What’s Your One Word for 2015?

Last year, right after 2014 had just begun, I was listening to Dr. Robert Holden on Hay House radio. He shared an idea he’d been doing for awhile of choosing one word for his new year. Then he would meditate on it, delve into it, and explore it for the next 365 days.

Inspired, I decided to do the same, choose one word for the year.

My word for 2014 has been trust.

Over the past twelve months, I’ve allowed myself to simply be with this word and see what happens. At one point, around March, I had a serious crisis with trust. I became super afraid of the future, and about what might happen. That experience invited me to go deeper with trust and prompted me to create a visual representation to both remind and inspire me to open up more to trust.

As part of my pictorial representation, I have a few quotes from Rumi. Here’s one of them:                                  Knock, and He’ll open the door.
Vanish, and He’ll make you shine like the sun.
Fall, and He’ll raise you to the heavens.
Become nothing and He’ll turn you into everything.

When I see this, it helps remind me to let go and… trust.

2014 is coming to a close and as I reflect on my relationship with trust, I am pleasantly surprised to realize that I’ve embraced trust at a deeper level than ever AND am experiencing it in a new way.

In fact, I don’t even think about trust (or lack of it) in the same way. The constant uncertainty or questioning I always had before has slowly fallen away. Now trust is a given, it just exists. It’s my divine right. I know the outcome is assured and I trust that my life will unfold in the right and perfect way.

But over the past 12 months that wasn’t always the case. I’ve felt insecure and scared, uncertain and fearful.

To me, trusting in life is trusting in the unknown. Often when I have those hiccups of faith, those moments of anxiety or lack in trust, they occur right before some kind of transition or change. Maybe it’s me moving into doing something new, taking a risk or challenging myself. Each time, it’s like I have to jump into the void. I see myself standing on a cliff having to leap off into the unknown. So of course my visual representation depicts a cliff with the word trust spanning it.

Over a decade ago, I had an astrologer tell me that I was so taken care of, I could relax back into the hammock of God’s love, that this energetic web would completely support me no matter what. Of course at the time, there was NO WAY I was doing that-- relaxing, trusting. The world was too unsafe and uncertain.

I couldn’t trust any living person, how could I trust something I couldn’t even see?

Yet it was almost like my astrologer planted a seed, a reminder of what was there for me. Over the years, I’ve allowed myself to try it out, to lie back into that energetic hammock and feel supported.

Fifteen or so years later, I’m capable of doing this more and more, especially after this year, my year of exploring trust. And you guessed it. I can look at my picture of trust, hanging over my desk, and see the golden hammock.

Today I do feel that trust. I know that I am being held and supported, that only good lies before me, that I am loved and guided. My only job is to show up, be present and loving.

Now I have to choose a word for 2015.

I have so enjoyed my exploration into trust. It has opened up a new way of being for me and I can honestly say that trust is a permanent part of me. I carry it with me always, like I own it.

Since I more fully understand the power of choosing a word and its significance in my life, I have to find THE word for 2015. Simultaneously, I know I don’t really have to go in search of it, because just as trust showed up loud and clear as my word for 2014, I know the right and perfect word will appear any day now.

This new word will invite me to contemplate it for the upcoming year with thoughtfulness, intention and insight. And I’m looking forward to it!

Do you know what your word for 2015 is?

If so, share it with me! If not, sit with this idea and ask, “What’s my word for 2015?” Invite your word to come to you. How will you then spend your year exploring and delving into it?  

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What the Homeless Taught Me About Caring 10 Ways to Pay It Forward

When I was a little girl growing up in New York City, it was pretty common to see people living on the streets. In the 1970s, many were heroin addicts, or at least that’s what my mom told me. But in the 1980s, the number skyrocketed, due in large part to the closing of mental hospitals, lack of affordable housing and the recession. We walked over people everywhere, many of whom were permanently camped out in the Port Authority and Grand Central Station.

Noticing people lying on the street stressed me out because I didn’t know what to do.

I watched as my mom, dressed in her suit, trench coat and heels systematically ignored everyone from panhandlers to women hallucinating in the public bathrooms. My father acted the same. So, thinking that’s what I was supposed to do, I followed their lead and pretended that I didn’t see people suffering everywhere. The only problem was, I did.

A few years later, I was walking down the street with my stepbrother, who at the time, was in his early 20s. We were on 9th Avenue near Midtown when a man who appeared to be homeless approached us. His clothing was disheveled and his beard scraggly. My stepbrother, instead of ignoring him, struck up a conversation and ended up giving the guy a couple cigarettes. I stood there stunned. Here was a different way to act. I wasn’t sure I could be as nonchalant and chill as my stepbrother, but I was determined to do something even though I felt shy and awkward.

It took me awhile to find my way.

Life sent me across the world and back where I saw a new kind of poverty in developing countries. But it wasn’t until the late 1990s, living in Los Angeles, when I finally got clarity. I went to hear a woman, I’ll call her Ma, speak one night and she said, “There are no throw away people.” Those words suddenly helped me understand what I’d felt all those years ago.

How can we ignore suffering?

How can we turn a blind eye and pretend we don’t see it? Maybe some people can, but I couldn’t. I was so relieved to hear her emphatically state that there were no disposable people; that every life mattered.

I’m not advocating we all become social workers or rush out and get jobs at not-for-profit organizations. But I will suggest, especially during this time of giving, that we be mindful of those who are less fortunate. How can we help another person in need?

