The Perfect Trap

When I was a little girl, I was sent to boarding school with my sister for 2 years. One of the reasons was because my parents had split up. We'd been living with my Dad but he travelled constantly for business and was gone most week days. So my sister and I spent a lot of time with our housekeeper, Linda. I guess Dad didn't think watching The Days of Our Lives in the afternoons was going to sufficiently stimulate our brains so he persuaded my mom that we'd be better off in Connecticut at a rigorous school. 

Melissa and I had our birthdays that first fall, she turned 7 and I turned 8. We both hated being there. We had friends and the classwork was just that, school. But what we missed was home. I quickly decided that we'd been exiled because of us, so I made a decision that year.

The way to get back home was to be perfect.

Then I'd be wanted, loved and could live with mom or dad again. I became hyper aware of others' needs, reading situations and people and modifying my behavior accordingly. It worked, and 2 years later we did come home for good. But I had taken on a new role, one I excelled at and continued to embody. 

In fact, I became so good at it, that as a young woman I had no idea what I wanted in my life! I was so overly consumed with pleasing my parents and doing what I was told that living for me was anathema. That's when I began to realize I'd fallen into the perfect trap. For me, it was about identity. Who was I when I wasn't pleasing someone else for love?

Turns out there are signs and indications of being a perfectionist.

Like for me, the desire to please can be a huge motivator. Sometimes perfectionists also demand high standards for themselves and can drive themselves relentlessly. It can get to crazy levels, become stressful and sometimes seem unreasonable (think Black Swan). Underlying this is really a fear of failure or of rejection. Certainly for me that was a big motivator.

I was who you wanted me to be because I didn't want to be rejected.

Another way people experience perfectionism is the inability to try new things. If I know I won't be good at it, I won't even try. I see this a lot with young people. Especially kids who are smart and capable. If it doesn't come quickly and easily, they want to abandon it. This can be a really debilitating trap because it prevents us from stretching ourselves. 

We can also procrastinate and avoid things we know we may fail at and then be afraid to tell anyone how we feel or even ask for help. That would be like admitting failure. And we have to be perfect so we couldn't possibly need help or show weakness let alone vulnerability! This can also result in a defensiveness around criticism. 

As I started to understand my perfectionistic behavior, I was able to slowly unhook myself from it and begin to be more honest with myself and my loved ones. This has enabled me to more easily ask for help and be kinder to myself when I screw up.

Now I see life not as a need to be perfect but as a work in progress.

This redefinition has given me so much freedom to explore and take risks. It has broadened my life experience and brought me more joy and satisfaction. So, what do you say? Ready to step out of the perfect trap?

I'd love to hear what you think. Is this a problem you can relate to? 

Share with us your experience with perfectionism. Leave us a comment!

And if you aren't already signed up, be in the know!

What's Fear Got To Do With It?

About 25 years ago when I was just starting to find my career path, I had an interesting experience with fear.

I was living in Hong Kong working at a knitwear factory. I really hated my job but being 10,000 miles away from my family and friends, making a change felt scary. (This was pre-internet days.) I finally mustered up the courage to quit after 6 or 7 months but then had to figure out what to do.

After spending a LONG time thinking about it, writing a list of what I needed to have in my life and then realizing I didn't speak Cantonese, I ended up applying for teaching jobs.

Somehow I knew I was going to get one and before the summer was over, had an offer from an international high school teaching English and art. It was my first "real" job where I wasn't answering the phone or running errands. I even had my own mailbox in the office. Best yet, I got to read books all day! The two weeks before school started were great, I organized my classroom and outlined the textbooks, deciding what to do and when.

I was excited until the night before the students arrived and classes actually began. That's when it suddenly dawned on me that my new job was public speaking all day every day and I had a panic attack. I quickly left my apartment, took the elevator downstairs and went out for a walk.

Statistics indicate that people are consistently more afraid of public speaking than dying and that night I was one of them.

In high school, I lost my voice and throughout college tended to hide, was quiet and often sat in the back. I was smart and engaged but was always afraid of sharing my thoughts. At the end of my senior year I had to prepare an oral presentation and teach the class about a specific painting. For weeks I dreaded it and despite encouragement from my closest friend, was petrified. This was ALL I could think about as I walked off my panic attack that balmy September evening. Maybe I should quit, find another job, leave Hong Kong...

And then a new thought hit me and here's what it said: "What you are experiencing is just fear. Fear is an emotion, nothing else. So, can you do this anyway even though you're afraid?"

My logical mind started processing that idea. Just an emotion, huh? Well sure, I can do this anyway, can't I? And I did. 

What I didn't realize then was that was my first attempt at managing fear. I think a lot of people including myself think courage is the absence of fear or that courageous people aren't scared. What I've come to understand is that we are all afraid, it's the human experience. The key is in the managing of it. Or put another way, do you manage fear or does fear manage you?

