Moving Through Fear In 3 Easy Steps

Last week I got a call from a woman in tears who confessed that she was incapable of completing even simple tasks anymore, like phoning a sick friend. She then said, “I’m paralyzed by fear.”

My heart went out to her.

Obviously she was in a lot of pain. Sometimes it’s easy to look at people who are successful or brave and feel like they must be cut from a different cloth.

They must have mastered fear and no longer have it.

We compare ourselves and feel woefully inadequate. Then we can think things like, “That person is so unlike me. I’m just a big scardey cat, afraid all the time.”

I knew this woman felt like she was alone in her suffering.

So I resolved to support her just as I had been helped years earlier to walk through my own fear.

About fourteen years ago, I was a martial arts student, preparing for an upcoming rank test in Tae Kwon Do. This meant I’d have to break a board. I never felt terribly confident in sports and saw myself as clumsy and awkward.

I was slowly working myself into a panic about performing. Not only would I forget the moves for the form I was required to do but I’d get hurt or worse. I’d make a fool out of myself and feel embarrassed in front of the other students, my teachers and family.

I finally said something, knowing I needed encouragement. My teacher, who had also been a spiritual practitioner for more than 30 years, shared his wisdom with me.

He said, “Courage isn’t the absence of fear."

"It’s not that people who are brave aren’t afraid. We’re all scared. It’s just about how we manage that fear. Does it prevent us from doing what we want or do we gently put it aside and allow it to be a fellow traveler?”

I loved this idea of managing our fear.

That felt attainable, real. I couldn’t imagine banishing fear forever because that seemed impossible. But I could envision managing it.

After all, fear is part of the human response. It’s helped keep us alive for thousands of years. It’s a natural part of our Sympathetic Nervous System – fight or flight.

The problem only arises when fear gets out of control, almost like it metastasizes and wants to consume us. We can become paralyzed by fear, incapable of taking action. Just like the woman who had called me.

When fear comes in that strongly, sometimes we need clarity, another voice to help us separate from it. And to remember that it’s just an emotion. No matter how all consuming it can feel, it is just that, a feeling.

So, when you’re in that fear place, here are 3 simple ways to get through it:

1.     Breathe

And remind yourself that what you're experiencing is just a feeling, an emotion. Fear is NOT who you are.

2.     Acknowledge it.

When we try to push fear away, we just make it stronger. Recognize it’s there. Thank it for sharing and then tell it that you’re going to put it aside for now and do _____________ (make that phone call, complete the paperwork, find out about the diagnosis) anyway.

3.     Ask for help.

This can come in many forms – a friend, partner, counselor, coach or in prayer. Sometimes during meditation I will tell God, “I’m scared of _________. Help me.” Amazingly I always get relief, support, love and guidance.

It’s true that we are all afraid.

We’re hard wired that way but the good news is it doesn’t have to rule our lives. We can control fear and when we do, we find that our lives are more exciting, and fulfilling. We feel more empowered, supported, guided and present. Enjoy your life more by allowing fear to be your fellow traveler instead of the boss.

Has fear ever prevented you from achieving a goal?

Obviously she was in a lot of pain. Sometimes it’s easy to look at people who are successful or brave and feel like they must be cut from a different cloth.

They must have mastered fear and no longer have it.

We compare ourselves and feel woefully inadequate. Then we can think things like, “That person is so unlike me. I’m just a big scardey cat, afraid all the time.”

I knew this woman felt like she was alone in her suffering.

So I resolved to support her just as I had been helped years earlier to walk through my own fear.

About fourteen years ago, I was a martial arts student, preparing for an upcoming rank test in Tae Kwon Do. This meant I’d have to break a board. I never felt terribly confident in sports and saw myself as clumsy and awkward.

I was slowly working myself into a panic about performing. Not only would I forget the moves for the form I was required to do but I’d get hurt or worse. I’d make a fool out of myself and feel embarrassed in front of the other students, my teachers and family.

I finally said something, knowing I needed encouragement. My teacher, who had also been a spiritual practitioner for more than 30 years, shared his wisdom with me.

He said, “Courage isn’t the absence of fear."

"It’s not that people who are brave aren’t afraid. We’re all scared. It’s just about how we manage that fear. Does it prevent us from doing what we want or do we gently put it aside and allow it to be a fellow traveler?”

I loved this idea of managing our fear.

That felt attainable, real. I couldn’t imagine banishing fear forever because that seemed impossible. But I could envision managing it.

After all, fear is part of the human response. It’s helped keep us alive for thousands of years. It’s a natural part of our Sympathetic Nervous System – fight or flight.

The problem only arises when fear gets out of control, almost like it metastasizes and wants to consume us. We can become paralyzed by fear, incapable of taking action. Just like the woman who had called me.

When fear comes in that strongly, sometimes we need clarity, another voice to help us separate from it. And to remember that it’s just an emotion. No matter how all consuming it can feel, it is just that, a feeling.

So, when you’re in that fear place, here are 3 simple ways to get through it:

1.     Breathe

And remind yourself that what you're experiencing is just a feeling, an emotion. Fear is NOT who you are.

2.     Acknowledge it.

When we try to push fear away, we just make it stronger. Recognize it’s there. Thank it for sharing and then tell it that you’re going to put it aside for now and do _____________ (make that phone call, complete the paperwork, find out about the diagnosis) anyway.

3.     Ask for help.

This can come in many forms – a friend, partner, counselor, coach or in prayer. Sometimes during meditation I will tell God, “I’m scared of _________. Help me.” Amazingly I always get relief, support, love and guidance.

It’s true that we are all afraid.

We’re hard wired that way but the good news is it doesn’t have to rule our lives. We can control fear and when we do, we find that our lives are more exciting, and fulfilling. We feel more empowered, supported, guided and present. Enjoy your life more by allowing fear to be your fellow traveler instead of the boss.

Has fear ever prevented you from achieving a goal?

Share it with us below!

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Ready To Get What You Want?

In New Age circles, one hears a lot about intention.

“Set your intention. Be clear about what you want. Ask for the what, let God figure out the how.”

And like most things, we do it and have mixed success, right?

But here’s the thing. Intention isn’t enough.

I can have the intention to learn how to ride a bike or to lose 20 pounds. I can think about it, visualize it and imagine it but unless I’m willing to take some action towards achieving my goal, it’ll never happen.

Am I going to learn to ride a bike from saying I want to? Not likely. But I’ll master it if I get on it and practice. It’s the same for losing weight. I can write down my intention or say it out loud but unless I do something, nothing will change.