Here are a Few Quick and Easy Ideas:

1.     Give the person cleaning the street or mall some cash - $5, $20- whatever works for your budget

2.     Smile at a stranger

3.     Hand a homeless person a sandwich

4.     Call your friend – you know she’s having a hard time – and be there for her

5.     Donate a toy

6.     Leave your waiter an extra large tip

7.     Clean out your closet and give the clothing to a local shelter or Goodwill

8.     Pay for the person behind you- at the tollbooth, subway, Starbucks or local veggie stand

9.     Volunteer – at a local food pantry, shelter or park

10. Send a prayer

Try one or ten from the above list and see how it feels. Once I realized that we are all the same, part of one human family, it changed both how I see people and how I interact with them. And instead of feeling scared and awkward, I feel loving and happy. Let me know how it goes!

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3 Strategies for Negotiating Divorce, Children & the Holidays with Compassion

The holidays, for all that we look forward to them, can also bring out stress, tension and emotional tests. And when we add divorce into the mix, things can get even more challenging.

My parents split up when I was a young girl and although I looked forward to presents and special holiday treats, underneath that excitement was always a layer of sadness. Because I knew that one of my parents would be spending the holidays alone.

That knowledge made my heart hurt.

These days I observe my own children navigating a similar landscape. I watch as they jockey between houses and allegiances. It seems even more complicated than when I was little. Do my girls spend time with my created family, their stepsister and our extended relatives or go to their Dad’s and be with their half brothers and stepmom?

My solution has always been to attempt to bring everyone together.

It worked for me growing up. My father started coming to my mother’s house, bringing my nana and aunt, around the time I entered high school. I was secretly relieved because it meant that no one was alone.

Now that I’m the parent, I’ve tried to remedy our holiday situation by offering to do the same thing, have everyone come to my house. But maybe that isn’t the right solution because something different may stress my kids out. Perhaps they feel pulled by other dilemmas such as wanting to be in two places simultaneously?

So here’s what I’ve come up with:

1.     Listen to the Kids

Growing up, I never had any say in where I spent my holidays. My parents made all the decisions and I went along. Truthfully, I never questioned it. That’s just how it was.

But what if I’d been asked? Would that have helped? This idea hit me over the head like a ton of bricks the other day, a big a-ha. What do my kids want? Why don’t I ask them? Giving children say helps them feel less like victims and invites them into the discussion. Of course it also depends on how old they are but even elementary school aged children can be surprisingly astute.

Divorce is hard to navigate for everyone, not just the parents but the kids too. After all, they’re the ones that get shuttled back and forth. So ask them how they want to spend the holidays. They might have the perfect answer!

2.     Lay It Down

Obviously we all got divorced for reasons. During holiday times, it’s easy for some ill will to flair up. Decide, for the sake of the season and the kids, if it’s possible to lay those feelings aside. Just for now, to make things work harmoniously for the children. Think about it, not as giving those feelings up, but as putting them aside for the moment.

3.     Remember the Goal

Holidays are supposed to be a time of gratitude and love, about giving and receiving. If we can orient ourselves back to this place, it can help us better see how to navigate the situation.

The goal is to recognize and honor each person involved and create plans that are in everyone’s highest and best good. Maybe that sounds lofty but it’s also do-able when we can do two things: Be willing to talk about a workable schedule and possibly compromise. That’s when we have to remember the goal. It may mean releasing some control and finding common ground. But in the end, it will be worth it when the holiday is peaceful, enjoyable and stress-free.

We all want the holidays to be special. We strive to create quality time together that’s fun and joyful. By inviting participation in establishing a schedule that best honors each person’s needs and wishes, gives everyone the opportunity to work together. And that feels so much better than having no say. 

How do holidays work in your family? Leave a comment below!

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The ONE Question to Ask when Starting or Changing Careers

I studied Art History in college. It was January of my sophomore year and I had to choose a major. Up to that point, I hadn’t really liked or more accurately, felt genuinely interested in anything. There’d been the sociology and psychology lectures, the African history symposium, French, Classic literature and a number of political science classes.

Nothing had really sparked my curiosity until I’d signed up for a class on Cubism the previous semester.

It was a small group, maybe ten or twelve students sitting around a large table. We delved into the roots of Cubism, the birth of modern art, looking through a historical lens, a painting lens and discovering how the writers, thinkers and visual artists all influenced one another. I was rapt. I felt alive. This was fascinating.

But soon a new anxiety arose. What was I going to do with an Art History major?

Over the next two years, I threw myself into art and even lived in Florence, Italy for six months, visiting many of the buildings, paintings and sculptures I’d only viewed as slides. But in the back of my head was this nagging feeling.

Something was amiss.

As I paid more attention to that voice, I realized that I felt distinctly torn. On the one hand, I loved art. I loved how it represented humanity, our struggles and our history. I loved how it reflected society or asked us to think more deeply about our beliefs and assumptions.

On the other hand, I felt compelled to be useful, to do something “needed.”

Art is needed but in my 20 year-old mind, it felt like a secondary need and I was being drawn to fill a primary one, like protecting the environment, working for Oxfam or at a homeless shelter.

Even after all that internal strife, I was nowhere near choosing a job when I was close to graduating from college. I dreaded the “What are your career plans? What do you want to do (for the rest of your life)?” questions and purposefully avoided my parents’ friends and anyone I thought might ask me those.

Just thinking about graduating and having to answer them stressed me out.

