Because we’ve all been shamed in our lives and believed it, we now walk around feeling less than, feeling flawed, feeling like we are works in progress instead of wholly loved, talented, incredible beings.

As Brown notes, “Shame is so painful for children because it is inextricably linked to the fear of being unlovable. For young children who are still dependent on their parents for survival- for food, shelter and safety- feeling unlovable is a threat to survival. It’s trauma. I’m convinced that the reason most of us revert back to feeling childlike and small when we’re in shame is because our brain stores our early shame experiences as trauma, and when it’s triggered we return to that place.”

Now that we know more about shame and guilt, we can choose to listen to those old stories about who we are or make new ones. In the 25 years I’ve been working on myself, I see more and more clearly how simple it actually is. In fact, it comes down to one concept – are you ready?

Self-acceptance.

That’s it!

All the words of criticism I heard growing up made me think I wasn’t enough and hell, I wasn’t ever going to be enough. But really, whose words were those? Those were the words my father said to himself, my mother said to herself, my stepfather said to himself, and on and on and on. It really was never about me, I just mistakenly thought it was.

Now I know it isn’t.

As one of my favorite teachers, Dr. Robert Holden says, “no amount of self-improvement can make up for a lack of self acceptance.”

So there it is – self acceptance is the shame-buster.

It starts right here, right now by saying to myself, “Shakti, I totally love and accept you. Right now, just as you are. Just as I am.”

Okay, now it’s your turn. Let me know how it goes.

How have you experienced guilt and shame? Share with me by leaving a comment below! 

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Enough is Enough!

Growing up in a family where conditional love reigned, it was easy to never feel good enough. My role was to be perfect, then I’d receive love. My sister was the "problem child" so consequently, the message I got was that I wasn't allowed to be in need, melting down or falling apart.

I had to be together and became a master at pretending I was when underneath I felt totally insecure and inadequate.

The way I navigated around New York City then was a good analogy for how I managed my life as a teen and young adult. I’d get off the bus at the Port Authority which, in the 1980s, was pretty shady. The area was still chock full of XXX movie theaters, prostitutes, petty criminals and other nefarious types. I’d walk confidently even when I was lost. Part of me knew it was a good coping mechanism, to act like I knew where I was going. Another part of me was simply used to donning the mask-“I know what I’m doing” even when the scared little girl underneath didn’t.

Because of the role I chose to play as a child, I never felt good about me, that I was enough just the way I was.

I had to be who you wanted me to be in order to be loved. I had to be thinner, more organized, responsible.

It felt like there was a hole in the center of me, a hole I was always trying to fill up – with food, with drugs, with boys, with travel. But no matter how much I tried, it was still there until I finally surrendered to God and to me, to accepting me just for me. As I did this, the hole was suddenly filled up with love, love of myself.

Or put another way, the recognition that I was indeed loveable just for being me.

This process took a while and pressed me to let go of a lot of my old beliefs about myself, my family and how to give and get love. And, like everything, lack still rears its ugly head from time to time. Especially on days when I don’t feel like doing anything (ever have one of those?) The voice inside says, “don’t be so lazy. Do something. Be productive. At the very least go for a run or water the plants…”

Those moments are opportunities to catch myself and remember my new orientation.

I can stop and say, “Can you see what’s going on, how you’re talking to yourself? How does that feel? Is it okay just to be who you are right now, to accept yourself just the way you are right now?”

And to remember that I’m enough just the way I am.

Yesterday I was in the supermarket waiting to check out and was perusing the magazine headlines when my eye came across More. I smiled remembering a conversation I’d had with a friend a few years ago. She’d said, “Why isn’t there a magazine called Enough?” As the words left her mouth, I knew she was right. Because not only do we get messages of inadequacy from our family we get way more from society.

It tells us we need more- more money, more clothing, more furnishings, more beauty, more Botox, more, more, more. When is it enough?

My answer is when we decide.

From decades of self searching, healing and studying, I’ve realized that it all comes down to one simple thing, self-acceptance. The more that I love and accept myself, the more life opens to me, love is attracted to me and I am connected to the divine energy of the Universe.

