3 Reasons Why Lying Doesn’t Work in Relationships

I read an article over the weekend in which the author encouraged us to lie, especially to our loved ones. I had to re-read his words because I could not believe it. His premise was that in order to keep the peace, we lie to one another and not reveal our true thoughts.

One of his arguments was that we can’t always say exactly what we’re thinking.

At times we have to be mindful and discerning about how we speak to people.

This isn’t lying – it’s phrasing things so that another can more easily hear it. After all, none of us enjoy being criticized or put down. And those forms of communication are totally ineffective anyway. So instead of saying to my friend, “you don’t do anything anyway so why not.” I might re-phrase it to “you have the time since you don’t have a lot of commitments.”

Even after finishing the article I was far from convinced of the merits of lying. In fact, I think the opposite is true. In all relationships, and especially love ones, we need honesty.

Am I alone in thinking this?

Here’s why honesty matters

1.     Trust

How do you have a relationship without trust? I need to trust that my lawyer or accountant is ethical, does things legally and has my best interests in mind. Likewise, I need to trust that my employees are truthful with me, don’t steal or reveal trade secrets.

As we need trust in our business relationships, we need it even more in our intimate ones.

I want to know that what you promise to do, what you say, you genuinely mean. Then I can count on you, physically and emotionally. I used to have a relationship in which I could not rely on my partner. He was never there for me. He would always say yes or be indecisive but then when the day rolled around, would be unavailable. Guess what happened?

2.     When You’re Trustworthy, I Open Up More

We all crave intimacy. We all want to be known and understood. This only happens when we feel emotionally safe with another person. I allow myself to be vulnerable because I know my husband will support me. If I share a deep fear or angst with him, he doesn’t belittle me or make me wrong. Instead he listens deeply, and encourages me. This kind of sharing can only happen when we’re truthful. If instead of listening to me, my husband cracked a joke or placated me with a platitude, I would cease opening up to him. And eventually we would grow farther and farther apart.

3.     A Genuine Sounding Board Not A Yes Man

Think about it. Do you have respect for people who always tell you what you want to hear? It may feel nice at first but isn’t it so much more refreshing when someone is honest? When they question your judgment or actions?  We all need people in our lives who can be the voice of encouragement or concern – who take on either role. It gives us clarity and truthful feedback. This only comes with honesty, trust and rapport.

What works for you in your relationships? Do you find that you tell little lies often for fear of hurting someone’s feelings or because you don’t know how to be truthful? Or do you feel that your relationships are built on trust and honesty?

Tell me what works for you. I’m all ears.

Leave me a comment below.

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Is the Answer Yes or No?

Is your answer YES to life or NO?

How many times in your day do you find that you say yes to life? Maybe you get invited to lunch with a friend or it's a beautiful day out, perfect for a walk on the beach. Is your response a resounding yes? I hope so. I know for me sometimes I say yes and sometimes I don't. And there may be a reason why I'm not saying yes. These are some of my personal selections. Do any of these sound familiar? "I don't have time. Today's my chore day. I have to work. Maybe another time." Or my absolute favorite, "I don't feel like it." (Usually this one is reserved for me and I come up with a more lofty excuse to say out loud.)

 Life is always offering us opportunities to expand and to grow. To reach out of our comfort zone or complacency and connect more deeply be it with one another, with nature and even with ourselves. Invariably when we do this, what happens? We feel more fulfilled and engaged. So why is it that we don't always do it?

Sometimes we simply can't because we do legitimately have prior commitments. I have appointments to keep, deadlines to meet, tasks to complete. We all do. And yet it's important to remain vigilant to our own choices - how we may or may not be limiting ourselves. It can be insidious. Work and "busy" can take over pretty fast. 

Lately I've been watching my pattern of saying yes to life or saying no. And here is what I am observing. In general, when I say yes and then do it (have a meeting, teach a class, complete my to do list, go birdwatching, work out, play...) I feel great! I truly do feel more engaged and present in my life. I feel alive and happy. When I say no because I don't think I have time or maybe feel too stressed or simply don't want to, here's how I usually feel - worse.

This got me thinking about my life in general and it seems to me that essentially, in each moment, we are being asked to open, open to life, open to love, open to the moment. Feel the sun on my face, hear the sounds of the lawnmowers in the distance, smile at the cashier at the bank. Or not. It is always my choice, to open to what is happening right now or to close off, hunker down, disconnect.

That is my practice for right now, to recognize that in EACH moment, I am being asked to open. And then to become the witness as much as the actor and simultaneously open to possibility as well as observe my choice.

Ultimately our lives are filled with the choices we make in each moment - to open or close. All of us know people on both sides of that spectrum. People who say yes and lots of people who say no. Most of us are somewhere in the middle. Yet we all know that when we do open, it feels natural. We are connecting to who we truly are. We just seem to need a moment to moment reminder.