I honestly had no idea. I didn’t really know what I loved, was passionate about or even liked. I did like art but my interest in it had begun to wane. All I knew was that I felt the need to be helpful. I’d read that quotation about being part of the solution and I wanted to be that but didn’t know what form it would take.

Life kept moving and I stumbled along, eventually finding my way. It took about two years of trying different jobs but I did end up being useful – I became a teacher.

Turned out, I really liked it.

When people asked me how that happened, how I chose teaching, I’d often say that I fell into it. Because back in college if you’d predicted my future and told me I was going to be a teacher, I would have laughed in your face and adamantly denied it. I hated public speaking and teaching definitely wasn’t cool.

Since beginning teaching over two decades ago, I’ve also worked as an educational consultant, a public relations writer, founded a school (and done the thousands of jobs associated with that) and more recently, become a writer, life coach and psychotherapist.

I wish that, back when I was 20, I’d known to reframe the stressful career question.

The daunting, overwhelming question, “What do you want to do (for the rest of your life)?”

The reframe not only makes it do-able to answer, it’s also a lot more accurate especially in today’s world.  

Because here’s the truth. That question: “What do you want to do (for the rest of your life)?” is no longer applicable. Just as college students overwhelmingly change majors, most of us will have multiple jobs too. I certainly have. So, the revised question to ask is this:

What do you want to do for the next THREE years?

Doesn’t that feel so much better? Isn’t it more manageable and actually kind of exhilarating?

If you find yourself in this predicament because your impending graduation is hanging like a black cloud over you or you’re simply ready for a new opportunity, a change from your existing job, ask yourself this question. Allow yourself to really delve into it.

What would be exciting to do for the next three years?

What is your heart yearning for?

What skills would be thrilling to acquire?

Where do you feel life is leading you?

Tap into that internal knowing and unlock the answer. Then, let me know what is says!

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THE Shortcut to Happiness = Gratitude

It is the week of giving, when we pause in our busy lives to be with family and friends, to honor them and to reflect on what we are thankful for.

This year, my older daughter will not be with us since she is in France (lucky her.) But as I write this and contemplate gratitude, I find myself thinking about something she said to me at the beginning of the year, in January.

She’d returned home from the store with a box of cards and walked into the kitchen where she announced that she was going to send thank you cards to everyone before she returned to school. Naturally I was thrilled and immediately thought, good job, Shakti, you’ve trained her well. But before I could really pat myself on the back she went on to say:

“I read recently that it isn’t happy people who are grateful. It’s grateful people who are happy.”

Instantly I knew she was right.

In fact, gratitude is the fastest way to feel happy!

Perhaps then it isn’t the excitement of eating turkey, stuffing and cranberry sauce that creates the feelings of elation we have on Thanksgiving. Maybe it’s the simple fact that we have paused to be grateful.

And the studies prove this. One example is Dr. Martin Seligman’s work at the University of Pennsylvania. An intervention he measured was having participants write and deliver a gratitude letter. According to his findings, those who completed this task demonstrated a significant rise in their happiness scores and out of all the interventions, this one showed the highest increase in happiness.

So this Thursday, take advantage of Thanksgiving and use it to launch yourself into gratitude.

Here are a few simple ideas to start off with:

1.     Have a Circle of Thanks

On Thanksgiving, go around the room or table and invite each person to share what he or she is grateful for. It can be a word, a sentence or more. Not only is it heart warming but tremendously insightful!

2.     Make A Call

Take 5 minutes on Thanksgiving and call someone you love. Tell them how much you care about them and how thankful you are that this person is in your life.

3.     Commit to Gratitude for 40 days

Starting on Thanksgiving and for the next 40 days, list 3-5 things you’re grateful for. It’s a wonderful way to start the day and can be as simple as thanking your bed for giving you a great sleep, or the shower for waking you up.

Then you can see if you agree with the researchers and my daughter. That gratitude is the shortest way to happiness. Happy Thanksgiving!

Tell me what you plan on doing this Thanksgiving.

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Living Regret Free? Here's How

When I was 28, I moved back to the United States after living in Asia for over 6 years. I came with my toddler and my new husband, and that was about it. Money was tight.

That summer while living on the west coast, I’d planned on visiting my family in New York but had put off the trip until December when I was sure life would be more financially secure.

My Nana turned 91 that August and I wanted to see her again as well as enable her to hold her great granddaughter whom she’d met a year earlier.

But I never got the chance.

In October my father called to tell me that Nana had gone into the hospital, complaining of shortness of breath and had passed away peacefully. I was in shock. My Nana, gone?

I’d lost a friend of mine recently. She’d had a brain aneurism and died instantly. Linda’s death was so sudden and seemingly random. And I’d struggled to put it together but Nana. Nana had been there my entire life. She’d been the sun in my gloomy life with her consummate smile and cheerful disposition. Now she was gone.

And then I felt it, regret.

If only I’d gone to see her in July. If only I’d seen her one last time. If only I’d told her how much I loved her.

Okay, I knew she was old. But somehow it never dawned on me that I wouldn’t see her again, that she wouldn’t be there for me. Nana had always been my constant. She’d visited my sister and me, every week when I was growing up. Regardless of where we’d lived, she’d shown up with laughter, food and hugs. That was Nana, loving and feeding us, always.

I felt awful. Not so much because she was gone, because I knew that was an inevitability. And I also knew she wasn’t really gone, because she wasn’t a body. I felt awful because I hadn’t said goodbye.

That’s when I decided that I would do my best to live my life with no regrets.

And all these years later I still do.

