It's All About Trust

A few months ago, right around the New Year, I wrote about Robert Holden's idea of choosing one word to be your guide for the year. A word that you could contemplate, evaluate and ideally embrace this year, 2014.

My word is trust.

Four months into my exploration with this word, I have come to see its many manifestations in my life.

For one, I will confess to not being terribly trusting - of myself, of others, of the future. All of this lack of trust is from my past, from not feeling supported or nurtured, and from thinking the world is an unsafe place. I have worked on this for a decade but am determined to shed my lack of trust this year. And this resolution has gotten me thinking about all the ways it manifests in my life.

Whether we want to believe it or not, trust defines our lives. It is how we view everything and our place in it.

Do I trust myself and my inner knowing? 

What about the future?

Is the Universe benevolent and supportive?

Can I open up and trust my partner?

As I do this exploration, I am reminded of how trust transformed my love life.

When I was in my mid 30s, my marriage fell apart. I was as much to blame as my husband. I was naive and hadn't spent enough time nurturing our connection together. Instead, I allowed life to constantly get in the way and focused too much of my attention on my career and my children. 

After that, I decided I was done with relationships and would devote my life to God (and my kids). I wasn't going to pursue another love partner. But, as the Universe typically works, we find love when we least expect it. This time, though, he and I were determined to do things differently, and as part of that made a commitment of total honesty and truth to one another. It was the first time in my life that I allowed myself to open up to someone and show them ALL of me - the parts I liked and was proud of, and the parts I disliked and was ashamed of. And here's what happened, I didn't get rejected. In fact one night he told me, "when you share like that with me, it makes me love you even more."

What!?!?!?

Yup. 

As he and I walked through this new love I started to see that as I opened up and trusted him, I trusted myself more, I trusted God more. It was like this relationship was the gateway to trust and all the lines ran parallel. I opened to him, and everything else expanded.

In sharing this story, I am describing what Brene Brown writes in Daring Greatly about our willingness to be vulnerable. That's why we're afraid of trust - because it means we have to be vulnerable and we might get hurt. We are exposing ourselves. But, as she writes, "we need to feel trust to be vulnerable and we need to be vulnerable in order to trust."

Relationships are a great place to start. So try it. Choose one thing to share with your partner. One fear or desire. Maybe it's something you never told anyone before. How will you say it? Is there a good time? You'll know.

And then, tell us what happened! Leave a comment about your story or let me know what you thought of mine!

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The Best Lesson I Ever Learned About Relationships

I've always been a romantic from the time I was a little girl. I bought it all, thinking that I'd be rescued from my unhappy situation, that somehow I'd meet the love of my dreams, and live happily ever after. As part of my fantasy, I was hooked on the idea of falling in love even though I don't know that I had any idea of what love actually was.

For years I harbored my romantic dream. My life's journey took me through many cities and some wonderful relationships. I have to admit, I have been pretty darn lucky!  But it wasn't until I was ready to give up entirely that I finally got it. My fantasy had finally popped and I was face to face with my own unhappiness and was now a single mother. I decided I was officially done with romance, done with relationships, done with love.

It seems that I have an ironic agreement with God. I always think I know what's best. I try and try and try then invariably fail. After that I give up totally, put my life in God's hands and (ironically) God then provides it.

And here is the secret I wish I'd learned when I was 13: be friends first. 

I know it sounds super simple and I suppose it is but simple can be true and simple can be real and simple can lead you everywhere you want to go.

So, what do I mean when I say be friends first? Here is what I mean - 

Hot and heavy is short lived. 

When we get real with ourselves we know it's true. Sex is great but that intense physical attraction isn't sustainable in the long run. 

Sharing interests is. Having fun together is. Enjoying one another's company is. 

Not long ago I was talking to a friend of mine who is always looking for love and is chronically disappointed. This was my advice to him. Be friends first. Because even if your sex life is INCREDIBLE, it isn't happening 24 hours a day (be honest) BUT you are in an emotional relationship with someone 24 hours a day. And it makes a HUGE difference when that person is your confidante, best friend, most fun playmate AND lover.

Don't believe me? Look around. Who do you know that's in a romantic relationship and is happy, fulfilled, growing? My guess is it's couples who really value one another, genuinely care about each other and relish spending time together.

So, the next time you find yourself looking for Mr. (or Mrs. Right), think about being his or her friend first. Take it slowly. Get to know one another and allow that love to grow naturally. You might just be amazed.