So what’s your decision, are you enough?

Have you ever felt lacking? Share your story by leaving a comment below. 

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Getting From Almost to Always

Ever noticed how just when you're about to finish something- a project, a goal, the finish line, you want to quit? And it takes as much effort to do that last final push as it did to do all the work to get there combined!

This is something I've seen happen in my life again and again. I notice it when I go for my morning run. Toward the end, I just want to stop and walk and I have to push through and force myself to "finish strong."

Or maybe I spend hours working on an article and then never actually send it to the publisher. Sound familiar? We all do it - in subtle or more obvious ways. And once we know this is a potential pitfall for success, how do we get ourselves to push through?

From a developmental perspective, what's going on is that we're expanding ourselves.

It isn't until the completion of something that we gain a sense of accomplishment, satisfaction and breakthrough. When we prevent ourselves from finishing, we cheat ourselves of that expansion, that new skill acquisition or accomplishment, landing us back where we started.

So, if we know this trait may pop up in our lives, how do we deal with it?

Try these 4 simple steps and see if they help:

1. Finish Big

Set your mind on a big splash at the end. For many joggers, this is a sprint done just as they're approaching the end of a run. Have a party to celebrate an accomplishment or even just do a little happy dance. When we honor ourselves for breaking through, it creates more momentum and motivation to keep doing it.

2. Be Gentle

Sometimes our self talk can be really scolding or harsh. The voice might say something like: "You're so lazy, why can't you just finish that paper?" or "Seriously, you're not gonna send that email after all the work you did?" or "Who do you think you are anyway? Why would someone want what you have to offer?" These self-defeating statements harm us and can prevent us from doing what we know is best for us - because when we stretch ourselves it's scary. Being gentle can really help. Try something like, "I know this is hard but you can do it." or "Maybe you're afraid and that's okay." or "Just run to the end of the road."

3. Ask for help

Maybe it's hard because I'm not really sure what to do. In this instance, I can ask for clarity, guidance or support. Is there a person in my network who can offer assistance? We're often afraid to ask for help because we think we should know how or that we might look ignorant. What I've found when I'm willing to be humble, is that people are so happy to help me and through that process I learn even more AND feel better.

4. Accountability

Often one of the best ways to complete things is to be accountable to someone else. This can be a super motivator for a number of reasons. First, we don't want to look bad or flakey in front of others. We also don't want them to be disappointed or angry. We might even lose a job or not get paid. This is why people hire personal trainers, life coaches and mentors.

So, the next time you get almost done, don't abandon ship, push through it and use these steps to help. You'll be amazed at how great it feels to accomplish what you set out to do and it will energize and motivate you. After all, success breeds success!

How do YOU get from almost to always? Share what works for you!

Leave a comment BELOW!

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What's Fear Got To Do With It?

About 25 years ago when I was just starting to find my career path, I had an interesting experience with fear.

I was living in Hong Kong working at a knitwear factory. I really hated my job but being 10,000 miles away from my family and friends, making a change felt scary. (This was pre-internet days.) I finally mustered up the courage to quit after 6 or 7 months but then had to figure out what to do.

After spending a LONG time thinking about it, writing a list of what I needed to have in my life and then realizing I didn't speak Cantonese, I ended up applying for teaching jobs.

Somehow I knew I was going to get one and before the summer was over, had an offer from an international high school teaching English and art. It was my first "real" job where I wasn't answering the phone or running errands. I even had my own mailbox in the office. Best yet, I got to read books all day! The two weeks before school started were great, I organized my classroom and outlined the textbooks, deciding what to do and when.

I was excited until the night before the students arrived and classes actually began. That's when it suddenly dawned on me that my new job was public speaking all day every day and I had a panic attack. I quickly left my apartment, took the elevator downstairs and went out for a walk.

Statistics indicate that people are consistently more afraid of public speaking than dying and that night I was one of them.

In high school, I lost my voice and throughout college tended to hide, was quiet and often sat in the back. I was smart and engaged but was always afraid of sharing my thoughts. At the end of my senior year I had to prepare an oral presentation and teach the class about a specific painting. For weeks I dreaded it and despite encouragement from my closest friend, was petrified. This was ALL I could think about as I walked off my panic attack that balmy September evening. Maybe I should quit, find another job, leave Hong Kong...