It works like this:

When I’m about to make a decision, I ask myself this question. “If you don’t do this will you regret it?"

The answer helps shape my actions.

Here’s an example. Not long ago I went back to school to get a Master’s Degree in Social Work. After I was done, I was pretty burned out. Working full time, having an internship and going to class every week for nearly two years was exhausting. It would have been really easy to be satisfied with that and not have pursued getting licensed. Being licensed was another 2-year commitment, more classes AND a rigorous exam.

The thought gnawed at me that I needed to get licensed but I just didn’t want to do the work. This went on for a few months and then I asked myself the question.

“Will you regret it if you don’t get licensed?”

And my answer was, “yes.”

So I sucked it up, jumped through the hoops of completing the paperwork, finding a supervisor, and started.

I use my regret question with big issues like that one but also with small ones too.

It’s a way to keep me moving through even some of the small tasks that I “don’t feel like doing” because they might be uncomfortable or if I’m in a situation that might never come around again.

Like if I go to South Beach and they’re offering para-sailing and I don’t go because it costs too much. I’ll use my question to confirm my decision. Because I don’t want to get home only to discover that I really wish I’d gone.

My regret question is especially prescient when a decision is related to a loved one.

Over the years I’ve come to realize the importance of communicating how much I love and cherish those around me and I want them to know it.

Let’s say I have a disagreement with my husband. I can hold on to that grievance and brood or I can elect to talk about it with him and process it.  Why? Because I don’t want any unsaid words to cause regret.

I want him to always know how much I love and care about him.

After all, life is fleeting and we don’t ever really know how long we’re here. We can pretend that it’s “if we die” but the reality is it’s “when.” Being cognizant of that helps me live more authentically and clearly. Because my goal is to come to the end of my life and to honestly be able to say to myself that I have no regrets.

How about you? Would this work in your life?

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I Used to Binge, Now I Don’t. Here’s What I Learned.

From my earliest memories food was always there. I see my nana serving meatballs, me polishing off an entire plate of food and getting fifty cents, walking to the new Haagen-Dazs for a vanilla cone.

Food was there when people weren’t. Food was there when we had to move again. Food was there and eventually it began to keep love out.

I used to be the kind of person who lived to eat.

I couldn’t wait to get home from school to make myself a bowl full of brownie mix and eat it, raw. As I kept gaining weight, my bingeing became secretive. I’d tiptoe into the kitchen, quietly open the cupboard, take a handful of cookies, and then run upstairs to my room.

But everything got much worse when I went away to boarding school.

In that accelerated academic environment, I experienced a new level of stress. It was the first time in my life that I wasn’t good at something, that I wasn’t a star. So I ate.

At times I couldn’t shove enough food into my mouth and often raided the vending machines in my dorm, buying candy bars and cookies, devouring packet after packet.

Bingeing haunted me throughout high school, college and into young adulthood. 

Initially, food was comforting and provided relief but ultimately, after eating too much, I’d feel physically ill and then emotionally berate myself. I’d begin a diet and exercise program, succeed for a while, and then something would swing me invariably to the other side and I’d binge, undoing weeks of hard work.

Graduating from college, I was a good 50 pounds overweight when I wandered into a bookstore in Cambridge one day. There I discovered what cracked open for me the mystery around my eating disorder, Geneen Roth’s book, When Food is Love.

It awakened a desire to delve deeper and I began re-thinking my relationship with food.

Reading it, I suddenly saw that I’d been using food as a substitute for love. “Food was our love; eating was our way of being loved. Food was available when our parents weren’t… Food didn’t say no. Food didn’t hit. Food didn’t get drunk. Food was always there. Food tasted good… Food became the closest thing we knew of love.”

Roth’s philosophy is that when we deny ourselves, we want even more. That rebound is fierce and just takes over.

So I stopped dieting and began to follow her plan.

Eating whatever I wanted was a dream. I spent hours concocting recipes. Eating only when I was hungry and stopping when I was full was much harder.

That required me to feel my body which meant I actually had to be in my body.

I’d spent so many years hating it, why would I want to be in my body now? It was the enemy- ugly and fat. I was ashamed of it. Yet I knew this was part of my healing. I had to be willing to be present in my body and not emotionally run away.

Over time, I have come to see that this is the only way to heal, by being fully present.

It felt great to “listen to my body” but the problem was that I couldn’t sustain it. Sometimes, I’d be triggered by stress, fear, anger, upset, annoyance, anxiety, you name it, and I would binge. That was when I realized I had to go deeper. I had to go into some of the emotional triggers that were causing my desire to eat and begin to change myself from the inside out.

To completely release food and go from living to eat to eating to live, took me three years.

Three years of uncovering my triggers and beginning to love myself.

Here’s what I learned:

1. Food isn’t the problem. It’s the symptom.

The problem was that I felt like there was a giant hole inside of me that needed to be filled. I had to learn how to fill that hole with love- and that started with ME, with self-love.

2. Control

When I ate, I felt out of control, like life was unmanageable, too scary and I couldn’t deal with any if it. Food was like the anchor. When I dieted, then I was controlling food and obsessing over it. Either way, it was about control or the need to be in control. It was only in the act of letting food go, surrendering it, that I could be free.

3. Being Present

I used food to run away from my here and now and to numb myself to negative emotion. When I allowed myself to be present, I had to feel everything. And to my surprise, it didn’t destroy me. Instead, it enabled me to heal.

Food was my primary drug of choice.