I first heard Marci Shimoff talk about a secret formula for success in her book Happy for No Reason. In it she says she learned this from performance consultant, Bill Levacy. To me, it encapsulates exactly how to use intention and harness its power to create results in your life.

And the best part, it’s really easy to remember.

Here’s the formula: Intention, Attention, No Tension.

How does it work?

1.     Intention

The first thing we have to do is set an intention. Just like above. What do I want?

a.     I want to lose 20 pounds

b.     I want to have a successful massage practice with 20 clients a week.

c.      I want to get As in all of my classes.

Make sure to be specific. Once you’re clear about your intention, write it down. Say it out loud. Hang it up somewhere you can see it. Now it’s time to activate step 2.

2.     Attention

How am I going to achieve my goal or intention? What actions, steps, and imagery can help my intention to manifest? Try to make these specific too.

a.     Losing Weight 

Researching diets or finding a local support group might be a great first step. Once I have some help, the next step is changing eating and exercise habits, slowly. Set goals that are realistic, safe and feel attainable.

b.     Successful Massage Practice

Have I tried advertising my massage business locally or attended a networking event? What about referrals from other healthcare practitioners? Have I made a brochure?

c.      Getting all As

Am I utilizing a planner to ensure that I get all my work done? Do I have a quiet place to study? Have I scheduled time to get work done?

Putting attention on what I want to accomplish focuses the mind, emotions and actions towards the goal. Think about step 2 like action steps to get a desired outcome (intention). We can write them down and check them off one by one.

Now for step 3. Some people think this is the easiest step while others think it’s the hardest!

3.     No Tension

What’s that? Another way to say this is relaxing into the process. I relax, knowing that all my thoughts, visioning and actions will produce an outcome.

We can’t push the river. What do I mean? We have to surrender and allow things to unfold in divine time not on our timeline.

If you’re anything like me, who wants everything done yesterday, it’s often difficult to wait and allow things to unfold naturally. Sometimes when I’m in the middle of striving for my goal it can be hard to grasp why it’s taking so long. Yet, despite my impatience, when I do get results, I always see the magnificence and perfection in the timing.

When I remember to NOT push the river, I can actually float down in it, knowing that divine action is moving me exactly where I need to go. And it feels infinitely better and more fun than being uptight, annoyed and irritated that I’m not getting results fast enough.

Step 3 is about learning how to relax and enjoy the ride, enjoy the wait, enjoy the process.  After all, this is what life is, a process.

So try this great and easy to remember formula for success. Use it to manifest what you want. Be sure to let me know how it goes!

Leave a comment below sharing how you'll use this technique!

I'd love to hear it.

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The Power of Visualization

My 15 year-old daughter is taking a standardized test in English and as I think about preparing her for it, I’m reminded of an exam I took not so long ago. It was for Psychopathology, a required class for my graduate program in Social Work.

We were essentially required to memorize the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM), read scenarios and apply diagnoses.

All of us students were struggling.

On the last day of class, we showed up on Saturday morning for our final. Before our professor passed out the exams she said, “I want you to close your eyes.”

 Being the dutiful student I am, I complied.

 She then went on. “Imagine yourself in a library. See the rows of books and all the information. This is what is within your brain. It has all the knowledge and answers. Allow yourself to access this, remembering it is here for you as you read each question and answer it.”

As I listened to her words, I saw myself in the library. I observed how my mind was made up of all this information, of the countless hours I’d spent studying notecards, discerning the differences between types of schizophrenia and personality disorders, between major depression and dysthymia, and on and on.

I took a deep breath acknowledging that all the answers would revel themselves to me. Then I opened my eyes and took the test.

Upon finishing, I felt relieved. I’d confidently answered many of the questions although there’d definitely been a few that had stumped me. Either way, I knew I’d passed. Phew.

When I returned to school the next semester, I had the same professor for another class. After the first lecture, she approached me and told me I’d only missed two problems on that Psychopathology exam. I was shocked.

Why did I do so well?

The Power of Visualization.

I truly believe that if my professor hadn’t reminded me that I knew everything and walked us through that activity, I wouldn’t have done so well.

Can you think of a time when you’ve visualized success and it’s worked? Maybe before a race or a big event? Prior to a lecture or trip?

Using Visualization Does Two Things:

1.     It Keeps Worry at Bay

We’re focusing on what we want and not spending a lot of time and energy on what we don’t want (that’s worrying).

2.     It Invites the Universe to Help Us Create the Future We Intend

We’re always creating our world even though we don’t often realize it. By becoming aware of our thoughts, emotions and imagery, we can begin to manifest more of what we want into our lives.

Recently I used visualization as a way to staunch my panic and manifest a last minute solution.

I was heading to Morocco and accidentally misread the boarding paper. It was in military time, 17:50, but somehow I was reading it as 7:50 pm. Not so good. We got on the bus at 4:30 pm when I realized my error giving us a little over an hour to go 30 miles on the bus, get through security, and clear immigration to make our international flight.

Needless to say, my traveling companion was furious but I kept telling her: “Visualize us being on the plane. See us sitting there.”

Then she replied, “Fine. Imagine yellow seats because that’s what Ryan Air looks like.”

Sure enough, we got on that plane! The power of visualization.

I seem to always remember to use this tool when I’m in a crisis or to deal with anxiety but the key is to remember to use it all the time. When we plan our lives. When we see our future. When we think about our health. When we find ourselves worried about our children.

Visualize What You Want.

See yourself in perfect health.

See our world at peace.

See your business thriving.

Your children safe.  

Your finances growing.

See it, feel it, bring in as much emotion and meaning as you can and watch the magic unfold.

Let me know how YOU use visualization in your life.

What works for you?

Leave me a comment below!

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5 Ideas for Managing This Anxious World

Worried about the next snowstorm hitting your city or that your flight will be delayed? You’re not alone. In fact, every single one of us experiences anxiety. But when we constantly avoid socializing, excessively sweat before a presentation or are unable to sleep because our minds won’t stop, then anxiety may be taking us over.

According to the National Institute of Mental Health, 40 million Americans or 18% of our population is suffering from this level of anxiety making it the top mental illness diagnosis. Anxiety is clearly the malady of our modern day life.

What Exactly is Anxiety?

Anxiety, as I mentioned earlier, is a normal human response to uncertainty and we experience it often in our lives at work, in school (such as before tests), when we make decisions or if something unexpected arises.

Anxiety becomes a problem when our feelings and thoughts prevent action or cause symptoms that render us unable to cope. These include constant worry, panic, fear and apprehension. There can also be physical symptoms such as sweating, heart palpitations, high blood pressure, and restlessness.