What have you found successful in your relationships? Leave a comment, let's start a dialog!

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4 Secrets to Being More Self Motivated

Last week I was talking to my 19 year-old about motivation. Why is it that certain people are motivated and others aren't? That some folks seem to walk through life stress-free while others wear it all over them? And that got me thinking.

When I was in my 20s, I needed extrinsic (outside of myself) means to keep me motivated. Partly because I was struggling with addiction issues and avoidance issues. I was easily stressed and lacked the confidence to get things done on my own. Work and school did that well, although not without stress and weight gain. I had to turn in my paper by Friday or be prepared for a dozen phone calls on September 12th. Deadlines helped keep me on track but I wasn't sure what to do with my stress and wasn't great at time management, often waiting until the last minute to get stuff done. But working a regular job helped ground me. That and dealing with my eating disorder and anxiety. A job required me to show up. I knew where I had to be and when. These kinds of responsibilities helped instill discipline and over time I became skilled at getting things done well and on time.

As I continued to work and mature, this motivation started becoming intrinsic (from inside of me) and I began to develop the habit of learning for myself how to structure my time, create my own deadlines and work towards goals. This has given me the freedom to have more flexibility in my life and feel happy that I can accomplish tasks when I put my mind to them!

So what helped me with that transition? The most important component is to recognize that our behaviors are habits. We talk all the time in our society about bad habits (smoking, fingernail biting, technology addiction) but we don't talk much about creating healthy habits. Things that we want in life such as working out regularly, eating well, and time management. Mastering motivation is another of these habits and is totally learnable!

If you feel like you could be more self motivated, perhaps these tips will help you!

1. The first step is dealing with your mind - A positive, can do attitude makes all the difference.

• Speak to yourself in kind and loving ways.
• Give yourself a pep talk, you can totally do it.
• If confidence falters, again support yourself with gentleness. Remind yourself of how much progress you have already made. It's so easy to always be looking ahead to where we want to go and forget to look behind at what we've already accomplished.

2. Focus on what needs to get done - Let's say that you have a huge project on rainfall to put together. 

• Break it down into parts - when we focus on smaller bits, everything feels more do-able.
• Make a list of everything you have to do
• Schedule it!
  • I really like to start with my deadline as a date, (usually I move that 2-3 days before the actual date).
  • Then I work backward filling in what has to happen in order for me to get there - this might be (next to each of these is a date):
    • outline of project
    • research
    • write first draft
    • add slides/images
    • edit and re-write
    • assemble, practice
• Falling behind? Get help! Ask a colleague for help or see if you can find a buddy or coach to help you stay on track and accountable.

3. Reward yourself!

What do you get for a job well done? A pedicure? A nice dinner at your favorite restaurant? It's critical to congratulate ourselves when we accomplish our goals. Choose something that feels special to you.

4. Surround yourself with support.

Your friends need to be positive and motivating. They  can help you if you have a crisis in confidence or can't seem to get passed completing the bibliography. Find ways to keep learning and growing yourself too! There are tons of resources available. Research it and get new insights and answers. Then you can help others accomplish their goals and that feels awesome!

Let me know how this works for you!

Leave a comment below about any of these "secrets" that you tried. Share your thoughts about other ideas. I would LOVE to hear from you!

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Lost and Found

A few months ago one of my former high school students found me on Facebook. She still lives in Hong Kong these 20+ years later and last Friday night we finally caught up. It was like time collapsed and we spoke as if resuming a conversation we'd been having the previous day.

I looked at her face over Skype, and she at me, she was exactly the same! She still had her innocence, sense of wonder and curiosity about the world. She went on to share what she'd been doing these past two decades and her words were balm to my soul.

She told me that she had been searching for meaning in her life, to assert her own independence and find her way in the world. Having grown up in an Indian family, it was assumed that she'd never attend college but marry after finishing high school. She had decided not to pursue that path, putting herself through university instead and is now an English teacher herself. 

But she didn't stop there, she went on elaborating about her own personal journey of healing and of trying to understand what she (and all of us) are doing here. I heard her fearlessness and desire to know speak to me through her words. I was simply silenced by her willingness to break free from what anyone was "telling" her to do and live for herself. It is never an easy path but it certainly is the most fulfilling. 

Toward the end of our conversation, she thanked me for caring about her. When she'd been 17, she'd told me a secret which last night confirmed she had never told anyone else. All of these years I had wondered what had happened with her. If she had indeed done what her family wanted and married an Indian man and possibly moved to the subcontinent. I'd always kept her in my heart, she was such a precious, beautiful child and I'd cherished knowing her. 