But I think anyone who has struggled with addiction can relate. After all, the truth is that we eat or drink or drug because we feel inadequate, unworthy and unlovable. When we’re willing to look underneath the surface, we can discover the truth of who we are and the real healing can begin. It might not be easy but if I could do it, anyone can. All you need is the willingness, the desire to change your life. And I promise, you’re worth it.

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Feeling Afraid? Try Acknowledging It

When I was in my early 20s, I was offered a job in sales and design for a manufacturer in Hong Kong. My office was in a factory located in an industrialized and severely polluted part of the territories. After arriving and settling in, I quickly realized that it wasn’t the job for me.

They hardly had anything for me to do and had hired me primarily as a favor to my mother. Every day I sat at my desk in a windowless room pretending to work. It was pretty awful.

About six months later I mustered up the courage to quit.

I made a list of what I felt like I needed in my life. Things like: sunshine, variety, more than 2 weeks vacation, connection. Between my list and my language limitations -not speaking Cantonese- I decided I should become a teacher. In fact, it met all of my requirements!

And of course that’s what happened.

I was offered a position at an international high school. I was thrilled, my first real job. I excitedly began prepping for my English literature and language classes until the night before school officially began. That’s when it dawned on me.

My job was public speaking all day, every day and I panicked.

As a child, I'd loved performing but that had all changed in high school. I had a crisis in confidence resulting from being socially ostracized. Now I was shy and scared, and most importantly, had lost my voice.

I quickly ran out of my apartment and down to the lobby then took off walking. My building was located on a cliff overlooking the harbor and was dark and quiet. As I walked, my mind whirred.

“What am I going to do? I can’t believe this. How could I have been so stupid? I can’t public speak all day everyday.” That freaked out voice went on and on until another voice interjected.

This new voice said to me, “It’s just fear. Can you do it anyway?”

Recently I’d read William Faulkner’s acceptance speech. The one he had given upon receiving the Nobel Prize for Literature in 1950. He’d spoken about the pervasive fear in the United States caused by the Cold War and the impending doom of nuclear annihilation that hovered over us. He went on to say: “[the young writer] must teach himself that the basest of all things is to be afraid; and, teaching himself that, forget it forever…”

Huh. I began to reason with myself. Fear is just an emotion. Was I going to let it stop me from teaching? Could I go through with it anyway, even though I was scared?

And the answer was, “yes, I can” and that’s exactly what I did.

In that moment, I realized that I was bigger than my fear. I had allowed myself to recognize it, and then put it aside.

Shortly after this, I saw a film that reconfirmed what I had experienced. In the movie, one of the characters quotes a Spanish proverb.

Translated it was: “A life lived in fear is a life half lived.”

Sitting in that movie theatre, I resolved that I would not live a half-life. I wanted to live a full, rich, complete life; truly experience being alive. And if that meant learning how to deal with fear, then that’s what I was going to do.

That was more than two decades ago but I still feel the same way today. Of course, fear keeps knocking and every time, I have to pay attention.

And in that time here’s what I‘ve learned:

Just because I experience fear, it doesn’t mean it has to control me.

If I acknowledge it, then I can manage it. When I try to push fear away or drown it by eating too much, drinking or avoiding, it comes back even stronger. Instead, when I recognize the fear and face it, just like I did on that dark cliff in Hong Kong, then I can disable it. I relegate it to the back seat instead of allowing it to be the driver. This way fear becomes my fellow traveler and not my boss.

What have you found helpful in managing fear?

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Finding Peace Amidst Crazy

It’s really easy to get sucked into busy. I watch people race around corners, speed talk into their phones, order lunch while texting.

And I confess, I’ve been addicted to busy too.

Not long ago I was a single mom of two, and then started a business. If that wasn’t enough, a few years after that I went back to school and then… Yes, the list continues but not for long because soon I’d blown my adrenals; too much stress.

Guess what that felt like?
Like having a constant panic attack.

Instead of feeling no energy, I felt even more anxious, stressed out and crazed. Fortunately, I had a health practitioner who diagnosed it and I didn’t end up on anti-anxiety medication, just adrenal supplements. Almost immediately I felt calmer.

But here’s the thing.

A pill helped me feel better BUT I had to change my lifestyle AND confess that I was addicted to busy.

Busy is very alluring. After all, busy made me feel important. I had calls to make, appointments to attend, people waiting for me, more emails in my inbox than I could read. I mattered. I had value. I was doing, doing, doing until I dropped.

So now what? How to manage busy with balance?

Well, balance is a word that didn’t feel like it fit at all in my modern world. But when I started inserting small acts of self-care, rest and pleasure, it was easier for me to begin to release busy.

If you’re willing to try and alleviate busy, just a little bit, here are some easy ideas to slot right in:

1.     Heading to Work? Try Breathing.

• Turn off the radio, close that magazine or newspaper and breathe.
• Do it for 5 minutes and count your breaths. Inhale ONE, exhale TWO until you get to ELEVEN. Then start over.
•  Ignore the people staring at you or driving by.
• Focus on your breath. If you lose count, start over.

This will clear your mind and allow you to feel more focused when you get to work.

2.     Stop at Lunchtime. Take 20 minutes -Go Sit Outside, Preferably by Water.

•  Eat an apple or a yogurt (something satisfying but healthy-ish).
• Don’t look at your phone. In fact, don’t even bring it.
• Just listen to the water, look at it and stop.

If you do this, you’ll be amazed at its ability to recharge you.
The afternoon will be more productive, feel less stressed and fly by.

