Forgiveness and the Enneagram
If you’re ready to deepen your work with the enneagram and/or with the idea of forgiveness, keep reading!
The lens of the enneagram is a powerful tool to support us in forgiving ourselves. Why do we want to do this? Because, as Louise Hay reminds us, we forgive and we set ourselves free.
If you’re not familiar with the Enneagram, it is a comprehensive system to help identify your personality and default responses to life. There a 9 different personality types or world views, numbered 1-9.
When we’re in alignment with the truth of who we are, we’re able to access all 9 points of the enneagram, using various responses to stimuli, as appropriate. However, all of us have a default number, a fallback position if you like, that’s activated when we experience fear.
If you’re ready to deepen your work with the enneagram and/or with the idea of forgiveness, keep reading!
The lens of the enneagram is a powerful tool to support us in forgiving ourselves. Why do we want to do this? Because, as Louise Hay reminds us, we forgive and we set ourselves free.
If you’re not familiar with the Enneagram, it is a comprehensive system to help identify your personality and default responses to life. There a 9 different personality types or world views, numbered 1-9.
When we’re in alignment with the truth of who we are, we’re able to access all 9 points of the enneagram, using various responses to stimuli, as appropriate. However, all of us have a default number, a fallback position if you like, that’s activated when we experience fear.
This default setting (number) is your typical way of operating in the world or the set of behaviors you took on when you were young as a response to the messages you received from family, society and culture. In other words, how you needed to act to get your needs met.
I find the Enneagram incredibly helpful in understanding myself, and discerning when I’m showing up aligned with truth and my divine self, or out of duty, obligation, shoulds, or feeling small and insecure.
Learn more about the Enneagram here.
Once you know your Enneagram number, use the information below to hone in on your core self-forgiveness challenge. This information is based on work by Dr Robert Holden.
Enneagram & Self Forgiveness
Point 1: Forgive yourself for the thought that you have done something wrong or are wrong. For in the mind of the Divine, you are made perfectly.
Point 2: Forgive yourself for believing that you are separate from God and from all of consciousness. Whenever you feel alone, forgive yourself for experiencing separation.
Point 3: Forgive yourself for believing that you are unworthy, (unworthy of love, acceptance, success, healing…).
Point 4: Forgive yourself for believing the story of abandonment; that you have been displaced, are in exile, or cast out.
Point 5: Forgive yourself for being blind to the truth of who you are and what the world is. Forgive yourself for believing your illusions and misperceptions of yourself, of God and of others.
Point 6: Forgive yourself for detouring into fear where perception gets distorted.
Point 7: Forgive yourself for thinking you have to take a journey to find what you are looking for: happiness, love, belonging, etc.
Point 8: Forgive yourself for any way you experience yourself as being weak or having weaknesses.
Point 9: Forgive yourself for forgetting who you are: the holy child of the Divine.
If you know your loved ones Enneagram numbers, you can support them in this healing work, too.
Have fun with this!
Use it as an inquiry to dive into ways you have blocked yourself from deeper healing and from receiving more love, connection, peace and joy.
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Forgive & Set Yourself Free: 3 Steps
Have you seen this movie The Mauritanian? It’s based on a true story about a Guantanamo Bay detainee. At one point, he explains that in his native language, Arabic, the word for freedom is the same as the word for forgiveness.*
I was struck by this. Because day after day, year after year, these words echo in my mind, “forgive and set yourself free.”
I first heard them from Louise Hay, and as I began to do forgiveness work, I found that it was true!
Forgiveness does have an incredibly liberating quality. Quite the opposite effect of what we think we will experience.
Have you seen the movie The Mauritanian? It’s based on a true story about a Guantanamo Bay detainee. At one point, he explains that in his native language, Arabic, the word for freedom is the same as the word for forgiveness.*
I was struck by this. Because day after day, year after year, these words echo in my mind, “forgive and set yourself free.”
I first heard them from Louise Hay, and as I began to do forgiveness work, I found that it was true! Forgiveness does have an incredibly liberating quality, quite the opposite effect of what we think we will experience.
