What My Anxiety Taught Me About Love

It’s never easy when you come up against your ego.

Or to be more specific, when your shadow behavior is pointed out to you by someone you love and trust.

Recently I had a conversation with my husband in which he shared that over the past year I’d demonstrated more controlling behavior.

He gave a few specific examples, some I agreed with and others I wanted to immediately reject.

My insides squirmed listening to him.

I just wanted him to stop, to go away and leave me alone.

Didn’t he understand anything?

It wasn’t that I was being more controlling it was that I was finally coming in to my own, doing what I wanted as opposed to what other people were telling me to do.

I felt hurt and rejected. Because that’s the only way an ego can feel.

My husband was infinitely kind, loving and soft when he spoke to me but what I heard was, “You’re a controllingbit** and I don’t want to be with you.”

My ego had been bruised. I felt raw, almost like a frightened little child.

After our conversation, I slowly began to unpack it, trying to make meaning of his words and my reactions.

I realized that my initial response to the conversation was defense. “No. You’re wrong. This is really all about you. You don’t want me to take my power because then you’ll feel threatened.”

Perhaps some of that was true.

In relationships, we always have to be sensitive to power issues between partners.

However, being in a loving relationship, I knew his intention wasn’t to hurt me.

As I began to work through his words and, more importantly, my response to his words, I began to entertain the notion that he could (maybe) be correct. So I asked myself: “What if he’s right? What could your behavior be showing you?”

I realized that I was acting more uptight and clinging to control as a response to moving in a new direction.

In other words, because there was more uncertainty in one aspect of my life (career) it was triggering my anxiety. And I was compensating by trying to control other areas of my life, ones I could actually be in control of (my home life).

When I got to this level of understanding, I was ready to talk about it again.

I shared my new insight with my husband. And he heard me – listening quietly - and responded with love and compassion.

Within that context, my behavior made sense.

It wasn’t really that I wanted (or want) to control him or anyone, it’s just an automatic default setting my ego falls into when I come up against anxiety.

Then my husband went one step further. Thinking out loud, he wondered if what was really being triggered by this uncertainty was my core issue: abandonment.

Lots of us struggle with abandonment issues.

My mom left my sister and me when I was four years old. Although we saw her frequently and went to live with her six years later, that time was filled with upheaval. We moved so often that I went to five different schools. In my young mind, I became convinced that somehow it was all my fault and that I was not lovable.

I initially turned to food and ate to fill that void, the emptiness of undeserving.

After I released that, I filled it with people, activities, and by never letting really anyone in because then they could hurt me. I spent years yearning for love but being too afraid to actually open up to it.

In a way, it’s actually a loss of faith.

It’s my forgetting that I am safe and that the Universe loves and supports me. Instead, I fall into a fear reaction that drives me to do everything because no one can be trusted.

Over time my behaviors have changed and by deepening my spiritual practice, I now trust in God, in other people and in the Universe. And I know that I am loveable and loved.

This internal relaxing has allowed me to open up to new possibilities, to stretch myself emotionally and let love in even more.

Yet those of us on this spiritual path know that we move in a spiral direction.

We keep coming back around to the same issues over and over again. Only each time they get more subtle.

So I shouldn’t really be surprised that I'm facing my abandonment once again.

The old feeling that conjures up a scared little 4-year old girl.

In this turn in my road, I’m working on loving both the feeling as well as the frightened child.

Reminding her that she is safe and loved, that those old stories are just that, old and not real anymore.

As I embrace these aspects of myself and let love in, I know I am being healed.

Instead of rejecting my anxiety or my abandonment, my job right now is to love them and embrace them- these dark emotions that I don’t want to feel or acknowledge.

I bring them into my heart and relax.

Light and love come streaming in and I don’t have this frenzied or uptight need to control. It’s a relief in a way to be able to relax.

For me trust is the opposite of abandonment.

As I dissolve my old ties of abandonment, and let them go, I replace them with faith and trust. I breathe into my heart and know that I am loved, and that I am never alone, ever.

Curiously I came back to love through looking at my shadow behavior – my need to staunch my anxiety with control.

I’m grateful to have people in my life who love me enough to show me even what I don’t want to see. Because despite the pain of hearing the truth in that moment, the lesson it has taught me has been well worth it.