3.     Fun. When’s the last time you had fun? What does fun even mean to you?

• Throw a Frisbee in your back yard or a nearby park with a spouse, friend or child.
• Dance around the living room to your favorite upbeat song.
• Play a board game like Clue, Pictionary or Twister instead of a computer one.

4.     On Your Way Home? Instead of listening to the news or going through the home To Do List or menu planning -

• Put on some uplifting music. Something that will kick you into happy.
• How about Beethoven’s 9th Symphony and soar with Ode to Joy?
• If classical music isn’t your thing, try some banjo picking blue grass or choral South African rhythms.
• Find something that will instantly put a smile on your face and make your heart sing.

When you get home, you’ll feel clear and ready for the next task.

5.      One Minute Mantra – Do this ANYTIME.

• Try it first thing when you wake up or at any point throughout the day.
• Pick an affirmation that will calm you down.
• It could be “I am safe” Or “I easily and effortlessly get everything done.”
• Maybe it’s “Creativity flows through me” or I am surrounded by love.”
• Take one of these or find a saying that feels good to you.
• When your mind starts with “I can’t….” or “I have too much to do…” and you feel the anxiety rising, embrace your statement.
• Just repeat it over and over. Instantly the anxiety should lessen.

Let me know how it goes and if busy feels suddenly less so.

Leave me a comment telling me which of these 5 YOU liked the best!

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5 Quick & Easy Ways to Access Happiness

I've just spent the last 8 weeks immersed in happiness. And it wasn't just me, it was an entire class of people! We dug deeply and discussed what joy means to each of us and uncovered ways we limit happiness in our lives. Thought I'd share some of my highlights:

Here are 5 Simple Ways to Experience Happiness

1. Take the time 

My first lesson was about remembering to take the time and ask the questions, “What is happiness to me?” “When do I feel happy?” And then to listen to the answer!

2. Gratitude is the shortest short cut to happiness.

Last January when Ayu was returning to college, she announced that she was going to write thank you cards to everyone. (Of course I thought, “good work, Shakti, she’s well trained”) but it turns out that obligation wasn’t her motivation. Instead she said, “I read recently that it isn’t happy people who are grateful it’s grateful people who are happy.” And it’s true, turns out that gratitude is the fast track to happiness. Why not start today?

Make a list right now of 5 things you’re grateful for.

3. To Be or Not to Be

When we just allow ourselves to be, rather than do, worry, or try to change, we are happy. After all, we are human beings not human doers although at times that’s easy to forget. This one is about taking time just to be. So here’s what I do:

• Lie outside and enjoy the sun on my face
• Sit at my desk and let the creative juices flow
• Walk through my mom’s backyard enjoying all her plantings.

Joy fills the moment.

4.  Better Reception

Often times we forget to open up to receive because it might mean we have to do two things: Ask and then listen. God or the Uni-verse or whatever word you like for the great mystery that surrounds us, is on our side and is always supporting us. We have to help God by allowing ourselves to open up to receive all the love, goodness, kindness, prosperity, health that it has for us. Here’s an easy exercise:

• Ask for something you want more of (like creativity.)
• Then lie down with your arms over your head and feel creativity rain down on you.

5. The Only Block to Happiness is Me

From all the research I've done, I believe that joy is who we are. It's our innate nature. What keeps us from experiencing this ALL the time, is us. I tune in and out of joy – I forget, get consumed with emotion or worry, fear or anxiety. Joy is still there waiting patiently for me to return. Knowing that serves as a reminder that all I have to do is fiddle with my own internal radio dial and voila, joy is back.

LET me know which of these resonates with you. 

OR share a way you connect to happiness by leaving a comment below.

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A Life Lesson from my 14-Year Old

Last week my 14-year old was being just that, a 14-year old. When I’d ask a question, I’d get a grunt or if I was lucky a one word answer. I knew in my heart that it wasn’t about me but as the days wore on and the behavior stayed the same I watched my tolerance expire.

Finally, I just couldn’t take it anymore.

Fortunately, I didn’t lose it in front of her, yell or express my frustration. Instead, I called a friend. “I need help. My daughter won’t talk to me and I’ve reached the end. I don’t think I can take another day of this.”

In our conversation, what ended up emerging wasn’t my daughter’s behavior but rather my response to her behavior. After all, I want to show up and be loving, supportive, kind, empathetic. Don’t you?

Instead I felt frustrated, irritated and annoyed. And that made me feel embarrassed.

What I wanted was to be able to keep riding it, let it wash over me like a wave, knowing that it was just temporary. I wanted to allow her the freedom to be where she was and how she was without being affected by it. But sometimes, in the moment, that’s hard to realize and easy to fall into defeat.

So why did my response bother me?

Underneath my disappointment about not showing up as a loving presence, was the fear that I was being a bad parent AND that behavior would have lasting effects.

Here’s how the unconscious thought went, “because I’m being a bad parent, I’ll never have a good, loving relationship with her.”

Talk about projection! Wow.

Once I got clear about my underlying fear and could satisfactorily let it go, I instantly felt calm, refreshed and no longer annoyed. In fact, I actually forgot that her behavior had been bothering me at all.

And guess what happened?

The next day my daughter was Miss Chatty in the car!

I’m constantly amazed at the truth of this. Every time I let go and shift my behavior, the whole dynamic changes.

So often we feel out of control or feel the need to change someone else or their behavior.  But the ultimate lesson is that we can only control us or in my case, me. And when I do, when I own my reactions, face the triggers and release them, I free myself. And then, like magic, everything else changes.