We think the other person who has wronged us needs to be punished, and if we forgive them, they are off the hook. In truth, we are the ones being punished every day by holding onto our grievances. And as we release them, we free ourselves.
As a student of A Course in Miracles, this message is re-enforced since one of the major themes in the book teaches that forgiveness is our function – and leads to peace, happiness and a return to abiding love.
So then, how do we go about forgiving?
There really is a 3-Part Process.
Step 1
Identify what you are feeling- hurt, wronged, slighted, angry, betrayed… Allow yourself to really feel your feelings whatever they are.
Step 2
Once you have allowed yourself to grieve, ask yourself this:
Am I willing to forgive?
If the answer is yes, keep going.
If the answer is no, ask yourself: What would it take for me to be willing to forgive?
When you are willing, ask yourself:
Can I see this situation in another way?
Please help me.
Allow yourself to be in this space. It might take a minute, it might take several months. Ultimately, this step requires a relinquishment of control.
In the 12-Step program, this is step 2, when “we come to believe that a Power greater than ourselves can restore us to sanity.” But we have to be willing to let go.
Step 3
Ask God, the Universe, Source, higher power, whatever phrase works for you, to help you heal. To release you of this burden. To take away your pain.
The experience always has a similar trajectory.
Bodily, I feel my upset as a tightness, a constriction, and a constant mind loop of misery. I am stuck and this feeling will never go away.
However, if I am willing to let it go and fully release it, the feeling does get transformed!
And then I find myself back in the lap of love, feeling free and expansive once again.
That is the miracle.
So why not give it a try?
Choose someone who has grieved you and walk yourself through the steps to freedom.
Let me know how it goes!
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*If you speak Arabic and this is not the case, please help me to clarify and be more precise.
Image by Mohamed Chermiti from Pixabay.
Set Yourself Free: 2 Great Tools To Forgive
There are a lot of misconceptions about forgiveness.
People often think if they forgive, then it excuses behavior or absolves someone. But that isn’t true. Forgiveness is not the same as forgetting
When I hold on to resentment, anger or a grievance, who is suffering? I am. Because I feel it. Maybe the person with whom I have a conflict isn’t even aware of how I feel. Perhaps s/he doesn’t even know they’ve slighted me.
Forgiveness is an act of generosity. You are willing to let go of a wrong, release a past hurt, release an unmet expectation.
Holding on to a grievance keeps us stuck in the past and feeling like a victim. Instead, if we come from a place of love, forgiveness can set us free, allows us to live in the present and opens us up to joy.
There are a lot of misconceptions about forgiveness.
People often think if they forgive, then it excuses behavior or absolves someone. But that isn’t true. Forgiveness is not the same as forgetting
When I hold on to resentment, anger or a grievance, who suffers? I do. I feel it. Maybe the person with whom I have a conflict isn’t even aware of how I feel. Perhaps they don’t even know they’ve slighted me.
Forgiveness is an act of generosity. It is the willingness to let go of a wrong, release a past hurt or an unmet expectation.
Holding on to a grievance keeps us stuck in the past and feeling like a victim. Instead, if we come from a place of love, forgiveness can set us free, allow us to live in the present and open up to joy.
When we're on a spiritual path, we choose to lead from the heart and not the head.
We want to be loving, kind, generous and magnanimous. If we hold anger, resentment or unresolved feelings, it prevents us from accessing that place of compassion and empathy.
On a soul level, we forgive because we know that duality doesn’t really exist. There is ultimately no separation between you and me.
We are all one. So as I forgive, I heal myself.
When you decide to come from a place of love, the next question is how.
Forgiveness.
If you’re ready, even willing to undertake this process, here are 2 great tools:
1. Ho’oponopono
This is a traditional Hawaiian process that has been translated as “to make right” and is often used in conflict resolution. The idea it is that we are making right with our life, our relatives – both past and present- and cleaning the karmic slate.
This technique is simple to do and requires that you walk through 4 basic steps.
