What My Anxiety Taught Me About Love

It’s never easy when you come up against your ego.

Or to be more specific, when your shadow behavior is pointed out to you by someone you love and trust.

Recently I had a conversation with my husband in which he shared that over the past year I’d demonstrated more controlling behavior.

He gave a few specific examples, some I agreed with and others I wanted to immediately reject.

My insides squirmed listening to him.

I just wanted him to stop, to go away and leave me alone.

Didn’t he understand anything?

It wasn’t that I was being more controlling it was that I was finally coming in to my own, doing what I wanted as opposed to what other people were telling me to do.

I felt hurt and rejected. Because that’s the only way an ego can feel.

My husband was infinitely kind, loving and soft when he spoke to me but what I heard was, “You’re a controllingbit** and I don’t want to be with you.”

My ego had been bruised. I felt raw, almost like a frightened little child.

After our conversation, I slowly began to unpack it, trying to make meaning of his words and my reactions.

I realized that my initial response to the conversation was defense. “No. You’re wrong. This is really all about you. You don’t want me to take my power because then you’ll feel threatened.”

Perhaps some of that was true.

In relationships, we always have to be sensitive to power issues between partners.

However, being in a loving relationship, I knew his intention wasn’t to hurt me.

As I began to work through his words and, more importantly, my response to his words, I began to entertain the notion that he could (maybe) be correct. So I asked myself: “What if he’s right? What could your behavior be showing you?”

I realized that I was acting more uptight and clinging to control as a response to moving in a new direction.

In other words, because there was more uncertainty in one aspect of my life (career) it was triggering my anxiety. And I was compensating by trying to control other areas of my life, ones I could actually be in control of (my home life).

When I got to this level of understanding, I was ready to talk about it again.

I shared my new insight with my husband. And he heard me – listening quietly - and responded with love and compassion.

Within that context, my behavior made sense.

It wasn’t really that I wanted (or want) to control him or anyone, it’s just an automatic default setting my ego falls into when I come up against anxiety.

Then my husband went one step further. Thinking out loud, he wondered if what was really being triggered by this uncertainty was my core issue: abandonment.

Lots of us struggle with abandonment issues.

My mom left my sister and me when I was four years old. Although we saw her frequently and went to live with her six years later, that time was filled with upheaval. We moved so often that I went to five different schools. In my young mind, I became convinced that somehow it was all my fault and that I was not lovable.

I initially turned to food and ate to fill that void, the emptiness of undeserving.

After I released that, I filled it with people, activities, and by never letting really anyone in because then they could hurt me. I spent years yearning for love but being too afraid to actually open up to it.

In a way, it’s actually a loss of faith.

It’s my forgetting that I am safe and that the Universe loves and supports me. Instead, I fall into a fear reaction that drives me to do everything because no one can be trusted.

Over time my behaviors have changed and by deepening my spiritual practice, I now trust in God, in other people and in the Universe. And I know that I am loveable and loved.

This internal relaxing has allowed me to open up to new possibilities, to stretch myself emotionally and let love in even more.

Yet those of us on this spiritual path know that we move in a spiral direction.

We keep coming back around to the same issues over and over again. Only each time they get more subtle.

So I shouldn’t really be surprised that I'm facing my abandonment once again.

The old feeling that conjures up a scared little 4-year old girl.

In this turn in my road, I’m working on loving both the feeling as well as the frightened child.

Reminding her that she is safe and loved, that those old stories are just that, old and not real anymore.

As I embrace these aspects of myself and let love in, I know I am being healed.

Instead of rejecting my anxiety or my abandonment, my job right now is to love them and embrace them- these dark emotions that I don’t want to feel or acknowledge.

I bring them into my heart and relax.

Light and love come streaming in and I don’t have this frenzied or uptight need to control. It’s a relief in a way to be able to relax.

For me trust is the opposite of abandonment.

As I dissolve my old ties of abandonment, and let them go, I replace them with faith and trust. I breathe into my heart and know that I am loved, and that I am never alone, ever.

Curiously I came back to love through looking at my shadow behavior – my need to staunch my anxiety with control.

I’m grateful to have people in my life who love me enough to show me even what I don’t want to see. Because despite the pain of hearing the truth in that moment, the lesson it has taught me has been well worth it.

And I am the better for it.

What's your take? How do you respond to uncertainty?

Let's start a dialog. Leave your ideas below.

3 Reasons Why Lying Doesn’t Work in Relationships

I read an article over the weekend in which the author encouraged us to lie, especially to our loved ones. I had to re-read his words because I could not believe it. His premise was that in order to keep the peace, we lie to one another and not reveal our true thoughts.

One of his arguments was that we can’t always say exactly what we’re thinking.

At times we have to be mindful and discerning about how we speak to people.

This isn’t lying – it’s phrasing things so that another can more easily hear it. After all, none of us enjoy being criticized or put down. And those forms of communication are totally ineffective anyway. So instead of saying to my friend, “you don’t do anything anyway so why not.” I might re-phrase it to “you have the time since you don’t have a lot of commitments.”

Even after finishing the article I was far from convinced of the merits of lying. In fact, I think the opposite is true. In all relationships, and especially love ones, we need honesty.

Am I alone in thinking this?

Here’s why honesty matters

1.     Trust

How do you have a relationship without trust? I need to trust that my lawyer or accountant is ethical, does things legally and has my best interests in mind. Likewise, I need to trust that my employees are truthful with me, don’t steal or reveal trade secrets.

As we need trust in our business relationships, we need it even more in our intimate ones.