Sometimes we experience fear and it can prevent us from living fully or genuinely engaging in life. Like my story, I was afraid because I was moving into something I'd never done before. Even though this is a natural response, we can allow that fear to hold us hostage, preventing us from moving through it. I could have impulsively quit my job, not shown up and gone running home instead.

But sometimes fear also serves us well. Like the feeling we have about a place or person. We get a "vibe" and that's a good kind of fear, the kind that acts as a warning, to remind us to be aware. 

Our job is to recognize when fear is helping us and when it might be hindering us.

Either way, it's a warning about change - good or bad. We can embrace fear as our friend and take it by the hand, recognizing its job is to keep us safe. We need to evaluate the situation and determine the best course of action. Is fear protecting me or preventing me from growing? Then we can respond appropriately. "Thanks I'll make a different choice" or "Thanks but I'm going to do this anyway." Which is what I did when I walked into the classroom the next day. I took a deep breath and never looked back.

How do you manage fear?

Leave a comment, I'd love to hear from you!

And as always, if you like what you've read, sign up and I'll send you a weekly email!

Or send this to a friend who you think might appreciate it!

Healthy Anti-Anxiety Medication That Works!

Everyone I know is stressed. We all have too much to do. Responsibilities at work pile up- the barrage of emails, phone calls, appointments. Then there's home. Kids need new sneakers, dental appointments, parent/teacher conferences. The list never ends. Home repairs, yoga class, and heaven forbid, an actual date!

If we're not careful life can blur by, our minds a state of chaotic frenzy. The pace of life seems to be increasing too and we move faster and faster. Until what?

No wonder most Americans are stressed. According to the National Institute of Mental Health, the United States is now the most anxious nation in the world.

I used to fall into the crazed trap, running around like a maniac, heart racing, never feeling like I'd ever manage, let alone catch up. Stupidly, I continually added to my To Do List without taking anything off OR asking for help. Then one day I just ran out of steam. It was January, 2011. For seven years I'd been running a school while raising two girls. I went back to school in 2008 which soon involved internships of nearly 20 hours a week. Then I had sick family members to care for and, after I graduated in December, 2010, was simply done.

It wasn't until I finally stopped that I began to see how insane my life had become. Now it was time for me to re-evaluate and redefine how I wanted to show up in the world.

Here's what I decided:

1. Meditation is Key 

I had always been meditating which is probably how I managed to get everything done in the first place but I renewed my commitment to silence and to giving the gift of communing with God to myself. 

2. New Email Attitude

In Authentic Success, Robert Holden says, "you're inbox will be full even when you're dead." When I read that, a light bulb went off. "Wow! Now I won't feel pressured to read and answer everything." I unsubscribed from lists significantly reducing the quantity of emails I received. Then I scheduled times to actually read them rather than constantly being distracted by the inbox throughout the day.

3. Self Love is ALWAYS the Answer

I observed how many of my tasks were oriented towards others and felt obligatory rather than celebratory. Much of what I was doing was about getting attention and love (notice how much I got done today? Aren't you impressed? See how much I love you- I did this and this and this...) I made a list of everything I did and re-prioritized based on ME and what I now wanted in my life.

4. 80/20 Yeah, Baby

There is simply no way to get everything done and it is super easy to fall into overwhelm. In my attempt to avoid that awful place, I now try to choose wisely. I look at everything that purportedly needs to get done and pick the MOST important tasks.

5. Play Time

Schedule time just to have fun, whatever that means to you (because there's always more to do). For me, that's getting into a good novel, being in nature,  doing art work or traveling. Play is re-energizing and allows for creative flow. 

6. Leave Work AT Work

This is my super biggy. It's about reclaiming balance so that work doesn't consume and take over (you know it will). Conscientiously CLOSE your computer. Don't answer the phone. Take the evening to unwind, have a conversation with your daughter or husband. Maybe even enjoy a glass of wine! 

These 6 life style modifications have enabled me to live more joyfully, less stressed and are great healthy alternatives to medication! 

Let me know what YOU think. What's your way of de-stressing? Share in the comments. I SO want to know what works for you.

AND if you liked what you read, sign up for more!

I'd love to keep providing you with great ideas and strategies to have your life work better for you!

Never Do THIS in Your Romantic Relationship

Have you ever gotten into a fight and been so angry with your partner that you wanted to walk out the door? Your whole body is tense, heart is pumping, mind whizzing and you're just plain seething mad?

How then do you lie down in bed together? Do you turn over, back towards your partner and sleep as close to your side of the bed as possible? Do you choose not to sleep in the bedroom but opt instead for the couch? 