- “I’m Sorry” – You can think about a person, situation or issue and seek repentance
- “Please Forgive Me” – The next step is to actively ask for forgiveness
- “Thank You” – In the third step, we recognize our gratitude for the situation and the learning opportunity
- “I Love You” – Lastly, we remember to return to love, to come back to the source of all and access that place
2. The Four Most Important Things
In 1994, Ira Byock, a hospice doctor, wrote a book about living that encourages forgiveness. Having been a hospice social worker myself, I immediately saw the importance, power and relevance of doing this work.
As Dr. Byock suggests, don’t wait until your loved one is at death’s door to say what you need to, do it now.
His list looks like this:
- Please Forgive Me
- I Forgive You
- I Love You
- Thank You
When I learned about his book, I was working at hospice and a few months later, my sister, who had metastasized breast cancer, was told by her oncologist that her liver was shutting down. I was now no different than the caregivers I’d been counseling and knew that I wanted to do forgiveness work with her.
In early June, I flew up to Washington DC determined to say these four statements.
I love you was easy. I did genuinely love my sister. We’d had our ups and downs as most siblings do, and despite her eccentricities, I really loved her.
Thank you was also effortless. I had tremendous gratitude for her, especially throughout our early years when we'd frequently moved- different schools, new friends. Throughout it all, Melissa was my constant companion.
Third, I asked her to forgive me. I hadn’t always been the kindest or most loving big sister. I’d lied to her, excluded her from playing with my friends, even bit her on the back once. I wanted her to know that I was sincerely apologetic for being mean.
But the last one – telling her that I forgave her- I could not say out loud.
I did, of course forgive her, because she'd also been a challenging sister, but the words wouldn’t come out. Each time I imagined saying “I forgive you,” they got caught in my throat as I heard her ask, “for what?”
A week later, I flew home, and back to school and work.
Walking into the hospice office, I went directly to my supervisor. “I’m trying to do the forgiveness work with my sister, Melissa. I asked for forgiveness, told her thank you and I love you but I couldn’t tell her, 'I forgive you'.”
My supervisor patted my hand. “You’ll know what to say.” She looked away and then back at me.
“Maybe you need to forgive her for being sick.”
I stared at her, stunned. I hadn’t even thought about forgiving Melissa for that. I wasn’t angry and didn’t blame her.
The next visit-which turned out to be the last- I was ready. I lay down next to her and said, “I just want you to know that I forgive you for getting sick.” The look of anguish in her eyes told me that my supervisor had been absolutely right.
Melissa had so much guilt about leaving me alone to deal with my parents’ old age and dying. Now she could go in peace.
Words have power.
Use these tools to help you resolve any ill will or past grievance you have with anyone. Set yourself free and live from a place of love and lasting happiness. Forgiveness is the key to true spiritual evolution. Unlock the door now.
Are you ready? Leave me a comment below!
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3 Simple Tools for Creating A Future YOU Want
Do you want to keep living the life you’ve always led or are you ready to shift into a new way and a new life?
Choosing to live your life’s purpose, requires you to undo much of what you’ve been taught. After all, you want to create a future different from the past.
So how do you do that?
Do you want to keep living the life you’ve always led or are you ready to shift into a new way and a new life?
Choosing to live your life’s purpose, requires you to undo much of what you’ve been taught. After all, you want to create a future different from the past.
So how do you do that?
1. Forgiveness
As A Course In Miracles tells us, forgiveness is our only true function. Forgiveness, however, is one of those things that sounds easy but can actually be hard.
A strategy that’s really helped me with this, is the recognition that the person I want to forgive - a former boss, parent, acquaintance - was actually doing his or her best in that moment.
Here’s an example.
My father was completely emotionally absent during my childhood. There were times when I hated him for that, for not paying attention, not seeming to care, not showing me that he loved me in a way I could understand (hugs, praise.)
In my early 20s, I decided I wanted to shift our relationship, from a child / adult one to an adult / adult one. But I quickly discovered that in order to do this, I had to accept him just as he was, imperfect, critical and sometimes really annoying.