And then a new thought hit me and here's what it said: "What you are experiencing is just fear. Fear is an emotion, nothing else. So, can you do this anyway even though you're afraid?"

My logical mind started processing that idea. Just an emotion, huh? Well sure, I can do this anyway, can't I? And I did. 

What I didn't realize then was that was my first attempt at managing fear. I think a lot of people including myself think courage is the absence of fear or that courageous people aren't scared. What I've come to understand is that we are all afraid, it's the human experience. The key is in the managing of it. Or put another way, do you manage fear or does fear manage you?

Sometimes we experience fear and it can prevent us from living fully or genuinely engaging in life. Like my story, I was afraid because I was moving into something I'd never done before. Even though this is a natural response, we can allow that fear to hold us hostage, preventing us from moving through it. I could have impulsively quit my job, not shown up and gone running home instead.

But sometimes fear also serves us well. Like the feeling we have about a place or person. We get a "vibe" and that's a good kind of fear, the kind that acts as a warning, to remind us to be aware. 

Our job is to recognize when fear is helping us and when it might be hindering us.

Either way, it's a warning about change - good or bad. We can embrace fear as our friend and take it by the hand, recognizing its job is to keep us safe. We need to evaluate the situation and determine the best course of action. Is fear protecting me or preventing me from growing? Then we can respond appropriately. "Thanks I'll make a different choice" or "Thanks but I'm going to do this anyway." Which is what I did when I walked into the classroom the next day. I took a deep breath and never looked back.

How do you manage fear?

Leave a comment, I'd love to hear from you!

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Healthy Anti-Anxiety Medication That Works!

Everyone I know is stressed. We all have too much to do. Responsibilities at work pile up- the barrage of emails, phone calls, appointments. Then there's home. Kids need new sneakers, dental appointments, parent/teacher conferences. The list never ends. Home repairs, yoga class, and heaven forbid, an actual date!

If we're not careful life can blur by, our minds a state of chaotic frenzy. The pace of life seems to be increasing too and we move faster and faster. Until what?

No wonder most Americans are stressed. According to the National Institute of Mental Health, the United States is now the most anxious nation in the world.

I used to fall into the crazed trap, running around like a maniac, heart racing, never feeling like I'd ever manage, let alone catch up. Stupidly, I continually added to my To Do List without taking anything off OR asking for help. Then one day I just ran out of steam. It was January, 2011. For seven years I'd been running a school while raising two girls. I went back to school in 2008 which soon involved internships of nearly 20 hours a week. Then I had sick family members to care for and, after I graduated in December, 2010, was simply done.

It wasn't until I finally stopped that I began to see how insane my life had become. Now it was time for me to re-evaluate and redefine how I wanted to show up in the world.

Here's what I decided:

1. Meditation is Key 

I had always been meditating which is probably how I managed to get everything done in the first place but I renewed my commitment to silence and to giving the gift of communing with God to myself. 

2. New Email Attitude

In Authentic Success, Robert Holden says, "you're inbox will be full even when you're dead." When I read that, a light bulb went off. "Wow! Now I won't feel pressured to read and answer everything." I unsubscribed from lists significantly reducing the quantity of emails I received. Then I scheduled times to actually read them rather than constantly being distracted by the inbox throughout the day.

3. Self Love is ALWAYS the Answer

I observed how many of my tasks were oriented towards others and felt obligatory rather than celebratory. Much of what I was doing was about getting attention and love (notice how much I got done today? Aren't you impressed? See how much I love you- I did this and this and this...) I made a list of everything I did and re-prioritized based on ME and what I now wanted in my life.

4. 80/20 Yeah, Baby

There is simply no way to get everything done and it is super easy to fall into overwhelm. In my attempt to avoid that awful place, I now try to choose wisely. I look at everything that purportedly needs to get done and pick the MOST important tasks.