What's it like for you in the morning after a night like that? Are you still angry? Angrier? Hurt? Upset?

Then what happens? Is there any resolution or does life move on, the origin of the fight forgotten (or buried) and it's back to the daily routine.

How about trying something different?

How about NOT going to bed angry? 

I know it's hard. Especially if you're a big cry baby like me. Once I start, it can be impossible to hold back the emotional flood. Sometimes it's so bad that the words can't even come out. I hiccup and choke, then there's the constant stream of snot. Not pretty BUT effective. 

Here's why we have to talk - because when we fight with someone we love what we really feel underneath is hurt. Hurt that they can't see our point of view, hurt that they might think badly of us, maybe even mad at ourselves for hurting them and that hurts. It's the sting of disappointment.

Lately when these episodes have come up for me, it's been around my partner's inability to see my side of a story or believe my viewpoint. This can be super frustrating partly because I hate feeling misunderstood. And if I'm not careful, I quickly fall down the rabbit hole of victim - "why can't anyone understand me" or my defenses go up and it's "f*** you then."

But if I can take a step back and instead of feeding my need to be right, I can say. "You know, I'm feeling attacked right now by your response" or "I really feel like you cannot hear me right now."

Then I have to also attempt to recognize my role in it. Am I being genuine or unrealistic? Am I just picking a fight because I'm in a bad mood? Between these two strategies, I can usually de-escalate myself and the situation.

Choosing to talk instead of avoiding (and staying mad) is the brave path. We have to swallow our pride, overcome feeling wounded and speak up. YOUR relationship is worth it. Every time I do this, it strengthens my marriage. Otherwise those unsaid words and hurt feelings build up. And brick by emotional brick, they create a wall between you and the one you love most. So, be brave and open up. Share when you're angry and resolve it. Be willing to talk about the fight, own your part. Help your partner own theirs and go to bed in peace.

Can you relate to any of this? Share with me!

Tell me what you found successful. How do you overcome anger and conflict? Leave a comment!

And if you want to receive more of my free content, sign up, it's FREE!

It's All About Trust

A few months ago, right around the New Year, I wrote about Robert Holden's idea of choosing one word to be your guide for the year. A word that you could contemplate, evaluate and ideally embrace this year, 2014.

My word is trust.

Four months into my exploration with this word, I have come to see its many manifestations in my life.

For one, I will confess to not being terribly trusting - of myself, of others, of the future. All of this lack of trust is from my past, from not feeling supported or nurtured, and from thinking the world is an unsafe place. I have worked on this for a decade but am determined to shed my lack of trust this year. And this resolution has gotten me thinking about all the ways it manifests in my life.

Whether we want to believe it or not, trust defines our lives. It is how we view everything and our place in it.

Do I trust myself and my inner knowing? 

What about the future?

Is the Universe benevolent and supportive?

Can I open up and trust my partner?

As I do this exploration, I am reminded of how trust transformed my love life.

When I was in my mid 30s, my marriage fell apart. I was as much to blame as my husband. I was naive and hadn't spent enough time nurturing our connection together. Instead, I allowed life to constantly get in the way and focused too much of my attention on my career and my children. 

After that, I decided I was done with relationships and would devote my life to God (and my kids). I wasn't going to pursue another love partner. But, as the Universe typically works, we find love when we least expect it. This time, though, he and I were determined to do things differently, and as part of that made a commitment of total honesty and truth to one another. It was the first time in my life that I allowed myself to open up to someone and show them ALL of me - the parts I liked and was proud of, and the parts I disliked and was ashamed of. And here's what happened, I didn't get rejected. In fact one night he told me, "when you share like that with me, it makes me love you even more."

What!?!?!?

Yup. 

As he and I walked through this new love I started to see that as I opened up and trusted him, I trusted myself more, I trusted God more. It was like this relationship was the gateway to trust and all the lines ran parallel. I opened to him, and everything else expanded.

In sharing this story, I am describing what Brene Brown writes in Daring Greatly about our willingness to be vulnerable. That's why we're afraid of trust - because it means we have to be vulnerable and we might get hurt. We are exposing ourselves. But, as she writes, "we need to feel trust to be vulnerable and we need to be vulnerable in order to trust."

Relationships are a great place to start. So try it. Choose one thing to share with your partner. One fear or desire. Maybe it's something you never told anyone before. How will you say it? Is there a good time? You'll know.

And then, tell us what happened! Leave a comment about your story or let me know what you thought of mine!

And if you liked what you read, sign up to receive more! I'd love to add you to our community.

The Best Lesson I Ever Learned About Relationships

I've always been a romantic from the time I was a little girl. I bought it all, thinking that I'd be rescued from my unhappy situation, that somehow I'd meet the love of my dreams, and live happily ever after. As part of my fantasy, I was hooked on the idea of falling in love even though I don't know that I had any idea of what love actually was.