Do you have a teenager? Have you experienced this?

Tell me about your journey in a comment below.

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Yes My Family Can Drive Me Crazy

Ram Dass says, “if you think you’re enlightened go live with your family for a week.” Most days I’m thankful for the lessons I’ve learned from my loved ones. But some days, I’d rather be left alone.

Recently I had an opportunity to examine my own judgment from a situation that occurred. In my opinion, one of my family members, let’s call him Dave, had intentionally hurt another human being. I was deeply bothered by this.

The act seemed selfish and irrational and I was having a really hard time getting beyond it.

The phrase that kept repeating in my mind was, “ you can’t just kick people to the curb.”

I actually got angry about it and purposefully distanced myself, choosing not to be around Dave. Then unexpectedly, he pulled into my driveway embodying everything that I felt like I didn’t stand for, selfishness, inauthenticity, and selling out. I struggled to plaster a smile on my face and couldn’t wait for him to leave.

5 minutes later I walked into my house ranting. “How could he… this is why I am the way I am…”

The knowing voice inside kept reminding me that I had to let it go.

This was his choice. It was his life. I had to forgive Dave but it was hard! I was clinging intensely to my own self-righteousness.

The next morning in my meditation, I received a teaching to release judgment for the day. I decided to embrace this lesson and have a judge free day.

There would be no “I like.”

No “What is he thinking?”

No “that was a silly choice…”

And I did!

It was wonderful. I felt free and light, clear and present. Later in the afternoon, I thought about Dave and suddenly realized I wasn’t angry anymore. It had floated away during my judge free day because after all, that’s what it was, my judgment of his behavior, my righteousness and desire to make his actions wrong.

Then something amazing happened.

Dave approached me having realized he was not proud of his behavior. We had an amazing heart to heart talk. I was able to say through love what I had observed and how it made me feel. And Dave could hear me because I wasn’t judging him, making him wrong or angry.

Because I forgave him, healing took place.

This never would have happened if I hadn’t released my own anger, judgment and righteousness. I felt so much gratitude for the entire event. Because what I was reminded of is that we never know the big picture, God’s plan. Maybe Dave needed that experience to finally stop a life long pattern. Maybe the (in my opinion) wronged person needed to learn something too. I’ll never know. I’m just grateful that I was able to show up open heartedly when the moment arose and love my family member completely.

Have you ever felt frustrated by a member of your family? What happened?

Leave me a comment below!

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Who Are You?

In the last 40+ years I’ve asked myself this question, Who Am I?" countless times. Sometimes when I hear it I see the caterpillar from Alice in Wonderland, smoking his hookah and looking sagely down at Alice. He pointedly and stiltedly inquires, “whoooo are youuuuu?”

Sometimes I hear Roger Daltrey’s voice belting it out “tell me who, who, who are you...”

When you’re asked, "who are you?" what’s the answer?

Is it an automatic default with responses like: “I’m a woman (man), a wife (husband), a daughter (son), a mother (father), a student… “

It’s pretty common to identify with roles we play in our lives because, to a large extent, they define us or we allow them to define us.

Once I really committed to a spiritual path though, this question seemed to haunt me. I say this because it was like I had to go deeper with it, deeper than the external roles I play and that I thought defined me.

I am a body- a female, blonde, tallish… or am I?

Am I really a body, separate from everything? But I am more than just a body.

I’m a soul, a part of the one-ness of the Uni-verse.

I’ve been tricked into thinking I’m a body. But who I am, my soul, is eternal, never dies.

There’s a famous Indian saint named Sri Ramana Maharshi who is often quoted as asking his students that question, “Who Are you?"

I used to imagine him asking me that question and staring at him blankly, feeling completely empty and void of a single idea.

Apparently, though his goal in asking the question wasn’t necessarily to get an answer but to encourage self-reflection.

In other words, to go deeper.

Not to have it be a ‘mind’ exercise but to really contemplate our basic consciousness, our true nature or essential being. And as we do this, we see that we are not a role, not a body, that we are part of the whole, infinite one-ness or God, the Uni-verse or whatever word you like.

In fact, it isn’t actually a question at all but a statement, “I am…”

And therein lies its power.

If we know that we are part of God, that we co-create our world, then “I am” becomes how we define the vastness and greatness of who we are. The limits, definitions or roles are simply ways we make ourselves smaller, not believing that we are indeed capable of greatness.

As Marianne Williamson so eloquently stated in A Return to Love:

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people will not feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It is not just in some of us; it is in everyone and as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give others permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.

So, the next time you hear the question, “Who are you?” what will you say?

Write your answer below!

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A Real Ghostwriter

As many of you know, I’ve been working on a memoir about my life and my sister, Melissa’s life for a while now. In fact, I’m coming up on the 1-year anniversary of my computer crash and losing a huge chunk of that manuscript. An error which cost me a few months of time spent re-writing what I’d been too remiss to save. I was determined last fall though to complete an initial manuscript and move on to the next phase, whatever that was.

It turns out that for me, the next phase is working with a plot coach!

I’ve teamed up with a woman who works in Los Angeles -mostly on scripts- and she’s helping me take what I’ve done so far and restructure it so that (ideally) it reads like a page turner! Sounds promising, right?

The night before my first plot coaching call, I coincidentally had an astrological consult.

In my reading, of course we discussed this book- about Melissa and me. And the astrologer said, “you know how sometimes authors use ghostwriters to help them with their stories?”