Why Are We So Anxious?

Our modern world is exciting and fast. Thanks to technology we’re also hyper connected and constantly exposed to vast quantities of information. It’s simply too much to process.

In addition, anxiety is effortlessly fed by looming uncertainties like the slow economic recovery, rising terrorism, constant environmental stressors, and managing life’s increasingly complex responsibilities.

If we’re forward thinking, we easily become habituated toward worry, fear and anxiety. What’s going to happen? How am I going to manage it? What if I get Ebola?

To cope with anxiety, many people take Benzodiazepine medications such as: Xanax, Ativan, Valium or Klonopin. These pills target the gamma-aminobutyric acid or GABA, a neurotransmitter chemical, enabling the user to feel more relaxed, and less anxious. They can be addicting and often, when a pill wears off, can make a person feel even more anxious.

What Else Can We Do?

Here are 5 Easy Ways to Address Anxiety Without Medication

1.     Manage It

The number one thing we can do to help ourselves deal with anxiety is to change our thinking.

Let’s reframe anxiety and accept that it exists, that we will feel it and experience it. Anxiety will never go away because we are hard wired to have it. Instead, we have to manage it and recognize it as a warning.

What Does Anxiety Want to Teach Me Right Now?

Do I need to make sure my car is filled with gasoline before the storm? Should I double check my alarm clock so I won’t be late for the meeting? Anxiety is a natural warning system but it doesn’t have to become a way of life.

2.     Be Present

Often we fall into anxious thoughts because we’ve moved ourselves out of the present moment and into a future scenario.  We imagine terrible suffering and awful possibilities. To quote Mark Twain, “.. life does not consist mainly -- or even largely -- of facts and happenings. It consists mainly of the storm of thoughts that is forever blowing through one's head.”

Instead, if we can bring our attention back to this moment, most of the time, nothing awful is happening. It’s all in our heads. When I find my mind careening forward and painting scary scenarios, I remind myself to come back to now, back to this present moment.

Then I ask questions like:

Am I safe right now?

Am I supported right now?

Are my children okay?

Am I healthy?

And nearly all the time, the answer is yes.

3. Foster Healthy Mind Habits

Left to its own devices, our minds wander, projecting lots of “what if” scenarios or telling us scary stories and other negative things like: “They don’t like me.” “I’ll lose my job.” ”He’s talking about me.” “They’ll never hire me.” “I won’t have enough money.”

Catching ourselves thinking like this is the first step.

Then we can begin to change those thoughts and shift into healthier patterns. Choosing positive self-talk, reassuring words and kind messages instead. Phrases like:

“I’m doing a good job.”

“I can ask for help if I need it.”

“I’m an excellent money manager.”

4.     Limit News

We can also support ourselves by limiting our exposure to the news. Today we can see what is happening across the globe and sometimes that level of knowledge can feed our anxiety. Learning about a military coup or suicide bomber can fuel our fear and propel us into anxiety when, in all likelihood, that occurrence will have no real impact on our lives. Especially avoid watching the news before bed.

5.     Exercise

The research that exercise reduces stress and anxiety is overwhelming. We all know it immediately makes us feel better, boosts our immune system and releases endorphins. And yet, when I’m in an anxious state, it can be hard to get myself motivated.

So the best strategies to ensure that exercise is part of your life are to:

• Create a regular routine.

  • Maybe it’s a walk with friends once a week or an evening yoga class. For me it’s running 4-5 times a week.
     
  • Creating a routine can help us stay exercising even when anxiety appears.
     

• Have a buddy.

  •  Initially it was really hard for me to be self-motivated to exercise.
    I relied on my husband to get me going. He loves working out and was like a cheerleader for me.
     

  • Another way to have accountability is to meet someone at the gym or studio. Knowing someone is waiting can get you there when you feel unmotivated.

So the next time you find yourself feeling anxious and stressed, try incorporating some or all of the above. If you need more help, reach out to a friend, coach or therapist. There’s no reason to feel oppressed by this life. It’s here for you to be lived and enjoyed to the fullest. So get out there, have fun and live anxiety free!

What do you do for anxiety?

Leave a comment below!

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3 Reasons Why Lying Doesn’t Work in Relationships

I read an article over the weekend in which the author encouraged us to lie, especially to our loved ones. I had to re-read his words because I could not believe it. His premise was that in order to keep the peace, we lie to one another and not reveal our true thoughts.

One of his arguments was that we can’t always say exactly what we’re thinking.

At times we have to be mindful and discerning about how we speak to people.

This isn’t lying – it’s phrasing things so that another can more easily hear it. After all, none of us enjoy being criticized or put down. And those forms of communication are totally ineffective anyway. So instead of saying to my friend, “you don’t do anything anyway so why not.” I might re-phrase it to “you have the time since you don’t have a lot of commitments.”

Even after finishing the article I was far from convinced of the merits of lying. In fact, I think the opposite is true. In all relationships, and especially love ones, we need honesty.

Am I alone in thinking this?

Here’s why honesty matters

1.     Trust

How do you have a relationship without trust? I need to trust that my lawyer or accountant is ethical, does things legally and has my best interests in mind. Likewise, I need to trust that my employees are truthful with me, don’t steal or reveal trade secrets.

As we need trust in our business relationships, we need it even more in our intimate ones.

I want to know that what you promise to do, what you say, you genuinely mean. Then I can count on you, physically and emotionally. I used to have a relationship in which I could not rely on my partner. He was never there for me. He would always say yes or be indecisive but then when the day rolled around, would be unavailable. Guess what happened?

2.     When You’re Trustworthy, I Open Up More

We all crave intimacy. We all want to be known and understood. This only happens when we feel emotionally safe with another person. I allow myself to be vulnerable because I know my husband will support me. If I share a deep fear or angst with him, he doesn’t belittle me or make me wrong. Instead he listens deeply, and encourages me. This kind of sharing can only happen when we’re truthful. If instead of listening to me, my husband cracked a joke or placated me with a platitude, I would cease opening up to him. And eventually we would grow farther and farther apart.

3.     A Genuine Sounding Board Not A Yes Man

Think about it. Do you have respect for people who always tell you what you want to hear? It may feel nice at first but isn’t it so much more refreshing when someone is honest? When they question your judgment or actions?  We all need people in our lives who can be the voice of encouragement or concern – who take on either role. It gives us clarity and truthful feedback. This only comes with honesty, trust and rapport.

What works for you in your relationships? Do you find that you tell little lies often for fear of hurting someone’s feelings or because you don’t know how to be truthful? Or do you feel that your relationships are built on trust and honesty?