Maybe her family is unhappy with her as she didn't follow their expectations. Maybe they created this outcome through their own actions. But this young woman decided to wake up and live her life for her. Looking at her across the computer screen and 10,000 miles all I could feel was awe for her willingness to be vulnerable, her desire to heal herself and walk through her painful past, and her intention to then help others along the way. I could not have felt more proud if she were my own child. I was humbled by her passion, commitment to living truthfully and her compassion not only for herself but for others. I know that she will shine her light in our world and be a guide post for many and I am filled with gratitude to have had the opportunity to play a small role in helping her along the way.

Wait, What? No Skiing?

The view from my condo window,

I have been so lucky this past week. I've been on vacation with my family in Colorado, skiing. We love to come out in March because, typically, it's sunny and warm but there's still a solid base of snow. Normally, I'm up and out every day, maximizing my time and skiing until my legs hurt and I'm basically wasted for the rest of the night (and pass out around 9). But this trip has been different and today while the flurries fall from the sky, I am stuck inside with an awful head cold watching colorful skiers and snowboarders glide past my window.

Part of me wanted to push myself. After all, it's my last day, my final chance to ski in 2014- for an entire year. I only get one week a year to ski which is why I typically give it my all. I did that yesterday, dragged myself out. It was sunny and warm and I simply could not resist but EVERY chairlift ride up, I was blowing and blowing- a real snot queen. Of course, I probably overdid it which is why I feel even worse today. So it was no surprise when I got an enneagram email today reminding me that:

"True love of self entails a profound acceptance of ourselves—returning to Presence and settling into ourselves as we actually are without attempting to change ourselves or our experience." (The Wisdom of the Enneagram, 345)

Okay, I reasoned, I just have to accept that I feel like crap right now and appreciate that instead of wanting it to be different. But, I have to say, it's kind of hard! I mean really, everyone hates being sick but this is like a double whammy. No skiing and sick! Boo!

Sometimes acceptance comes to us in strange moments and I feel like I'm in one now. Life is what is in this moment and I am often reminded that if I can embrace and love what is happening right now, it will set me free. Instead, I fight and resist and want to change it. But maybe for today I won't. Maybe I will just vicariously enjoy the winter wonderland outside my door. And take a nap instead.

No I did NOT just eat that entire box of cookies

Growing up I struggled constantly with my weight. I was the little fat girl, cute but chubby. In fact my father once told me, “you were fat from the time you were born.”

I ate because it was my way of nurturing and loving myself. But it was also how I handled stress in my life and when stress got amped up, I blew up.

The first time I ever really experienced this was in high school. I’d decided to go to a prestigious boarding school thinking that it would be ‘intellectually stimulating.” Well, I quickly felt totally out of my league and terrified. So what did I do? I ate. I gained like 20 pounds in a month. And that started my pattern. I’d experience stress, and eat it away. This continued through college until one day when I was about 22, I wandered into a feminine bookstore in Cambridge Mass and in the diet/food section found a book called When Food is Love by Geneen Roth. Let’s just say I devoured the book. She spoke to me- to who I was, what I was feeling, like she knew me.

She wrote about how as children we use food as love because we don’t experience love- our houses are violent, scary, unpredictable. She goes on to say that food is there when we’re kids but ultimately prevents us from having intimate relationships as adults (with ourselves AND others) and the light bulb went on.

The book laid out her plan which is a pretty simple one. Listen to your body. Wow, that was novel! I never even wanted to BE in my body! I hated it, it was ugly and fat… but I did. I started listening for the cues of when I actually felt hungry and full. Then she suggests you eat whatever you want – no way! She recommends this because the power of denial is so great. Think about it like a rubber band. The tighter you stretch it the farther it flies.

I knew it was the same for me with sweets, I’d seen it over and over again in my life. The more I denied myself eating what I craved, the more I binged when I caved. So naturally when I started it was, “Oh, wow, I actually feel hungry, let’s eat a chocolate cake!” which I would, until I was full.

That’s the first step, releasing ourselves from allowing food to have power or control over us. And I’m not gonna lie- mastering this took me 3 years but eventually I was able to be at peace with food.

The next step was to go under the surface. My food addiction was simply covering over all the emotions I didn’t want to feel. It’s identifying the triggers, the whys behind the actions. And truthfully, this is my life’s journey. We all have to learn how to live with discomfort without numbing it. And that is a lifetime of work.