“Yes,” I replied, knowing what a ghostwriter is -someone who helps the author convey their story if they neither possess the time nor proclivity to do the actual writing.

“Well,” he continued, “in your case it’s like you have an actual ghost writer.”

Yes, I thought, I do!

And that reminded me of how I started this project in the first place. It was July, 2012. I was in New Hampshire. Govinda, my husband, was in class from 7:30 am until 6:00 pm every weekday for 3 weeks. I was all alone – no children, no chores, no shoulds no have-tos.

The little voice in my head said, “great, now you have time to write.”

I did an excellent job of ignoring that voice for a week opting instead to mostly lose myself in other people’s writing, easily polishing off two novels. But then when week 2 rolled around the voice got a whole lot louder.

“Fine! I’ll start writing” I retorted by Tuesday of week 2. I pulled out a pad and a pen and started writing. Then the thoughts came. “What should I write about?”

I tried to go along one vein, then another. Everything sounded trite, boring or mundane. I quickly began dissolving into insecurity and fear. Soon I was lying on the ground, curled up crying. My mind chatter pummeling me with dejecting words.

And then Melissa spoke to me.

“Tell our story.”

“Really?” I replied. “Are you sure you want me to do that? It might not be so nice.”

“Tell our story.”

“Alright.”

I sat up and grabbed the pad that had fallen along side me. Instantly an entire outline came to me along with a name, Irish Twins. In five minutes it was all written down.

Suddenly I was on my way.

Two years later, she still whispers in my ear and my hope is she will continue to do so until the project is done. Because, as my astrologer, Dale said, I do have a real ghostwriter.

Have you ever wanted to do a project and got stuck?

Did you get help?

Share your story below!

I'd love to hear it.

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You Said NOTHING?

Sometimes life can feel like an endless To Do List. This weekend, while I contemplated relaxing, got eaten up instead with household chores, entertaining and childcare.

Suddenly it's Monday again! The have-tos start as soon as the alarm goes off and the week can easily be absorbed with task fulfillment and checked boxes.

When this happens, my life begins to feel like a treadmill.

I walk, run, sprint but am on this endless go round. That’s when a little thought enters my mind and suggests it might be time to stop and do... nothing.

That's right, I said it, do nothing.

This is like the antithesis of the American way now. In fact, think about how we meet and greet people. More and more often we say, "Hey, how ya doin'?" or  "What did you do over the weekend?" We're conditioning ourselves to be rewarded by accomplishments, achievements, lists completed.

Isn't it a little embarrassing to walk into work after a long weekend and in response to "What did you do?" your answer might be "nothing." Do we not want to admit that? If we do we might be perceived as lazy, a slacker or even an avoider.

And it isn’t just weekends, Americans take less time off than any other workers in developed nations.

Not only do we have less vacation days than other countries -on average Americans get 10 paid days per year and 6 paid holidays versus a minimum of 20 in the EU. Studies also indicate that 51% of American workers don't even use all of their vacation time. What's more 61% actually work while they're on vacation. So even when we do finally take a few days off, it’s pretty common to be on the phone or checking email. Like we just can’t turn off or unplug.

For the past year, I've consciously made an effort at being less of a Do-er. Trying to slow down and check out.

To transition myself, I’ve been actively working on two concepts:

The first one is busyness.

Somehow because Americans have become these formidable Do-ers, we derive our self worth from that: doing- accomplishing, achieving, crossing all the items off the to-do list. When I’m trapped in that cycle I never have enough time. There's always too much to do. I run from task to task feeling rushed and anxious, knowing I'll never get it all done. 

My first step was getting off the busy ride.

I decided it was okay not to get everything done. I was going to survive if I sent that email tomorrow, went to the post office on Friday or delayed a meeting until next week. The sky didn't fall, the business didn't close, and no one seemed put out.

Slowing down and being more realistic with my "have tos" has made my life feel increasingly peaceful and less stressful. In fact, I’m even learning how to say no! As in, it's ok not to do everything!

The second lesson as I keep moving away from busy is toward relaxing.

At first I implemented this just with my schedule. I started limiting the hours that I worked in a day adding more down time, exercise time, and trying to find a balance that felt good to me. I no longer wanted to feel like my life was so heavily lopsided by work.

It's been about a year since I've implemented this and overall, I accomplish as much if not more than I did rushing and feeling stressed. But I don't feel nearly as much anxiety, worry or tension.

Now the next phase is relaxing even more into the flow.

What I mean exactly is that I tend by nature to be impatient. I want everything done yesterday. Because of this, I can push, push, push instead of allowing something to unfold.

As part of my year exploring trust, I’ve come to understand that relaxing into life is really an exercise in trust. If I trust that my outcome is assured, or that only good will come to me then I can relax and not worry. I don't have to constantly shore up, fixate or feel the need to do, do, do. I can relax into knowing.

Last week I read a line in A Course in Miracles that says, "who would attempt to fly with the tiny wings of a sparrow when the mighty power of an eagle has been given him?"

And to me, that's relaxing into trust.

Why should I constantly try to flap with these mini wings, pushing with all my might when the Universe (or God or whatever word you like) can do it for me? 

This feels so much better. It doesn't mean I lie on the couch ALL day, reading and watching movies. But it does mean that I smile more, am clear about how to cherish everyday and enjoy the ride that is this amazing journey of life, knowing that it’s all happening in the perfect time.

How do you experience your life?

Do you make time to relax?

Tell me what works for you by leaving a comment below.

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