Tell me what works for you. I’m all ears.

Leave me a comment below.

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When Self-Doubt Rears Its Head

After traveling for two weeks, it was time to fly home. Vacations are like a suspension of “regular life” and then, inevitably, I must come back. I refer to this as re-entry.

Re-entry started for me at the airport, waiting to board my flight. My mind churned with the various tasks I needed to do -- the work, the chores, the responsibilities. I pushed them away, banishing them to the back of my mind. After all, I wasn’t home yet.

But on Monday morning, they came crashing back.

I had to manage my internal dialog so I wouldn’t get overwhelmed. I made a list and got to work.

But the biggest challenge I was facing was self-doubt.

After being away, and feeling removed from everything, I had begun questioning myself. Was I doing the right thing? Should I just give up writing my book and building my business?

One of the voices in my head was telling me all the “have-tos” and “shoulds” I needed to do. These felt heavy and burdensome until I realized who was dictating them. My life is in my control. I get to choose what I want to do or not.

The only one putting pressure on me was me.

That felt better.

What did I really have to do? I completed the pressing tasks and attempted to relax and schedule out the rest. But I still had to face the self-doubt I’d allowed to creep in.

Being a Libra and a six on the Enneagram, I wrestle a lot with self- doubt.

I question my decisions and often weigh things out. I look at problems from other people’s perspectives, often seek their advice and am quick to question my own. I’ve been working hard on this quality –- of listening to my own inner guidance -- and there’s only one sure way for me to do that, through prayer and meditation.

This morning’s meditation began with my Course in Miracles lesson, “My thoughts are images that I have made.” I don’t think I could’ve asked for a better lesson for today. It was exactly what I was struggling with.

I was suffering from my own thoughts of self-doubt.

Then I asked God to guide me. What would you have me do today? And the answer I received was this:

Love and accept yourself, even your self-doubt.

I’d fallen into the place of feeling like I needed some kind of confirmation or validation from the world. We often seek success, fame, acknowledgement or note because we want to be deserving of love. What I was reminded of this morning is that I don’t.

I am loved simply because I exist.

I don’t have to be or have or do anything. I am loved because I am here.

I felt the thin veil that was restricting me fall away as those words washed over me. I am loved because I exist. I am love. I love me.

If you’ve ever allowed self-doubt to crowd your mind or make you feel uncertain or confused, tell yourself that you are not your thoughts. Be like a mindful gardener and pull out those thoughts that cause harm.

I was reminded this morning that my only real job is to be the presence of love. But that has to start with me –- with self-love -- with totally accepting myself and every aspect of who I am.

Have you ever felt self-doubt?

How has it affected you?

Share your story below. I’d love to read it.

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Finding My Heart in the Ancient City of Fes

The alleys of the old medina

Last week my daughter Ayu and I were in Morocco. After nearly missing our plane, we arrived in the city of Fes. Founded in 789, Fes is now the third largest Moroccan city. Our hotel was in the old medina, which I soon learned, is the old walled city. The Medina – known as Fes el Bali- is a UNESCO world heritage site and supposedly one of the oldest car-free urban areas in the world.

Our first official day in Fes involved a tour through this ancient walled city.

Through our eyes it looked like a confusing mass of semi-dark alleys, as along each one are tall houses and shops. The medina is divided into sections and each area has a specialty: shoes, copper and blacksmithing, leather, jewelry, etc. Both Ayu and I immediately felt disoriented.

It was like being in a giant rabbit warren for people.

Adding to the disorientation was our guide. He was tall and knowledgeable, unmistakably a scholar and native who cherished his city and all the ancient ways. But as we meandered around, I began feeling tense. He was clearly opinionated and saw the Arab people and Islam as far superior than all others.

Now I have no problem with people of different faiths. I have travelled extensively throughout the world but his viewpoints, bordering as they were on fanaticism and superiority, made me uncomfortable.

But what could I do?

Ayu following our robed guide 

If I attempted to counter him, he could anger and then what? We had no idea where we were or how to return to our hotel without him. As I struggled to decide what to do I asked myself this question:

“Shakti, what is it for you to do in this moment?”

The answer I received was this: ”Be the presence of love.”

Okay, I could do that.

I breathed in my surroundings, decided to subdue my apprehension and open up to the experience.

As we walked around the medina, we visited various artisans. We wandered into a shop specializing in woodcarving and in salvaging old doors and moldings. Then we entered the tannery area where we learned that the workers made and dyed leather the same way they had for centuries.

Tanneries

We walked into a building and up three flights of stairs to view the tannery from above. From our expansive vantage point we saw men cleaning then stripping the leather from the skins and dying hides in various natural colors. Fortunately because the weather was slightly cold, it quelled the stench.

We descended and turned into another alley, heading toward the rug dealers where we learned the difference between traditional Berber weaves, Arab designs and Jewish ones. Later we saw a woman embroidering tablecloths in the ancient reversible style and a family weaving on traditional looms.

And then we went into the apothecary.

As Ayu and I sat down, the owner, Khalid, came over to greet us. He walked with a slight limp. His smile was genuine and his eyes kind. He began showing us some of the traditional herbs and medicines he had such as eucalyptus crystals and seeds from the nigella plant used for sinus and allergies.

Khalid's Shop

He had just let us smell authentic Argan oil when his son came over. “Pardon,” he said looking at us. “I need to consult with my father.” We shook our heads in acquiescence and the two men huddled together. Then Khalid turned to us. “Excuse me please. One minute.”

We watched as Khalid walked over to the two men his son had been serving. One was a red headed foreigner. Khalid addressed him in English. “Are you in pain?” he inquired.

The man nodded his head. Khalid asked him to open his mouth and I internally recoiled. The man had missing teeth and clearly needed a visit to the dentist. I guessed one of his teeth was rotting or was abscessed. Khalid got busy making a potion for him, pulling down jars and mixing things in a glass beaker. Then he coated a cotton ball with his concoction and inserted it into the man’s mouth.

Witnessing this, I instantly knew Khalid was a genuine healer.

He’d stopped a “potential sale” with us to serve this man in pain. When he returned I asked him to help us with an eczema remedy for my other daughter. After questioning us about her constitution and life style, he got busy mixing liquids and then bottled them for us with instructions for application.

We went on to buy a few more oils and herbs. I was deeply touched by the experience of being in this mans’ shop. I’m fascinated with traditional remedies and fantasized how interesting and insightful it would be to learn from someone like him.