Now when I share that I had an eating disorder, folks ALWAYS think I was anorexic. I have gone from being a fat person to a thin person- well to a satisfied person. And many people have told me I am the only person they know who has done this successfully, completely changed their relationship with food. I know it isn’t true. We all have the ability to transform our lives if we’re willing to do the work. That’s what this adventure called life is all about, right!?

Is the Answer Yes or No?

Is your answer YES to life or NO?

How many times in your day do you find that you say yes to life? Maybe you get invited to lunch with a friend or it's a beautiful day out, perfect for a walk on the beach. Is your response a resounding yes? I hope so. I know for me sometimes I say yes and sometimes I don't. And there may be a reason why I'm not saying yes. These are some of my personal selections. Do any of these sound familiar? "I don't have time. Today's my chore day. I have to work. Maybe another time." Or my absolute favorite, "I don't feel like it." (Usually this one is reserved for me and I come up with a more lofty excuse to say out loud.)

 Life is always offering us opportunities to expand and to grow. To reach out of our comfort zone or complacency and connect more deeply be it with one another, with nature and even with ourselves. Invariably when we do this, what happens? We feel more fulfilled and engaged. So why is it that we don't always do it?

Sometimes we simply can't because we do legitimately have prior commitments. I have appointments to keep, deadlines to meet, tasks to complete. We all do. And yet it's important to remain vigilant to our own choices - how we may or may not be limiting ourselves. It can be insidious. Work and "busy" can take over pretty fast. 

Lately I've been watching my pattern of saying yes to life or saying no. And here is what I am observing. In general, when I say yes and then do it (have a meeting, teach a class, complete my to do list, go birdwatching, work out, play...) I feel great! I truly do feel more engaged and present in my life. I feel alive and happy. When I say no because I don't think I have time or maybe feel too stressed or simply don't want to, here's how I usually feel - worse.

This got me thinking about my life in general and it seems to me that essentially, in each moment, we are being asked to open, open to life, open to love, open to the moment. Feel the sun on my face, hear the sounds of the lawnmowers in the distance, smile at the cashier at the bank. Or not. It is always my choice, to open to what is happening right now or to close off, hunker down, disconnect.

That is my practice for right now, to recognize that in EACH moment, I am being asked to open. And then to become the witness as much as the actor and simultaneously open to possibility as well as observe my choice.

Ultimately our lives are filled with the choices we make in each moment - to open or close. All of us know people on both sides of that spectrum. People who say yes and lots of people who say no. Most of us are somewhere in the middle. Yet we all know that when we do open, it feels natural. We are connecting to who we truly are. We just seem to need a moment to moment reminder.

Getting Beyond BUT

I don't know about you but there are some days when I don't feel like doing anything. I want to roll over and turn off my alarm clock, put the pillow back over my head and sleep. Then there are days when I actually do get up because I have to take my daughter to school and I have all the best intentions. I actually dress in my workout gear drive her to school only to come back home and, you can guess, climb back into bed. Don't get me wrong, I think it's great to have a day off, or even a mental health day, a day to do nothing or even a day to simply be unstructured. In this work obsessed culture, it's totally healthy and necessary. 

But how do we know when we should honor that voice telling us we need more rest, time off, etc and when we need to move past it and get on with our day, our year, our life? For most of us, it's by having eternal accountability which typically takes the form of boss. We know that if we're late to work again or absent another day, we'll get fired. If we miss too much school we could fail or get expelled. So these external factors motivate us to get up and go. And they work great at that, right? Most people roll out of bed, into the shower and are dressed and off to work even on the days they might not want to be going. Typically we are happy we have shown up in our lives too.

We can use this same concept of external accountability to help us with other things we want to accomplish but face similar resistance about. Things ranging from weight loss to running a marathon to completing any task or chore. Often we neglect to give ourselves the time to do the things we most want in our lives and find loads of reasons why we simply don't have time or have to clean all the windows in the house instead.

Is there something in your life that you've been hankering to do but haven't gotten around to yet? Maybe it's planting a vegetable garden, learning how to surf or making a photo album of your last trip. If we can create a way to include some kind of accountability, it will help us achieve that goal. Maybe a friend can help or we sign up for lessons or simply give ourselves a completion date. All of these can help to create motivation so we can get beyond BUT.

What, You Don't Want My Help?