For years I harbored my romantic dream. My life's journey took me through many cities and some wonderful relationships. I have to admit, I have been pretty darn lucky!  But it wasn't until I was ready to give up entirely that I finally got it. My fantasy had finally popped and I was face to face with my own unhappiness and was now a single mother. I decided I was officially done with romance, done with relationships, done with love.

It seems that I have an ironic agreement with God. I always think I know what's best. I try and try and try then invariably fail. After that I give up totally, put my life in God's hands and (ironically) God then provides it.

And here is the secret I wish I'd learned when I was 13: be friends first. 

I know it sounds super simple and I suppose it is but simple can be true and simple can be real and simple can lead you everywhere you want to go.

So, what do I mean when I say be friends first? Here is what I mean - 

Hot and heavy is short lived. 

When we get real with ourselves we know it's true. Sex is great but that intense physical attraction isn't sustainable in the long run. 

Sharing interests is. Having fun together is. Enjoying one another's company is. 

Not long ago I was talking to a friend of mine who is always looking for love and is chronically disappointed. This was my advice to him. Be friends first. Because even if your sex life is INCREDIBLE, it isn't happening 24 hours a day (be honest) BUT you are in an emotional relationship with someone 24 hours a day. And it makes a HUGE difference when that person is your confidante, best friend, most fun playmate AND lover.

Don't believe me? Look around. Who do you know that's in a romantic relationship and is happy, fulfilled, growing? My guess is it's couples who really value one another, genuinely care about each other and relish spending time together.

So, the next time you find yourself looking for Mr. (or Mrs. Right), think about being his or her friend first. Take it slowly. Get to know one another and allow that love to grow naturally. You might just be amazed.

What have you found successful in your relationships? Leave a comment, let's start a dialog!

If you liked what you read, sign up for more and join our community! Stay in the know.

4 Secrets to Being More Self Motivated

Last week I was talking to my 19 year-old about motivation. Why is it that certain people are motivated and others aren't? That some folks seem to walk through life stress-free while others wear it all over them? And that got me thinking.

When I was in my 20s, I needed extrinsic (outside of myself) means to keep me motivated. Partly because I was struggling with addiction issues and avoidance issues. I was easily stressed and lacked the confidence to get things done on my own. Work and school did that well, although not without stress and weight gain. I had to turn in my paper by Friday or be prepared for a dozen phone calls on September 12th. Deadlines helped keep me on track but I wasn't sure what to do with my stress and wasn't great at time management, often waiting until the last minute to get stuff done. But working a regular job helped ground me. That and dealing with my eating disorder and anxiety. A job required me to show up. I knew where I had to be and when. These kinds of responsibilities helped instill discipline and over time I became skilled at getting things done well and on time.

As I continued to work and mature, this motivation started becoming intrinsic (from inside of me) and I began to develop the habit of learning for myself how to structure my time, create my own deadlines and work towards goals. This has given me the freedom to have more flexibility in my life and feel happy that I can accomplish tasks when I put my mind to them!

So what helped me with that transition? The most important component is to recognize that our behaviors are habits. We talk all the time in our society about bad habits (smoking, fingernail biting, technology addiction) but we don't talk much about creating healthy habits. Things that we want in life such as working out regularly, eating well, and time management. Mastering motivation is another of these habits and is totally learnable!

If you feel like you could be more self motivated, perhaps these tips will help you!

1. The first step is dealing with your mind - A positive, can do attitude makes all the difference.

• Speak to yourself in kind and loving ways.
• Give yourself a pep talk, you can totally do it.
• If confidence falters, again support yourself with gentleness. Remind yourself of how much progress you have already made. It's so easy to always be looking ahead to where we want to go and forget to look behind at what we've already accomplished.

2. Focus on what needs to get done - Let's say that you have a huge project on rainfall to put together. 

• Break it down into parts - when we focus on smaller bits, everything feels more do-able.
• Make a list of everything you have to do
• Schedule it!
  • I really like to start with my deadline as a date, (usually I move that 2-3 days before the actual date).
  • Then I work backward filling in what has to happen in order for me to get there - this might be (next to each of these is a date):
    • outline of project
    • research
    • write first draft
    • add slides/images
    • edit and re-write
    • assemble, practice
• Falling behind? Get help! Ask a colleague for help or see if you can find a buddy or coach to help you stay on track and accountable.

3. Reward yourself!

What do you get for a job well done? A pedicure? A nice dinner at your favorite restaurant? It's critical to congratulate ourselves when we accomplish our goals. Choose something that feels special to you.