5. Play Time

Schedule time just to have fun, whatever that means to you (because there's always more to do). For me, that's getting into a good novel, being in nature,  doing art work or traveling. Play is re-energizing and allows for creative flow. 

6. Leave Work AT Work

This is my super biggy. It's about reclaiming balance so that work doesn't consume and take over (you know it will). Conscientiously CLOSE your computer. Don't answer the phone. Take the evening to unwind, have a conversation with your daughter or husband. Maybe even enjoy a glass of wine! 

These 6 life style modifications have enabled me to live more joyfully, less stressed and are great healthy alternatives to medication! 

Let me know what YOU think. What's your way of de-stressing? Share in the comments. I SO want to know what works for you.

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I'd love to keep providing you with great ideas and strategies to have your life work better for you!

Never Do THIS in Your Romantic Relationship

Have you ever gotten into a fight and been so angry with your partner that you wanted to walk out the door? Your whole body is tense, heart is pumping, mind whizzing and you're just plain seething mad?

How then do you lie down in bed together? Do you turn over, back towards your partner and sleep as close to your side of the bed as possible? Do you choose not to sleep in the bedroom but opt instead for the couch? 

What's it like for you in the morning after a night like that? Are you still angry? Angrier? Hurt? Upset?

Then what happens? Is there any resolution or does life move on, the origin of the fight forgotten (or buried) and it's back to the daily routine.

How about trying something different?

How about NOT going to bed angry? 

I know it's hard. Especially if you're a big cry baby like me. Once I start, it can be impossible to hold back the emotional flood. Sometimes it's so bad that the words can't even come out. I hiccup and choke, then there's the constant stream of snot. Not pretty BUT effective. 

Here's why we have to talk - because when we fight with someone we love what we really feel underneath is hurt. Hurt that they can't see our point of view, hurt that they might think badly of us, maybe even mad at ourselves for hurting them and that hurts. It's the sting of disappointment.

Lately when these episodes have come up for me, it's been around my partner's inability to see my side of a story or believe my viewpoint. This can be super frustrating partly because I hate feeling misunderstood. And if I'm not careful, I quickly fall down the rabbit hole of victim - "why can't anyone understand me" or my defenses go up and it's "f*** you then."

But if I can take a step back and instead of feeding my need to be right, I can say. "You know, I'm feeling attacked right now by your response" or "I really feel like you cannot hear me right now."

Then I have to also attempt to recognize my role in it. Am I being genuine or unrealistic? Am I just picking a fight because I'm in a bad mood? Between these two strategies, I can usually de-escalate myself and the situation.

Choosing to talk instead of avoiding (and staying mad) is the brave path. We have to swallow our pride, overcome feeling wounded and speak up. YOUR relationship is worth it. Every time I do this, it strengthens my marriage. Otherwise those unsaid words and hurt feelings build up. And brick by emotional brick, they create a wall between you and the one you love most. So, be brave and open up. Share when you're angry and resolve it. Be willing to talk about the fight, own your part. Help your partner own theirs and go to bed in peace.

Can you relate to any of this? Share with me!

Tell me what you found successful. How do you overcome anger and conflict? Leave a comment!

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It's All About Trust

A few months ago, right around the New Year, I wrote about Robert Holden's idea of choosing one word to be your guide for the year. A word that you could contemplate, evaluate and ideally embrace this year, 2014.

My word is trust.

Four months into my exploration with this word, I have come to see its many manifestations in my life.

For one, I will confess to not being terribly trusting - of myself, of others, of the future. All of this lack of trust is from my past, from not feeling supported or nurtured, and from thinking the world is an unsafe place. I have worked on this for a decade but am determined to shed my lack of trust this year. And this resolution has gotten me thinking about all the ways it manifests in my life.

Whether we want to believe it or not, trust defines our lives. It is how we view everything and our place in it.

Do I trust myself and my inner knowing? 

What about the future?

Is the Universe benevolent and supportive?

Can I open up and trust my partner?

As I do this exploration, I am reminded of how trust transformed my love life.

When I was in my mid 30s, my marriage fell apart. I was as much to blame as my husband. I was naive and hadn't spent enough time nurturing our connection together. Instead, I allowed life to constantly get in the way and focused too much of my attention on my career and my children. 