As we were saying goodbye, I turned to Khalid. “I can see that you are a true healer and I think you have helped many people.” As my words came out, Khalid looked at the ground shyly.

But then as we stepped back into the alley he said to Ayu, “you are a lucky girl to have such a mother.” I was slightly startled and looked at him. He met my gaze, smiled and held open his arms. I walked over to him and we embraced.

As we did, I could feel tears sting my eyes. I turned away in gratitude, my heart opened.

Then our tour guide looked at me and said, “You must be Italian.” It seemed like a non sequitur but I replied “Yes. My grandmother was half Italian and had a great influence on me.”

“I could tell,” he continued and smiled. And like that, he suddenly warmed to us and began chatting away as if we were old friends.

Later when Ayu and I were processing our day, she told me she was as perplexed as I was by our guide but then said, "I think the whole purpose of today was to meet Khalid.” Instantly I knew she was right and my heart smiled. I had done what I’d set out to do that morning, embrace the day openheartedly and it changed everything.

Have you ever had an experience like this?

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What’s Motivating You?

It’s still January and not too late to start those resolutions. So…

How do I get motivated?

Motivation or why we do things is super interesting to me.

I’ve spent a lot of time and energy researching it because I’ve wanted to inspire and motivate – in the classroom, with my clients and with myself.

Recently I was watching Tony Robbins do a Ted Talk. In it, he identified 6 key factors that motivate human behavior.

They are: certainty, uncertainty (or variety), significance, love/connection, growth and contribution.

His 6 characteristics allow us to dig a little deeper into motivation and get into the why behind it.

If we can identify the why, we can better understand our needs, our thoughts, emotions and ultimately our behavior.

So, let’s walk through these.

Certainty

People who are motivated by certainty crave safety and security. They prefer routine and want life to be predictable and ordered. They’re uncomfortable with change or stretching out of their comfort zones. Is that you?

Uncertainty/Variety

Those who like uncertainty or variety need change, and stimulation. They are easily bored, crave new-ness, and adventure. If you are one of these people, it’s hard to sit at a desk all day doing the same thing. Perhaps these folks find work as tour operators, are self-employed or are entrepreneurs specializing in startups.

Significance

For those seeking significance, they strive to be accomplished, knowledgeable, and worthy of respect. Many people crave to feel important, or relevant and play it out in a myriad of ways. They become an expert in a field, enjoy being the life of the party or crave to be in charge – the boss.

Love/Connection

Love and connection satisfy the need for belonging.  As humans, we all want to be loved and feel connected to others. If love and connection are your primary motivators, you seek out a partner, friendships, to be part of a community- at work, socially or perhaps in a church or temple setting.

Both growth and contribution are ways that we self-actualize.

Tony Robbins says that the previous four (certainty, uncertainty, significance and love/connection) are all on the level of personality. Where as these two, growth and contribution, are on the level of the soul.

Growth

Each of us craves growth. It's the natural order of life to grow, learn and evolve. If you’re primarily motivated by growth think of what you fill your life with – books, online courses, goal setting, seeking out teachers and mentors. Perhaps even travel.

Contribution

Lastly, contribution is the ultimate aspect of self-actualization. Stepping out of ourselves and helping others is the most rewarding endeavor. Taking care of another human being, fills us with happiness, peace and love. Recognizing that there is more to do than taking care of me helps me remember that, in truth, we are all one. I can help others and make the world a better place – for that person and for myself.

When we explore why we do things, why we make certain decisions, we can trace them back to our motivation. It’s as if our motivation is calling the shots – giving us the feelings and the words to take action.

Am I calling this person because I want to feel significant or am I doing it because I want to be connected? Maybe I’m trying to contribute?

Am I moving back in with my parents because I need to feel secure or is it so I can grow by going back to school?

When we uncover what those underlying motivations are, it can help us more easily accomplish our goals and objectives.

Sometimes we don’t want to do things and the best way to get unstuck is to understand what’s behind it, what’s motivating you.

So here’s an example. When I found myself at 22 living in Hong Kong, working at a job where I felt neither significant nor connected, but had a constant routine that made me feel like a slave to my desk, I realized I had to make a change. And the things that stood out to me at that time were:

1.     Variety

I needed a job where I didn’t have to do the same thing all day long. I needed to move around and do different tasks.

2.     Connection

There I was living in a foreign country and I knew next to nothing about Chinese culture and had hardly any friends. I yearned to feel plugged in.

3.     Contribution

I wanted to make a difference. To have a job that could help others.

So, what happened?

I became a teacher and it met all of those requirements!

In delving in to our motivations, we can better understand ourselves and move in the directions that feel most fulfilling and rewarding to us. Give it a try!

What’s motivating you?

Let me know by leaving me a comment below.

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Are Your Beliefs Holding You Back?

Since it’s the middle of January I’ve still got resolutions on my mind. Last week I wrote about turning those resolutions into goals and then taking action by identifying the: what, why, how and when. If you need help with that, download my FREE Goals and Action Step worksheets HERE

But if you’ve already done that and are still struggling to get going, it may be time to dig a little deeper and uncover any negative beliefs that might be getting in your way.

What is a belief?

Stated simply, a belief is an idea or concept that we believe is true about ourselves, others or the world at large.

The first time I heard that definition, I was at a weekend workshop about money and wealth lead by Harv Eker and a light bulb went on. I suddenly realized my beliefs weren’t set in stone. They were just ideas I had decided were true for me. Instantly I got that I was in control AND could change them! It was exciting, thrilling and aweing.

If you’re like I was before I attended that workshop, you probably haven’t spent a lot of time thinking about your beliefs. But here’s the thing, what we believe is dictating how we feel, what we think and how we show up in our lives.

So it’s time to dig in and figure yours out.

How are your beliefs hindering you?

• Is the Universe benevolent or dangerous?

• Do you deserve success?

• Are you loveable?

Your answers to these 3 basic questions can help you identify some core beliefs that may be keeping you stuck.

For example, I used to think that the world was an unsafe place. This belief was developed over years, starting from when I was a young girl. My sister and I went to boarding school the year I turned 8 (and she 7). I had to take care of her. I was scared all the time. Every weekend we traveled from a small town in Connecticut to Manhattan. I constantly felt afraid and alone.

My belief that the world is an unsafe place arose as a response to what I was experiencing.

I decided that I had to be vigilant because no one would be there for me, that there was danger everywhere. These beliefs got solidified over the years every time I was unsupported or rejected.

Since I took that money workshop, I’ve come to see how this basic core belief has severely hindered my ability to trust, take risks, make deep connections, and instead propelled me to hide or check out using food, drugs or alcohol.