4. Surround yourself with support.

Your friends need to be positive and motivating. They  can help you if you have a crisis in confidence or can't seem to get passed completing the bibliography. Find ways to keep learning and growing yourself too! There are tons of resources available. Research it and get new insights and answers. Then you can help others accomplish their goals and that feels awesome!

Let me know how this works for you!

Leave a comment below about any of these "secrets" that you tried. Share your thoughts about other ideas. I would LOVE to hear from you!

Liked what you read? Sign up for more... it's FREE!

Lost and Found

A few months ago one of my former high school students found me on Facebook. She still lives in Hong Kong these 20+ years later and last Friday night we finally caught up. It was like time collapsed and we spoke as if resuming a conversation we'd been having the previous day.

I looked at her face over Skype, and she at me, she was exactly the same! She still had her innocence, sense of wonder and curiosity about the world. She went on to share what she'd been doing these past two decades and her words were balm to my soul.

She told me that she had been searching for meaning in her life, to assert her own independence and find her way in the world. Having grown up in an Indian family, it was assumed that she'd never attend college but marry after finishing high school. She had decided not to pursue that path, putting herself through university instead and is now an English teacher herself. 

But she didn't stop there, she went on elaborating about her own personal journey of healing and of trying to understand what she (and all of us) are doing here. I heard her fearlessness and desire to know speak to me through her words. I was simply silenced by her willingness to break free from what anyone was "telling" her to do and live for herself. It is never an easy path but it certainly is the most fulfilling. 

Toward the end of our conversation, she thanked me for caring about her. When she'd been 17, she'd told me a secret which last night confirmed she had never told anyone else. All of these years I had wondered what had happened with her. If she had indeed done what her family wanted and married an Indian man and possibly moved to the subcontinent. I'd always kept her in my heart, she was such a precious, beautiful child and I'd cherished knowing her. 

Maybe her family is unhappy with her as she didn't follow their expectations. Maybe they created this outcome through their own actions. But this young woman decided to wake up and live her life for her. Looking at her across the computer screen and 10,000 miles all I could feel was awe for her willingness to be vulnerable, her desire to heal herself and walk through her painful past, and her intention to then help others along the way. I could not have felt more proud if she were my own child. I was humbled by her passion, commitment to living truthfully and her compassion not only for herself but for others. I know that she will shine her light in our world and be a guide post for many and I am filled with gratitude to have had the opportunity to play a small role in helping her along the way.

Wait, What? No Skiing?

The view from my condo window,

I have been so lucky this past week. I've been on vacation with my family in Colorado, skiing. We love to come out in March because, typically, it's sunny and warm but there's still a solid base of snow. Normally, I'm up and out every day, maximizing my time and skiing until my legs hurt and I'm basically wasted for the rest of the night (and pass out around 9). But this trip has been different and today while the flurries fall from the sky, I am stuck inside with an awful head cold watching colorful skiers and snowboarders glide past my window.

Part of me wanted to push myself. After all, it's my last day, my final chance to ski in 2014- for an entire year. I only get one week a year to ski which is why I typically give it my all. I did that yesterday, dragged myself out. It was sunny and warm and I simply could not resist but EVERY chairlift ride up, I was blowing and blowing- a real snot queen. Of course, I probably overdid it which is why I feel even worse today. So it was no surprise when I got an enneagram email today reminding me that:

"True love of self entails a profound acceptance of ourselves—returning to Presence and settling into ourselves as we actually are without attempting to change ourselves or our experience." (The Wisdom of the Enneagram, 345)

Okay, I reasoned, I just have to accept that I feel like crap right now and appreciate that instead of wanting it to be different. But, I have to say, it's kind of hard! I mean really, everyone hates being sick but this is like a double whammy. No skiing and sick! Boo!

Sometimes acceptance comes to us in strange moments and I feel like I'm in one now. Life is what is in this moment and I am often reminded that if I can embrace and love what is happening right now, it will set me free. Instead, I fight and resist and want to change it. But maybe for today I won't. Maybe I will just vicariously enjoy the winter wonderland outside my door. And take a nap instead.

No I did NOT just eat that entire box of cookies

Growing up I struggled constantly with my weight. I was the little fat girl, cute but chubby. In fact my father once told me, “you were fat from the time you were born.”

I ate because it was my way of nurturing and loving myself. But it was also how I handled stress in my life and when stress got amped up, I blew up.

The first time I ever really experienced this was in high school. I’d decided to go to a prestigious boarding school thinking that it would be ‘intellectually stimulating.” Well, I quickly felt totally out of my league and terrified. So what did I do? I ate. I gained like 20 pounds in a month. And that started my pattern. I’d experience stress, and eat it away. This continued through college until one day when I was about 22, I wandered into a feminine bookstore in Cambridge Mass and in the diet/food section found a book called When Food is Love by Geneen Roth. Let’s just say I devoured the book. She spoke to me- to who I was, what I was feeling, like she knew me.