After that, I decided I was done with relationships and would devote my life to God (and my kids). I wasn't going to pursue another love partner. But, as the Universe typically works, we find love when we least expect it. This time, though, he and I were determined to do things differently, and as part of that made a commitment of total honesty and truth to one another. It was the first time in my life that I allowed myself to open up to someone and show them ALL of me - the parts I liked and was proud of, and the parts I disliked and was ashamed of. And here's what happened, I didn't get rejected. In fact one night he told me, "when you share like that with me, it makes me love you even more."

What!?!?!?

Yup. 

As he and I walked through this new love I started to see that as I opened up and trusted him, I trusted myself more, I trusted God more. It was like this relationship was the gateway to trust and all the lines ran parallel. I opened to him, and everything else expanded.

In sharing this story, I am describing what Brene Brown writes in Daring Greatly about our willingness to be vulnerable. That's why we're afraid of trust - because it means we have to be vulnerable and we might get hurt. We are exposing ourselves. But, as she writes, "we need to feel trust to be vulnerable and we need to be vulnerable in order to trust."

Relationships are a great place to start. So try it. Choose one thing to share with your partner. One fear or desire. Maybe it's something you never told anyone before. How will you say it? Is there a good time? You'll know.

And then, tell us what happened! Leave a comment about your story or let me know what you thought of mine!

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Is the Answer Yes or No?

Is your answer YES to life or NO?

How many times in your day do you find that you say yes to life? Maybe you get invited to lunch with a friend or it's a beautiful day out, perfect for a walk on the beach. Is your response a resounding yes? I hope so. I know for me sometimes I say yes and sometimes I don't. And there may be a reason why I'm not saying yes. These are some of my personal selections. Do any of these sound familiar? "I don't have time. Today's my chore day. I have to work. Maybe another time." Or my absolute favorite, "I don't feel like it." (Usually this one is reserved for me and I come up with a more lofty excuse to say out loud.)

 Life is always offering us opportunities to expand and to grow. To reach out of our comfort zone or complacency and connect more deeply be it with one another, with nature and even with ourselves. Invariably when we do this, what happens? We feel more fulfilled and engaged. So why is it that we don't always do it?

Sometimes we simply can't because we do legitimately have prior commitments. I have appointments to keep, deadlines to meet, tasks to complete. We all do. And yet it's important to remain vigilant to our own choices - how we may or may not be limiting ourselves. It can be insidious. Work and "busy" can take over pretty fast. 

Lately I've been watching my pattern of saying yes to life or saying no. And here is what I am observing. In general, when I say yes and then do it (have a meeting, teach a class, complete my to do list, go birdwatching, work out, play...) I feel great! I truly do feel more engaged and present in my life. I feel alive and happy. When I say no because I don't think I have time or maybe feel too stressed or simply don't want to, here's how I usually feel - worse.

This got me thinking about my life in general and it seems to me that essentially, in each moment, we are being asked to open, open to life, open to love, open to the moment. Feel the sun on my face, hear the sounds of the lawnmowers in the distance, smile at the cashier at the bank. Or not. It is always my choice, to open to what is happening right now or to close off, hunker down, disconnect.

That is my practice for right now, to recognize that in EACH moment, I am being asked to open. And then to become the witness as much as the actor and simultaneously open to possibility as well as observe my choice.

Ultimately our lives are filled with the choices we make in each moment - to open or close. All of us know people on both sides of that spectrum. People who say yes and lots of people who say no. Most of us are somewhere in the middle. Yet we all know that when we do open, it feels natural. We are connecting to who we truly are. We just seem to need a moment to moment reminder.

Getting Beyond BUT

I don't know about you but there are some days when I don't feel like doing anything. I want to roll over and turn off my alarm clock, put the pillow back over my head and sleep. Then there are days when I actually do get up because I have to take my daughter to school and I have all the best intentions. I actually dress in my workout gear drive her to school only to come back home and, you can guess, climb back into bed. Don't get me wrong, I think it's great to have a day off, or even a mental health day, a day to do nothing or even a day to simply be unstructured. In this work obsessed culture, it's totally healthy and necessary. 