Changing Your Beliefs

So, I decided to shift my belief. I wanted to have hope and not fear, feel supported not threatened, be accepted not rejected.

I worked on this using self-reflection and awareness. When I noticed that my body felt anxious or my mind was tense or nervous, I calmed myself with breathing, meditation and positive self talk using affirmations such as: “I am safe in the Universe and all life loves and supports me.”

I also talked about what I was experiencing and feeling with a life coach. I wanted to understand where this belief came from and actively pull it out by its emotional roots. When that process was completed, I had to replace it with a new belief.

If you’re ready to dig in, start by answering those 3 Core Questions from above:

• Is the Universe benevolent or dangerous?

• Do you deserve success?

• Are you loveable?

If you answered any of these in the negative, take a closer look.

Why is it that way?

What happened in your past that lead to this belief?

Are you ready to let those old stories about who you were go?

What can you tell yourself instead?

The process of delving into this might seem scary but it will change your life. The only thing limiting you is you and that starts with your beliefs. So jump in, have fun and reach out if you need any help!

Let me know how it goes by leaving me a comment below or sending me an email.

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Nail Your New Year’s Resolutions In 4 Easy Steps

On some level, I think all of us dread one thing about the New Year… resolutions. What we think are lofty or even good for us can soon feel obligatory and for some, even oppressive.

This is why I’ve taken a new attitude on the resolution. We all know that after a few glasses of champagne on December 31st, it’s easy to make loads of promises we may or may not keep, right? So here’s my idea:

Turn those resolutions into goals and create action steps using this 4-Step Process.

Step 1.    Choose a few resolutions/goals that you really want.

I’ll use an example that many Americans decided on New Year’s Eve - to lose weight.

The first thing I’m going to do, though, is qualify it. What does lose weight mean to me? Do I want to lose 10 pounds or 100 pounds?

Look at your resolution. If it’s too general, make it more specific. I’m going to turn – to lose weight – into:

My Resolution/Goal is: To lose 20 pounds

Step 2.    Why did you choose this resolution/goal? Examine your motivation, reason or rationale.

For Step 2, I need to decide on my why. Why weight? Why 20 pounds?

Ask yourself why you want to make this change in your life. The truth is that if we don’t have a good reason, we aren’t going to do it. So dig in, find out what your motivation is!

My answer is because I feel unhealthy.
I can’t fit into my clothes and I’m tired all the time.
I want to both feel good and look good!

Step 3.     Implementation – Now that you’re clear about the what (resolution/goal) and the why, the next piece to answer is the how.

a.     How are you going to achieve this goal?

b.     What specific actions will you take?

c.      Do you need to enlist anyone’s help?

Step 3 is critical because this is what needs to occur in order for you to get results. These are the actual steps you will want to take in order to achieve the goal. So in my example, I have to figure out what I’m going to do to really lose 20 pounds. Here are some of my ideas:

Stop drinking sugar drinks (like soda)

Cut out junk food – no fast food, chips or donuts

Walk after dinner with my partner (here I’m enlisting help)

Drink more water

Step 4.     Create a timeline – Chunk out your action steps and put dates to them.

The last step is putting it all in motion because it won’t get done if we don’t plan and make time for it, right? Think about your entire year and the benchmarks you want to see over that time. It can be monthly or quarterly. Then think about each and every week, every day and what’s going to happen.

For my resolution, I have a year to lose 20 pounds and I want to do it slowly so I will keep it off.

For Step 4, I have to put my ideas from Step 3 into a timeline.

Weekly:

Starting today, I will stop drinking soda but allow myself one a week.

I will pack lunch instead of buying it except on Fridays when I'll treat myself to lunch out (but not fast food)

Walk after dinner at least 3 times a week – on Mondays, Wednesdays and Thursdays

Everyday, I will drink 8 glasses of water

This week I will buy a water bottle I love and carry it everywhere 

Over the Year (Quarterly):

By March 1, I will have lost 5 pounds or I'll start walking 5 times a week

By June 1, I will have lost 10 pounds or I'll stop drinking soda altogether

By September 1, I will have lost 15 pounds or I'll pack my lunch everyday

After school or work today, sit down with those resolutions. Choose the ones that really matter and then walk them through this 4-Step process. What can you start doing this week to make your life better? Change is doable but we need a plan and a timeline. Once you design action steps that work for you, you’ll be amazed at the results! So, grab a paper and pen or sit down in front of your iPad and have fun!

Let me know how it goes. Leave me a comment below.

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Time to Manifest! Make A 2015 Vision Board

For the past several years, our family has had a New Year’s tradition. We decided to make our own because -here's my confession- I always hated New Year’s Eve. From the time I was a teenager, my sister and I would look at each other mystified. All everyone seemed to do was get drunk and then watch a stupid ball drop. What was the big deal?

So a few years ago, we modified our evening to make it work for us. As a family, we enjoy a celebratory meal, something special, because it is a holiday after all. We even have a bottle of champagne or Prosecco along with sparkling apple cider, (known in our house as kids champagne.) After our leisurely meal, we all gather in the living room and get to work making… vision boards.

What is a Vision Board?

It is a pictorial representation of your year, what you would like to manifest or be inspired by in the upcoming year.

We buy poster board, and canvas panels, glue, sparkly markers, have lots of magazines and scissors and start cutting out images, words, and phrases that speak to each of us.

Often before I start, I spend some time making a list of goals and intentions I’d like to manifest for my year. I think about every aspect of my life from my career, to my health, finances, family, spirituality and, importantly, fun!

Then I tease out each idea. For example, if I want to be more successful in my career, I try to specify what that means. I qualify it by stating a certain amount of money or a specific number of transactions, appointments, sales or closings.

With these clear ideas in mind, I get to work digging for words, and pictures that will best remind and inspire me. Maybe for my above goal, I’ll put the phrase “cash in the bank” as a reminder or find a photo of someone shaking another person’s hand to represent a sale. Perhaps I really want to see humpback whales this year on vacation, so I’ll look for a picture of them to add to my board.

Other than that, the look, design and outcome are all up to you and your creativity!

It’s an opportunity to both have fun with your family and work toward manifesting your dreams in 2015.

If you’re in Vero Beach, join us on Saturday, January 3rd as we’ll be making vision boards together! Click here for more information. Otherwise, here’s what you’ll need:

Supplies for Vision Boards:

•  Poster Board or Canvas Panels (These are canvas-coated cardboard and can be found at Michael’s)

• Rubber Cement – This is the best glue even though it’s smelly, because it dries flat

• Magazines -  A wide variety is best

• Photographs – Take some time before New Year’s Eve to print any photos you’ll want to add

• Scissors – One for each person is ideal

• Anything Else Fun – Markers, stickers, glitter, ribbon, stencil lettering, craft paper...