She wrote about how as children we use food as love because we don’t experience love- our houses are violent, scary, unpredictable. She goes on to say that food is there when we’re kids but ultimately prevents us from having intimate relationships as adults (with ourselves AND others) and the light bulb went on.

The book laid out her plan which is a pretty simple one. Listen to your body. Wow, that was novel! I never even wanted to BE in my body! I hated it, it was ugly and fat… but I did. I started listening for the cues of when I actually felt hungry and full. Then she suggests you eat whatever you want – no way! She recommends this because the power of denial is so great. Think about it like a rubber band. The tighter you stretch it the farther it flies.

I knew it was the same for me with sweets, I’d seen it over and over again in my life. The more I denied myself eating what I craved, the more I binged when I caved. So naturally when I started it was, “Oh, wow, I actually feel hungry, let’s eat a chocolate cake!” which I would, until I was full.

That’s the first step, releasing ourselves from allowing food to have power or control over us. And I’m not gonna lie- mastering this took me 3 years but eventually I was able to be at peace with food.

The next step was to go under the surface. My food addiction was simply covering over all the emotions I didn’t want to feel. It’s identifying the triggers, the whys behind the actions. And truthfully, this is my life’s journey. We all have to learn how to live with discomfort without numbing it. And that is a lifetime of work.

Now when I share that I had an eating disorder, folks ALWAYS think I was anorexic. I have gone from being a fat person to a thin person- well to a satisfied person. And many people have told me I am the only person they know who has done this successfully, completely changed their relationship with food. I know it isn’t true. We all have the ability to transform our lives if we’re willing to do the work. That’s what this adventure called life is all about, right!?

Is the Answer Yes or No?

Is your answer YES to life or NO?

How many times in your day do you find that you say yes to life? Maybe you get invited to lunch with a friend or it's a beautiful day out, perfect for a walk on the beach. Is your response a resounding yes? I hope so. I know for me sometimes I say yes and sometimes I don't. And there may be a reason why I'm not saying yes. These are some of my personal selections. Do any of these sound familiar? "I don't have time. Today's my chore day. I have to work. Maybe another time." Or my absolute favorite, "I don't feel like it." (Usually this one is reserved for me and I come up with a more lofty excuse to say out loud.)

 Life is always offering us opportunities to expand and to grow. To reach out of our comfort zone or complacency and connect more deeply be it with one another, with nature and even with ourselves. Invariably when we do this, what happens? We feel more fulfilled and engaged. So why is it that we don't always do it?

Sometimes we simply can't because we do legitimately have prior commitments. I have appointments to keep, deadlines to meet, tasks to complete. We all do. And yet it's important to remain vigilant to our own choices - how we may or may not be limiting ourselves. It can be insidious. Work and "busy" can take over pretty fast. 

Lately I've been watching my pattern of saying yes to life or saying no. And here is what I am observing. In general, when I say yes and then do it (have a meeting, teach a class, complete my to do list, go birdwatching, work out, play...) I feel great! I truly do feel more engaged and present in my life. I feel alive and happy. When I say no because I don't think I have time or maybe feel too stressed or simply don't want to, here's how I usually feel - worse.

This got me thinking about my life in general and it seems to me that essentially, in each moment, we are being asked to open, open to life, open to love, open to the moment. Feel the sun on my face, hear the sounds of the lawnmowers in the distance, smile at the cashier at the bank. Or not. It is always my choice, to open to what is happening right now or to close off, hunker down, disconnect.

That is my practice for right now, to recognize that in EACH moment, I am being asked to open. And then to become the witness as much as the actor and simultaneously open to possibility as well as observe my choice.

Ultimately our lives are filled with the choices we make in each moment - to open or close. All of us know people on both sides of that spectrum. People who say yes and lots of people who say no. Most of us are somewhere in the middle. Yet we all know that when we do open, it feels natural. We are connecting to who we truly are. We just seem to need a moment to moment reminder.

Getting Beyond BUT

I don't know about you but there are some days when I don't feel like doing anything. I want to roll over and turn off my alarm clock, put the pillow back over my head and sleep. Then there are days when I actually do get up because I have to take my daughter to school and I have all the best intentions. I actually dress in my workout gear drive her to school only to come back home and, you can guess, climb back into bed. Don't get me wrong, I think it's great to have a day off, or even a mental health day, a day to do nothing or even a day to simply be unstructured. In this work obsessed culture, it's totally healthy and necessary. 