I want to know that what you promise to do, what you say, you genuinely mean. Then I can count on you, physically and emotionally. I used to have a relationship in which I could not rely on my partner. He was never there for me. He would always say yes or be indecisive but then when the day rolled around, would be unavailable. Guess what happened?

2.     When You’re Trustworthy, I Open Up More

We all crave intimacy. We all want to be known and understood. This only happens when we feel emotionally safe with another person. I allow myself to be vulnerable because I know my husband will support me. If I share a deep fear or angst with him, he doesn’t belittle me or make me wrong. Instead he listens deeply, and encourages me. This kind of sharing can only happen when we’re truthful. If instead of listening to me, my husband cracked a joke or placated me with a platitude, I would cease opening up to him. And eventually we would grow farther and farther apart.

3.     A Genuine Sounding Board Not A Yes Man

Think about it. Do you have respect for people who always tell you what you want to hear? It may feel nice at first but isn’t it so much more refreshing when someone is honest? When they question your judgment or actions?  We all need people in our lives who can be the voice of encouragement or concern – who take on either role. It gives us clarity and truthful feedback. This only comes with honesty, trust and rapport.

What works for you in your relationships? Do you find that you tell little lies often for fear of hurting someone’s feelings or because you don’t know how to be truthful? Or do you feel that your relationships are built on trust and honesty?

Tell me what works for you. I’m all ears.

Leave me a comment below.

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You Want Me?

A few weeks ago I watched Annie Hall, the Woody Allen movie starring Diane Keaton and Woody Allen. I hadn't seen it in over 30 years and probably laughed harder and appreciated it more this time around.

 The movie essentially is a study in Alvy Singer's (played by Woody Allen) rejection of the women in his life because he can't possibly fathom why they would want to be with him let alone love him. 

He even likens it to the old Groucho Marx joke, " I don't care to belong to any club that will have me as a member."

In the film, we watch as Alvy systematically sabotages his relationships only to then regret it after they're over.

But then something weird happened. I actually started to see this same pattern playing out with people I knew in my everyday life. Twice I witnessed one partner goading the other, speaking harshly almost like the desire was to reject, push away, or create cause for a break up.

And that got me thinking. Is this problem really pervasive? Because obviously it wasn't just a pretense in a movie. It was happening in real life, right in front of me.

If it is pervasive, then what's at the root of it? Why would someone intentionally sabotage a relationship? 

The answer that came to me was deservability.

If we don't think we deserve love then we want to reject it.

I know this situation well. In college I was in a long term relationship with a man who I deeply loved. More importantly, he genuinely loved me. But I wasn't ready to receive that love. I didn't think I was worthy of it, that I deserved it. I was fat, directionless, semi-unmotivated, passive aggressive. Why, would a handsome, smart, ambitious guy like that really love me?

So you know the story. We broke up, went our separate ways, created lives, etc. It took me at least a decade to realize that he loved me at a level that I simply could not receive. 

His capacity to love me was larger than my ability to accept it.

If you're reading this and thinking- I might be pushing away my partner because I don't think I deserve to be loved. Maybe it's time to change. 

The question to ask then is: "Are you ready to receive love?"

Then it's time to claim it definitively. Yes, I deserve to be loved. As much as I love others, I deserve to be loved. 

There's an affirmation Louise Hay shares where she compares being loved to breathing. She says:

"We do not have to earn the right to breathe. It is God given because we exist. So too is the right to love and be loved. The fact that we exist means that we are worth loving."

So, what do you think? Just because the club wants you is that a bad thing or could it be the opportunity you've been waiting for all this time?

Can you relate to this? Have you ever pushed love away?

Leave a comment with your story.

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Is This Really the World of Dating?

My friend Heidi posted a link to a Huffington Post article, My “Naked” Truth yesterday. It's Robin Korth’s account of dating a man who enjoyed her “head and heart” but not her body.

He told her he couldn’t get turned on by her physically because she was “too wrinkly.”

After reading the piece, I found that I couldn’t stop thinking about it.

First it just made me sad that this is where we are in the United States in 2014. That despite all of our technological advances we are still so emotionally immature towards one another as individuals and as one gender relating to another. It also implies that we are woefully unaware of the power of words to harm one another and the pain that judgment brings.

Brené Brown tells us, the primary shame trigger for women is our bodies.

We women are all intensely aware of what we look like and are usually our own worst critics. So for Dave (the guy in the article) to not understand how hurtful his words and rejection of Robin’s body were to her is just plain stupid.

As my husband said to me after I read him the article, this is about objectifying women. Wanting the woman to live up to an image he has rather than the ability to actually see, love and accept what is right in front of him.

It made me sad too that this is the world of dating for older women.

I was reminded of some of the comments my father used to make about women. “She’s too overweight” or “she looks my age.” He often dated women decades younger than he was. Perhaps they were more nubile but what did they have in common?

Then one day I wondered, “What was he bringing to the table?”

The spare tire encircling his waist, his gray, balding head, wrinkles. Why was it okay for him to be imperfect, old, saggy and not her? It shouted of being a double standard. Yet most women are used to this and maybe that’s the worst part of all. That, having been objectified or pummeled by societal expectations of beauty for so long, we think it’s okay for men to have false expectations.

Fortunately, Robin provides us with a silver lining in her article.

Instead of accepting Dave’s words and allowing herself to be shamed, she took her power back. And she’s absolutely right. We all deserve to be loved exactly for who we are, what we look like clothed and naked, and for all of our opinions, beliefs and quirks.

That love starts with us, with us accepting ourselves exactly as we are from head to toe.

Read Robin's article and tell me what you think! (click here)

If you’re a woman, have you ever had something similar happen to you?

If you’re a man, how can you relate to what Robin experienced?

Leave a comment below! Let’s start a dialog.

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