And I am the better for it.

What's your take? How do you respond to uncertainty?

Let's start a dialog. Leave your ideas below.

5 Ideas for Managing This Anxious World

Worried about the next snowstorm hitting your city or that your flight will be delayed? You’re not alone. In fact, every single one of us experiences anxiety. But when we constantly avoid socializing, excessively sweat before a presentation or are unable to sleep because our minds won’t stop, then anxiety may be taking us over.

According to the National Institute of Mental Health, 40 million Americans or 18% of our population is suffering from this level of anxiety making it the top mental illness diagnosis. Anxiety is clearly the malady of our modern day life.

What Exactly is Anxiety?

Anxiety, as I mentioned earlier, is a normal human response to uncertainty and we experience it often in our lives at work, in school (such as before tests), when we make decisions or if something unexpected arises.

Anxiety becomes a problem when our feelings and thoughts prevent action or cause symptoms that render us unable to cope. These include constant worry, panic, fear and apprehension. There can also be physical symptoms such as sweating, heart palpitations, high blood pressure, and restlessness.

Why Are We So Anxious?

Our modern world is exciting and fast. Thanks to technology we’re also hyper connected and constantly exposed to vast quantities of information. It’s simply too much to process.

In addition, anxiety is effortlessly fed by looming uncertainties like the slow economic recovery, rising terrorism, constant environmental stressors, and managing life’s increasingly complex responsibilities.

If we’re forward thinking, we easily become habituated toward worry, fear and anxiety. What’s going to happen? How am I going to manage it? What if I get Ebola?

To cope with anxiety, many people take Benzodiazepine medications such as: Xanax, Ativan, Valium or Klonopin. These pills target the gamma-aminobutyric acid or GABA, a neurotransmitter chemical, enabling the user to feel more relaxed, and less anxious. They can be addicting and often, when a pill wears off, can make a person feel even more anxious.

What Else Can We Do?

Here are 5 Easy Ways to Address Anxiety Without Medication

1.     Manage It

The number one thing we can do to help ourselves deal with anxiety is to change our thinking.

Let’s reframe anxiety and accept that it exists, that we will feel it and experience it. Anxiety will never go away because we are hard wired to have it. Instead, we have to manage it and recognize it as a warning.

What Does Anxiety Want to Teach Me Right Now?

Do I need to make sure my car is filled with gasoline before the storm? Should I double check my alarm clock so I won’t be late for the meeting? Anxiety is a natural warning system but it doesn’t have to become a way of life.

2.     Be Present

Often we fall into anxious thoughts because we’ve moved ourselves out of the present moment and into a future scenario.  We imagine terrible suffering and awful possibilities. To quote Mark Twain, “.. life does not consist mainly -- or even largely -- of facts and happenings. It consists mainly of the storm of thoughts that is forever blowing through one's head.”

Instead, if we can bring our attention back to this moment, most of the time, nothing awful is happening. It’s all in our heads. When I find my mind careening forward and painting scary scenarios, I remind myself to come back to now, back to this present moment.

Then I ask questions like:

Am I safe right now?

Am I supported right now?

Are my children okay?

Am I healthy?

And nearly all the time, the answer is yes.

3. Foster Healthy Mind Habits

Left to its own devices, our minds wander, projecting lots of “what if” scenarios or telling us scary stories and other negative things like: “They don’t like me.” “I’ll lose my job.” ”He’s talking about me.” “They’ll never hire me.” “I won’t have enough money.”

Catching ourselves thinking like this is the first step.

Then we can begin to change those thoughts and shift into healthier patterns. Choosing positive self-talk, reassuring words and kind messages instead. Phrases like:

“I’m doing a good job.”

“I can ask for help if I need it.”

“I’m an excellent money manager.”

4.     Limit News

We can also support ourselves by limiting our exposure to the news. Today we can see what is happening across the globe and sometimes that level of knowledge can feed our anxiety. Learning about a military coup or suicide bomber can fuel our fear and propel us into anxiety when, in all likelihood, that occurrence will have no real impact on our lives. Especially avoid watching the news before bed.