But how do we know when we should honor that voice telling us we need more rest, time off, etc and when we need to move past it and get on with our day, our year, our life? For most of us, it's by having eternal accountability which typically takes the form of boss. We know that if we're late to work again or absent another day, we'll get fired. If we miss too much school we could fail or get expelled. So these external factors motivate us to get up and go. And they work great at that, right? Most people roll out of bed, into the shower and are dressed and off to work even on the days they might not want to be going. Typically we are happy we have shown up in our lives too.

We can use this same concept of external accountability to help us with other things we want to accomplish but face similar resistance about. Things ranging from weight loss to running a marathon to completing any task or chore. Often we neglect to give ourselves the time to do the things we most want in our lives and find loads of reasons why we simply don't have time or have to clean all the windows in the house instead.

Is there something in your life that you've been hankering to do but haven't gotten around to yet? Maybe it's planting a vegetable garden, learning how to surf or making a photo album of your last trip. If we can create a way to include some kind of accountability, it will help us achieve that goal. Maybe a friend can help or we sign up for lessons or simply give ourselves a completion date. All of these can help to create motivation so we can get beyond BUT.

What, You Don't Want My Help?

Image courtesy of idea go / freedigitalphotos.net

Growing up I definitely took on the role of peacemaker in my family, taking care of everyone's needs and reducing conflict. As I approached my early twenties, this morphed into wanting to save people (and the world). Somehow I was convinced that was my job. I could see other people's suffering so wasn't it my responsibility to rescue them - even if they didn't want to be rescued?

This belief persisted even into my early thirties as I began to deepen my spiritual practice. I remember having a conversation with my friend Lily around this time. I wanted to help my parents- each in a slightly different way- but primarily for both of them to live with more joy and less anxiety around security and safety. I said something to Lily like, "but I have to. It's my job to help my mother understand. I mean if I don't, who will?"

She just looked at me and replied, "It's not your job."

Huh. That was like a mini revelation. Really? I don't have to help them? I soon discovered that she was right. The only job I did actually have was to help myself and maybe, I reasoned, if I did that, showed my loved ones my own transformation, I could set an example and then they might be inspired to change too.

After that conversation, I pretty much got off of the savior wagon but as with all things, old habits die hard and my need to help people continued only in different ways. I created healthy avenues for it by doing service work and being a teacher, therapist and life coach. But I have definitely come face to face with situations where I have tried to push my agenda onto others and have had the door shut in my face.

Most of the time that's when my help seems to be unwanted. The number one most challenging person this happened with over and over again was my sister, Melissa. Because even though Lily reminded me saving my family wasn't my job, it was really hard for me to give up on Melissa. She was my baby sister and for most of her life suffered greatly with depression. I made countless suggestions over the years from joining clubs to moving but it all fell on deaf ears. Even my mom and many of her friends and acquaintances tried too - with professional coaching, resume writing, dating, social skills training... Mel wouldn't hear any of it.

But in the end, here's what I learned. We can truly only help ourselves. We all have to do the work. If someone I love suffers but refuses to change or even see there is another way, nothing I say or do will make a difference. And let me tell you, I HATE this. It makes me feel helpless, inadequate and frustrated.

So then is it really about me, that I want to feel special and important, valued or vital? That is certainly an important question I have to ask myself when I come face to face with the "I don't want your help" situation. When I do take that step back, it gives me time to question and understand more deeply. In that process, I have come to see that I can't help someone when she is not willing to be helped. Being a do-er this can be hard. Instead sometimes those situations call for other responses - things like listening, being present and loving someone just as they are, in their place of pain or suffering. I have also learned not to judge my loved one for refusing to change. Sometimes we simply aren't ready or the pain is familiar, comfortable and gives life purpose. Again, instead of labeling it, I can simply accept it. 

Like with everything, the only way I seem to get clarity is by asking for guidance and praying for the words, actions or non-actions. Then I can trust that God will work through me and resolve this situation in everyone's highest and best good. I'm not actually the do-er, God is. I am merely the vessel for divine grace to flow through me. That clarity allows me to see she will sort it out in her own time and in her own way. After all, she's the one in charge of her own life.

Be Mine Valentine?

Happy Valentine's Day everyone! Today is the day we are supposed to express love and, ideally, receive love. So how's that going for you? 

Being a romantic, I have always loved Valentine's Day, or at least the idea of it. I have had my fair share of disappointing holidays and I am sure I am not alone. I remember in high school sending many roses and cards to boys I had crushes on without even getting a nod.

So instead of looking without for someone to love or to love me, the thought I had today was to be my own Valentine. And if you were to be your own Valentine, what would that mean to you?

For me, it would mean pampering myself. Maybe taking the time to have a candle lit bath or getting a facial. I would definitely visit my friend Gina's chocolate shop (faithhopeandchocolate.com) to buy myself something totally decadent. Perhaps I would go shopping for something really pretty and cheerful and I would certainly get some take out and a movie I've been hankering to see and enjoy a quiet evening relaxing. 