But how do we know when we should honor that voice telling us we need more rest, time off, etc and when we need to move past it and get on with our day, our year, our life? For most of us, it's by having eternal accountability which typically takes the form of boss. We know that if we're late to work again or absent another day, we'll get fired. If we miss too much school we could fail or get expelled. So these external factors motivate us to get up and go. And they work great at that, right? Most people roll out of bed, into the shower and are dressed and off to work even on the days they might not want to be going. Typically we are happy we have shown up in our lives too.

We can use this same concept of external accountability to help us with other things we want to accomplish but face similar resistance about. Things ranging from weight loss to running a marathon to completing any task or chore. Often we neglect to give ourselves the time to do the things we most want in our lives and find loads of reasons why we simply don't have time or have to clean all the windows in the house instead.

Is there something in your life that you've been hankering to do but haven't gotten around to yet? Maybe it's planting a vegetable garden, learning how to surf or making a photo album of your last trip. If we can create a way to include some kind of accountability, it will help us achieve that goal. Maybe a friend can help or we sign up for lessons or simply give ourselves a completion date. All of these can help to create motivation so we can get beyond BUT.

A Prisoner to Anger?

Recently I found myself irritated and annoyed by someone in my life. I was struggling with acceptance and found myself aggravated and put out. My mind was on a circular track, like a broken record stuck in a groove, repeating over and over again, allowing me to wallow in my negativity. 

Later that day, I went to a discussion group. We read and talked about passages reminding me that I am not my mind. I am not even my thoughts! The conversation gave me objectivity and helped me break out of my negative pattern. I began to let it go. As I sat there contemplating my own process, I started to see how my anger and frustration were holding me prisoner in my mind. It had control over me because all I could think about and fixate on was feeling wronged. Then I thought, "do I really want to give this person that power over me?" Wow. Of course the answer was a resounding, "NO!"

Toward the end of the discussion, another member shared that he also was trapped in resentment. Those weren't his words, exactly. What he said was that he wasn't able to get passed a person who'd wronged him. It sounded like it had happened a long time ago. 

Of course the first words that came to my mind were, "you have to forgive him, the person who wronged you." But the gentleman wasn't hearing this. I looked at him and could see that his anger had distorted his facial features. Listening, it became clear that he'd allowed the bitterness to even define him. Who was he if he wasn't betrayed?

This man was mirroring my own inner conflict. I saw in front of me how the anger we hold onto, really holds us. Just as I'd been locked in a prison cell all day with my obsessive thoughts, I could see this man was too. For him though, it had been years. 

There is a quotation often attributed to the Buddha or Pema Chodrun but the origin is actually from Alcoholics Anonymous, "Anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die."

What I felt inside myself on Monday and what I saw with this gentleman, was that quotation playing out exactly. We are the ones who feel the anger so ultimately it is punishing us. When we forgive, we set ouselves free. It's the irony of forgiveness. Our egos resist it so much, "we've been wronged! She's hurt us!" But the reality is that we are the ones who go on hurting ourselves over and over again by holding onto that pain. So I am resentful. How does she know? She has no idea. She doesn't feel my anger, only I do.

When we forgive, it doesn't mean that we forget or even deny that another person hurt us. It doesn't remove their responsibility, minimize or justify their actions. We can release the emotions without excusing the wrong. Forgiveness allows for an internal peace, helping us go on with life.

Sometimes when we've been holding anger for so long it can be hard to forgive. Louise Hay recommends that even if we're not ready to forgive we can be "willing to forgive." The Universe will support even our willingness and help us get there. Along with the mental health benefits of releasing resentment are the physical health benefits. As the Mayo Clinic reports, forgiveness allows for less anxiety and stress, lower blood pressure and reduced risk or alcohol or substance abuse.

So don't think about forgiveness as something we do for another person, think about it as a gift we give to ourselves. Be willing to walk over that proverbial bridge to the other side, the side of healing, love and empowerment. As Louise Hay says, "I forgive and I set MYSELF free." 