5.     Exercise

The research that exercise reduces stress and anxiety is overwhelming. We all know it immediately makes us feel better, boosts our immune system and releases endorphins. And yet, when I’m in an anxious state, it can be hard to get myself motivated.

So the best strategies to ensure that exercise is part of your life are to:

• Create a regular routine.

  • Maybe it’s a walk with friends once a week or an evening yoga class. For me it’s running 4-5 times a week.
     
  • Creating a routine can help us stay exercising even when anxiety appears.
     

• Have a buddy.

  •  Initially it was really hard for me to be self-motivated to exercise.
    I relied on my husband to get me going. He loves working out and was like a cheerleader for me.
     

  • Another way to have accountability is to meet someone at the gym or studio. Knowing someone is waiting can get you there when you feel unmotivated.

So the next time you find yourself feeling anxious and stressed, try incorporating some or all of the above. If you need more help, reach out to a friend, coach or therapist. There’s no reason to feel oppressed by this life. It’s here for you to be lived and enjoyed to the fullest. So get out there, have fun and live anxiety free!

What do you do for anxiety?

Leave a comment below!

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Who Just Said That?

Lately I've been hearing people talking about their anxiety. One man I know can't stop thinking about his health. He recently had a check up and was told he has high blood pressure.

Now he's obsessively thinking about the blood pumping through his body. His thoughts make him fearful and anxious, that he's going to have a heart attack or stroke at any moment.

Then a pregnant woman mentioned almost the same thing. Even though this isn't her first child, she's finding herself fixated on the future pain and all of the awful complications that could happen despite the fact that she's already had near perfect birthing experiences.

So what is this?

I like to think about it as our brains highjacking us. When this happens to me, I have to remind myself of a few things.

#1. Like Mike Dooley says, "Thoughts are Things, Choose the Good Ones."

If my thought is causing me worry, fear, anxiety or discomfort then I change it! When I first realized that I had control over this, it was amazingly powerful.

Here's an example of how it manifests in my life. Lately it's been focused on my sinuses. When I'm in negative thinking it sounds like: "My sinuses are never going to clear up. My allergies make my nose run and my eyes itchy. I'm so uncomfortable."

Then I can remember that these are just thoughts and thoughts can be changed. So, I can catch myself and shift it to "I am healthy. My sinuses are healthy and happy." Immediately I begin to feel better.

We forget that we are not our thoughts, not our brains. I like to think of the brain a little bit like a computer. It's a tool that we can control. Most of us don't realize this so we allow IT to control us. BUT we have the choice to think thoughts that we want and eliminate ones we don't.

#2 What We Focus On Expands

This is the power our thoughts have. You know it's true. The more I think "I have no money," the poorer I feel and the less money I actually do have. Instead, when I feel gratitude for what I have in my life, it helps me feel abundant and I attract more money to me.

Think the thoughts you want in your life. Thoughts of success and happiness. Thoughts of safety and perfect health. Mine your thoughts, become aware of what you say to yourself and choose kindness, love and compassion. For then you will have more of these in your life.

#3 We Aren't Our Thoughts

I'm stuck in my negative thought, "Why can't my sinuses heal?" and over and over the tape repeats until finally someone else in my head hears it. Who is that? The other voice who says, "Enough! Change that thought!"

Some people call this Self the eternal observer, the watcher, the aspect of us that is aligned with God. Ever present without beginning and without end, eternal. Some say this is the voice of God or the Universe or whatever label works for you.

When we can silent that small voice (the computer) we open ourselves up to hear from Divine source. This is true guidance, it's pure love and is our essential nature.

The way to hear this voice isn't by making the other voice wrong or bad, it's by going within, getting quiet and recognizing that we aren't that voice (the computer). We are so much more. We can ask for help, to be guided, to be able to hear this voice speak to us. It will for it is always there, waiting.

So the next time you catch yourself stuck in a rut of negative thinking, use these 3 reminders to get you unstuck, back on track and listening to the right voice.

How can this work for you?

Share one of your negative thoughts and how you changed it below in the comments.

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Healthy Anti-Anxiety Medication That Works!

Everyone I know is stressed. We all have too much to do. Responsibilities at work pile up- the barrage of emails, phone calls, appointments. Then there's home. Kids need new sneakers, dental appointments, parent/teacher conferences. The list never ends. Home repairs, yoga class, and heaven forbid, an actual date!