And even if you are lucky enough to have a sweetheart, someone with whom to spend your holiday, still make it a point to treat yourself too. What is one nice thing you could do for yourself, in honor of you today? Maybe it's buying your favorite coffee drink that costs a few dollars more.   Or going for a walk through the botanical garden at lunchtime. What special message can you give yourself today that will allow you to feel honored, special and loved by YOU?

Let me know what you come up with, I'm all ears. 

P is for Perseverance

Last week I attended a training in San Diego. It was a certification for Neuro Emotional Technique (NET). This is a tool I use in psychotherapy that is a tremendous stress reliever for my clients. I first learned about the technique as an acupuncture patient since my practitioner also does it as part of her healing protocol. In fact, the technique was developed by a chiropractor, Dr. Scott Walker. Consequently, many chiropractors also utilize it.

For 2013 I attended the required courses to be eligible for certification. I also worked with clients and my NET buddy in preparation. I knew I would learn more and be stretched at the 5-day training and I certainly was, even more that I expected. In order to pass, we had to demonstrate our ability to perform the technique on a patient as well as pass a written exam. Our days were comprised of lectures and workshop time designed to allow participants to practice the 15 step technique on each other. 

Of course I was nervous about everything but especially about the practical exam. I'm one of those people who hate being watched. I'm also not a great memorizer of information and given a task, it's unlikely that I will get it 100% right ever. My mind just doesn't work that way. I am more of a conceptual person. I knew I was proficient at the technique but to memorize exact wording was stressing me out.

Nevertheless, I kept practicing. I worked through my anxiety and fear. I also utilized other strategies to help me. One was visualization. I lay down in a comfortable position and saw myself doing the technique, doing every single part. I saw my patient, gave her an "issue," found a corresponding emotion and walked us through the steps. 

As part of my way to manage the fear of memorizing, I even told myself to pretend I was in a play and these were my "lines."

My worst nightmare though was this: getting it wrong AND then crying. Because here is my confession: I am the world's biggest cry baby. The bad part about my crying is that sometimes, when I start it can be really hard to stop. I knew that if I made a mistake and was critiqued, it might just start the water works and then, my face would get puffy, my nose snotty, my eyes blood shot and I was a goner. 

So naturally what happened? Of course, my worst nightmare. Before the practicum, I visualized again, listened to soothing music to relax and went ready to get it done! 

Making a long story short, let's suffice to say that I didn't say the words EXACTLY perfect and then botched one line. In the follow up with the examiner, he started telling me where I had done well and where I had not. Naturally, I started to (you can guess) cry. The examiner groaned (a typical male response to tears). I was crying because I was angry, frustrated, and stressed out. I didn't really care that I had to do it again - well I did but not that much. What really stressed me out was that I was crying, and I had to go out of the room, through all the people milling about. They would see me upset and that was super embarrassing.

Honestly, as I began to walk out of the room, all I wanted to do was flee. I wanted to run out of the room, jump into my car and get the f*** out of there. I even heard this little voice in my head. "Screw this, let's just leave." That voice used to be a lot stronger in my head. Now it's a mere whisper. As that sentence began fading a resounding voice, infused with determination screamed, "absolutely not! You will stay and finish this tonight!" And I could feel the power mounting within me.

So I ran to the bathroom, blew my nose, and splashed water on my face all in an attempt to look like I was fine. Then I re-emerged into the sea of colleagues. I quickly found my friends who were supportive, starting a new eruption of tears. I said to them, "I want to be done tonight." And one of them immediately volunteered to act as my patient.

I knew I couldn't go through another night of waiting. I knew I had the technique down and just needed to demonstrate that. The new voice in my head, the power voice was the voice of perseverance. That's a voice I never really heard until I was in my 30s. Prior to that, I had the bad habit of giving things up, running away or chickening out. Then in my 30s I took up Tae Kwon Do. One of the tenets of this martial art is perseverance. Now obviously, everything taken to its extreme can be dangerous and sometimes people do persevere to the detriment of themselves. We all need to know when to quit. But for me quitting was my go to. I needed to learn about sticking things out even when they got hard. That inner determination was the energy that builds before I would break a board and shout, before I would spar or do a form.

Marital arts taught me how to stand up for myself, how to fight, how to see things through. I had no idea how much of those lessons would translate into my daily life but they have in countless ways. At the certification, it was through the act of not giving up. So despite looking "like a wreck" - which is what my 2nd examiner said to me- I did the NET technique perfectly and passed. And I thank Tae Kwon Do for instilling that discipline in me to not give up, to push through when things get hard and to do it anyway- even if I was teary eyed and red faced. I knew within my being that I was ready and that was all that mattered.