Image courtesy of idea go / freedigitalphotos.net

Growing up I definitely took on the role of peacemaker in my family, taking care of everyone's needs and reducing conflict. As I approached my early twenties, this morphed into wanting to save people (and the world). Somehow I was convinced that was my job. I could see other people's suffering so wasn't it my responsibility to rescue them - even if they didn't want to be rescued?

This belief persisted even into my early thirties as I began to deepen my spiritual practice. I remember having a conversation with my friend Lily around this time. I wanted to help my parents- each in a slightly different way- but primarily for both of them to live with more joy and less anxiety around security and safety. I said something to Lily like, "but I have to. It's my job to help my mother understand. I mean if I don't, who will?"

She just looked at me and replied, "It's not your job."

Huh. That was like a mini revelation. Really? I don't have to help them? I soon discovered that she was right. The only job I did actually have was to help myself and maybe, I reasoned, if I did that, showed my loved ones my own transformation, I could set an example and then they might be inspired to change too.

After that conversation, I pretty much got off of the savior wagon but as with all things, old habits die hard and my need to help people continued only in different ways. I created healthy avenues for it by doing service work and being a teacher, therapist and life coach. But I have definitely come face to face with situations where I have tried to push my agenda onto others and have had the door shut in my face.

Most of the time that's when my help seems to be unwanted. The number one most challenging person this happened with over and over again was my sister, Melissa. Because even though Lily reminded me saving my family wasn't my job, it was really hard for me to give up on Melissa. She was my baby sister and for most of her life suffered greatly with depression. I made countless suggestions over the years from joining clubs to moving but it all fell on deaf ears. Even my mom and many of her friends and acquaintances tried too - with professional coaching, resume writing, dating, social skills training... Mel wouldn't hear any of it.

But in the end, here's what I learned. We can truly only help ourselves. We all have to do the work. If someone I love suffers but refuses to change or even see there is another way, nothing I say or do will make a difference. And let me tell you, I HATE this. It makes me feel helpless, inadequate and frustrated.

So then is it really about me, that I want to feel special and important, valued or vital? That is certainly an important question I have to ask myself when I come face to face with the "I don't want your help" situation. When I do take that step back, it gives me time to question and understand more deeply. In that process, I have come to see that I can't help someone when she is not willing to be helped. Being a do-er this can be hard. Instead sometimes those situations call for other responses - things like listening, being present and loving someone just as they are, in their place of pain or suffering. I have also learned not to judge my loved one for refusing to change. Sometimes we simply aren't ready or the pain is familiar, comfortable and gives life purpose. Again, instead of labeling it, I can simply accept it. 

Like with everything, the only way I seem to get clarity is by asking for guidance and praying for the words, actions or non-actions. Then I can trust that God will work through me and resolve this situation in everyone's highest and best good. I'm not actually the do-er, God is. I am merely the vessel for divine grace to flow through me. That clarity allows me to see she will sort it out in her own time and in her own way. After all, she's the one in charge of her own life.

Be Mine Valentine?

Happy Valentine's Day everyone! Today is the day we are supposed to express love and, ideally, receive love. So how's that going for you? 

Being a romantic, I have always loved Valentine's Day, or at least the idea of it. I have had my fair share of disappointing holidays and I am sure I am not alone. I remember in high school sending many roses and cards to boys I had crushes on without even getting a nod.

So instead of looking without for someone to love or to love me, the thought I had today was to be my own Valentine. And if you were to be your own Valentine, what would that mean to you?

For me, it would mean pampering myself. Maybe taking the time to have a candle lit bath or getting a facial. I would definitely visit my friend Gina's chocolate shop (faithhopeandchocolate.com) to buy myself something totally decadent. Perhaps I would go shopping for something really pretty and cheerful and I would certainly get some take out and a movie I've been hankering to see and enjoy a quiet evening relaxing. 

And even if you are lucky enough to have a sweetheart, someone with whom to spend your holiday, still make it a point to treat yourself too. What is one nice thing you could do for yourself, in honor of you today? Maybe it's buying your favorite coffee drink that costs a few dollars more.   Or going for a walk through the botanical garden at lunchtime. What special message can you give yourself today that will allow you to feel honored, special and loved by YOU?

Let me know what you come up with, I'm all ears. 

P is for Perseverance

Last week I attended a training in San Diego. It was a certification for Neuro Emotional Technique (NET). This is a tool I use in psychotherapy that is a tremendous stress reliever for my clients. I first learned about the technique as an acupuncture patient since my practitioner also does it as part of her healing protocol. In fact, the technique was developed by a chiropractor, Dr. Scott Walker. Consequently, many chiropractors also utilize it.