As I let go of my disappointment that he wasn’t who I needed or wanted him to be, (a caring, positive presence in my life), I began to see that even if he’d wanted to, he just couldn’t. He wasn’t capable of it. He’d been so wounded by his family that he simply couldn’t show up any other way.
And then I saw that he was trying his best.
It may have been limited but it wasn’t personal or intentional. It was all he could do. At that moment, my heart opened for him and I was filled with compassion. Interestingly, once I completely accepted him, he was actually able to be there for me!
Who in your life are you ready to release?
Can you see him or her as having tried their best?
2. Limiting Beliefs
Bad things happened in your past and you suffered. People put you down, maybe you decided you were flawed, or couldn’t be successful.
Isn’t it time to shed all that old stuff?
What do you want to believe is true for you now?
Doesn’t it feel better to believe that you deserve happiness, success and love? It’s time for you to know that it’s true and own it!
3. Write a New Story
Just because something bad happened in your past, it doesn’t have to define you. We get to define ourselves.
Who do you want to be?
Do you want to be the daughter of an alcoholic who can’t get it together and continues to blame her terrible life on her mother? Or do you want to transcend your past by owning it, learning from it and moving beyond it?
Maybe you still are the daughter of an alcoholic. And? You are reliable, independent, hard working, successful, loving and perfect. Now you get to model healthy behavior for your family.
We are all co-creating our futures.
Why not make it exactly what you want? All it takes is awareness and the willingness to release the past so it no longer has a hold over you. Remember, you can change the future and it starts right now!
Share ONE thing you're ready to let go of today!
Write it below.
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A Simple Way to Move Into Forgiveness
According to A Course in Miracles, forgiveness is our only function.
Forgiveness sounds easy but can seem awfully difficult to actually do.
A great tool that has really helped me on my journey to forgiveness was one that I learned from Louise Hay.
Louise Hay shares many affirmations focused on and about forgiveness.
One of my personal favorites is when she talks about the willingness to forgive.
Sometimes we’re in a situation where the hurt, anger or upset seems too much to let go of and for whatever reason we aren’t ready to forgive. This is when willingness is a great bridge.
Willingness to forgive opens the door. We don’t have to walk through it yet, but it offers us another possibility.
Willingness allows us to expand and gives us the potential to move beyond the hurt- in our own time, when we are ready.
Willingness is an opportunity for something new to unfold.
According to A Course in Miracles, forgiveness is our only function.
Forgiveness sounds easy but can seem awfully difficult to actually do.
A great tool that has really helped me on my journey to forgiveness was one that I learned from Louise Hay.
Louise Hay shares many affirmations focused on and about forgiveness.
One of my personal favorites is when she talks about the willingness to forgive.
Sometimes we’re in a situation where the hurt, anger or upset seems too much to let go of and for whatever reason we aren’t ready to forgive. This is when willingness is a great bridge.
Willingness to forgive opens the door. We don’t have to walk through it yet, but it offers us another possibility.
Willingness allows us to expand and gives us the potential to move beyond the hurt- in our own time, when we're ready.
Willingness is an opportunity for something new to unfold.
Sometimes we can get attached to the pain. It just becomes familiar and we get ensnared in it without realizing it. Willingness offers a wedge and provides some space between us and the pain. Sometimes, that’s all we need, a little space to help us re-direct and refocus.
Willingness is a great first step in letting go of anger and upset.
Here’s the thing. The person with whom I’m upset has no idea. He can be walking around happy and carefree while I’m sitting in a place of misery - unhappy, angry and seething.
Who is really suffering? I want this other person to suffer, but the reality is that I’m the one in pain.
Forgiveness sets us free from this jail cell of negative thoughts and feelings.
The next time you find yourself face-to-face with anger about an injustice you’ve experienced and you aren’t quite ready to let it go, ask yourself. “Am I willing to forgive?” See if those five words can help open the door to a shift and enable you to begin the process of releasing yourself from the pain.