If we're not careful life can blur by, our minds a state of chaotic frenzy. The pace of life seems to be increasing too and we move faster and faster. Until what?

No wonder most Americans are stressed. According to the National Institute of Mental Health, the United States is now the most anxious nation in the world.

I used to fall into the crazed trap, running around like a maniac, heart racing, never feeling like I'd ever manage, let alone catch up. Stupidly, I continually added to my To Do List without taking anything off OR asking for help. Then one day I just ran out of steam. It was January, 2011. For seven years I'd been running a school while raising two girls. I went back to school in 2008 which soon involved internships of nearly 20 hours a week. Then I had sick family members to care for and, after I graduated in December, 2010, was simply done.

It wasn't until I finally stopped that I began to see how insane my life had become. Now it was time for me to re-evaluate and redefine how I wanted to show up in the world.

Here's what I decided:

1. Meditation is Key 

I had always been meditating which is probably how I managed to get everything done in the first place but I renewed my commitment to silence and to giving the gift of communing with God to myself. 

2. New Email Attitude

In Authentic Success, Robert Holden says, "you're inbox will be full even when you're dead." When I read that, a light bulb went off. "Wow! Now I won't feel pressured to read and answer everything." I unsubscribed from lists significantly reducing the quantity of emails I received. Then I scheduled times to actually read them rather than constantly being distracted by the inbox throughout the day.

3. Self Love is ALWAYS the Answer

I observed how many of my tasks were oriented towards others and felt obligatory rather than celebratory. Much of what I was doing was about getting attention and love (notice how much I got done today? Aren't you impressed? See how much I love you- I did this and this and this...) I made a list of everything I did and re-prioritized based on ME and what I now wanted in my life.

4. 80/20 Yeah, Baby

There is simply no way to get everything done and it is super easy to fall into overwhelm. In my attempt to avoid that awful place, I now try to choose wisely. I look at everything that purportedly needs to get done and pick the MOST important tasks.

5. Play Time

Schedule time just to have fun, whatever that means to you (because there's always more to do). For me, that's getting into a good novel, being in nature,  doing art work or traveling. Play is re-energizing and allows for creative flow. 

6. Leave Work AT Work

This is my super biggy. It's about reclaiming balance so that work doesn't consume and take over (you know it will). Conscientiously CLOSE your computer. Don't answer the phone. Take the evening to unwind, have a conversation with your daughter or husband. Maybe even enjoy a glass of wine! 

These 6 life style modifications have enabled me to live more joyfully, less stressed and are great healthy alternatives to medication! 

Let me know what YOU think. What's your way of de-stressing? Share in the comments. I SO want to know what works for you.

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I'd love to keep providing you with great ideas and strategies to have your life work better for you!

Living with Anxiety: 5 Ways to Cope

 Seems like every time I turn on the news, the world gets more crazy. Recently it's the government shut down, unsettling not just to Americans but financial markets the world over and the furloughed workers... no paychecks but bills constantly piling up. Sounds stressful.

It isn't just them either. Perhaps I have a job but find an abnormal growth on my neck or a typhoon is bearing down on close relatives. How do we live with this level of chaos? It's hard not to let anxiety creep in, take over and steer life. Anxiety is caused by big events but also the little ones too. I have to get to work on time, my car won't start, I forgot my computer cord at home... sound familiar?

What do we do? Do we allow ourselves to get sucked into the vortex of chaos, stress out and be overwhelmed by anxiety? It's an option, for sure but the price is pretty high, especially on our bodies: increased heart problems, stroke, thyroid and adrenal troubles, challenges sleeping, alcohol/drug addiction, obesity. Truthfully, it's hard not to get affected. After all, life's often crazy and chaotic. It's easy to get sucked into it despite our best efforts.