This is a great activity with people of all ages. Kids especially enjoy it and are incredibly creative.

When you’re done, post your boards below so I can see them!

Happy 2015!

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What’s Your One Word for 2015?

Last year, right after 2014 had just begun, I was listening to Dr. Robert Holden on Hay House radio. He shared an idea he’d been doing for awhile of choosing one word for his new year. Then he would meditate on it, delve into it, and explore it for the next 365 days.

Inspired, I decided to do the same, choose one word for the year.

My word for 2014 has been trust.

Over the past twelve months, I’ve allowed myself to simply be with this word and see what happens. At one point, around March, I had a serious crisis with trust. I became super afraid of the future, and about what might happen. That experience invited me to go deeper with trust and prompted me to create a visual representation to both remind and inspire me to open up more to trust.

As part of my pictorial representation, I have a few quotes from Rumi. Here’s one of them:                                  Knock, and He’ll open the door.
Vanish, and He’ll make you shine like the sun.
Fall, and He’ll raise you to the heavens.
Become nothing and He’ll turn you into everything.

When I see this, it helps remind me to let go and… trust.

2014 is coming to a close and as I reflect on my relationship with trust, I am pleasantly surprised to realize that I’ve embraced trust at a deeper level than ever AND am experiencing it in a new way.

In fact, I don’t even think about trust (or lack of it) in the same way. The constant uncertainty or questioning I always had before has slowly fallen away. Now trust is a given, it just exists. It’s my divine right. I know the outcome is assured and I trust that my life will unfold in the right and perfect way.

But over the past 12 months that wasn’t always the case. I’ve felt insecure and scared, uncertain and fearful.

To me, trusting in life is trusting in the unknown. Often when I have those hiccups of faith, those moments of anxiety or lack in trust, they occur right before some kind of transition or change. Maybe it’s me moving into doing something new, taking a risk or challenging myself. Each time, it’s like I have to jump into the void. I see myself standing on a cliff having to leap off into the unknown. So of course my visual representation depicts a cliff with the word trust spanning it.

Over a decade ago, I had an astrologer tell me that I was so taken care of, I could relax back into the hammock of God’s love, that this energetic web would completely support me no matter what. Of course at the time, there was NO WAY I was doing that-- relaxing, trusting. The world was too unsafe and uncertain.

I couldn’t trust any living person, how could I trust something I couldn’t even see?

Yet it was almost like my astrologer planted a seed, a reminder of what was there for me. Over the years, I’ve allowed myself to try it out, to lie back into that energetic hammock and feel supported.

Fifteen or so years later, I’m capable of doing this more and more, especially after this year, my year of exploring trust. And you guessed it. I can look at my picture of trust, hanging over my desk, and see the golden hammock.

Today I do feel that trust. I know that I am being held and supported, that only good lies before me, that I am loved and guided. My only job is to show up, be present and loving.

Now I have to choose a word for 2015.

I have so enjoyed my exploration into trust. It has opened up a new way of being for me and I can honestly say that trust is a permanent part of me. I carry it with me always, like I own it.

Since I more fully understand the power of choosing a word and its significance in my life, I have to find THE word for 2015. Simultaneously, I know I don’t really have to go in search of it, because just as trust showed up loud and clear as my word for 2014, I know the right and perfect word will appear any day now.

This new word will invite me to contemplate it for the upcoming year with thoughtfulness, intention and insight. And I’m looking forward to it!

Do you know what your word for 2015 is?

If so, share it with me! If not, sit with this idea and ask, “What’s my word for 2015?” Invite your word to come to you. How will you then spend your year exploring and delving into it?  

Let me know, I'm all ears! Leave me a note below.

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What the Homeless Taught Me About Caring 10 Ways to Pay It Forward

When I was a little girl growing up in New York City, it was pretty common to see people living on the streets. In the 1970s, many were heroin addicts, or at least that’s what my mom told me. But in the 1980s, the number skyrocketed, due in large part to the closing of mental hospitals, lack of affordable housing and the recession. We walked over people everywhere, many of whom were permanently camped out in the Port Authority and Grand Central Station.

Noticing people lying on the street stressed me out because I didn’t know what to do.

I watched as my mom, dressed in her suit, trench coat and heels systematically ignored everyone from panhandlers to women hallucinating in the public bathrooms. My father acted the same. So, thinking that’s what I was supposed to do, I followed their lead and pretended that I didn’t see people suffering everywhere. The only problem was, I did.

A few years later, I was walking down the street with my stepbrother, who at the time, was in his early 20s. We were on 9th Avenue near Midtown when a man who appeared to be homeless approached us. His clothing was disheveled and his beard scraggly. My stepbrother, instead of ignoring him, struck up a conversation and ended up giving the guy a couple cigarettes. I stood there stunned. Here was a different way to act. I wasn’t sure I could be as nonchalant and chill as my stepbrother, but I was determined to do something even though I felt shy and awkward.

It took me awhile to find my way.

Life sent me across the world and back where I saw a new kind of poverty in developing countries. But it wasn’t until the late 1990s, living in Los Angeles, when I finally got clarity. I went to hear a woman, I’ll call her Ma, speak one night and she said, “There are no throw away people.” Those words suddenly helped me understand what I’d felt all those years ago.

How can we ignore suffering?

How can we turn a blind eye and pretend we don’t see it? Maybe some people can, but I couldn’t. I was so relieved to hear her emphatically state that there were no disposable people; that every life mattered.

I’m not advocating we all become social workers or rush out and get jobs at not-for-profit organizations. But I will suggest, especially during this time of giving, that we be mindful of those who are less fortunate. How can we help another person in need?

Here are a Few Quick and Easy Ideas:

1.     Give the person cleaning the street or mall some cash - $5, $20- whatever works for your budget

2.     Smile at a stranger

3.     Hand a homeless person a sandwich

4.     Call your friend – you know she’s having a hard time – and be there for her

5.     Donate a toy

6.     Leave your waiter an extra large tip

7.     Clean out your closet and give the clothing to a local shelter or Goodwill

8.     Pay for the person behind you- at the tollbooth, subway, Starbucks or local veggie stand

9.     Volunteer – at a local food pantry, shelter or park

10. Send a prayer

Try one or ten from the above list and see how it feels. Once I realized that we are all the same, part of one human family, it changed both how I see people and how I interact with them. And instead of feeling scared and awkward, I feel loving and happy. Let me know how it goes!