You - The Only Relationship That Really Matters

I woke up this morning, checked my email and found one from my 19 year-old daughter, Ayu, with the subject line PLEASE READ. Of course it was the first thing I did. 

My gorgeous daughter, Ayu.

About a month or so ago, she and I'd been on the phone when she'd started crying telling me about the inner work she'd begun, trying to understand herself better and address her "issues." In the journal entry/email she'd forwarded to me, I could see her honesty right there on the page. She was indeed delving into areas of discomfort like self esteem, body image and negative habits. But what she said that really got my attention was:

People my age are obsessing about their relationships with other people: friends, lovers, family, professors, coworkers, etc. But the relationship I am most interested in right now, is my relationship with myself. Sure, we go through rough patches. Sometimes I’m a little more judgmental than I should be, and sometimes I get mad at myself. But hey, that’s normal. What’s important is that I’m in a committed relationship with myself, and I’m willing to do whatever it takes to make it work, because I’m worth it.    

And I realized that she was absolutely right, our relationship with ourselves is the only one that really mattters.

Recently I was working with a woman who just retired. She'd been looking forward to this for quite a while but was being undermined daily by her high level of anxiety. In our talks, she realized that throughout her life, she'd allowed herself to be so "busy" she never had time to deal with herself. Suddenly, her all consuming job had dropped away and she was left face to face with herself.

Why is it that we spend so much time, like Ayu says, focused on our relationships with others or like the retired woman, on our jobs while avoiding our relationship with ourselves? Is it that we are afraid? What do we think we might find? If I look in the mirror of my soul, what will I see?

I first started doing this internal work in my early twenties, when I was trying to release myself from an eating disorder. It was through this inquiry that I began to see my eating was just a symptom of something deeper. As I delved into that, I learned that I ate to give myself love, to be nurtured and to quell my anxiety. But inner work, the real work of our lives- to understand and love ourselves- is on-going. I have heard it described like peeling away the layers of an onion, spiraling back around again and again. 

We are all afraid of what we are going to see when we look into the mirror of our souls but the truth is, if we are wounded, what we see is a little girl (or boy) desperate to be loved. As we open our hearts with compassion and love to that "inner child" we allow ourselves to be healed. The old wounds fall away and our true beauty shines through. We release the pain and it sets us free.

It's easy to avoid ourselves and focus instead on a family member, job or numbing out with drugs, alcohol or too much TV. We're all inclined to run away from understanding who we truly are and what we are doing here. But if we can pause long enough to be with ourselves, we might discover that contrary to what we were taught or what was modeled for us, we are all profound, capable of loving and of being loved and can be our own best friends. This is truly the relationship that matters most and deserves our total commitment.

Living with Anxiety: 5 Ways to Cope

 Seems like every time I turn on the news, the world gets more crazy. Recently it's the government shut down, unsettling not just to Americans but financial markets the world over and the furloughed workers... no paychecks but bills constantly piling up. Sounds stressful.

It isn't just them either. Perhaps I have a job but find an abnormal growth on my neck or a typhoon is bearing down on close relatives. How do we live with this level of chaos? It's hard not to let anxiety creep in, take over and steer life. Anxiety is caused by big events but also the little ones too. I have to get to work on time, my car won't start, I forgot my computer cord at home... sound familiar?

What do we do? Do we allow ourselves to get sucked into the vortex of chaos, stress out and be overwhelmed by anxiety? It's an option, for sure but the price is pretty high, especially on our bodies: increased heart problems, stroke, thyroid and adrenal troubles, challenges sleeping, alcohol/drug addiction, obesity. Truthfully, it's hard not to get affected. After all, life's often crazy and chaotic. It's easy to get sucked into it despite our best efforts.