For 2013 I attended the required courses to be eligible for certification. I also worked with clients and my NET buddy in preparation. I knew I would learn more and be stretched at the 5-day training and I certainly was, even more that I expected. In order to pass, we had to demonstrate our ability to perform the technique on a patient as well as pass a written exam. Our days were comprised of lectures and workshop time designed to allow participants to practice the 15 step technique on each other. 

Of course I was nervous about everything but especially about the practical exam. I'm one of those people who hate being watched. I'm also not a great memorizer of information and given a task, it's unlikely that I will get it 100% right ever. My mind just doesn't work that way. I am more of a conceptual person. I knew I was proficient at the technique but to memorize exact wording was stressing me out.

Nevertheless, I kept practicing. I worked through my anxiety and fear. I also utilized other strategies to help me. One was visualization. I lay down in a comfortable position and saw myself doing the technique, doing every single part. I saw my patient, gave her an "issue," found a corresponding emotion and walked us through the steps. 

As part of my way to manage the fear of memorizing, I even told myself to pretend I was in a play and these were my "lines."

My worst nightmare though was this: getting it wrong AND then crying. Because here is my confession: I am the world's biggest cry baby. The bad part about my crying is that sometimes, when I start it can be really hard to stop. I knew that if I made a mistake and was critiqued, it might just start the water works and then, my face would get puffy, my nose snotty, my eyes blood shot and I was a goner. 

So naturally what happened? Of course, my worst nightmare. Before the practicum, I visualized again, listened to soothing music to relax and went ready to get it done! 

Making a long story short, let's suffice to say that I didn't say the words EXACTLY perfect and then botched one line. In the follow up with the examiner, he started telling me where I had done well and where I had not. Naturally, I started to (you can guess) cry. The examiner groaned (a typical male response to tears). I was crying because I was angry, frustrated, and stressed out. I didn't really care that I had to do it again - well I did but not that much. What really stressed me out was that I was crying, and I had to go out of the room, through all the people milling about. They would see me upset and that was super embarrassing.

Honestly, as I began to walk out of the room, all I wanted to do was flee. I wanted to run out of the room, jump into my car and get the f*** out of there. I even heard this little voice in my head. "Screw this, let's just leave." That voice used to be a lot stronger in my head. Now it's a mere whisper. As that sentence began fading a resounding voice, infused with determination screamed, "absolutely not! You will stay and finish this tonight!" And I could feel the power mounting within me.

So I ran to the bathroom, blew my nose, and splashed water on my face all in an attempt to look like I was fine. Then I re-emerged into the sea of colleagues. I quickly found my friends who were supportive, starting a new eruption of tears. I said to them, "I want to be done tonight." And one of them immediately volunteered to act as my patient.

I knew I couldn't go through another night of waiting. I knew I had the technique down and just needed to demonstrate that. The new voice in my head, the power voice was the voice of perseverance. That's a voice I never really heard until I was in my 30s. Prior to that, I had the bad habit of giving things up, running away or chickening out. Then in my 30s I took up Tae Kwon Do. One of the tenets of this martial art is perseverance. Now obviously, everything taken to its extreme can be dangerous and sometimes people do persevere to the detriment of themselves. We all need to know when to quit. But for me quitting was my go to. I needed to learn about sticking things out even when they got hard. That inner determination was the energy that builds before I would break a board and shout, before I would spar or do a form.

Marital arts taught me how to stand up for myself, how to fight, how to see things through. I had no idea how much of those lessons would translate into my daily life but they have in countless ways. At the certification, it was through the act of not giving up. So despite looking "like a wreck" - which is what my 2nd examiner said to me- I did the NET technique perfectly and passed. And I thank Tae Kwon Do for instilling that discipline in me to not give up, to push through when things get hard and to do it anyway- even if I was teary eyed and red faced. I knew within my being that I was ready and that was all that mattered.

Managing My Anxious Mind

I'm about to go on a trip which involves a training and certification. I decided to do this something like three years ago but really committed to this timeline about 10 months ago. So, I've known I'm going for awhile. But as the days get closer and the actuality of me boarding a plane and attending the seminar get nearer, my anxiety kicks into full gear. 

I watch as I get edgier and more short with my loved ones, less patient than I normally am. I notice how my body becomes restless and I wander around doing errands, distractedly. And I feel it in my chest, like a tightness. 