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3 Strategies for Negotiating Divorce, Children & the Holidays with Compassion

The holidays, for all that we look forward to them, can also bring out stress, tension and emotional tests. And when we add divorce into the mix, things can get even more challenging.

My parents split up when I was a young girl and although I looked forward to presents and special holiday treats, underneath that excitement was always a layer of sadness. Because I knew that one of my parents would be spending the holidays alone.

That knowledge made my heart hurt.

These days I observe my own children navigating a similar landscape. I watch as they jockey between houses and allegiances. It seems even more complicated than when I was little. Do my girls spend time with my created family, their stepsister and our extended relatives or go to their Dad’s and be with their half brothers and stepmom?

My solution has always been to attempt to bring everyone together.

It worked for me growing up. My father started coming to my mother’s house, bringing my nana and aunt, around the time I entered high school. I was secretly relieved because it meant that no one was alone.

Now that I’m the parent, I’ve tried to remedy our holiday situation by offering to do the same thing, have everyone come to my house. But maybe that isn’t the right solution because something different may stress my kids out. Perhaps they feel pulled by other dilemmas such as wanting to be in two places simultaneously?

So here’s what I’ve come up with:

1.     Listen to the Kids

Growing up, I never had any say in where I spent my holidays. My parents made all the decisions and I went along. Truthfully, I never questioned it. That’s just how it was.

But what if I’d been asked? Would that have helped? This idea hit me over the head like a ton of bricks the other day, a big a-ha. What do my kids want? Why don’t I ask them? Giving children say helps them feel less like victims and invites them into the discussion. Of course it also depends on how old they are but even elementary school aged children can be surprisingly astute.

Divorce is hard to navigate for everyone, not just the parents but the kids too. After all, they’re the ones that get shuttled back and forth. So ask them how they want to spend the holidays. They might have the perfect answer!

2.     Lay It Down

Obviously we all got divorced for reasons. During holiday times, it’s easy for some ill will to flair up. Decide, for the sake of the season and the kids, if it’s possible to lay those feelings aside. Just for now, to make things work harmoniously for the children. Think about it, not as giving those feelings up, but as putting them aside for the moment.

3.     Remember the Goal

Holidays are supposed to be a time of gratitude and love, about giving and receiving. If we can orient ourselves back to this place, it can help us better see how to navigate the situation.

The goal is to recognize and honor each person involved and create plans that are in everyone’s highest and best good. Maybe that sounds lofty but it’s also do-able when we can do two things: Be willing to talk about a workable schedule and possibly compromise. That’s when we have to remember the goal. It may mean releasing some control and finding common ground. But in the end, it will be worth it when the holiday is peaceful, enjoyable and stress-free.

We all want the holidays to be special. We strive to create quality time together that’s fun and joyful. By inviting participation in establishing a schedule that best honors each person’s needs and wishes, gives everyone the opportunity to work together. And that feels so much better than having no say. 

How do holidays work in your family? Leave a comment below!

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The ONE Question to Ask when Starting or Changing Careers

I studied Art History in college. It was January of my sophomore year and I had to choose a major. Up to that point, I hadn’t really liked or more accurately, felt genuinely interested in anything. There’d been the sociology and psychology lectures, the African history symposium, French, Classic literature and a number of political science classes.

Nothing had really sparked my curiosity until I’d signed up for a class on Cubism the previous semester.

It was a small group, maybe ten or twelve students sitting around a large table. We delved into the roots of Cubism, the birth of modern art, looking through a historical lens, a painting lens and discovering how the writers, thinkers and visual artists all influenced one another. I was rapt. I felt alive. This was fascinating.

But soon a new anxiety arose. What was I going to do with an Art History major?

Over the next two years, I threw myself into art and even lived in Florence, Italy for six months, visiting many of the buildings, paintings and sculptures I’d only viewed as slides. But in the back of my head was this nagging feeling.

Something was amiss.

As I paid more attention to that voice, I realized that I felt distinctly torn. On the one hand, I loved art. I loved how it represented humanity, our struggles and our history. I loved how it reflected society or asked us to think more deeply about our beliefs and assumptions.

On the other hand, I felt compelled to be useful, to do something “needed.”

Art is needed but in my 20 year-old mind, it felt like a secondary need and I was being drawn to fill a primary one, like protecting the environment, working for Oxfam or at a homeless shelter.

Even after all that internal strife, I was nowhere near choosing a job when I was close to graduating from college. I dreaded the “What are your career plans? What do you want to do (for the rest of your life)?” questions and purposefully avoided my parents’ friends and anyone I thought might ask me those.

Just thinking about graduating and having to answer them stressed me out.

I honestly had no idea. I didn’t really know what I loved, was passionate about or even liked. I did like art but my interest in it had begun to wane. All I knew was that I felt the need to be helpful. I’d read that quotation about being part of the solution and I wanted to be that but didn’t know what form it would take.

Life kept moving and I stumbled along, eventually finding my way. It took about two years of trying different jobs but I did end up being useful – I became a teacher.

Turned out, I really liked it.

When people asked me how that happened, how I chose teaching, I’d often say that I fell into it. Because back in college if you’d predicted my future and told me I was going to be a teacher, I would have laughed in your face and adamantly denied it. I hated public speaking and teaching definitely wasn’t cool.

Since beginning teaching over two decades ago, I’ve also worked as an educational consultant, a public relations writer, founded a school (and done the thousands of jobs associated with that) and more recently, become a writer, life coach and psychotherapist.

I wish that, back when I was 20, I’d known to reframe the stressful career question.

The daunting, overwhelming question, “What do you want to do (for the rest of your life)?”

The reframe not only makes it do-able to answer, it’s also a lot more accurate especially in today’s world.  

Because here’s the truth. That question: “What do you want to do (for the rest of your life)?” is no longer applicable. Just as college students overwhelmingly change majors, most of us will have multiple jobs too. I certainly have. So, the revised question to ask is this:

What do you want to do for the next THREE years?

Doesn’t that feel so much better? Isn’t it more manageable and actually kind of exhilarating?

If you find yourself in this predicament because your impending graduation is hanging like a black cloud over you or you’re simply ready for a new opportunity, a change from your existing job, ask yourself this question. Allow yourself to really delve into it.

What would be exciting to do for the next three years?

What is your heart yearning for?

What skills would be thrilling to acquire?

Where do you feel life is leading you?

Tap into that internal knowing and unlock the answer. Then, let me know what is says!

Leave me a comment below.

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