I used to think, "when this is over (fill in the blank), everything will settle down and I can get on with my regularly scheduled life." That was my false belief for years. Until one day it suddenly dawned on me that what I was experiencing was life! Things are going along and then invariably, slam! Something happens - the water boiler explodes, a daughter gets stranded at the airport, the dog breaks his leg, Aunt Helen gets rushed to the hospital. Sound familiar? Of course because we all experience it every day; Life. Somehow the exciting events- the raise, the anniversary celebration, the new car,  never seem to undermine us, only the unexpected ones. So how do we take the upswings, the excitements, as well as the downturns in stride? Here are some ideas to help make life's unexpected ups and downs more accepting:

1. Perpective /Gratitude - Some people say perspective helps. Perhaps another way to think about this is being grateful for what we have in life. "I have a warm bed. I live in a safe community, I have a solid job. I have a supportive spouse. I have a reliable car. I am healthy." When we focus on what we have in our lives, what is good, we can attract more of that to us. We can also feel lucky as so many people struggle to feed their families, to have a roof overhead. So when unexpected things do happen, we feel more of a cushion. It seems small compared to all the good we are experiencing.
2. Breathing - Sometimes when I get really nervous or anxious, I stop breathing. The first time I noticed this was when I was in a crew regatta in high school. My boat was sitting under a bridge on the Stotesbury River in Philadelphia. It was the final heat and our coxswain was trying to get us in position, always a challenge with 8 oars. I was so scared I simply ceased breathing, the worse thing to do while exercising! Suddenly I realized, "I'm not breathing!!!" I then had to consciously think about it, "inhale, exhale, inhale, exhale." before I knew it the gun went off and we were rowing our guts out toward the finish line. Breathing is a great way to help the body relax. Anxiety causes us to create adrenalin and puts us on hyper alert: fight or flight. But most of the time we are not about to be attacked by a lion. Maybe we are stuck in traffic or have a term paper to complete in 10 hours. Breathing can help the body relax and help us to  step out of the freneticism caused by anxiety. It can clear the mind too to think more rationally so as not to just react to the current situation.  
3. Positive Thinking & Affirmations - Many people wake up feeling anxious or dread. Every Monday for the last month or so, that's been me. As if the week is daunting and I think, "Gulp, here I go, into unknown territory. So much to do..." How do I manage those feelings? I talk to myself as Lousie Hay would say, "in kind and loving ways." I use affirmations to help manage my mind talk. I have a great CD of hers entitled "101 Power Thoughts." It's a little intense because she literally powers through this massive list of affirmations. A few years ago when I had a long commute, I would listen to it in the morning and it made a huge difference for my day. One that really stuck with me from those drives was when she says, "my thoughts are my best friends." And my mind responded, "really, since when?" Then I realized, why not? Why should our thoughts be our worst critics? Can't they be our best friends instead? Now when I find myself feeling afraid, feeling dread, I try to channel my inner cheerleader and remind myself that "only good lies before me" that "everything I do brings me joy" and it really helps.
4. Meditation - Of course I also meditate which is my biggest savior. I started meditating in 1997 when a teacher/friend of mine said. "you need to meditate every morning." To which I replied, "I don't have time." She looked at me and said, "Make time." I am grateful to Lily Diamond for that because it has changed my experience of living. Sometimes I describe what meditation does for me as creating space around me so that I don't take the craziness of the world so seriously. Most of the time that works but I am human and sometimes life just seems to push me over the edge and I fall right into the chaos. Many Spiritual teachers talk about not getting sucked into the chaos of the world - the politics, the environmental degradation, the pain and suffering, our own personal challenges. And I think sometimes this can be misunderstood and interpreted as that they don't care, not true. I care deeply about the world so much so that the poverty, clear cuts, and violence I read about have often left me in a heap of tears. I have been physically affected by global tragedies but this response isn't helpful to me or the world. To "live in the world but not of it" allows me to operate from a place of compassion without physically taking on the pain. This is why I love meditation.    
5. Exercise - Anxiety is felt in our minds and in our bodies. One of the best ways to manage it is to do physical exercise, particularly aerobic exercise. Not only does it help to clear the mind, it makes us feel physically better from the release of endorphins. Sometimes when I am really stressed, I go for a run and when I'm done, I feel like a different person!  

We all get to experience this world and we get to decide how that is. Are we going to allow the chaos to unseat us and fill our bodies and minds with anxiety? Or are we going to utilize tools to help us manage our lives and ultimately feel more in control? Of course the choice is up to us. 

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