I have been dealing with my anxious mind all my life. When I was younger, I used drugs but mostly food to make the discomfort go away. I would stuff my face full of candy or baked goods to manage the tension. That stopped over 20 years ago but the anxiety never left. Instead, most days I manage pretty well. I exercise, meditate, use positive affirmations. But sometimes it is just there no matter what. 

I used to think it was just me but then I read that the #1 diagnosis for people seeking psychotherapeutic assistance is anxiety. So perhaps it is our society, we are creating anxious people. Part of it is certainly our 24 hour world. We feel like we are accountable every second of every day. We can also be easily overstimulated by the media and technology, bombarded with information. And the speed of change continues to accelerate. It can feel hard to hold on. 

Recently I have been exploring the Enneagram as a way to learn more about myself and manage my anxiety. The enneagram is a set of nine distinct personality types, with each number signifying one type. Although we often can identify with some aspects of all nine Enneagram types, one typically feels most congruent. This is your basic personality type. It took me awhile to figure out which one I was - a 6 - and I later discovered that this is a common trait of sixes! 

Some interesting facts I learned was that the 6 is one of three (5, 6 & 7) enneagram types that are considered the thinking ones (in the head) as well as the "anxiety" personalities. The way the Enneagram people talk about it, is that sixes (I) respond to the my separation from One-ness by feeling anxious (or dread). My personality is simply wired to feel anxious. Instead of feeling worse when I discovered this, I actually felt better. It wasn't just ME, it was how I was showing up, it was my personality. And there are loads of other sixes out there who feel similar to me. Phew, that was a relief. Ironically, I find solace in that.

About a year ago I started receiving daily enneagram messages from the Enneagram Institute for my number. These messages have helped to remind me that, yes, I do feel anxious and yes, it is part of my programming but they also provide insight and tools to remind me that firstly, I am NOT my personality and secondly, that I can do something about it.

For example, here was mine from yesterday when I was worried about getting all my chores done, packing, etc., etc. "Remember there is nothing unusual about being anxious. Learn to be more present to your anxiety, to explore it, and to come to terms with it. (Understanding the Enneagram, 341)." Instead of it being bad, it is okay, normal.

And then today's was the perfect affirmation to remind me that my anxiety is not real. "Deep down, Sixes remember that the universe is benevolent and supports them completely. (The Wisdom of the Enneagram, 259)."

So as I embark on my trip, I will breathe knowing that anxiety lives in me, in my personality but is NOT who I am. And as I breathe that in, the anxiety really does dissipate. Knowing that my true nature never feels anxious. What a relief! Now I can smile and, hopefully relax.

Allowing People to be Themselves

What happens when someone you love acts in a way that is disappointing, frustrating or (in your opinion) wrong? How to respond... This is something I have been struggling with lately. One way to respond is to judge his or her actions and make them wrong. This goes something like, "I can't believe you did that! How could you have been so (mean, thoughtless, self-centered)? This technique may feel good in the moment, allowing me to feel right or better than or maybe even righteous. Inevitably, though, this way never seems to help and in fact usually makes the problem worse.

Another way is to avoid seeing the person with whom you have a conflict. Stop calling or visiting. It can help diffuse feelings, and gives me some space to process, forgive or whatever it is that needs to unfold for healing to take place. But this isn't a lasting solution. It is a temporary hiatus unless I never want to see that person again. 

So there must be another way. That is the road of acceptance and forgiveness, a road not always easy to travel. If I decide I'm willing to try, then what might it look like? Well, first it involves letting go of my need to feel better than or right. Even when I'm upset, I have to allow for the possibility that greater things are at play than I can see. How do I really know God's plan? How do I really know what anyone needs for their own learning to take place? I can't. And so this step requires my humility and surrender in allowing life to unfold regardless of what I "think" is right or wrong.

Ultimately I have no control over how other people behave and so I have to trust that just as I am, they are exactly where they need to be learning the lessons they need to learn. Then I also have to stop judging others and their process. Instead, I have to open my heart and accept them, accept every part- the ones I love and the ones I don't like so much, recognizing we all are human, flawed and growing. When I can get to this place, that tightness in my chest eases up and I can breathe more easily and feel more relaxed and joyful knowing that all is well and as Bob Marley said, "every little thing is gonna be alright."