I used to think, "when this is over (fill in the blank), everything will settle down and I can get on with my regularly scheduled life." That was my false belief for years. Until one day it suddenly dawned on me that what I was experiencing was life! Things are going along and then invariably, slam! Something happens - the water boiler explodes, a daughter gets stranded at the airport, the dog breaks his leg, Aunt Helen gets rushed to the hospital. Sound familiar? Of course because we all experience it every day; Life. Somehow the exciting events- the raise, the anniversary celebration, the new car,  never seem to undermine us, only the unexpected ones. So how do we take the upswings, the excitements, as well as the downturns in stride? Here are some ideas to help make life's unexpected ups and downs more accepting:

1. Perpective /Gratitude - Some people say perspective helps. Perhaps another way to think about this is being grateful for what we have in life. "I have a warm bed. I live in a safe community, I have a solid job. I have a supportive spouse. I have a reliable car. I am healthy." When we focus on what we have in our lives, what is good, we can attract more of that to us. We can also feel lucky as so many people struggle to feed their families, to have a roof overhead. So when unexpected things do happen, we feel more of a cushion. It seems small compared to all the good we are experiencing.
2. Breathing - Sometimes when I get really nervous or anxious, I stop breathing. The first time I noticed this was when I was in a crew regatta in high school. My boat was sitting under a bridge on the Stotesbury River in Philadelphia. It was the final heat and our coxswain was trying to get us in position, always a challenge with 8 oars. I was so scared I simply ceased breathing, the worse thing to do while exercising! Suddenly I realized, "I'm not breathing!!!" I then had to consciously think about it, "inhale, exhale, inhale, exhale." before I knew it the gun went off and we were rowing our guts out toward the finish line. Breathing is a great way to help the body relax. Anxiety causes us to create adrenalin and puts us on hyper alert: fight or flight. But most of the time we are not about to be attacked by a lion. Maybe we are stuck in traffic or have a term paper to complete in 10 hours. Breathing can help the body relax and help us to  step out of the freneticism caused by anxiety. It can clear the mind too to think more rationally so as not to just react to the current situation.  
3. Positive Thinking & Affirmations - Many people wake up feeling anxious or dread. Every Monday for the last month or so, that's been me. As if the week is daunting and I think, "Gulp, here I go, into unknown territory. So much to do..." How do I manage those feelings? I talk to myself as Lousie Hay would say, "in kind and loving ways." I use affirmations to help manage my mind talk. I have a great CD of hers entitled "101 Power Thoughts." It's a little intense because she literally powers through this massive list of affirmations. A few years ago when I had a long commute, I would listen to it in the morning and it made a huge difference for my day. One that really stuck with me from those drives was when she says, "my thoughts are my best friends." And my mind responded, "really, since when?" Then I realized, why not? Why should our thoughts be our worst critics? Can't they be our best friends instead? Now when I find myself feeling afraid, feeling dread, I try to channel my inner cheerleader and remind myself that "only good lies before me" that "everything I do brings me joy" and it really helps.
4. Meditation - Of course I also meditate which is my biggest savior. I started meditating in 1997 when a teacher/friend of mine said. "you need to meditate every morning." To which I replied, "I don't have time." She looked at me and said, "Make time." I am grateful to Lily Diamond for that because it has changed my experience of living. Sometimes I describe what meditation does for me as creating space around me so that I don't take the craziness of the world so seriously. Most of the time that works but I am human and sometimes life just seems to push me over the edge and I fall right into the chaos. Many Spiritual teachers talk about not getting sucked into the chaos of the world - the politics, the environmental degradation, the pain and suffering, our own personal challenges. And I think sometimes this can be misunderstood and interpreted as that they don't care, not true. I care deeply about the world so much so that the poverty, clear cuts, and violence I read about have often left me in a heap of tears. I have been physically affected by global tragedies but this response isn't helpful to me or the world. To "live in the world but not of it" allows me to operate from a place of compassion without physically taking on the pain. This is why I love meditation.    
5. Exercise - Anxiety is felt in our minds and in our bodies. One of the best ways to manage it is to do physical exercise, particularly aerobic exercise. Not only does it help to clear the mind, it makes us feel physically better from the release of endorphins. Sometimes when I am really stressed, I go for a run and when I'm done, I feel like a different person!  

We all get to experience this world and we get to decide how that is. Are we going to allow the chaos to unseat us and fill our bodies and minds with anxiety? Or are we going to utilize tools to help us manage our lives and ultimately feel more in control? Of course the choice is up to us. 

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