Letting Go and Trusting

Even though I created my goals for 2014, last week I decided to take up Robert Holden's suggestion and choose one word for my new year. One word to focus on and intend. One word to be my guide for 2014. The word that came to me was trust. When I think about trust, there are lots of ways to define and interpret it. For a long time, I have thought about relationships as truly being about trust. Because without it, how can you feel safe, allow yourself to be vulnerable or rely on another person? And as I delve into that idea that relationships are 'built on trust' then it is reasonable to extend that to life. If life is about relationships, then it is also about trust. 

Growing up I had little trust. I was a pretty afraid kid. Life was scary, adults were often unpredictable and the world over all seemed like an unsafe place. This made me feel guarded and cautious, reluctant to trust. In the 40+ years I have been walking around in my body, I have shifted a lot of those old beliefs but some are more deeply rooted or perhaps hold on more stubbornly to my psyche. I have learned to reach out and trust loved ones, and allow myself to 'need' other people. I have also, with the help of affirmations, begun to shift my view of the world so that instead of expecting the worst, I say things to myself such as, "only good lies before me. I am safe. The Universe loves and supports me."

But the hardest for me to trust was God. In the late 1990s, I had an astrologer who I called fairly regularly. I was trying to figure out a direction for myself and often relied on his advice and clarity. In one of our sessions, he suddenly began telling me how much I was adored and protected by God. He went on to say, "God loves you so much and you are so divinely supported. It's like an energetic hammock that you could lie back into."

It was a great image and the idea of it thrilled me but at that time, 15 years ago, there was no way I was believing him. I had recently started to meditate and I would sit in front of my altar, hear Dale's words about relaxing into the hammock of support and would sit totally rigidly, not able to lay back at all, too afraid to let go and relax.

Since that time, my life has changed dramatically and I have courageously started many new projects including moving, creating a school, raising children... My life totally fell apart and I have rebuilt it differently. Now I want to relax into that hammock of God, knowing that I am completely loved and supported. And what I have come to see is that trusting God is the same as trusting myself. As I open more to me, I open more to the God within me and allow that inner knowing to guide and advise me. This is what I feel is my work for 2014, to try and get out of my own way, and trust that I am totally taken care of and supported and believe it to be true. Then I can spend every day in the hammock. Sounds pretty good- like life is one big vacation- and I am ready!

The When Problem

It's so easy to get caught in the when dilemma. You know exactly what I mean. The when problem goes like:

"I'll be happy when I have a Mercedes."

"I'll be happy when I have a 4-bedroom house."

"My life will be good when I find the partner of my dreams."

"I'll be fulfilled when I have a better paying job."

"I'll feel content when I find a new teacher - she will give me the answers I seek."

Sound familiar? All of us do it, it's a natural response to our world and the constant media assault and societal pressure that we should be more, do more, have more. That who we are right this moment is not enough. But isn't it?

I spent many years rejecting the acquisition of stuff, choosing to follow a spiritual path thinking that meant one of deprivation. In part I felt the need to do this as a response to the materialism I saw around me and the realization that more stuff did not equal more happy. It actually seemed to equal more stress. So the "I'll be happy with the new car, house..." I got over actually in my twenties while living in Hong Kong, watching people obsess over status, and name brands. 

But the when challenge is insidious and as I got over one hurtle, it simply presented another because there are loads of 'when' paradigms. So I gave up the materialism ones but got hung up on being the seeker or the student. Then my when statements were more like:

"Once I learn from this teacher, then I'll be happy."

"When I take this course I will know the answers."

Then Robert Holden popped those for me in his course (and book) Be Happy. He said, "you're walking down the hall and on one door it says, 'Course on Happiness' and on the other door it says, "Happiness." In that moment I was busted. I realized that, being the dutiful student, I would have chosen the course door forgetting all the while that what I was really seeking was the experience of happiness. He went on to say that as long as you are a seeker, you will never find, ouch, busted again.

And what I was reminded of by him is that happiness and joy are our innate essence. We don't have to do anything, have anything or be anything other than who we are in this moment. We simply have to choose to connect into it. It is available to us all the time. It's a vibration and we carry it with us always. 

Because I like imagery, the best way for me to imagine it is that our happiness is like the shining sun residing right in the center of the chest. But fog and rain, snow and clouds can cover it over seeming to block it out. We easily get distracted by all this gray, blustery weather that are our thoughts and emotions. They take us away from the shining sun underneath. But if we can shift our focus and remember that just like the weather, even when it's pouring outside, the sun is still up there shining, our joy is shining from within us too. And as we choose to focus on that, the gray clouds of mind will dissipate and we can allow ourselves to be illuminated from within by the glory of who we really are - happy and joyful - right now, not when.